-TWO-
Xander laid in the cell bunk thinking, formulating a plan, some form action in escaping the mother of all cornholing from Barny Fife and the rest of the Mayberry gang. He twisted and turned, rubbed the sides of his head, dreaded the return of the sheriff and his deputy. Then he began panicking... Xander's way.
"How the hell... why the hell... sweet God protect my virgin ass from these redneck whack jobs. God where is a Slayer when you need her. She'd teach these sick bastards a thing or two about ass raping... wait... that didn't sound right at all. If only I had a hand phaser..."
"It's time boy!" Fife interrupted while bursting through the door of the Fiferville Police Station followed by Deputy Pyle who in turn is being followed by a greasy man in mechanic clothes with the name Zed etched on the name tag. Xander sat up in his bed, scooted around, and stood up. He then ran to the jail entrance and wrapped his fingers around the bars.
"Well let's see what we got here," Zed cracked as he pulled out a chair and then sat down in it backwards. He gave a long stare at Xander and said, "Hey, we got ourselves a nice one here. You know what I think, Sheriff Fife?"
"What's that Zed?"
"I think we ought ta nip this situation in the bud."
"Nip it in the bud, Zed?"
(In Zed's best Barny Fife voice) "Just nip it in the bud, Barney, nip it in the bud."
"Heh, and how should we do that, Zed?"
Zed tilted his head to one side, smirked, and said, "Bring out the gimp."
Fife nodded his head toward Pyle and Pyle exited the room. Xander clinched his teeth and the grip on the cell bars tightened. He knew what was going to come next, but he was sure didn't want it.
"A gimp? We don't need a gimp. Gimps just get in the way... they are so leathery and slippery... can't we just leave the gimp out of this?" Xander said trying to stall what was coming.
"Well, that would mean more for us, but my mommy always told me to share," Zed responded, then smiled wide. "And it just wouldn't be right unless we fed the dog."
Xander returned with a smile, though just a sarcastic one. "Great... great... that's just what I needed to hear."
Xander returned to bed and sat on its edge. He laid his face in his hands. "How much more can of this can I take? I'm stuck some where between Andy Griffith and Pulp Fiction, and I don't know why, and I don't know how to get out of here, and its all just like a bad dream... I mean I'm sitting here staring at the faces of Zed and Barney Fife who are about to expand the circumference of my anus exponentially and it seems all surreal because you guys are fictional characters! Buuuuttt... you may not be fictional characters because I have recently witnessed Godzilla and other Toho monsters battle the forces of evil by my side, not to mention cenobites and Tara coming back as the Crow. I... I... I... I just can't figure out the difference between fantasy and reality, fact and fiction, a dream or not a dream... If fictional characters do exist, why can't I hook up with Seven of Nine or Ultimate Mary Jane Watson for crying out loud... why demons, monsters, or the perfect small town personified as evil. Why damn it, why?"
The jail cell door swings up and Zed is standing there holding a pump shotgun.
"I don't know boy, but its time."
Xander uncovered his eyes and noticed that Pyle has returned holding a chain that leads to the collar of a leather bound gimp complete with the leather mask with a zipper skirt mouth. Pyle is wearing nothing but a black thong and a smile topped off with his police hat. Xander's face turns to disgust.
"GOOD LORD!"
"Oh, son, Jesus is no where to be find around these parts," Zed said as he pumped the shotgun. "Now, get your ripe juicy ass out here and drop your drawers."
Xander turned to Zed and threw up his right hand then extended his index finger, "Listen you sick freak... I'd rather die before you tap my ass, so you might as well get to shootin' me with that shotgun, buster."
Zed places the cold blue steel muzzle to Xander's head, "Dead or alive, ass is ass."
"Ok, the first thing I would like to say is: Ewwww. And the second thing: If Ving Rhames can come away from an ass raping looking like a bad ass, so can I," Xander said, pushing away the shotgun from his head.
"Good choice, I don't feel like fucking another cold ass tonight," Zed agreed.
"Again... ewwwww!"
"Get the fuck up, boy."
"You know, this boy has a name. It's Xander. If you are going to deflower my sphincter, I think you should at least know my name," he said standing up and making his way out of the cell.
"With a name like that, I'd rather just call ya boy," Zed insulted as he followed.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Xander walked to the center of the room, Zed following with the shotgun. They met up with Barney, Gomer, and the Gimp, all which were licking their lips profusely as Xander approached them.
"I'm glad someone appreciates my body," Xander commented.
"Well, when you usually get drunks like Otis in here all the time, its good ta get some clean young meat in here once and a while," Fife replied. "Now off with ya pants."
"Speaking of Otis, can I please get a drink before, ya know, get to the butt loving?" Xander politely asked. "I mean... I really don't want to be sober when that happens."
"You're lucky we are keeping you alive, so stop complaining. Besides we love to hear the screaming," Fife explained.
"I thought you killed Andy for these reasons. I thought you hated the way he ran things. I thought you hated the way he treated Opie. But no, here you are doing the same."
"I did hate the way Andy was running things. I did hate the way he treated Opie. That's because it wasn't me enjoying the spoils of a king. He was taking all the fun for himself. Like Zed said earlier, we were always taught to share our fun, like I am now... Now get naked, boy."
"Wouldn't you rather share Aunt Bee or something?"
"And who do you think is the Gimp?"
"Shit."
"Now are you going to get naked now or does Zed get to use that new Remington over there?"
Xander began to sweat, his eyes begin to twitch, and his body began to go numb. He placed his hands on his belt buckle and began undressing his lower body.
"Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts," he chanted as his jeans hit the floor.
Xander laid in the cell bunk thinking, formulating a plan, some form action in escaping the mother of all cornholing from Barny Fife and the rest of the Mayberry gang. He twisted and turned, rubbed the sides of his head, dreaded the return of the sheriff and his deputy. Then he began panicking... Xander's way.
"How the hell... why the hell... sweet God protect my virgin ass from these redneck whack jobs. God where is a Slayer when you need her. She'd teach these sick bastards a thing or two about ass raping... wait... that didn't sound right at all. If only I had a hand phaser..."
"It's time boy!" Fife interrupted while bursting through the door of the Fiferville Police Station followed by Deputy Pyle who in turn is being followed by a greasy man in mechanic clothes with the name Zed etched on the name tag. Xander sat up in his bed, scooted around, and stood up. He then ran to the jail entrance and wrapped his fingers around the bars.
"Well let's see what we got here," Zed cracked as he pulled out a chair and then sat down in it backwards. He gave a long stare at Xander and said, "Hey, we got ourselves a nice one here. You know what I think, Sheriff Fife?"
"What's that Zed?"
"I think we ought ta nip this situation in the bud."
"Nip it in the bud, Zed?"
(In Zed's best Barny Fife voice) "Just nip it in the bud, Barney, nip it in the bud."
"Heh, and how should we do that, Zed?"
Zed tilted his head to one side, smirked, and said, "Bring out the gimp."
Fife nodded his head toward Pyle and Pyle exited the room. Xander clinched his teeth and the grip on the cell bars tightened. He knew what was going to come next, but he was sure didn't want it.
"A gimp? We don't need a gimp. Gimps just get in the way... they are so leathery and slippery... can't we just leave the gimp out of this?" Xander said trying to stall what was coming.
"Well, that would mean more for us, but my mommy always told me to share," Zed responded, then smiled wide. "And it just wouldn't be right unless we fed the dog."
Xander returned with a smile, though just a sarcastic one. "Great... great... that's just what I needed to hear."
Xander returned to bed and sat on its edge. He laid his face in his hands. "How much more can of this can I take? I'm stuck some where between Andy Griffith and Pulp Fiction, and I don't know why, and I don't know how to get out of here, and its all just like a bad dream... I mean I'm sitting here staring at the faces of Zed and Barney Fife who are about to expand the circumference of my anus exponentially and it seems all surreal because you guys are fictional characters! Buuuuttt... you may not be fictional characters because I have recently witnessed Godzilla and other Toho monsters battle the forces of evil by my side, not to mention cenobites and Tara coming back as the Crow. I... I... I... I just can't figure out the difference between fantasy and reality, fact and fiction, a dream or not a dream... If fictional characters do exist, why can't I hook up with Seven of Nine or Ultimate Mary Jane Watson for crying out loud... why demons, monsters, or the perfect small town personified as evil. Why damn it, why?"
The jail cell door swings up and Zed is standing there holding a pump shotgun.
"I don't know boy, but its time."
Xander uncovered his eyes and noticed that Pyle has returned holding a chain that leads to the collar of a leather bound gimp complete with the leather mask with a zipper skirt mouth. Pyle is wearing nothing but a black thong and a smile topped off with his police hat. Xander's face turns to disgust.
"GOOD LORD!"
"Oh, son, Jesus is no where to be find around these parts," Zed said as he pumped the shotgun. "Now, get your ripe juicy ass out here and drop your drawers."
Xander turned to Zed and threw up his right hand then extended his index finger, "Listen you sick freak... I'd rather die before you tap my ass, so you might as well get to shootin' me with that shotgun, buster."
Zed places the cold blue steel muzzle to Xander's head, "Dead or alive, ass is ass."
"Ok, the first thing I would like to say is: Ewwww. And the second thing: If Ving Rhames can come away from an ass raping looking like a bad ass, so can I," Xander said, pushing away the shotgun from his head.
"Good choice, I don't feel like fucking another cold ass tonight," Zed agreed.
"Again... ewwwww!"
"Get the fuck up, boy."
"You know, this boy has a name. It's Xander. If you are going to deflower my sphincter, I think you should at least know my name," he said standing up and making his way out of the cell.
"With a name like that, I'd rather just call ya boy," Zed insulted as he followed.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Xander walked to the center of the room, Zed following with the shotgun. They met up with Barney, Gomer, and the Gimp, all which were licking their lips profusely as Xander approached them.
"I'm glad someone appreciates my body," Xander commented.
"Well, when you usually get drunks like Otis in here all the time, its good ta get some clean young meat in here once and a while," Fife replied. "Now off with ya pants."
"Speaking of Otis, can I please get a drink before, ya know, get to the butt loving?" Xander politely asked. "I mean... I really don't want to be sober when that happens."
"You're lucky we are keeping you alive, so stop complaining. Besides we love to hear the screaming," Fife explained.
"I thought you killed Andy for these reasons. I thought you hated the way he ran things. I thought you hated the way he treated Opie. But no, here you are doing the same."
"I did hate the way Andy was running things. I did hate the way he treated Opie. That's because it wasn't me enjoying the spoils of a king. He was taking all the fun for himself. Like Zed said earlier, we were always taught to share our fun, like I am now... Now get naked, boy."
"Wouldn't you rather share Aunt Bee or something?"
"And who do you think is the Gimp?"
"Shit."
"Now are you going to get naked now or does Zed get to use that new Remington over there?"
Xander began to sweat, his eyes begin to twitch, and his body began to go numb. He placed his hands on his belt buckle and began undressing his lower body.
"Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts," he chanted as his jeans hit the floor.
