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Disclaimer: 

It's Rumiko I truly revere,

For her wonders produced every year.

Tho' I think she's divine,

Inu-Yasha's not mine,

Which is why this disclaimer is here.

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Chapter 34

Limericks and a Ballerina

Kagome adjusted her chair to a more comfortable position and leaned back to observe the talent competition.  She checked the bank of viewing monitors and yawned, hoping the competition wouldn't send her to dreamland.  Too little sleep for the past week…so tired…

Ladies, Gentlemen, Those Who Wish They Were Ladies, and Esteemed Members of the Audience!  Welcome, all of you, to the Greater Honolulu 'Man I Feel Like A Woman' Pageant!  Tonight we will be showing the talent competition, and I'd like to take a moment to introduce our special guest judges!  Gentlemen, would you please stand?  Here, all the way from New York, please welcome Kyan, Ted, Carson, Jai and Thom – The Fab Five!

Her head bonked the table in front of her, waking her momentarily.  Kagome stretched and attempted to keep her eyes open.  Sesshomaru was counting on her to be watching for trouble…she nodded off again, this time sliding out of her chair and thumping to the floor.  Her purse fell open and the contents scattered across the floor.

Wow!  What a performance!  That was Ranma Saotome, demonstrating his skill at martial synchronized swimming, accompanied by his martial lifeguard performance!  Great save with the girl in the pool, Ranma!  Now, after a short message from our sponsors, we'll be treated to a reading of an original poetry composition by Xellos, followed by Kurama and his Dance of the Rose Petal Whip!

Okay, so the talent competition was getting more interesting by the minute.  Kagome looked up at the monitor as she crawled along the floor picking up her things.  How did that girl in the karate gi manage to fall in and nearly drown in a kiddie swimming pool?  She bumped something with her foot and heard it roll underneath a nearby desk.  Cursing, she angled her body along the baseboards and tried to reach the object.

Kagome gasped when she managed to pull the item out.  Lying there in her palm was a necklace holding a small, round jewel.  At first glance, there appeared to be nothing special about the necklace or the jewel.  It was only after holding it for a moment she became entranced.  The jewel was an opaque, pinkish-rose color, and before her eyes it turned into the most beautiful thing she had ever laid eyes on.

This was in my purse?  How did it get there?  Unable to resist temptation, she placed the jewel and its chain around her neck.  There was something about it that warmed her to the very core of her soul.  It just felt so – right – to wear this precious object.  Resolving to ask questions later, she tucked the necklace underneath the collar of her shirt and returned to viewing the monitors.

Xellos was now onstage, doing his poetry reading.

There once was a girl named Inverse,

Whose breasts were incredibly cursed.

I know she was jealous

Of beautiful Xellos,

And the guys that chase after him first!

Kagome's jaw dropped.  This was worse than Volgon poetry.  She noticed that someone in the crowd was screeching.  Kagome viewed from another angle, and witnessed security guards attempting to keep a redhead from storming the stage.  One of the Fab Five, Carson, had left his seat to talk to the redhead.

Meanwhile, Xellos was continuing.

Now I know Xellos has lots of luck

With scheming and passing the buck.

But he's surrounded by scenes

Of lovely drag queens

So right now, he just wants to –

Thank you, Xellos!  Let's give him a big hand, everyone!

The producer was desperately signaling a commercial break.  Kagome continued to stare at the monitor in disbelief as the redhead punched Carson in the nose and stomped on his foot, screaming at him.

I am NOT a MAN, so quit giving me fashion advice!  And Xellos, you're going to pay for this!

The redhead broke through the security guards and grabbed Xellos by the throat.  She wrestled the purple-haired contestant to the stage and began banging his head against the floor.  Carson jumped into the fray and attempted to rescue Xellos.  The last sight Kagome saw before the stage burst into flames was the producer lying in the fetal position and sucking his thumb, crying for his mother.

********

Inu-Yasha strolled around the resort grounds outside the theatre.  The night was peaceful, and everyone appeared to be on the inside.  Good, he thought.  He really didn't want to talk to anyone right now, not while he was trying to wrap his brain around the events of the day.

He rested his back against a nearby wall and closed his eyes.  Hell, he was exhausted from everything that had happened this week.  Images of a large green dragon appeared before his eyes.  It had huge teeth and red eyes, breathing fire and slicing him to pieces with razor sharp claws.  Inu-Yasha tried to banish the image by mentally hacking the Vicious Dragon to bits with Tetsusaiga.

Inu-Yasha could practically feel the dragon's hot breath on his neck.  He opened his eyes with a start when he realized he was feeling hot breath on his neck.  Jakotsu was standing before him, almost touching nose to nose.  Inu-Yasha panicked.  How had Jakotsu managed to sneak up on him like this?

"You're in my bubble," Inu-Yasha warned Jakotsu as he tried to shrink further into the wall.  "Get out of my face, freak."

Jakotsu ignored him and placed his arms on either side of Inu-Yasha.  "And here I am missing the talent competition just so I could be with you," he clicked his tongue disapprovingly.  "Come on, you know we'd be good together, Inu-Yasha.  What are you so afraid of?"

Inu-Yasha stiffened and tried to move away.  "Listen," he put an arm out to Jakotsu's chest in a futile attempt to push him back.  "I'm straight, remember?  But even if I wasn't, the answer would still be NO.  You're not my type.  What the - ?" he croaked as a sharp pain ripped through his side.

Jakotsu slowly removed his dagger from where he had stuck it in Inu-Yasha's ribcage.  "I'm so sorry, Inu-Yasha," he whispered as he drew his arms around Inu-Yasha and pressed his cheek to his shoulder.  "Couldn't you just try to love me a little?"  Inu-Yasha slumped into Jakotsu's arms as the world began to go dark.

********

Vicious Dragon cursed soundly.  He'd torn the rooms apart, and his Beloved was nowhere to be found.  What had the boy done with Tetsusaiga?  Jakotsu had said the sword wasn't with Inu-Yasha when he'd found him.  Vicious Dragon smirked.  At least that nuisance was gone.  He'd wanted to kill Inu-Yasha personally, but a true leader knew when to delegate a task.  He couldn't be wasting time with the unimportant details, not if he was going to get off the island successfully.

The sound of running water made him pause.  Everyone had left for the talent competition, so who was in the shower?  Why was a quacking noise coming from the bathroom?

Vicious Dragon opened the bathroom door slowly with his knife at hand and crept toward the enclosed shower.  The water in the shower stopped and a man stepped out, causing Vicious Dragon to freeze in his tracks.

The man peered nearsightedly at Vicious Dragon.  "Ranma!  Shampoo is mine!  How dare you try to take her!" the man shouted.

"What?" Vicious Dragon asked in astonishment.

"Shampoo will never be yours!" the man yelled before launching a bunch of fishhooks at Vicious Dragon, seemingly out of nowhere.  "I, Mousse, the Master of the Hidden Weapon, will defeat you this time, Ranma Saotome!"

********

"I thought we'd never get the chance to be alone," Kagura sighed happily.  A faint blush stained her cheekbones as she took a thorough look at the man she loved.  It was difficult to make out his form in the dim lighting, but what she could see made her want to swallow her tongue.  Just the sight of all his muscles was sending shivers through her body.

Sesshomaru cradled her in his arms.  "It has been crazy, hasn't it?" he murmured.  "I can't think of a better way to spend my time than with you, though."  He nibbled lightly on her neck, causing her to giggle.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Kagura whispered in Sesshomaru's ear as she snuggled into his warm embrace.

Sesshomaru brought a gentle finger to her face and traced the outline of her soft lips.  "Yes," he whispered back.  "Can I make a confession, though?   I think I'm actually a little nervous.  I…I've never done this before, Kagura."  He hesitantly pressed her closer against him.

She playfully nipped the tip of his finger.  "That's okay.  You'll be great, I know you will," Kagura assured him as she smoothed her hands across his bare shoulders.  She placed her lips in the hollow where his throat met his chest and felt his pulse beneath her touch.

Welcome back!  Now that the flames have been put out and the stage is cleaned up, our next contestant will be Ms. Fluffy, giving us a performance from the ballet Swan Lake!

Kagura reluctantly tore herself away from Sesshomaru and adjusted the sequined tutu on his costume.  "Break a leg!" she grinned, slapping him on the butt and giving him a push towards the stage.  She readied her camera.  This was too good to miss.

********

Additional Disclaimers:  I do not own Volgon poetry (thank heavens), a product of the imagination of Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, although I own a complete set of Douglas Adams' works.  The man was a comedic genius, and I was sorry to learn of his death.

I do not own the Fab Five or 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy', as shown on the Bravo TV network.

I also do not claim to own any skills whatsoever with writing poetry.  Sophie-chan and I would like to apologize for the limericks we inflicted upon our readers, and we promise not to do it again, unless we deem it absolutely necessary.

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A/N:  Okay, this is as good a place to take a break as any.  I'll confess I'm having a terrible time trying to write the next scene.  It's not writers block as much as the inability to spell out the picture that's in my mind.  (And yes, it's a silly picture.)

This fic is winding down; I'll probably finish within a few more chapters.  I never intended for it to be this long to begin with, but Sophie-chan and I have been having wayyyyy too much fun to quit.  Spending lunchtime thinking of new ways to torture the hotties has become quite a habit for us, I'm afraid.

Said the authors of this silly fic,

We'll play such a terrible trick!

We'll put bois in dresses

With long, flowing tresses –

Sophie-chan:  Lav!  You promised not to do anymore limericks!

Lavender:  Oops, sorry 'bout that. *blushes*