Chapter 4

"I can't believe how calm you are." I'm standing here a nervous wreck, while Neela is apparently taking it all in her stride.

"It's the only way to be." She smiles, and right now I would like nothing better to wipe the smile off her face. Jealous? Maybe… she's young, smart and is going to ace this test, while I'll be lucky to escape with a passing grade.

"You ready for this?" Lester walks up behind us. I nod trying to place a smile on my face. "Lets go then."

I follow him and Neela reluctantly into the exam room. Yesterday Carter had helped me study and last night I was feeling a lot less worried than I am right now. I find my allocated desk and before I know it the tutor has given out the papers and is telling us to begin.

Ok, this all right. I tell myself. The first question is relatively basic. I take quick glance over the rest of the paper and smile slightly. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

*

"How did it go?"

"Okay." I don't want to sound too optimistic.

"Okay?" I guess Susan wants more of a response than that.

"It went okay, I answered all the questions and had a pretty good idea of what they wanted."

"Well that's sounds good." Yeah, I guess it does. "And what about yesterday?"

I can just picture her smiling on the other side of the phone.

"Yesterday went fine to. He's a great teacher."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Geez Abby, it's like trying to get blood out of stone talking to you today."

"And nothing. He just helped me study." Apparently she's not going to be satisfied until she has every detail.

"So he didn't try and kiss you again?"

"No, he was the perfect Gentleman."

"And you're happy about this."

"Of course." I answered quickly, possibly a little too quickly, but lucky for me Susan didn't pick up on it.

"Well Carter seemed in good spirits, you must have done something to put him in this good of a mood."

"Really?" I'm surprised at the shock in my voice.

"Yeah, don't tell me you're not surprised."

"Well maybe just a little."

"So what exactly did you do all day?" I have to laugh at this; Susan lives off gossip and the juicier the better.

"All we did was study, take a break for lunch and then he went home. He didn't kiss me goodbye or even touch me by accident."

"So you're telling me you spent the whole day together and nothing happened."

"Yep." I smile at her apparent annoyance. I guess she was hoping for a little more. So I say with a slight annoyance in my own voice. "Susan, I don't know if you realise this or not, but a week ago we decided to start back as friends, two weeks ago we didn't know he was coming home, six months ago he broke up with me and 8 months ago he began on a spiral of self destruction. I'm not ready for anything to start up again and neither is he."

"I know. Abby I'm sorry. I do tend to get swept up in the moment don't I?" And she does sound sincere.

"Yep you do." She may be sorry, but I'm not letting her off the hook so easily.

"But down the line?" She says eagerly and at this point I swear she has more invested in this relationship than I do, well maybe not, but she does tend to voice it a lot more than I do.

"I'm not promising anything right now. The guy is still sorting out his stuff and so am I." I pause momentarily," I don't have time for a full time relationship. I'm having enough trouble balancing nursing and life as a med student."

"But you're open to suggestions?"

I don't understand why she keeps pushing this. Then the penny drops. "Have you been talking to Carter?"

"Maybe." Now she sounds somewhat sheepish.

"What has he said?" Now I'm actually annoyed, he doesn't have the right and nor does she to talk about my feelings behind my back. I'm currently ignoring the small niggling voice in the back of my head, the one that tells me that they are my friends and are only concerned about me.

"He just wants to know how things have been while he was away." Susan's voice sounds slightly desperate, trying to dig herself out of the small hole she's created.

"So he's been checking up on me."

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well I would." I can't believe his gall.

"I would call it concern."

"Like he has the right." I mutter, though loud enough that she hears.

"He still cares about you Abby."

"Right." I scoff. "If he cares so damn much, why did it take him six months to come home."

That shuts her up, but only briefly.

"Abby he screwed up. Most of us do that from time to time. And I thought you'd decided to try and get past it."

"We did." I admit reluctantly.

"So what's the problem?"

"I guess there isn't one." I bite off bitterly. And I don't really want to carry on with this conversation. "Susan, I have to go."

"Abby?" Say asks apprehensively.

"Yeah."

"You are okay, aren't you?"

"I'm fine. Look Susan, I'm tired, hungry and I just want to eat and collapse on my bed."

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I just thought you two had gotten over it."

"I know and I'm getting there. It just… it hurts." I whisper the latter, but I know she hears me. "I know I'm not innocent in all of this, but I can't help feeling this way. Part of me just wants to forget everything that happened and have us back the way we were, but the other part keeps telling me he broke my heart and I shouldn't get to close."

"Abby, I'm sorry." I know she's grasping for the right words to sooth me, but there's not much she could say.

"Me too. But we're working on it. And part of me is happy that he's concerned, but it boils down to trust and timing. We just have to get it right."

"And I'm sure you will." Her voice is full of optimism.

"Yeah," I lose myself in my own world for a moment and barely acknowledge Susan's goodbye, before I put down the receiver myself.

I potter slowly round the kitchen, I figured my best bet is to make a sandwich, grab a bag of crisps, and eat it curled up in front of the tele. There's got to be something on that I can lose myself in for half an hour.

*

I don't think I've laughed so hard in months. I'd forgotten how funny Will and Grace is, normally repeats bug me, but tonight it was a relief. The only other options were some documentary of life in a hospital – which I could really do without - and some old sitcom with past it actors and unfunny lines. I'm half way through the second part when someone knocks on the door I almost jump out of my seat. It's probably the old lady from next door, coming to complain about the loud noise coming from the television.

Reluctantly I turn the sound down and the knocking comes again. I guess patience isn't a virtue they have.

"Oh." Well this isn't who I was expecting, "Carter? What are you doing here?"

"What? No how are you? It's great to see you and by the way thanks for all your help yesterday." He's grinning as he says this. "You going to let me or should I stand here all night?"

"Oh right yeah, come in." I watch him move across the room, pausing in front of the bookcase. I read his expression, confusion and then joy. He picks up the picture frame and shows it to me with a smile on his face. "Where did you get this?"

"Frank found an old camera at thanksgiving and that photo was on it."

"We look great on it."

I nod, the picture is one of those action ones where every ones doing something and in the centre there's Carter and I laughing. He's gently touching my arm and is probably one of the rare occasions when I actually smiled that Christmas.

The look on his face tells me he's confused that I have it up, but my reasons can wait for another day. He doesn't need to know that that's one of the few photos of us that I can actually look at without getting too saddened.

"You want to watch the end of Will and Grace?" I motion for him to follow me to sit down and I turn the volume up. Ignoring his look of annoyance, my house, my TV therefore I get to choose. Besides half an hour ago I was mad with him, not that he knows it, but this is my silent form of protest.

Out of the corner I can see him debating where to sit, but in the end he chooses the space next to me.

I try to settle back into the programme but it's proving difficult having him so close. He on the other hand, despite his misgivings of my choice, seems to be enjoying it

"And who's he."

"Sean Hayes." I say dismissively.

"Didn't they just call him Jack?"

"Um yeah, but I thought, no… never mind."

*

I think I've got him hooked. Turns out it's a Will and Grace marathon evening. And after the initial who's who, who's dating who and what's the whole deal with the Will and Grace relationship, Carter finally settled down to watch it. Leaving me to my thoughts.

During the third episode, I move to get us some drinks and turn down the lights. Who needs conversation when there's entertainment right there at a push of a button.

The thing is, his question about the whole Will and Grace saga has got me thinking. They were friends, then lovers then they split up and are now just best friends. I glance quickly over at Carter, who's chuckling to himself, and realise that's where we're heading. So why do I feel slightly dejected by this. Obviously I do realise that Will is gay and Carter most definitely isn't, but it's the same, right? We tried the friendship routine and for the most part it worked, yet as lovers we couldn't get it right. I sigh quietly to myself.

"You okay?"

"Just tired." Which is true, I wasn't lying to Susan earlier. I'm physically exhausted and on the path to being emotionally drained.

"Come here then." He says softly and motions for me to snuggle into his chest, his arm wraps round me pulling me closer. I want to resist I should just tell him to leave or at least curl up on the other side of the sofa, but this is so much easier and feels right.

*

"Abby," I hear him first and then feel a light touch on my forehead. I just don't have the energy to move or reply.

"Abby?" He tries to get my attention again, saying my name a little louder. I turn my head into the cushion, that's appeared under my head, trying to block out his voice. "Okay have it your way." He finally relents.

Then suddenly I'm in his arms, as he's carrying me to, what I assume is, the bedroom.

He gently places me on the bed and arranges it so I'm under the covers. Then I feel him kiss me softly on the lips before whispering goodnight.

Authors note: Merry Christmas guys! I'm off to sun myself in Spain for the holidays so no updates for a while. Take care and have a 'merry' New Year. I also hope the Will and Grace thing made sense, I know where I wanted it to go but I'm still not 100% sure I got it there.

I'd also like to thank everyone for their support with their reviews, the words of wisdom and praise were greatly appreciated.