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Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Rumiko Takahashi characters named here, nor do I own Charlie's Angels. I used to own a shower curtain, but it's now missing.
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I don't want to do this.
Sesshomaru hesitated before the bathroom door, not wanting to enter.
I'll go in there and tell her I have to turn her in to the authorities. And that I'll visit her in prison – No! I'll tell her that if she cooperates we can probably work out some kind of plea bargain and maybe they'll release her into my custody – Shit! Okay, I'll go in there and unlock the handcuffs and just let her walk out free because she's probably just some pawn in all this, even though she's far too intelligent to be somebody's pawn so she's probably really up to her neck and maybe even committed some of the murders herself but that would be a waste of her counterfeiting skills – Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Sesshomaru took a deep breath to steady his nerves and opened the door.
He fully expected to see Kagura handcuffed to the toilet. After all, that's how he'd left the woman. Instead, Sesshomaru viewed the shower curtain rod, which had been torn from the wall and was lying across the sink. The curtain was missing. The wastebasket had been overturned and propped against the wall, where it had obviously been used as a stepping stool to reach the bathroom window. The most unforgettable sight - the sight that would be burned into his brain for the rest of his life - was the sight of his unconscious partner, Koga, slumped over the toilet. The toilet seat had been ripped off and was dangling from his neck, and Kagura hadn't neglected to use the handcuffs.
And just to be certain he never forgot this moment, Sesshomaru grabbed the digital camera. This was definitely one for posterity.
*******
"Kagura?"
Kagome looked in astonishment at the woman standing before her. No designer clothing, no Prada handbag, no Gucci shoes – Kagura was wearing nothing but a shower curtain.
"Don't ask," Kagura choked. "Just lock the door and don't let anyone in!"
Kagome led the shaking woman to a nearby chair. "What happened to you?" she asked Kagura. "Are you hurt?"
"No," Kagura burst into tears. "But he's going to kill me. Oh shit, Kagome, what am I going to do? He'll hunt me down – he never gives up!"
"Who?" Kagome asked her. "Who's going to kill you?"
"Sesshomaru," whispered Kagura. "He's Vicious Dragon! Damn, I'm going to be sick again!" She ran into Kagome's bathroom and slammed the door behind her.
Sesshomaru was Vicious Dragon? Kagome snorted. The thought was laughable. Kagome had eliminated him from the suspect list days ago, right after Inu-Yasha had inadvertently given him an alibi for the time of their father's death. She shook her head sadly. Overwork. Naraku's finally pushed poor Kagura over the edge.
*******
"Wake up, Inu-Yasha!" His brother's voice was loud in his ear.
"Five more minutes," Inu-Yasha grumbled. "It can't be time for school already."
He felt a light kick to his backside and swatted at the foot. "Cut that out, Sesshomaru! Who cares if I miss my first class?" Stupid bastard, doesn't he know I need more sleep than he does?
An ice-cold splash of water fell over him, and Inu-Yasha jumped up. "Dammit Sesshomaru, what the hell was that for?" he shouted. "Get out of my room!"
"I need you to tell me what happened to Kagura!" his brother was yelling.
Inu-Yasha blinked. He wasn't back in his old home, he wasn't in high school…he must have fallen asleep on Rin's bedroom floor. He looked over at the bed where Rin was lying asleep with the puppy book tucked in her arms. Inu-Yasha couldn't believe she was sleeping through the noise.
"Calm down, Sesshomaru," Koga was saying. "Inu-Yasha was snoring off that booze. Twelve monkeys could have come through here dressed in tights and dancing the Lambada and he wouldn't have noticed. Quit trying to get him to give you answers he doesn't have."
"Kagura has escaped and you're telling me to calm down?" Sesshomaru shouted. "I want her found!"
"You want me to get out there and start looking for her?" Koga asked Sesshomaru.
"If you find her, is she going to give you another concussion?" Sesshomaru asked him. Koga winced in embarrassment.
Inu-Yasha looked at the two with interest. "What did you do to piss her off? And what do you mean 'Kagura's escaped'? Escaped from where?" he asked.
"Inu-Yasha," his brother interjected wearily as he pinched the bridge of his nose, "you have absolutely no idea what's going on with Kagura, so I suggest you stay out of this if you can't tell me where she's gone."
"Is this about the detective stuff?" asked Inu-Yasha. The two men swiveled their heads toward him.
"How do you know about that?" Koga sputtered.
Inu-Yasha flushed. "Well, Kagome sort of told me some things," he mumbled. "She kind of had to explain what was going on when I caught her planting a microphone in the reception area."
"Inu-Yasha, why didn't you say something about this to me?" his brother inquired angrily. "Don't you think I would have liked to have known my au pair was actually a detective?"
Inu-Yasha shrugged. "Sesshomaru, her case has absolutely nothing to do with you, and she'd never let anything interfere with taking care of Rin. All she's doing is keeping an eye out for someone. Kagome and Sango are taking care of the heavy work."
He yawned and stretched sleepily before continuing. "Anyway, Kagura isn't exactly qualified to do a lot for this case. Her skills are more in the 'aren't-I-sexy-why-don't-you-give-me-information' department, which is pretty useless around a bunch of cross-dressers. The only other choice was to have her tending bar."
"Kagura has bartending experience?" Sesshomaru was having trouble following Inu-Yasha's conversation.
"Yeah, she worked as a bartender in a strip club Naraku used to own. When he opened the detective agency she was the first one he hired."
"Why would he hire a bartender to do detective work?" Koga wondered.
"Because Kagura has a photographic memory and she can draw anything she sees from memory. That's a skill you can't find just anywhere," Inu-Yasha answered. "Do you realize how valuable that is for identifying people?"
Sesshomaru cursed and hit his hand against the wall. "I work with a bunch of fools," he said to no one in particular. "Stay here in this room and don't leave until I get back," he ordered Koga. "And don't let Inu-Yasha leave either. I'm going to find Kagura."
"What should I say if Jaken calls?" Koga wanted to know.
"Tell him he's fired." Sesshomaru stalked out of the room.
Koga smirked at Inu-Yasha. "He doesn't have the authority to fire Jaken. Sesshomaru might go ahead and kill him, though." He sat down on the floor next to Inu-Yasha and closed his eyes. "Now there's a great fantasy…Jaken…dead…mmm."
*******
He had to find her. Where would she run wearing nothing but a shower curtain? He'd pounded on Sango's door, but there was no answer. Time to try Kagome's place. To his surprise, not only was Kagome there, but she opened her door and let him in before he'd even knocked. "Do you always bring strange men in your room at night without question?" Sesshomaru asked her.
"Only if they look really cute in a dress," she assured him. "Seriously, I was expecting you. Kagura showed up a while ago in complete hysterics. What did you do to her, Ms. Fluffy?"
"I know you work for Naraku, so you can drop the Ms. Fluffy bit," Sesshomaru told her. Kagome looked surprised, but didn't answer. "Where did you say Kagura was?" Sesshomaru prompted.
"In the shower. I figured it was appropriate, considering what she was wearing when she arrived. You've scared her pretty badly, you know that?" Kagome asked him.
"Believe me, it's a complete misunderstanding. I'll explain it when she gets out - "
Sesshomaru was cut short by several screams coming from the bathroom. "What the hell?" he shouted as he ran to the bathroom door and yanked on the handle. The door was locked. As he tried to break the door down, he could hear Kagura swearing and what sounded like someone being kicked.
The door suddenly gave way and Sesshomaru burst into the bathroom. Kagura was yelling and pointing to the closed shower door. "There's a naked pervert in the shower!" she screamed. "Get him!"
Sesshomaru yanked opened the shower door and looked inside the small tiled enclosure. "There's no man in here, Kagura," he said as he turned off the running water, which by this time had turned freezing. "There's just a little black pig wearing a scarf around his neck. Geez, what did you do to it? The pig's out cold."
Kagura was now sitting huddled on the floor, curled into a tight ball. "No more," she whimpered. "I just can't take any more."
Sesshomaru knelt beside her and scooped the overwrought woman into his arms, holding her tightly. "It's okay, it's going to be okay," he murmured, stroking her hair as he tried to calm her down. "Everything's all right. No one is going to hurt you, I won't let them." He gently kissed her face and wiped the tears flowing down her cheeks.
"You're not going to – to kill me?" Kagura sniffed. "But you're Vicious Dragon! You always find your target!"
Sesshomaru pulled her closer to him. "Somewhere during this insane night, you and I have had some severe misunderstandings. So let's get some items clear between us: I am not an assassin; you are not an assassin. I am not gay; you are not a former stripper. I am not a cross-dresser and you are not a counterfeiter. You're not even an au pair, you are a detective. You, Sango and Kagome work for Naraku; Koga and I work for the FBI. Did I leave anything out?"
Kagura shook her head.
Sesshomaru didn't know how much time they passed sitting on the bathroom floor, nor did he care. He was holding the woman of his dreams and telling her how much he loved her. Kagura, beautiful Kagura, was pressing her body against him and winding her fingers through his hair.
The fact that Sesshomaru was doing all of this while wearing a pink dress and silk stockings didn't seem to bother Kagura too much. She was removing his hairpins and tossing them behind her. Somewhere, in a place far away, he was sure his father was looking down at him and watching – and laughing himself sick.
"You really work for the FBI?" Kagura asked, kissing him.
"Sure," Sesshomaru said as he kicked off his stiletto heels. "Want to see my badge? It's a big one."
"Like I haven't heard that line before," Kagura rolled her eyes.
******
A/N: Okay, it's a long chapter, but I was getting death threats from Sophie-chan for not bringing Kagura and Sess to some kind of understanding. It's a shame, because I think I could have tortured them for at least three more chapters.
I also apologize for the somewhat serious overtones in the last couple of chapters, but I do have to put in a plot (sort of). I promise there will be plenty of insanity ahead, as I have yet to get to the chapter with the talent/swimsuit competition. Please direct any complaints about said competition to Sophie-chan, this was her idea :P
Now, a short note from my fellow conspirator:
Sophie-chan: Thank you, I –
Told you it was short - *snickers at angry Sophie-chan* - that's what you get for drinking my last Coke! *Sophie-chan throws empty can at Lav*
Thanks so much to all my reviewers! There's actually too many of you to name *gasps in amazement* but it means so much to me to know you are reading this! An especially big hug to my regular reviewers – you know who you are and I loff you! :) Lavender
