Same Old Story. . .With a Twist. (by shadow)
Disclaimer- same as last time, kiddies.
Chapter 3: The Yule Fricken Ball
Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger were eating gram crackers which they had burnt to a crisp over a scented Yankee Candle and cuddling in the "Head Common room" Convieniently there was a love seat, with a built in massage thingie, and even a jacuzzi and skimpy bathing suits incase they wanted to take a midnight dip.
All of a sudden Peeves zoomed into the common room wearing a shirt that said "ARMY HOCKEY" and holding a box of GRAPE AIRHEADS.
-Scene Ended-
Hermione was sitting at the Slytherin table with Draco acting like a badass. . . She had given all the Muggleborns in the school the middle finger, including herself, and started walking around Hogwarts in just a bra and panties. It turns out she had started a trend, when she saw Neville Longbottom sporting a pair of Tightie Whities this morning in Charms class.
Dumbeldore was supposed to make some big announcement today, maybe he was getting Circumsized. . .she hoped so.
Meanwhile at the allmighty Gryffindor Table of faggots, Fred was kissing George, and Dean Thomas was sniffing mustard sauces. Ron was currently admiring Hermione from afar and talking to Harry in a dreamy voice that made him sound like he had been smoking weed.
RON:
Our lives aren't the same without Hermione, you'll never be able to save the day again, nor will I help you. We're as good as dead if we attempt anything this year.
HARRY:
True, she was always the brains behind the operation, all I had to do was look all tough and act like I did stuff. . .everybody knows im really a dumbass with a strange addiction to "THE REAL WORLD"
RON:
True, when is that on again?
HARRY:
Tonight at 8, shall we meet in the sheiking shack?
RON:
Most certainly. . . oh no!!! *becomes teary eyed* Hermione is kissing Draco and giving him a massage! Kill me now Harry.
HARRY:
*holds up a butter knife to Ron's neck and gives him a menacing glare*
RON:
*screams like a girl*
HARRY & RON:
*Cease embarassing knife scenario*
RON:
Well if its any consolation, it got Hermione to look over at me. . .i think we should add more angst to this story. . . Harry, I think you should like Hermione too and try and ruin my chances, what do you say old buddy old pal?
HARRY:
Sure, why not. Hey Hermione, get over here, Bitch.
HERMIONE:
*walks over like a badass, smoking a Marbolo light cigaragette and holding a JC Pennies kids catalog* What now, Potter? *spits. . . like a man!*
HARRY:
I think I'm in love with you. . . .*gets down on bended knee* Will you please be my fuck-buddy?
HERMIONE:
Sure *smiles brightly* Just don't tell Malfoy, speaking of him, I thought malfoy saw to it that you were hospitalized?
HARRY:
Well uh. . . you know, this shit aint realistic, home slice.
HERMIONE:
How about we go somewhere a little more private. . . like the streets of Hogsmeade in broad daylight?
HARRY:
Sure, Bye Ron *waves goodbye to Ron*
RON:
No, Hermione! Don't! He only wants you for free sex.
HERMIONE:
Duh. Now come on Harry.
(As all this is going on the whole cafeteria is watching and listening including a very amused and slightly perverted Albus Dumbledore and his faculty.)
RON:
*cries*
DRACO:
Its okay, Weasley. I understand she left me too. . . Here have a hankie. . . I used it already.
RON:
*takes used hankie and blows his snout (nose)* Thank you for being so understanding, sworn enemy of whom I detest and hate. But don't worry, she's in love with you, I am just a poor forgotten sidekick, who might overdose on the birth control pill sometime before next Tuesday.
DRACO:
Do ya wanna be my best friend, cowboy?
RON:
Yehaww, hey, lets go play some wizarding chess. . .i'll race you! *runs like a school girl after draco.*
AUTHOR:
Ah! The beginning of an uncharictaristic yet bittersweet friendship.
DUMBLEDORE:
GET BACK here, MR.Malfoy, Mr.Weasley! *they don't listen to him* Well anyway, to those who are still remaining – we are going to have another Yule Ball. *pauses* Right, okay seeing that this should take place in the 2nd year, and J.K. Rowling didn't write about the Yule Ball yet, you have no idea what I'm talking about. However, you will have one every year. . .just to allow couples to mingle. I find it is a extremely convienient plot device.
MCGONAGALL:
What is the dress code, Albus? *does a little jig*
DUMBLEDORE:
I believe this year everybody must sport fuzzy peach bathrobes.
ALL:
*blank stare*
ALL:
*blank stare
ALL:
*blank stare
READER(s):
WE GET IT, DAMNIT!
DUMBLEDORE:
Don't worry about the minor details, you'll figure them out eventually. This Yule Ball will be held. . . . . um. . .tomorrow, and everybody must have a date. Incest and Animals are allowed.
MCGONAGALL:
*Does another little jig* Right thurrr, right thurrr.
~*~ HOGSMEADE~*~
It was a bright and sunny day in Hogsmeade, although this may previously contridict a scene from before. However Harry and Hermione were prancing around talking about foot fetishes and reflecting upon the Muggle movie "Mr.Deeds" in which they both had been so blessed as to veiw over the summer. The streets were busy, just as they had hoped and Zonko's was having an amazing clearance sale on Dutch Speaking Belly Button lint. Hermione dragged Harry into the store to purchase dozens of it. She had malicious plans to clog the school toilets with it.. . .or just use it for INTERIOR DESIGN.
HARRY:
Hermione, I can't get enough of you. . .you are an amazing woman.
HERMIONE:
Oh, you too Harry!
HARRY:
Let us make furious and heated love on a crowded and insect infested cobblestone surface
HARRY & HERMIONE:
*do just that*
HARRY:
You know, there is a yule ball tomorrow. . . I wasn't there when Dumbledore announced it, I just know this. . .i think Voldemort transferred that power to me when I was just a baby. . .its a gift of love.
HERMIONE:
OH Harry! My love for you is like diarreah, I just can't hold it in! Go to the
Yuleball with me, please?
HARRY:
Alright. That sounds like a plan!!! Hey, lets go buy myself a new dress to show off for Snape, okay?
They go off to the clothing store, hand in hand –smiling like idiots.
-*- LATER THAT NIGHT. . .OR WHENEVER-*-
Draco is swimming in the hottub nude singing a song from "The Princess Diaries" pretending that his is Julie Andrews. He doesn't hear Hermione walk into the door, plasltered with hickies and poision ivy (Harry had a brilliant idea that lovemaking in the midst of a poison ivy bush would be highly erotic.) Hermione does not expect to see Draco nude (although she has before) or singing The Princess Diaries theme, imitating a muggle actress.
HERMIONE:
Oye! What the bloody hell are you doing. . . .
DRACO:
Oye! Whothe bloody hell were you doing?
HERMIONE:
*said overly sweetly* May I join you, pumpkin kisses?
DRACO:
Why yes (insert annoying pet name, such as Snuggle Lizard)
HERMIONE:
I think this fic is too unrealistic, I mean, aren't we supposed to hate each other?
DRACO:
Yes, we should change this a bit. . .maybe the readers won't notice. *pause* I FUCKIN HATE YOU MUDBLOOD, I HOPE YOU MEET A GRUESOME DEMISE IN A HEAD ON COLLISON WITH A PMSing HIPPOPOTOMUS AND DIE IN A 3 FOOT POOL OF YOUR OWN BLOOD AND SALIVA!
HERMIONE:
Oh, okay Malfoy, is that the best you can do you filthy bug-eaten slime. I HATE YOU TOO, DAMNIT, YOU ARROGANT EXCUSE FOR SCUM ON THIS EARTH. I HOPE YOU GET KICKED IN THE NUTS BY SIMON COWELL UNTIL YOU FALL OVER OF A STEEP CLIFF, GROW A TAIL AND THEN DIE IN PAIN.
DRACO:
*Drawls* You're family is a disgrace to the wizarding name! I am going to put on a spooky halloween mask and herd them like cattle onto a prarie and set murderous pilgrims to skin them alive.
HERMIONE:
*Cries* Why must you hurt me so, Malfoy? Don't you know *sob sob* my parents are already deceased.
DRACO:
*laughs*
HERMIONE:
*doesn't laugh*
DRACO:
So um. . .you wanna go with me to the Yule Ball?
HERMIONE:
*smiles forgetting about Harry* Sure.
DRACO:
Sorry about your mum and dad.
HERMIONE AND DRACO:
*make up sex*
-LIBRARY-
Ron has been stalking Hermione. Hermione had made her way to the library, Ron following shortly. Hermione was still not appropriately clothed, and sadly to report, niether was Neville.
RON:
Um . . .hi, Mione.
HERMIONE:
Hi, Ron.
RON:
Uh, did you have cambells soup today?
HERMIONE:
No, whats cambells soup? And why?
RON:
Because your lookin UMMMM UMMM GOOD!
HERMIONE:
*blush blush your embarassing me you faggot blush blush*
RON:
U wanna go to the yule ball with me, Suga?
HERMIONE:
Yes, I'd love to.
Yea, Hermione seems to forget that she has said yes to everybody that asked her out! That WHORE!
-CHARMS CLASS-
Hermione Is Neville's lab partner. . .today they are sporting almost identical pairs of panties both said "MUDD GIRLS" on the back.
NEVILLE:
Uh. . .hi Hermione, do you like my underwear? *stutter*
HERMIONE:
Yes
NEVILLE:
Would you like to go to the ball with me?
HERMIONE:
Yes.
-SLYTHERIN DUNGEONS-
Hermione encounters Goyle, who was reading a "weight watchers" pamphlet.
HERMIONE:
Hi Goyle
GOYLE:
Uh. . .
HERMIONE:
Awe, how sweet. You wanna go to the ball with me?
GOYLE:
Uh. . .
HERMIONE:
C-ya there!
Then Snape appears
SNAPE:
Hermione I'd like a word with you
HERMIONE:
Ok
SNAPE:
Lets go to the Yule ball together.
HERMIONE:
Ok.
The cylce repeats until all the male students and some faculty in Hogwarts have sucessfully asked Hermione to go with them to the Prom. Even some of the female students like Ginny and Hannah Abbot has asked and gotten a date. Somehow none of them knew that she had agreed to go out with all of these people.
-YULE BALL DAY-
All the students were getting dressed in their fuzzy peach bathrobes and fixing their hair for the big Yule Ball tonight. Even though Yule Balls were technically for 4th years and up. . .it didn't matter b/c this fic is already screwed up enough. All the students lined up in the hallway, and marched to the great hall singing "THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN", then after they finished that song they sung "THE ANTS GO MARCHING" (one by one, HORRAH HORRAH) yeah that song.
When they got to the Yuleball, all the guys went looking for their date. . . Hermione. Each getting mad at her for making dates with the whole male population. That's when all hell broke out and they started chasing her with hunting rifles. She ran outside in her fuzzy bathrobe. . . she stumbled and fell into the comforting arms of Draco Malfoy. . .who somehow managed to apparate himself away from the mobbing crowd. They fly away for a short trip on a magic carpet.
DRACO & HERMIONE:
*sing in a melodic harmony* A WHOLLLLE NEW WORLD. . .a new enchanting point of view. . .no one to tell us no, or where to go. . .or say we're only dreaming. A WHOLLLE NEW WORLD, don't you dare close your eyes. . . .
*SCENE FADES*
