Fear Part 8
Lightsabers clashed and swept through the air as the two opponents struck and parried. As their blades crossed and locked, they circled one another. One leaped backwards to disengage, and then lunged forward to attack. Just as swiftly, the other sidestepped, letting momentum throw the attacker off-balance.
"Very good, Elissa," Anakin called from the sidelines. "It was a nice try, Tera, but you must also anticipate your opponent's move to be successful. That's enough for now. Take a break, you two."
Tera and Elissa deactivated their purple and silver blades and walked back over to join the group sitting on the steps of the terrace. A few days ago, Anakin and Luke had decided that the padawans were ready for the next step in their fencing practice and since then mock duels had been included in the training sessions.
It was encouraging for Anakin to see how confident and capable all the padawans were becoming. They seemed to make progress every day. And Tera, Elissa, and Gil were all thrilled with their new lightsabers. It was as if having their own blades and learning to duel made them feel like real Jedi.
He had to smile remembering their excitement when they had chosen the colors of their sabers. Elissa and Tera had debated endlessly before coming to a decision, while Gil had instantly declared that he wanted a blue lightsaber.
//Like yours,// Luke had teased his father. //I think I'm jealous.// It was becoming obvious that Gil hero-worshipped Anakin. He tagged along after him every chance he got, sat beside him at dinner, and hung on Anakin's every word.
Anakin had placed his hand on his son's shoulder. //There's no need for you to be. I love the padawans, but no one could ever take the place of my children. Gil's just never had a father figure before. I felt the same way when I was growing up.//
//Oh, I know,// Luke had agreed amiably. //I was just kidding.//
Once the lightsabers were complete, the padawans had begun real fencing, though the sabers were still set on training frequency, of course. Luke and Anakin sometimes worked with them one on one, but today Anakin had had Tera and Elissa duel each other, while he and Gil watched. Luke and Keren were in the library, studying some cases of how the Old Republic Jedi had handled land disputes.
As the girls approached, Anakin added. "Both of you did well. At this rate, you'll all be first-class fencers before long."
Tera gave him a smile. "Thank yousa, Master." She glanced about at the others. "And speaking of first-class fencers, wesa have been wanting to ask if yousa and Master Luke would give us a demonstration. Wesa would really love to see yousa duel."
Anakin froze and for a moment, his bright blue eyes grew clouded. Finally he swallowed hard and said softly, "No. I'm sorry, but we can't do that."
The padawans' eager expressions became crestfallen.
"Please, Master Anakin," Gil begged. "It would be so cool to see you and Luke duel."
"It's 'Master' Luke to you, Gil," Anakin reproved gently, though he softened his words by patting the boy's knee. "And I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but I'm not going to duel with my son again."
"But why?" Gil persisted, while Tera and Elissa both questioned, "Again?"
Anakin studied them in silence. Talking about his and Luke's past was incredibly difficult for him. Just thinking about it was difficult. But perhaps they needed to know.
He had said that he would try to answer any questions they had about when he'd been Darth Vader, and while he didn't want to violate Luke's privacy, most of their troubled history was known by family and friends.
That was another reason he felt he should talk with the padawans now. Gil, and probably the others, too, thought that Luke had lost his hand in a lightsaber accident. If they happened to mention that in front of someone who knew the real story, the truth would come out anyway, and it would be better for them to hear it from him first.
He took a deep breath. "Sit down, girls. We need to talk."
"You cut off Master Luke's hand?" Elissa whispered in horror. Tera and Gil simply stared at him in shock.
Anakin nodded. His shame and remorse were threatening to overwhelm him again. He made sure his shields were intact-he wanted to get through the discussion without disturbing Luke-and mentally ran through a calming exercise. He couldn't fall apart right now.
"But he's your son," Tera said disbelievingly.
"Actually, that's why I cut his hand off," Anakin replied in a hoarse voice. "I wanted him to join me. I was desperate to turn him to the dark side so I tried to make him angry and afraid."
"How can you be so close now?" Elissa asked after a moment.
"My son is a truly great person. After Bespin, he had every reason to hate me, but he chose to forgive me and redeem me instead." Anakin went on, describing their second encounter at Endor, how he had turned back to the light and been accepted by his children and friends. When he had finished, there was a long uncomfortable silence. None of the three students seemed to be able to meet his eyes.
Anakin sighed. When he'd first told the padawans about his fall, they'd been so accepting, but, as he'd feared, learning the specifics of things he'd done was upsetting them. He tried to think if there was anything he could say to make it easier for them, but decided that there really wasn't. The padawans would have to absorb the knowledge and decide how to respond to him on their own.
"That's why I can't duel with Luke again," he finally continued. "I think it would just be too painful for both of us. We are close, but the memories are hard to deal with, and we're still in the healing process. I hope you can understand that."
Slowly they all nodded, but still didn't speak. Anakin thought that perhaps they needed some time apart to come to grips with what he'd just told them.
He cleared his throat. "Tera and Elissa, why don't you go for a walk and concentrate on becoming more attuned with the Living Force in the environment around you? Gil, you're free to play the rest of the afternoon, unless you'd like to help me upgrade the transmissions frequencies in the Angel?"
Gil shot him a look full of hurt and betrayal before quickly shaking his head and running off towards the woods.
"Gil," Anakin called. He stood up and took a step after the boy when he sensed Luke and Keren approaching and turned to see them walking across the terrace.
"What's going on?" Luke asked, glancing around at the solemn expressions.
"Come on, Tera. Master Anakin told us to go for a walk," Elissa pulled on her friend's arm and the two of them headed off across the field.
Anakin looked at his son, grimacing. "I think I just destroyed any delusions the padawans might have had about me. I hope you don't mind, but I just told them about our personal history-Bespin and everything. They were wanting us to duel for them, and I was trying to explain why we couldn't. And I realized that they needed to know the real story before one of them commented about you losing your hand in an accident in front of someone who knows better, and-well, I don't know. It just seemed like something I needed to do. Maybe I should have talked it over with you first. I'm sorry."
Luke shook his head. "It's all right, Father. I think you're right. They needed to know. I don't mind your telling them." He looked after Tera and Elissa's retreating forms. "I guess it's pretty hard for them to understand, though."
"Yes," Anakin agreed. "Especially Gil. He looked like I'd just stabbed him, before he ran off into the woods. I need to go after him."
"Let me go," Luke offered. "It might help if I talked with him instead."
Anakin nodded. "All right, son. Maybe it would be better if you were the one to talk with him." He reached for Luke's arm, then hesitated, and finally just sent a jumbled wash of remorse, love, and gratitude to him through the Force.
Luke gave him a quick hug before heading off towards the forest after Gil.
Anakin watched him go, then turned to find Keren studying him quietly. She seemed a little more at ease around him. He hated to destroy that, but she was bound to hear the revelation from the other padawans.
"I guess you're wondering what that was all about," he said heavily, wondering if he were really up to going through it all again.
But she shook her head. "No, sir. Master Luke told me about all of that a few days ago."
"He did?"
She nodded. "Yes. We were having a discussion about our fathers. I know about what my father did when you first came back to Naboo, and so we were talking about how important forgiveness is."
For the first time, Anakin could sense a quiet strength underneath her fear, but of course, it would have had to have been there all along. How else could she have survived seventeen years in an underground prison without going insane?
"Your father made mistakes, of course, but he's not a bad man," he told her gently. "I have to blame myself more than anyone else for what happened to him, and to you."
Keren gave him a wry look and shook her head. "I blame Palpatine more than anyone else."
A little taken aback, Anakin said awkwardly, "Oh, yes, him. I suppose so."
He sank back down on the steps and was even more surprised when she sat beside him. "Master Luke said you do that. You know, that you tend to forget about Palpatine and act like everything was entirely your fault."
For a moment, Anakin was unsure what to say. He looked down and sideways to where the ground sloped to meet the lake. "Not really. I know exactly what Palpatine was, and how much he's to blame. But it's still hard for me to accept the things I did." He could feel memories from that dark time hovering on the edge of his consciousness and struggled to push them away. "I can never forget them."
The hint of anguish in his hoarse voice touched Keren's heart. She was torn between compassion and anxiety for a few seconds, but then compassion won. Tentatively, she laid her hand on his arm.
"Maybe you shouldn't forget, but also try to remember the good things you've done, and concentrate on what you can still do."
Anakin looked at her hand resting lightly on his forearm, and felt a lump come to his throat. He blinked back tears and said, "You have been talking a lot with Luke, haven't you?"
She looked confused so he explained, "He's always telling me things like that. And you're both right. Thank you, Keren."
"You're welcome." She withdrew her hand, but remained sitting on the steps.
Anakin glanced at her, a little shyly. "So do you think you could forgive me?"
She hesitated, but then answered honestly. "I'm trying to, but I'm still coming to terms with everything. I wish my family hadn't been hurt so much. And I wish I could have all those years back. It isn't fair that I lost my childhood. Sometimes it's hard not to be angry."
Anakin nodded and bowed his head. Keren looked at him, and added more gently, "But I do know that you didn't mean for us to be imprisoned, and like I said, I really blame Palpatine more than anyone. I know that I need to let go of anger and fear, and I want to. I think I'm getting better. It's just that I'm still working on it."
"Well, seventeen years of being locked up underground isn't easy to recover from," Anakin told her. "You've made great progress."
And that was true, he realized. He could still sense some nervousness from her, but she was handling it and not letting it control her. In just a couple of short weeks, she'd come a long way from the terrified young woman who'd appeared on their doorstep. Maybe Luke was right about training her, though Anakin thought she would probably need lots of guidance and monitoring before attaining full Knight status. He decided to talk more about it with Luke when he returned from talking with Gil.
Suddenly the terrace door was flung open and Threepio came hurrying out, waving his arms in distress. "Oh, Master Anakin. We've received another warning. Please come and see."
Anakin and Keren both leaped to their feet and hurried inside.
TBC
Lightsabers clashed and swept through the air as the two opponents struck and parried. As their blades crossed and locked, they circled one another. One leaped backwards to disengage, and then lunged forward to attack. Just as swiftly, the other sidestepped, letting momentum throw the attacker off-balance.
"Very good, Elissa," Anakin called from the sidelines. "It was a nice try, Tera, but you must also anticipate your opponent's move to be successful. That's enough for now. Take a break, you two."
Tera and Elissa deactivated their purple and silver blades and walked back over to join the group sitting on the steps of the terrace. A few days ago, Anakin and Luke had decided that the padawans were ready for the next step in their fencing practice and since then mock duels had been included in the training sessions.
It was encouraging for Anakin to see how confident and capable all the padawans were becoming. They seemed to make progress every day. And Tera, Elissa, and Gil were all thrilled with their new lightsabers. It was as if having their own blades and learning to duel made them feel like real Jedi.
He had to smile remembering their excitement when they had chosen the colors of their sabers. Elissa and Tera had debated endlessly before coming to a decision, while Gil had instantly declared that he wanted a blue lightsaber.
//Like yours,// Luke had teased his father. //I think I'm jealous.// It was becoming obvious that Gil hero-worshipped Anakin. He tagged along after him every chance he got, sat beside him at dinner, and hung on Anakin's every word.
Anakin had placed his hand on his son's shoulder. //There's no need for you to be. I love the padawans, but no one could ever take the place of my children. Gil's just never had a father figure before. I felt the same way when I was growing up.//
//Oh, I know,// Luke had agreed amiably. //I was just kidding.//
Once the lightsabers were complete, the padawans had begun real fencing, though the sabers were still set on training frequency, of course. Luke and Anakin sometimes worked with them one on one, but today Anakin had had Tera and Elissa duel each other, while he and Gil watched. Luke and Keren were in the library, studying some cases of how the Old Republic Jedi had handled land disputes.
As the girls approached, Anakin added. "Both of you did well. At this rate, you'll all be first-class fencers before long."
Tera gave him a smile. "Thank yousa, Master." She glanced about at the others. "And speaking of first-class fencers, wesa have been wanting to ask if yousa and Master Luke would give us a demonstration. Wesa would really love to see yousa duel."
Anakin froze and for a moment, his bright blue eyes grew clouded. Finally he swallowed hard and said softly, "No. I'm sorry, but we can't do that."
The padawans' eager expressions became crestfallen.
"Please, Master Anakin," Gil begged. "It would be so cool to see you and Luke duel."
"It's 'Master' Luke to you, Gil," Anakin reproved gently, though he softened his words by patting the boy's knee. "And I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but I'm not going to duel with my son again."
"But why?" Gil persisted, while Tera and Elissa both questioned, "Again?"
Anakin studied them in silence. Talking about his and Luke's past was incredibly difficult for him. Just thinking about it was difficult. But perhaps they needed to know.
He had said that he would try to answer any questions they had about when he'd been Darth Vader, and while he didn't want to violate Luke's privacy, most of their troubled history was known by family and friends.
That was another reason he felt he should talk with the padawans now. Gil, and probably the others, too, thought that Luke had lost his hand in a lightsaber accident. If they happened to mention that in front of someone who knew the real story, the truth would come out anyway, and it would be better for them to hear it from him first.
He took a deep breath. "Sit down, girls. We need to talk."
"You cut off Master Luke's hand?" Elissa whispered in horror. Tera and Gil simply stared at him in shock.
Anakin nodded. His shame and remorse were threatening to overwhelm him again. He made sure his shields were intact-he wanted to get through the discussion without disturbing Luke-and mentally ran through a calming exercise. He couldn't fall apart right now.
"But he's your son," Tera said disbelievingly.
"Actually, that's why I cut his hand off," Anakin replied in a hoarse voice. "I wanted him to join me. I was desperate to turn him to the dark side so I tried to make him angry and afraid."
"How can you be so close now?" Elissa asked after a moment.
"My son is a truly great person. After Bespin, he had every reason to hate me, but he chose to forgive me and redeem me instead." Anakin went on, describing their second encounter at Endor, how he had turned back to the light and been accepted by his children and friends. When he had finished, there was a long uncomfortable silence. None of the three students seemed to be able to meet his eyes.
Anakin sighed. When he'd first told the padawans about his fall, they'd been so accepting, but, as he'd feared, learning the specifics of things he'd done was upsetting them. He tried to think if there was anything he could say to make it easier for them, but decided that there really wasn't. The padawans would have to absorb the knowledge and decide how to respond to him on their own.
"That's why I can't duel with Luke again," he finally continued. "I think it would just be too painful for both of us. We are close, but the memories are hard to deal with, and we're still in the healing process. I hope you can understand that."
Slowly they all nodded, but still didn't speak. Anakin thought that perhaps they needed some time apart to come to grips with what he'd just told them.
He cleared his throat. "Tera and Elissa, why don't you go for a walk and concentrate on becoming more attuned with the Living Force in the environment around you? Gil, you're free to play the rest of the afternoon, unless you'd like to help me upgrade the transmissions frequencies in the Angel?"
Gil shot him a look full of hurt and betrayal before quickly shaking his head and running off towards the woods.
"Gil," Anakin called. He stood up and took a step after the boy when he sensed Luke and Keren approaching and turned to see them walking across the terrace.
"What's going on?" Luke asked, glancing around at the solemn expressions.
"Come on, Tera. Master Anakin told us to go for a walk," Elissa pulled on her friend's arm and the two of them headed off across the field.
Anakin looked at his son, grimacing. "I think I just destroyed any delusions the padawans might have had about me. I hope you don't mind, but I just told them about our personal history-Bespin and everything. They were wanting us to duel for them, and I was trying to explain why we couldn't. And I realized that they needed to know the real story before one of them commented about you losing your hand in an accident in front of someone who knows better, and-well, I don't know. It just seemed like something I needed to do. Maybe I should have talked it over with you first. I'm sorry."
Luke shook his head. "It's all right, Father. I think you're right. They needed to know. I don't mind your telling them." He looked after Tera and Elissa's retreating forms. "I guess it's pretty hard for them to understand, though."
"Yes," Anakin agreed. "Especially Gil. He looked like I'd just stabbed him, before he ran off into the woods. I need to go after him."
"Let me go," Luke offered. "It might help if I talked with him instead."
Anakin nodded. "All right, son. Maybe it would be better if you were the one to talk with him." He reached for Luke's arm, then hesitated, and finally just sent a jumbled wash of remorse, love, and gratitude to him through the Force.
Luke gave him a quick hug before heading off towards the forest after Gil.
Anakin watched him go, then turned to find Keren studying him quietly. She seemed a little more at ease around him. He hated to destroy that, but she was bound to hear the revelation from the other padawans.
"I guess you're wondering what that was all about," he said heavily, wondering if he were really up to going through it all again.
But she shook her head. "No, sir. Master Luke told me about all of that a few days ago."
"He did?"
She nodded. "Yes. We were having a discussion about our fathers. I know about what my father did when you first came back to Naboo, and so we were talking about how important forgiveness is."
For the first time, Anakin could sense a quiet strength underneath her fear, but of course, it would have had to have been there all along. How else could she have survived seventeen years in an underground prison without going insane?
"Your father made mistakes, of course, but he's not a bad man," he told her gently. "I have to blame myself more than anyone else for what happened to him, and to you."
Keren gave him a wry look and shook her head. "I blame Palpatine more than anyone else."
A little taken aback, Anakin said awkwardly, "Oh, yes, him. I suppose so."
He sank back down on the steps and was even more surprised when she sat beside him. "Master Luke said you do that. You know, that you tend to forget about Palpatine and act like everything was entirely your fault."
For a moment, Anakin was unsure what to say. He looked down and sideways to where the ground sloped to meet the lake. "Not really. I know exactly what Palpatine was, and how much he's to blame. But it's still hard for me to accept the things I did." He could feel memories from that dark time hovering on the edge of his consciousness and struggled to push them away. "I can never forget them."
The hint of anguish in his hoarse voice touched Keren's heart. She was torn between compassion and anxiety for a few seconds, but then compassion won. Tentatively, she laid her hand on his arm.
"Maybe you shouldn't forget, but also try to remember the good things you've done, and concentrate on what you can still do."
Anakin looked at her hand resting lightly on his forearm, and felt a lump come to his throat. He blinked back tears and said, "You have been talking a lot with Luke, haven't you?"
She looked confused so he explained, "He's always telling me things like that. And you're both right. Thank you, Keren."
"You're welcome." She withdrew her hand, but remained sitting on the steps.
Anakin glanced at her, a little shyly. "So do you think you could forgive me?"
She hesitated, but then answered honestly. "I'm trying to, but I'm still coming to terms with everything. I wish my family hadn't been hurt so much. And I wish I could have all those years back. It isn't fair that I lost my childhood. Sometimes it's hard not to be angry."
Anakin nodded and bowed his head. Keren looked at him, and added more gently, "But I do know that you didn't mean for us to be imprisoned, and like I said, I really blame Palpatine more than anyone. I know that I need to let go of anger and fear, and I want to. I think I'm getting better. It's just that I'm still working on it."
"Well, seventeen years of being locked up underground isn't easy to recover from," Anakin told her. "You've made great progress."
And that was true, he realized. He could still sense some nervousness from her, but she was handling it and not letting it control her. In just a couple of short weeks, she'd come a long way from the terrified young woman who'd appeared on their doorstep. Maybe Luke was right about training her, though Anakin thought she would probably need lots of guidance and monitoring before attaining full Knight status. He decided to talk more about it with Luke when he returned from talking with Gil.
Suddenly the terrace door was flung open and Threepio came hurrying out, waving his arms in distress. "Oh, Master Anakin. We've received another warning. Please come and see."
Anakin and Keren both leaped to their feet and hurried inside.
TBC
