Chapter four -- Arsarmwen
~*~

"...Anne, time to wake up..."

Anne moaned and groggily opened her eyes. Kate was standing over her, a concerned expression etched on her face. "Huh...? What?" Despite the headache, she stood and groped for support from the desk. "What happened?"

"You saw the readout and fainted," her partner replied lightly, bending down to sling her backpack over her shoulders. "C'mon, get up, we have to go kill her. You can have her, if you want."

"My pleasure." Anne growled under her breath. If there was one thing she hated more than Mary Sues, it was a Preppy Sue. "My word; that girl has perfect skin, perfect hair, a perfect voice, perfect clothes, and CRYSTAL LIP GLOSS! Elves don't HAVE bloody lip gloss! You see why I fainted?!"

Kate sighed. "Yeah, I read it, too. I actually had time, so I read through the entire story..." her left eye twitched, as it often did when she was either stressed or annoyed. "I'm only letting you have her because you hate Preps more than I do."

"Darn right, I do. Can I call her bad things?"

"As long as those 'bad things' don't include swear words."

"But her name is supposed to mean 'Bloody Hell' -- can't I, pleeease?"

"NO."

"...confound you. Confound and bother you." Anne quickly packed her equipment and headed for her remote activator. "Let's get her before a Freudian Slip catches up with me, shall we? What are we this time?"

"We could be Elves. It'd be a lot easier in the beginning, at least, since it's in..." Kate gave her a level stare. "...'Rivindale'."

Anne's eye twitched as well. "Oh, MY," she moaned, slipping into a British accent.

"I'm going to ignore the fact that you just did a rather good impression of Archibald Asparagus and ask you to open the portal."

"Done!" The door-like portal fizzed to life at her command. "And I say we should be orcs or Uruk-Hai -- something menacing like that!"

Kate grinned. "Let's be orcs. We can pick her off at one of the battles..." Anne cackled in response and led the way through the portal, half-dragging her partner behind.

~*~

Arsarmwen, second high daughter of Elrond, sang a lilting melody. Her beautiful voice reverberated across the courtyard inside of Rivindale like a birds sweet melody.

Anne's eye twitched. "Oy. RIVINDALE..." She pulled out her Canon Analysis Device and weakly waved it in the Sue's direction.

[Arsarmwen. Elf female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]

"I know." Kate shrugged. "But at least her vocabulary isn't tremendously horrible."

The melody was cut short when Arsarmwen sighed, staring out into the courtyard. "Father said some delegates are coming to talk to him about something." She stated to a small brown sparrow, which nodded in sympathy. "I wonder who he'll try to get my to Marry this time."

"Dang, what's with the sparrow? Cute Animal Friend?"

"Nope. Cute Animal Friend-Of-The-Chapter." Anne snickered at her own joke and focused back on the female elf in her room. They had climbed a nearby tree and were safely watching from a short distance; it was pure luck that they were still able to see and hear perfectly well without being seen. It was not every day a pair of orcs were seen lounging in trees in Rivendell.

Arsarmwen sighed again. Ever since she had come of age, if elfs could do that, her father had been trying to marry her off to various princes and politicians. "I don't want to marry." She stated, sighing once more.

"I don't want to ride in the cart!" Kate wailed a la Monty Python.

Anne stifled a laugh. "Oh, don't be such a baby," she replied, adding the quote with a grin. "But on a serious note, 'elfs' don't have politicians."

It wasn't that she thought herself ugly in any case, because she knew she wasn't. On contrary, she knew she was breathtakingly beautiful.

She had hip length long golden hair that tumbled down her back in golden waves. In certain lights, however, showed that her hair contained the lightest touch of red.

Her eyes were as green as springs newest leaves, and they always shined merrily. However, when she got angry, a gold corona surrounded her eyes.

She had a cute, heart shaped face that was covered with pale, almost translucent skin. She had a button nose that was perked to perfection. Her lips were cherry red and full, looking absolutely kissable.

Anne gripped her branch and closed her eyes tightly, muttering repeatedly that she wouldn't throw up. Kate raised an eyebrow and warily scooted a little farther away. "Darn two-sentence paragraphs. How can she have GREEN eyes with GOLD around the edge?!" Her partner finally growled. "I'm about to pull a liquid laugh all over her ego!"

Kate shrugged again. "I'd let you, but then she'd find us. Now hush, Elrond's coming in!"

A knock sounded. "Come in." Arsarmwen commanded wearily. Even when she wasn't happy, her voice was completely musical.

Anne gagged.

Her father slowly came in. "Arsarmwen, I want you to come to this very secret meeting. It's secret, so you can't tell you're friends."

Kate and Anne gagged in unison, but Kate managed to pull out her Character Analysis device and point it at Elrond.

[Elrond. Elf male. Non canon. Bit character.]

"It can't even tell that Elrond's a canonical character!" She exclaimed remorsefully. "She's SO gonna die."

"Tell me something I didn't already know. Noose, arrow, sword, or wand?"

Kate grinned evilly. "Whatsay a lovely death curse upon her lovely head...?"

"Though it's tempting, I might be thrown out for that," Anne commented loftily, fingering the wand that stuck ominously out of her backpack. "But maybe a flaming arrow would work... or dousing our swords with kero and setting them on fire to follow the flaming arrows..."

"Aaah, Anne the Pyro at work again. We'll figure that out later -- we're missing opprotunities to charge her! Elrond's already gone, anyway."

"GOOD."

Arsarmwen closed her window, then slid into her new dress. It was a dark forest green, and it made her eyes light up.

The dress shimmered in the light a dark gold color. It was slightly low cut, but not quite in the immodest way. It was edged with gold ribbon, and it complimented her slim shoulders, tiny waist, and big bust. The dress reached to the floor, and was of a floaty material. It was a beautiful dress, just as Arsarmwen was a beautiful elf.

"I thought she said the dress was green," Kate mused.

Anne shook her head. "How can you non-immodestly wear a low-cut dress with a 'big bust'? Doesn't seem right. And what is it with her and green things that turn gold, for goodness' sake? I'm outta here... you may stay if you wish, or we could read the words and build a charge list while we wait for the Council yet again."

Her partner cocked her head to the side. "They always like the Council. Huh... that was actually a very dull part of the book for me, personally."

"We could walk or we could portal. Your choice."

"Walking; we might see the Hobbits somewhere!"

"Should've known..."

~*~

As the two assassins sat near where the council was to be, Anne's deck of slightly-worn cards had been put to use in three games of Spit, five rounds of Rummy, and one ongoing game of Egyptian Rat Race. "Y'know, I hate the way this Sue is operating," Anne muttered as she lost a reasonably-sized pile to her partner.

"Why? Aside from the fact that she's a prep in disguise." Kate raised an eyebrow at her as a sudden look of revelation came over her face. "...what?"

"There's a song in that somewhere..." Putting down her deck, Anne pressed her finger to her forehead, as she often did when deep in thought. Kate could've sworn she saw smoke coming from her partner's ears until she began to sing. "You look like a Canon... walk like a Canon... talk like a Canon... but I got wise; you're a Mary Sue in disguise--"

Kate cried out in horror. "AGH! Elvis lives!" It was indeed disturbing; not from the song, but from the little dance her partner had started as she sang. It just wasn't meant to be performed by an orc.

Anne shrugged, grinning. "Hey, did you hear the parody Beth came up with? You look like a noodle... walk like a noodle... talk like a noodle... but I got wise; you're a jelly donut in disguise! Oh yes you are, a jelly donut in disguise---"

"AAGH! Is this what you do in your spare time?!"

"The stewpot knows how you lied to me--- huh? No, I take wand lessons from the guys in the Harry Potter Department."

The two silenced as attendees filed into the stone courtyard. Arsarmwen took a seat next to Gandalf, which was only mildly surprising; the thing more surprising was her description.

Anne's eyes narrowed dangerously as she read the words. " 'CRANKY OLD MAN'? Who in the world does she--"

"Shh, she can hear us," Kate warned her, nervously peeking over her shoulder.

The meeting went along as it should, and Legolas day-dreamed, only pausing to defend Aragorn, who was a friend. He put a few comments here and there, then got angry at the stupid, stunted thing that was unfortunately called a 'person'. In other words, Gimli the Dwarf.

"Bloody Sue and her lack of detail. Do elves daydream? Is Gimli a person or a dwarf? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?!" Anne whispered angrily.

Then the arguing ensued, and the hobbit that went by the name of Frodo volunteered to take the ring. He surprised Legolas, but Legolas could tell that it was the right choice.

"Darn glad the repetition hadn't choked him to death yet." Kate beat her forehead with her fist. "This is what all those years of taking English classes in reality did to me!"

Then Aragorn stood up. "You have my sword, and my life." He said, smiling down at the nervous hobbit.

Legolas felt himself moving to join them. "You have my bow."

Gimli also moved up, his small eyes shifty. "And my Axe." He said gruffly ("I'll 'shifty' you in a minute, sweetie," Anne snarled.).

Boromir, who Legolas wasn't sure he liked, also stood up. "As it is the will of the counsel, Gondor will see it done." He said, standing proudly.

To Legolas's surprise, the beautiful she-elf also stood up. "I will go, with the blessings of my father." She said, her eyes gold tinged.

"DARN... HER..." Anne took to strangling a strap on her backpack. "Getting... annoyed... beyond... mortal... comprehension..."

"Breathe, Anne. Deep breaths." Kate shook her head. "If the analysis devices went crazy with Elrond, imagine Legolas... I only hope it's not melting a hole in my backpack."

Legolas felt an impulse to protect her. "Milady, I'm not sure that would be wise." He said quickly. "There is a chance you could be harmed."

The beautiful she-elf glared at him. "I am well aware of the ramifications of my choice." She said bitingly, then smiled down at Frodo, who's bright, big blue eyes were wide. "You have my dagger, and my sword." She said. "And the blessings of the women-folk of middle earth."

Anne was now covering her head and writhing in mental agony on the ground. "Dear GOD, DELIVER US! Where in the bloody realm of Middle Earth did they get an elf as a women's rights activist?! IT'S a FELLOWship for a REASON!" She moaned in an aggrivated whisper. How she was not overheard was indeed a miracle in itself.

Elrond pursed his lips. "Indeed we can't, when one of you is summoned to a secret meeting and you are not." He said, peering at him.

"Yes, it's the very secret meeting that was a secret, so none of her friends could know because it was very secret," Kate whispered in a mocking tone.

Anne moaned again and sat up. "I'm fine. Really. Would flaming arrows be enough, or should we just cut her head off?"

"Dunno." Kate peered at the scene again before digging around in her backpack. Sure enough, the poor Character Analysis Device had long been shorted out; they assumed it had when Legolas and Elrond entered at the same time. "Look, they're finally done!"

Elrond stood up. "Ten companions." He said, smiling warmly at them. "Then you shall be the fellowship of the Ring."

The hobbit that was called Pip grinned again. "So where is it that we're going?"

Legolas felt like hitting his head against the stone pillar.

Anne had to be bodily restrained from hitting her head against a stone pillar.

~*~

"She can't quote anything for beans, she's a prep, she's a SUE, she got all of them so far out of character that you can't poke 'em with a stick..."

Kate listened to Anne's ramblings as they stepped through the remotely activated portal. She had been going on like this for quite some time, but once she started on the downhill stretch, there was no stopping her.

"And on top of all that, I didn't appreciate being sat upon," she finished sharply.

"It was the only way to keep you from giving away our location!" Kate snapped. "Just cool it. We'll kill her when the time comes."

"How 'bout now?"

"We wait 'til the first available breach of canon."

"...Kate, she IS a breach of canon."

"Good point. But we're still waiting."

Sitting down at the trunk of a random tree, Anne let out a tired sigh. "Didn't think we were lucky enough to kill her off now. I was hoping to see Upstairs today about getting a vacation."

Kate groaned painfully as she sat down next to her. "Ouch, that hurts... Sounds like a good idea. Where to? Mordor? Isengard? Rivendell? Hobbit--OOH! We have to go to the Shire!" She squealed. Anne had never before seen an orc squeal in delight.

"Down, down! I'm working on it!" She jumped and whirled at the sound of footsteps coming through the forest, managing to catch a glimpse of the passing Fellowship plus one. "Look, they're here..." she stifled a snort. "Aww, ookada poow ikle ewfiekins, aww covered in mud... poow baby!"

Her partner bit her lip to keep from laughing. "Dang, she signed up for this road trip and didn't pause to think about the grime factor, huh? No Sue does, I think. ...no, wait, I take it back. She has ash soap with her." She made a face.

Anne blinked. "Ash soap. While it's resourceful, I have no memory of it being in any of Tolkien's works. Sounds a bit too colonial-ish, anyway..."

As far as the two could see, the Fellowship were setting up camp for the night. Arsarmwen had gone off on her own to try and clean herself up a bit, while the canonical characters seemed to almost act normally. "This is what happens when a Sue forgets to describe the actions of others!" Kate declared. "And it's about as normal as they'll be until she's gone."

Arsarmwen heard a deep set of footprints coming towards her, and she turned slightly.

Boromir of Gondor was walking towards her. "Arsarmwen, Samwise has finished cooking." He said bluntly.

"Towards her, towards her... it makes my head hurt," Anne moaned.

Arsarmwen nodded to him, collected her ash-soap, and started walking back to the main camp. She could hear the hobbits talking merrily, and that cheered her up a bit.

Then, she saw the tall silhouette of Legolas stiffen against the fire, then all hell broke loose.

Orcs poured into the small clearing, their mockery of swords held high in the darkness.

Anne and Kate exchanged glances. "Here's the plan," Kate began hurredly. "We run in, wait 'til she falls, and drag her off. It shouldn't be long -- we just have to wait behind a tree and hope none of the Fellowship spot us."

"Okay. But what if they do?"

"Beats me, I'm only trying to get the Sue out of there!"

"...right."

Arsarmwen yelled, diving towards where her sword and dagger were laying in a neat pile. She grabbed her sword, bringing it up in a want-to-be guarding position.

An orc rushed by her, carelessly hitting her aside by the flat of his blade. Arsarmwen choked back a yell, feeling her side bruise badly.

A quick look up to the orc revealed it to not even be aware of her presence. He had just whacked her with his sword by chance, and hadn't even realized it!

"Maybe it realized it, but did the right thing and tried to ignore you," Anne growled.

Arsarmwen stumbled to her feet, grasping her sword. An orc had stepped on it, and it was hideously bent. Not broken, bent. It was ridiculous.

"Utumno agar tummen!" She yelled loudly, which wasn't exactly the brightest thing in the world to do.

Kate's eyes were wide with horror. "How the... how on earth did that happen? It's an elven sword -- THEY DON'T BEND!" She exclaimed angrily. "It's light, but it's not a piece of tin foil, for cryin' out loud!"

"I know... and what the heck is 'Unnundo aragog tommen' supposed to mean? 'Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries'?"

"Maybe 'Go away before I taunt you a second time'," her partner replied, breaking into a French accent.

A few orcs, whose focus was focused on Boromir, turned and gaped at Arsarmwen. Then, with a grunt of challenge, one of them charged at her.

She yelled in surprise, throwing her sword at the nearest orc. It hit it in the head, the hilt clunking uselessly in the middle of its forehead.

It haltered for a few moments, appeared to be a bit disorientated, then it growled at her. It picked up her rather mangled sword and chucked it at her.

Arsarmwen ducked, then rolled out of the way as another orc went thundering past her, intending to spear her with its.weapon. You couldn't really call them swords.

"If the paragraphs don't kill me, the side remarks will..." Kate moaned.

Arsarmwen's hand closed around her dagger, and she slashed with it at another orc's leg. It looked down at her, slightly puzzled almost.

Then Arsarmwen did the one thing she had been wanting to do ever since she had started fighting with the orcs.

She screamed.

Loudly, piercingly, and stridently.

And yet, one of the orcs near her had the audacity to laugh at her.

Anne and Kate, however, were crouching in mortal pain and agony, covering their ears. "I can't even hit that note," Anne growled.

Kate cringed. "I thought that was only achieved by three-year-olds and Junior High boys!"

That orc cut down at her with his weapon, striking her collarbone. She thankfully wasn't hit with the cutting edge, but all the same, she heard a dull cracking noise, and she was pretty sure she had broken it.

The orc who had stricken her soon got payback as soon as a sword pierced its chest.

Arsarmwen, who's vision was beginning to waver and be edged with grey, was roughly picked up and shoved out of the way.

"Stay here, Arsarmwen." She heard-Boromir was it? Or was it Aragorn?-say. He-whoever he was-put her behind a tree, efficiently out of the way.

The two assassins grinned, seeing as the Sue had been placed coincidentally at their feet. They slapped a quick unorcish high-five and roughly carted the body away.

~*~

Anne poked at the fire again with one of her arrows. "C'mon, let's make her suffer just a bit," she begged.

"It's either a flaming arrow to the heart or the neck. A quick death is always best; otherwise they try to be heroic." Kate tossed another rock down the hill from their campsite. "We charge her when she wakes, then we shoot her. Or you can have the honor of beheading her."

From her bound and gagged position on the ground, Arsarmwen finally stirred from unconsciousness. Kate stood over her with her hands on her hips, grinning evilly. "Wakey wakey, eggs and bacey!" The elven maiden jumped, alarmed, but grunted in pain and closed her eyes again. "Anne, hurry, she's drifting again. Let's get it over with and get outta here!"

"Arsarmwen, you are hereby charged with the crimes of being perfect, causing Legolas Greenleaf to fall in love with you, misquoting a considerable amount of the Council of Elrond, joining the Fellowship, being a whiny little--" Anne stopped to steady herself. "--brat, interacting with the Fellowship, Elrond, Elohir, Eladan, Arwen, and so on; writing everyone beyond a recognizable level of 'out of character', bending an elven blade, stating that your name actually has a meaning, using an unrecognizable language and calling it 'elvish', using massive amounts of repetition, and being both a Mary Sue and a Preppy Sue." She readied an arrow on her bow. "Any last words?"

Arsarmwen made a squeaking noise from behind her gag.

"Good enough." Anne effortlessly shot the Sue through the neck and watched her die, then hesitated for a moment. "C'mon, one more for good measure!" She pleaded, drawing another arrow from her quiver.

"One will do the job," Kate replied firmly. " 'Sides, why waste an arrow on overkill? Let's find somewhere to throw her and get back."

"I say we send her over the waterfall in a matchbox!" Before her partner could protest, Anne whipped out her wand and shouted, "Incindio!" The Sue caught fire immediately, which produced a sigh of relief from the assassin. "That was refreshing. Home we go!"

~*~

[beep]

The computer greeted the two assassins as they arrived back at headquarters. Kate peered at the console while Anne started to put away their gear. "Don't bother," she called. "We've got another one."

"Darn," Anne grunted. "No rest for the weary, I guess."

"Nope. And Upstairs wants us... the message says 'Utmost Urgency'." Kate grinned. "Let's go!"

"I wonder why they're calling us..." Anne mused as they left.

Anne's note: WOW. That was a Sue and a half... and yes, the fic disgusted me as much as described throughout the chapter. *very thin smile* I'm terribly sorry, but I don't see why this fic got so many reviews. It HURT to read.

Ah well. Thanks to Hellga, who sent us this fic! And for all the others you sent us, too ^^; We'll get to another one of them next time, though, and keep y'all wondering about the reason for the message from Upstairs. Should be fun, methinks. To Upstairs we go!

Kate's note: It was the best of fics; it was the worst of fics. This happened to be one of the latter type. I doubt either of us would have been put-upon by having to kill poor ikle Arsarmwen, but I let Anne have the honors. But we had fun quoting Monty Python, and the Council was interesting. If anyone can stand to read it, check out this fic in its original form. The downside: no peanut gallery to make comments.

We still want a Frodo fangirl! We have an Eomer girl already (which reminds me, Anne... when are we getting to her?), but no one has found a Frodo fic yet! I KNOW there are people out there who have written some...