Chapter 5

"Good morning!" I say cheerily as I literally breeze through the door.

Frank's on the front desk and gives me a 'your nuts' look so I smile sweetly in return. Turning round, I spy Pratt loitering round the new nurse and Susan is giving me another weird look.

"And what's so cheery about it?" She asks.

"What's not to like? Coffee?"

"Sure." She follows me into the lounge; obviously eager to know why I'm in such good spirits.

"So, what's the deal?" She finally asks when we're settled at the table.

"What deal? Can't a girl be happy?"

"Well yeah, but not this happy and definitely not before she's about to start a 12 hour shift."

I'll give her, her do's. No one should ever be happy about being here for 12 hours.

"Well?" She prods further as I neglect to answer her.

"What?" I say innocently. "The sun is shining, the grass is covered in a beautiful blanket of snow and there's not a cloud in the sky."

"Have you been taking happy pills?" She's looking at me like I've gone crazy.

"Okay." I finally relent and tell her most of the reasons for my good mood. "My exams are over and I may have done more than enough to get the passing grade I predicted. It's three days until Christmas and I'm not working that day. It's not actually snowing. I managed to find the perfect seat on the El and didn't get splashed walking to work. Plus Maggie and Eric are still on their meds, doing their own thing and won't even be bothering me this year."

"Well I guess those are as good as reasons as ever, but there's something you're not telling me."

I smile back at her. There are some secrets that are meant to stay that way, even from best friends, or at least until they become more promising.

"When do you get your results?"

"January 10th."

"Oh!" She exclaims as realises the connection. "Well great, double celebration."

"Susan, don't even think about it." I warn.

"Come on. It'll be fun." Then she adds when I don't reply. "Besides it was your idea."

Where'd she get that from? I laugh nervously, I know I've been tired recently but I'm sure I would remember arranging to go out for my birthday. So I say in my most intelligent tone. "Huh?"

"Don't you remember?" She shakes her head at me laughing, so she thinks my temporary memory loss is funny. "A few weeks ago, you told me we should take Elizabeth out. So technically we would be killing three birds with one stone."

"Yeah, technically." I say slightly relenting, though I'm shaking my head 'no' at her suggestion.

The door to the lounge opens, and I smile briefly before turning my attention back to Susan.

"Good morning ladies."

"Ladies huh?" Susan asks, her eyebrows lifting in amusement. Now she's winking at me, like she's suddenly put two and two together and come up with 58. Just because both Carter and I come in, in good moods doesn't mean a thing.

Turns out the 'Will and Grace' saga isn't as bad as it seems. You get all the benefits without the complications of 'being together'. We still haven't connected properly yet, I know there's something he's not telling me and there are a few things that I'm not ready to explain either, but we're getting there slowly. And I couldn't be happier.

"What are you doing for Christmas?" Susan directs this question at Carter. He looks at me first and I shake my head discreetly. Susan doesn't need to know everything.

"The family thing, trying to make sure the day runs peacefully." He answers vaguely. I silently thank him and hope that Susan doesn't catch the glances between the two of us.

"And you're spending the day sleeping. Well isn't that just great!" She says in a self-pitying voice, "So I'm stuck working Christmas all alone."

"Pratt and Chen will be here, so that should make things fun." I mimic the words she said to me a month ago.

"Oh yeah. Tons!" She sticks her tongue out at me and then does a double take when she looks at the clock. "Well I guess it's back to the grind. See you out there soon."

She smiles as she walks back out into the ER jungle. Leaving Carter and I alone. Once he's put his stuff away he comes and joins me at the table, we still have a few minutes before our shift begins.

"So…" He drags out the word and smiles. "You're playing nurse today huh?"

"Yeah, my bank balance feels it's necessary."

We sit in a comfortable silence, until Carter breaks it. Laughing as he talks. "You told Susan you were sleeping all day."

"Yeah lousy lie, huh? But she seemed to buy it. Guess she's been polite just recently, when she's told me I don't look shattered."

"You never looked shattered." I raise my eyebrow up at him inquisitively; I want to know where he's taking this. "You just looked, you looked…."

I guess he can't find a polite word to describe it, so I figure I should help him out. "Weary, tired, exhausted, worn-out, pooped?" I say the last word knowing it would bring a smile to his face. "Seriously Carter, I know I looked rough, hell if I hadn't you would have known something wasn't right."

"Okay fine you looked 'pooped'." He admits defeated. "Good film last night though."

He's referring to our return to childhood. We went to the late showing of 'Elf' he'd had a rough day at work. I'd just completed my last piece of coursework and complete escapism seemed the best way to celebrate.

"I felt like I was 15 again." I tell him, "one year I sneaked Eric out of the house and took him to go see the Santa Claus, you know the one with Dudley Moore in it."

"Yeah I know the one."

"You went to see it?" I ask incredibly.

"Yes," he laughs. "It was a good movie."

"It was a cheesy movie." I bite back.

"Cheese can be good." He argues light-heartedly.

"Yeah." I give him a look of mock disbelief.

"What? It can." This guy is so cute when he gets all defensive. I have to reprimand myself for thinking such thoughts, telling myself that John Carter is just a friend. You've moved on with your life and so has he. So why is it getting increasingly harder to convince myself?

"Come on." I take his hand pulling him to his feet. "We've got work to do."

"Meet me for lunch?" He asks optimistically.

"Sure. Then you can try and convince me more on your theory that 'cheese can be good'."

*

"Ready?" Carter asks. I'm sat aimlessly playing FreeCell while he finishes up with his patient. Looking up at him I nod and reach over to pick up my bag and coat. "Great, I'll just grab my coat and we can leave."

"So." Chuny looks at me expectantly.

"So?" I reply, feigning complete innocence in her unsubtle prying.

"You and Carter?"

"Me and Carter?" I furrow my eyebrows, trying to suggest complete ignorance as to what she's implying.

"What's going on with you two?"

"Nothing." I see him approach and when he gets into earshot I say. "Carter's just treating me to lunch."

I smirk up at him.

"Oh, I am, am I?" His eyes twinkle down at me.

"It was in the fine print." I turn back and grin at Chuny and then take his arm guiding him out of the building; if we don't leave now we'll get dragged into the next trauma.

*

"You know we've got people gossiping?" I tell him once we're sat down.

"You mean the all seeing all knowing NGS?"

"The what?"

"NGS. You know." Nope I don't, I shake my head at him laughing. "Nurse Gossip Squad."

"Right." I humour him. "The NGS." I know my sarcasm isn't lost on him.

He ignores me. "So what exactly have they been snooping for?"

"Oh, you know. The ongoing 'are they aren't they, will they wont they' saga." I say nonchalantly. "Which is kinda dumb. We've been there; we screwed it up, damaging our friendship along the way. But I guess they don't realise that we don't want to go down that route again. Right?"

He slowly nods his head in agreement, but I'm finding it difficult to read that look in his eyes. It almost looks regretful and pained, but it's gone before I can analyse it further.

Before I can stop myself I carry on justifying my words, his expression has left an unsettled feeling in my stomach. "I mean we hurt each. We…"

"Come on let's order." He interrupts me.

*

"Where's my ray of sunshine gone?" Susan asks, interrupting my rampant thoughts.

I've been sat in one of the empty exam rooms for the last few hours, under the disguise of working on some charts; I just haven't been able to concentrate.

"The ER vortex has finally cracked me." I force a smile, the last thing I need is Susan worrying about me. I know that if she knew what has been going through my head over these last few weeks, and even more so over the last few hours, the questions would be flying.

"Uh huh." She shakes her head at me; guess I need to improve my ability to lie. "Come on Abby, you can't pull the wool over my eyes."

I watch as she sits on the gurney in front of me, talking as she moves. "So you're telling me that even though both you and Carter were walking on cloud nine this morning and then you both come back from lunch looking miserable as sin that both your moods are a result of the ER vortex cracking you."

"I guess." I reply without much conviction and completely avoiding her eyes.

I feel her hand rest softly, comforting, on my shoulder. "You know you can talk to me, right?"

I nod slowly, forcing my head up to meets her eyes, and then I say softly. "We were supposed to be working through it"

"So what happened?"

"Things keep getting in our way… our past… what happened."

"But you can't work through things if you ignore everything that has happened."

"That's the point. I said some things that I probably should have left locked up…"

"This way he knows where you stand."

I pause momentarily, not sure if I want to admit this, not sure if it would help. There's only one way to find out. "But that's the whole point. I don't know where we stand."

The look she gives me is one of confusion. So I explain my whole Will and Grace theory, which initially she finds rather amusing, but she soon senses my own feelings. So I continue telling her everything, how confused I am, the feelings that I had hoped were gone, but are literally waiting on the sidelines for me to crack and admit the truth."

"What is the truth?"

"That I haven't stopped caring for him." I can't say love, not yet – even when we together I was never able to fully let myself believe this.

"You should tell him then."

"Right." I laugh nervously. Me, Abby Lockhart, actually putting myself on the line, that's a joke right? I may have changed, grown as a person, but I'm not ready for that yet. Since Carter left I've finally managed to put my life back on track, granted it's more of a career track than an emotionally one, but who needs the comfort of a relationship. Not me. Then before I can stop myself I utter, "I'm scared."

"What of?" It's too late to dig myself out of this hole and who knows maybe talking will get it out of my system.

"That history will repeat it self." I say almost dejectedly.

"Well don't let it."

"So what happens next time Eric goes off his meds and interrupts us, or if Carter decides that actually Africa is where he belongs and coming back was a mistake. What do I do then?" I look her in the eyes, almost daring her to respond, pleading with her to tell me what the answers are.

"You talk to him."

"And what if he doesn't want to?"

"Then you confront him and make him deal with it."

"I don't know if I can."

"Abby you're stronger than this. Hell you're stronger he is and I know that if this is what you want then nothing, not work, not timing. No-one will get in your way."

"And what if he doesn't want me anymore?"

"Are you completely blind?"

Yeah I guess I must be.

"The guy has literally followed you around for the last few weeks. He's helped you through your exams and I know you two are spending Christmas together." She smiles at this last part; I guess I really don't make a good liar.

"Well I'm not sure if we will be now."

"What happened at lunch?"

"I jokingly said that the nurses have been gossiping about us and that they are way off base, as neither one of us wants to go through the hurt and pain that we caused each other. Then after that he changed the topic and barely said a word."

"Well doesn't that tell you something?"

"Yeah, it tells me I bruised his ego."

"Susan, your guy in exam 3 has crashed." Lydia briefly pokes her head in.

"Abby." Her tone is serious. "Think about it, think about what you want, how Carter has reacted. Remember I'm here if you need to talk."

I watch her leave the room, leaving me to my thoughts.

*

"Hey Carter." I smile at him as I walk towards my locker, glad to finally be going home. He nods a response. I guess he's still mad at me. "You catching the El back?" I ask trying to keep my voice level. His attitude is beginning to bug me. The same attitude that stopped him looking at me during the last two trauma cases.

"I've got the jeep." He replies, and I guess that is all he has to say to me. I put on my coat and wrap my scarf tightly around my neck.

"Well, see you later then?"

"Yeah." He barely looks my way.

Well fine two can play this game. I slam my locker shut and hastily put on my gloves as I walk out the door. I get halfway towards the exit when I spot Susan. I smile briefly at her and stop, she's right if Carter and I are going to get anywhere we need to communicate.

Turning on my heel I burst back into the lounge, where Carter is staring at me. His whole body looks completely defeated and my heart momentarily goes out to him.

"I er… I er…" I stumble over what I want to say. "I just wanted to check what you're bringing round on Thursday."

"You said dessert right?"

"Um yeah." A smile forces it's way to my lips, I'm relieved that he still wants to come round. So relived that I blurt out the next part, I should really look into that whole thinking before I speak thing. "So you're still coming?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asks, getting up from his chair at the table and moves towards me. My breath momentarily catching, as he gets closer.

"After lunch today." Communication I chant over to myself, we need communication. "I wasn't sure where we stood. Or what you wanted."

He reaches for my hand and slowly caresses it with his thumb. Goosebumps moving through my body, I'd forgotten how good his touch felt. Involuntarily I lean into him, only able to stop myself through sheer will.

Looking up I try to read his expression. I'm amazed at what I see.

Author's notes: Sorry it took so long to get this latest chapter out. Things to do, people to see etc. Hope you all enjoy and thank-you so much for the latest reviews of encouragement, they really do inspire authors to continue when they know their efforts are being appreciated. All criticism is greatly appreciated.