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Disclaimer: I own nothing but immense gratitude to Rumiko Takahashi and the creators of Charlie's Angels, YuYu Hakusho and Slayers Next. May you someday forgive me for what I did to your creations.
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Chapter 40
Is ANYONE in Here Paying Attention?
"I think we lost them, Yusuke. I don't see them anymore," Hiei pointed out to his companion as they stepped out of the elevator onto the second floor. "Now what do we do?"
"They might have changed form again," Yusuke responded. "We need to look for a cat, not a girl. What shape do you suppose those other two girls take?"
"Panda," said Hiei.
"Panda? That's stupid. There's no such thing as a panda-demon, Hiei!"
"No," Hiei corrected him, a look of horror on his face. "I mean…Panda!" he pointed to the large animal lumbering down the hall.
"Okay," breathed Yusuke, "let's just stay calm. Don't excite the beast, and maybe it'll just pass by without noticing us." The panda was coming nearer as he spoke. "Stay calm, stay calm…nice panda…aaaauuugggghhhhh!"
With a swipe of a furry paw, the panda rolled the pair of spirit detectives down the hallway and into a nearby janitorial closet. After a few minutes of quiet, Hiei dared to open the door of the closet and peek out. "Yusuke," he said uncertainly, "I thought you said there was no such thing as a panda-demon. Are you sure about that?"
"Why?" Yusuke asked.
"Because that Panda just picked up the cell phone you dropped and is using it make a call," Hiei said. "You'd better hope it isn't to his relatives back home in China. The roaming charges alone will cost you a fortune."
*******
"Dr. Tofu! Are you all right?" Nazuna gasped as she saw Dr. Tofu crumple to the floor. She dropped the paper towels she was carrying. "What happened?" she asked the waiting emergency room patients. "I was gone for less than two minutes!"
No one would answer at first. Finally the purple haired cross-dresser spoke up. "Um, Lina here had a bit of an accident." He gestured to the short woman who was scowling at the unconscious Dr. Tofu.
"Accident?" Nazuna questioned sharply. "What kind of accident? What did you do to him?" The other woman mumbled a reply. "Speak up!" Nazuna ordered her.
"I said, he asked me if I was Xellos' BOYFRIEND!" Lina repeated. "Do I look like a MAN to you?"
"Don't answer that," Xellos advised Nazuna. He then smirked. "You wish you could get a man this gorgeous, Lina. Ow!" he yelped as Lina clobbered him. "Somebody save me!" Xellos leaped behind Nazuna's desk and cowered underneath it.
"ENOUGH!" Nazuna yelled at them. She broke open a bottle of Ammonium Carbonate and waved it under Dr. Tofu's nose. The physician sat up with a groan.
"Duck," Dr. Tofu spluttered.
"Easy, doc," Nazuna said. "Did you hit your head when you fell?" She checked him for bumps and blood.
"No, there's a duck," Dr. Tofu told her.
Nazuna turned her attention to where Dr. Tofu was pointing. "Okay, that's it!" she yelled in exasperation. "Why is there a duck sitting on my computer?" The soaking wet duck, startled by her shouting, flapped awkwardly to the swinging doors leading to the main section of the hospital. A puddle formed on the top of Nazuna's computer where the duck had been sitting.
"The duck-demon!" the red-head sitting next to the guy with the broken leg shouted. Nazuna, who was still kneeling on the floor next to Dr. Tofu, dodged as the slender red-head jumped over their heads and chased after the duck. Quacking and scuffling noises filtered back from the elevator to the emergency waiting room.
Nazuna had inadvertently gotten a clear look up red-head's dress during the leap. "Another cross-dresser?" she asked incredulously. "Isn't anyone in here a woman? Aaauuuuggghhhh!" Nazuna screamed as Lina launched herself towards her.
*******
"Put the knife down, Ryukossei," Sesshomaru warned him. "You can't hope to get away with this. There's too many of us."
Vicious Dragon pressed the knife more tightly to Kagura's throat. "What's the matter, don't want to see your pretty little bitch get hurt?" he asked Sesshomaru. "Give me My Darling," he ordered, pointing to the Tetsusaiga lying in Inu-Yasha's still hand.
"I am so tired of this," Kagura ground out against the knife pressing into the skin of her neck. "I have been kidnapped, held at gunpoint and fallen overboard. I have been forced to fly on an airplane, forced to go to sea, and forced to look for new employment because my boss is going to jail, all in the same time period. When I get my hands on you, Vicious Dragon, I'm gonna - !"
"You're gonna do what?" Ryukossei taunted her. "Puke on me until I surrender?" He tightened his hold on Kagura's neck, causing her to choke. "The Tetsusaiga," he spoke again to Sesshomaru, "hand it over."
Sesshomaru reached down to take the sword from his brother's hand. As he moved it, Inu-Yasha tightened his grip. "Let go, Inu-Yasha," Sesshomaru growled at him, trying to yank the sword from his grasp. In response, Inu-Yasha tightened his hold upon the hilt.
*******
"Oh there you are, Dr. Suikotsu!" Kasumi's cheerful voice hailed him from the nurse's station at the end of the corridor. "Someone was just here looking for you. Do you know a Mr. Ryukossei?"
Dr. Suikotsu stared at her. "R-R-Ryukossei is here?" he stammered, putting all thoughts of the seemingly resurrected Kikyo and her Shikon jewel out of his mind. "Did you see which way he went?"
Kasumi pointed in the direction of the hallway to her right. "Just follow that panda," she smiled. "You can't miss it."
*******
"Kagome! Are you all right?" Koga asked, pulling her to his chest in a tight hug. "Ranma said you needed help! Don't worry Kagome; I won't let anyone hurt you, ever!"
"Uh, okay," Kagome said. She attempted to push herself and the grunting P-chan away from Koga's embrace. "Um, I can't breathe here..."
Koga released her reluctantly. Piercing her with his blue eyes, he cupped her cheek with a hand. "Did that bastard hurt you? I'll kill him if he did! Ouch!" Koga gripped his hand, rubbing the spot where P-chan had just bitten him.
"Koga, do you think you could hit on Inu-Yasha's girlfriend on your own time?" Yura interrupted. "Where is this Dr. Sui-whatever, Kagome? Ranma wasn't exactly clear on that point. In fact, he wasn't clear on any point."
Put the knife down, Ryukossei. You can't hope to get away with this. There's too many of us.
"What was that?" Kagome gasped at the sound emanating from Koga. "That sounded like Sesshomaru!"
"Oh, that's Sesshomaru's bra microphone," Koga said. "I forgot he was wearing it with his ballet costume. He must have accidentally switched it back on." Koga tapped the front of his own shirt pocket. "He only has the transmitter, though. I have the receiver right here."
"Koga?" Kagome asked hesitantly. "Who is Ryukossei?"
"That's right, you haven't heard this yet. Ryukossei is Vicious Dragon!" Koga told Kagome proudly. "And to think I used to work for this guy!"
Kagome pointed to Koga's receiver, which was crackling. Sesshomaru's voice came through the tiny microphone once more.
Let go, Inu-Yasha!
Yura's eyes widened. "Koga, you idiot! Sesshy's in trouble back there! Didn't you just hear him say 'Ryukossei' a second ago? Come on!" She headed down the corridor back towards Inu-Yasha's room, with Koga, Kagome and a squealing P-chan close behind.
********
"Aaaauuuggghhhh!" the doctor screamed as the intense voltage seared through him.
"Lum, I told you to be careful! The water on the floor conducts electricity!" Ataru yelled. "Now look at what you did!"
Lum ceased her zapping. "Darling, is the man all right?" she asked, peering over Ataru's shoulder. "He looks a little frazzled."
"No, he looks a little electrocuted," Ataru corrected her as he helped the shaking physician to his feet. "Sorry about that, Dr., uh…" he checked out the nametag, "Dr. Suikotsu. My friend here gets a little excited sometimes."
"Garrgggllllleeee," Dr. Suikotsu tried to speak. He pointed in the direction Ataru and Lum had just left.
"Darling, he must be Inu-Yasha's doctor!" Lum exclaimed. "Let's help him to the room."
Ataru put a supporting arm around the staggering doctor. "This way, doc," he told Suikotsu as he helped him walk down the hallway. "And don't worry about the shaking and stuff. Those side effects clear up after a while. I should know; Lum's zapped me more times than I can remember."
"Frabllleendo," Dr. Suikotsu replied. "Magahwowroo!" he continued as something hard hit Ataru and the doctor in the back. He and Ataru fell to their knees on the tiled floor.
"Sorry, coming through!" a young man with a black ponytail yelled as he raced past them, stepping on Dr. Suikotsu's hand in the process. Ataru barely had time to dodge as the young man was followed by a woman carrying a small black pig and another woman wearing an incredibly short skirt.
"Hrreeemm!" Dr. Suikotsu howled, clutching his hand.
"Oh, yeah!" Ataru said gleefully as he tried to grab the woman in the short skirt.
"Darling, come back here!" Lum yelled, sending a bolt of electricity after Ataru, who was still trying to grab the woman. He dodged, and the bolt hit a puddle of water on the floor and bounced up to zap the physician once more. "Oh, sorry!" Lum cried as Dr. Suikotsu shrieked. "This is all Darling's fault, you know! Here, let me help you!"
"Offjagman!" Dr. Suikotsu gurgled, running after the others as he tried to get away from the floating alien princess.
*******
The elevator doors clanged open and Kurama raced out, searching for the duck. "He had to get out on this floor," Kurama said to himself. "That demon didn't go past here, I'm sure of it!"
A door suddenly swung open, whacking Kurama in the face. "Ow!" he howled as his nose began to bleed. "What - "
"Kurama! What are you doing here?" Yusuke said as he stepped from behind the door of the janitorial closet. "You're supposed to be down there with Kuwabara! And what happened to your nose?"
Kurama gave him a withering look. "I'b chasing dat duck-debon," he tried to say.
"Look!" said Hiei, who had joined them in the hallway. "There's that duck-demon! Let's get him!"
********
"Dammit, Inu-Yasha, let go of the stupid sword!" Sesshomaru yelled at his heavily sedated brother. "It's not worth our lives!" he grunted as he tried to pull Tetsusaiga from Inu-Yasha's death grip.
"That's right," Ryukossei said. "Give me my Beautiful Katana, and I'll let this woman live."
"No P-chan! Don't run in there!" a woman's voice shouted from the hallway. A second later, a small black pig scooted into the room, oinking and snorting.
"P-chan!" Akane squealed. "Where have you been? I've been so worried about you!" She glomped onto the pig and pressed him tightly to her chest, kissing him the entire time. The pig immediately fainted and his nose started to bleed.
"Oh no, P-chan!" Kagome ran into the room, followed by Koga and Yura. "What did you do to my pig?" Kagome yelled at Akane as she grabbed the unconscious P-chan. "If you hurt him, I'll - "
"Your P-chan? I'll have you know, P-chan belongs to me!" Akane yanked the pig away from Kagome. "Get your hands off of him!"
"Uh, Akane…Kagome…could we discuss this some other time?" Ranma asked as he tried to separate the fighting women. "There's other things going on right now and aaaagggghhhhh!"
Shampoo was once again sitting on Ranma's head. Ranma continued to scream and run around the room, trying to shake the cat off. Miroku and Sango tried to catch them and grab Shampoo, but Ranma was moving too quickly.
"Sesshy, what's going on?" Yura and Koga ran into the room and stopped short as they noticed Ryukossei holding a knife to Kagura's throat. Sesshomaru didn't hear them, as he was now standing on the bed trying to wrest the sword away from Inu-Yasha. "Sesshy, I asked what's going on," Yura repeated. "Why is – eeeeeek!" Yura screamed as she was tackled to the floor from behind.
"Hi, I'm Ataru!" the young man who had tackled Yura introduced himself to her.
"Get…off…of…me!" Yura grunted. She slapped Ataru as he groped her breasts. "Pervert!"
Miroku flinched; then realized that for once in his life, the 'pervert' accusation wasn't being leveled at him. Distracted, he tripped and fell into Ranma, sending the busty redhead sprawling to the floor. Sango tripped over both of them and landed on Ranma with a thud, barely missing Shampoo, who was still firmly attached to Ranma's face.
"Get that duck demon!" Yusuke, Hiei and Kurama piled into the room, knocking Koga to the side as they chased a nearsighted duck.
"Mousse?" Ukyo cried as she recognized the duck. "What are you doing here? Oh, who cares, help us get Shampoo!" Ukyo pointed to the cat on Ranma's head. Mousse began quacking and pecking at Shampoo and Ranma.
"Here they are, Dr. Suikotsu!" Lum chirped as she followed the physician into the room. "Darling!" she screeched as she noticed Ataru lying on top of Yura. "Darling, get off of her right now!" Lum ordered as she began zapping the boy.
Koga righted himself from his earlier fall and then slipped on a puddle of water. He fell into Lum, knocking her down as she zapped Ataru. Her electrical bolts shot wide of their target, hitting Dr. Suikotsu once more.
"Gleeble?" was the only thing the physician said as convulsions ran through him. He looked around the room at the chaos. "Mirconstordfer," he continued as Nazuna and Dr. Tofu ran into the room, followed by Xellos and a limping Kuwabara. "Koozbat," Dr. Suikotsu added as a panda ambled into the room, pushed him to the floor and sat on his legs.
"She's crazy!" screamed Nazuna, waving her arms in the air. "Save us!" Nazuna begged as a furious Lina stormed through the door. Xellos, Kuwabara, Dr. Tofu and Nazuna all dived under Inu-Yasha's bed.
"Anyone else want to crack a joke about me being a man?" Lina raged. "Who else wants a piece of this?"
"Is ANYONE in here paying attention?" a voice shouted through the din.
Akane and Kagome stopped trading punches and pulling hair. P-chan staggered to his feet and oinked. Ukyo, Sango, Miroku and Mousse ceased trying to remove Shampoo from Ranma's face. Yusuke, Hiei and Kurama ceased trying to remove Mousse from Shampoo. Lum and Koga slowly sat up from where they had fallen, as did Ataru and Yura. Dr. Tofu, Xellos, Nazuna and Kuwabara peeked out from under the bed. Lina stopped trying to kill everyone. Dr. Suikotsu remained on the floor, as the panda was still sitting on his legs.
Sesshomaru jumped off the bed and faced the speaker. "Inu-Yasha will never give up Tetsusaiga," he informed Ryukossei. "You're on your own, Vicious Dragon."
"Nonsense!" Ryukossei stalked over to Inu-Yasha's bedside, dragging Kagura with him. "I'll just take My Lovely, and then you can watch me slice your girlfriends throat!" he gloated as he turned away from the hospital bed and faced Sesshomaru. "Good thing you're so close to medical aid, hey? It'll save time when they have to do a transfusion on her – grrrk!"
Ryukossei pitched forward to the floor, releasing Kagura as he fell. Blood began gurgling from his back and spreading out on the floor around him. "How…what? He's been stabbed?" Kagura asked. The others looked as confused as she was.
"Bastard."
At the sound of Inu-Yasha's voice, they turned in unison and looked at the bed. Inu-Yasha was lying halfway over the edge, holding the Tetsusaiga upwards. Blood dripped from the rusted blade. His arm was shaking with the effort of keeping the sword raised.
"Trouble with…hospitals," Inu-Yasha said weakly. "You never get…any damn…rest." His arm dropped and the Tetsusaiga clattered to the floor.
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A/N: That's all folks! All except for the epilogue, that is. Stay tuned and find out the answers to the really important questions, such as:
Does Vicious Dragon/Ryukossei survive?
What happens to the girls, now that they're unemployed?
And perhaps, the most important question:
Who wins the Greater Honolulu 'Man I Feel Like a Woman' pageant, along with its coveted prize, The Golden Wonderbra?
(Additional Disclaimer: I don't own the Wonderbra trademark.)
