-THREE-

Fife gently pushed Xander near the sheriff's desk and bent him over. He felt Fife's cold scrawny fingers at his thighs slipping under the elastic in his boxers. He then felt Fife lay his body on top his. Xander closed his eyes, gnashed his teeth, and then all he could do is wait.
"Zed, get the horse radish, I'll need here in a minute," Fife muttered while he slowly peeled away Xander's boxers.
"Okay, why do you need horse radish... I second thought, I don't wanna know," Xander put in.
Fife almost had the boxers clean of the boy when he added in, "Zed, where the fuck is the horse radish? Zed?!"
Fife pulled Xander's shorts up and quickly spun around. His eyes bulged from his face and his jaw drooped. "What the holy God fucking damned is going on?"
On the floor laid a thong only Gomer Pyle laying in a pool of blood and a headless gimp laid beside him. Standing next to the dead bodies is Zed with a knife at his throat held by man dressed in a costume consisting of a black mask, kinda like Batman's without the ears; a black shirt and pants; army style boots; and a long black trench coat. The weird costumed character takes one look at Fife and then slits Zed's throat. Zed falls lifeless to the floor.
"Hey, what the hell is going? Fife, what the hell is going on?" Xander asked anxiously while squirming around, trying to pull his dignity and pants back up around his waist.
"What... what... what... who the hell are you?" Fife managed to get out.
"Who the hell is who? Who the hell is who?" Xander kept chanting as he finally buckling his belt and turned to see the horror that has presented itself in the police station at Fiferville. "Hoe... lee... shit."
"Answer me you prick! Who the hell are you?" Fife commanded with his temper flaring hire than the flames of hell.
The masked man kept his cool and remained silent still gripping the knife. The only thing he let Fife was a sly smile.
"God damn you, speak!" Fife yelled as he went for his holster containing his revolver.
The masked man quickly tossed the knife which penetrated Fife's gun hand. Fife wrapped his free hand around the spiked one and cried out in pain. Xander jumped back and stared in shock. The masked man leaped forward over the dead bodies towards Fife. He ripped the knife from Fife's hand and jammed it in his forehead. Fife fell to his knees and collapsed to the floor.
"Oh my God! Oh... My... God! Dude... I... I... don't know how or what to say, but... I mean... you killed those guys... and killing humans are usually a... uh... you know... a bad thing... I can't express my gratitude enough when I say," Xander babbled as he dropped to his knees and continued, "thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!"
"Hmmm, you're welcome. And since you're down there on your knees..." the masked man said.
Xander Harris had engouh. His gratitudal smile turned into a smug frown. He stood up face to face with the masked man and looked him straight in the eye.
"Oh, sweet fucking Christ. You know what, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I'm tired of this shit. I have Sheriff Skeletor trying to fuck me in the ass and Deputy Thong wanting to watch, the one crazy fuck I thought was trying to save me wants me to suck his cock. Well guess what Bat Bitch, I ain't having it. Either cut my head off or stab me in the heart because I am not sucking your dick. There. How's about that."
"I could force you to suck my dick."
"And I could forcefully bite it off."
"I could rip out your teeth first."
"Touché. Okay, how about this, I could gum your penis until it's bruised."
"Shut up kid, I'm just playing with you."
"Oh really. Well, excuse me if I mistook your joke as the intentional use of my mouth as a fuck hole."
The masked man chuckles and puts his hand on Xander's shoulder. Xander just kind of froze.
"Listen kid, why don't you take your car and get the hell out of here."
Xander just looked at him for a second. "You know, that's a good idea. Do you have any idea where they would keep my keys?"

The masked man points up at the adjacent wall where a key hanger is mounted on the wall. "Your car is parked behind the building," the man revealed.
Xander walked up to the key hanger, found his keys, smiled, and turned to the masked man. "Hey, um, thanks for the save. I really do appreciate it."
"No, problem," the man replied.
At that point, Xander titled his head to one side because he had a little moment of remembrance. Some startled him about the man's reply. "Hey, your voice sounds familiar. I know superheroes don't usually reveal their secret identities, but I'm going to ask anyway... who the hell are you?"
"Well, my identity isn't really a secret; I just wear the mask because it looks pretty neat, but, well, just take a look." The man lifted his hands to his mask and peeled back it back revealing a read comb over a bald head. The face was middle aged and freckled. The smile the man had been comforting. "Do I recognize like somebody you know?"
Xander smiled and nodded his head. He began walking towards the man extending his hand. "I knew it was you! I just knew it. I recognized that voice anywhere! Ron How... I mean, Opie, your Opie!"
"Who the fuck is Opie?" the man asked. "The name's Ritchie Cunningham."
Ritchie extended his arm in reply to Xander, but Xander suddenly stopped, his smile turned upside down and he began backing the fuck up.
"Excuse me if I have to rush out, but I have just got to get the fuck out of here... this, this is just getting to complicated." With those words, Xander turned and ran out of Fiferville police station and went straight for his car. The car started, he put it in gear and he headed for the county line continuing his journey for just a little peace, a peace that he has yet to find. The End.