Rosie Cotton's Advice Column

Disclaimer: if you've got this far thinking they're mine, I suggest you go back to previous chapters and read the disclaimers there. Oh and one line belongs to Monty Python.

A/N: I admit it. I couldn't resist putting in a line from Monty Python. Virtual chocolate to the first one to spot it and name the film or sketch it's from! Thanks to my kind reviewers, and as always, any suggestions for further letters are greatly welcome!!

A/N 2: sorry this has taken soooooooo long, but the computers at uni have been really awkward and haven't let me upload.





Faramir

Dear Rosie,

My life is falling apart. I have a suicidal father who is determined to end my life as well as his (something that, unsurprisingly, I do not wish to happen). And whilst I am currently unconscious (so don't ask me how you've got this letter; perhaps we're telepathic). Although, my life is technically forfeit anyway, for releasing two prisoners, especially as I am fully aware of my father's laws. And those wretched Nazgûl are ruining my expedition and causing me to waste precious arrows on them! Never mind that I recently lost my brother, who was slain by Orcs or Uruk-hai. I'm desperate for help!!

- F (Gondor)



Dear F,

Oh dear. You are in a pretty pickle, aren't you? Get your father to contact the Samaritans (see Contacts box for the number) and they will talk him out of ending his life – and yours. If you released the prisoners and had a valid reason for doing so, don't panic. I'm sure your father will understand.

Alternatively, you could simply not tell him what you've done. After all, what he doesn't know won't hurt him!

As for your brother's death, I am deeply sorry to hear of it. The grief will ease in time. Orcs are a horrid nuisance, aren't they? I cannot help with the Nazgûl – although I am sure that if you ignore them, they will ignore you. They will get bored and look for new victims elsewhere, in time.

Alternatively, you could try to kill them and then they won't bother you again.

Love, Rosie



Éowyn

Dear Rosie,

I have fallen in love with a man. He is handsome, brave, intelligent, heroic, funny ... I could go on for a long time on the subject of his merits. But alas! He claims to be in love with another, and wears her jewel around his neck at all times - yet she is an Elf, and will surely sail into the West, abandoning him forever. How on Middle-Earth can I get him to fall for me?

- É (Rohan)



Dear É,

I am sorry to hear of your dreadful predicament. It is certainly an awkward one - yet there is little I can do to help, as this man clearly has eyes only for the Elf and not you, if he wears her jewel around his neck. I am afraid that you will simply have to get over your crush. Look elsewhere, for men who are not taken, and waste no more time pining over one who is taken.

Alternatively, you could brew a love potion and slip it into his drink (see Issue 2 of Middle Earth Monthly for love potions).

Love, Rosie

******************************************************

Frodo Baggins (with Samwise Gamgee)

Dear Rosie,

We have set out on a hopeless mission to destroy something evil, many hundreds of miles away from home, in Mordor of all places. Yet our group has lost two, and we fear for the others, as we separated from them some time ago. We have been pursued by Black Riders, Orcs, Nazgûl, evil Men, Uruk-hai – to name but a few. What is next? A giant spider? Everything that can go wrong is going wrong, it seems. And our food and water supplies are becoming dangerously low. We fear also that our guide may betray us. Is there no hope? Is this the end?

- FB and SG (of The Shire)



Dear FB and SG,

Don't give up yet! You still have a task to finish, and folk of The Shire do not give up easily! Hopefully your guide can find fresh water and food for you - although I advise you to be nice to your guide, as you will be more likely to receive better-quality food (highly important to us Shire-folk). As for your group, there is nothing that you can do personally except hope that they are safe and well somewhere. Have faith in yourselves that you can complete this task. I'm sure the time will pass extremely quickly once you start relaxing and stop being so pessimistic! Always look on the bright side of life (as they say).

Alternatively, you could simply go home or give yourselves up to the Orcs.

Love, Rosie





TBC