Chapter five -- Legolas' True Love AKA The Lost Princess
~*~
As the two PPCs merged into the bustling hallways, it was hard to remember that there was one general rule for finding the way to Upstairs: never pay attention. No one bothered to ask why it was so, but whenever someone started to try and remember the way, they were lost for hours before anyone found them. It was weird, but some learned to cope; others didn't go Upstairs at all.
"We're lost," Kate moaned. "We've passed the Gundam Wing department twice now!"
Anne shrugged lightly. "Quit paying attention... you know, I would've given my wand to be in that department," she added, a tad wistful.
"Upstairs has their reasons. One, you'd go into shock every time you interacted with Heero Yuy. Two, you'd go into shock every time you interacted with Duo Maxwell. Three--"
"I get it," she interrupted. "You can't blame me, though. Thems be niiiiice lookin' Gundam pilots..."
Another several minutes of silence passed before Kate muttered, "that's the third time we've passed it."
Anne sighed. "This whole place is a maze, honestly. The elevators are the center, so it's the opposite end of any definable wing. It's a lot easier when you've got a CD player... stop paying attention!"
"Oh, bother you."
"See, we're there!" Anne grinned triumphantly. "Told you."
They pressed the up button and waited until the doors opened, then stepped in. As soon as the doors swished closed, the elevator shot upwards, causing Anne to mostly lose her balance. Kate had chosen to lean against the wall and wasn't swayed by the change in exceleration. By the time they had stopped, Anne was feeling a bit more queasy than before. "I always forget that I hate this elevator..." she moaned.
The two exited into a dimly lit hallway, identical to the one now below them. They walked in silence until they came to the end (which took some time until Kate forced herself to think about Frodo), which seemed to lead to nowhere. Anne felt the wall blindly for a moment before she found a doorknob, which had not been there before she had touched it.
"Go 'head," she muttered, gesturing her partner forward.
Kate shook her head. "I'll follow you."
"No, I INSIST..."
She sighed a rather annoyed, "fine," and led the way into the room.
-You come to grace my presence again, I see. Could you not at least knock? It would not do damage to the door, nor your hand, and it is much more pleasing than two assassins barging into my office.-
The room was larger and darker than the normal response centers, which made it hard to tell who was speaking at first. But as Kate's eyes adjusted to the amount of light (or lack of it), she could make out a metallic desk several yards from where they stood. In the cushioned chair behind it sat a sunflower, clad in a business suit and tapping its leaves impatiently on the desktop.
"You rang?" Kate finally asked, crossing her arms.
-I did. Have a seat, if it pleases you.- Two chairs seemed to materialize behind them, or so they imagined, since they had not been in existence before. Kate sat, but Anne continued to stand.
"We've been meaning to ask you some things about--" she began before she was interrupted by the sunflower.
-That can wait. You have undoubtedly heard about the reassignment issues that have occured as of late, yes?-
"Yeah, what about 'em?" Kate asked slowly, raising an eyebrow. This was starting to sound as if the outcome would be horrific.
The sunflower, quite possibly in other continuums, would have worn a thin smile at this point. -We might see it fit to move either of you to a new department, unless there be reason otherwise. There has been a sudden growth in the number of volunteers this past month, and we need to put these new victi--- beg pardon; new TRAINEES in places where they shall work the hardest.-
Anne's jaw dropped. "You're splitting us?" She asked, terrified at the idea.
-...there IS another possibility,- it mused. It almost seemed to enjoy toying with them. -If, perchance, the trainee we send to your department would rather work somewhere else, we shall have no choice but to leave both of you alone.-
"How come THEY get a choice?" Kate asked angrily. "We didn't choose where WE wanted to be! You threw us in there!"
-But that was BEFORE the floodgates opened, you see.-
"What if we decide that we don't WANT to deal with a newbie?"
-Then you shall both be reassigned.-
Anne crossed her arms stubbornly. "Alright. But in return for keeping up with whoever you send us, we get a vacation. A nice one, wherever we choose."
-I should think the reward would be keeping your jobs...-
She scowled and took a step forward.
-I was only joking! ...fine. You may visit whatever canon you wish for two weeks. Or, you may visit two; one each week.- It crossed its fronds impatiently. -Assassins these days... never pleased with what is given them.-
"Oh, you'll get used to it." Kate stood and straightened her shirt. "So when are we to expect this new person?"
-Soon. Very soon. Now, return to your station... I'm sure you have many calls to answer.-
~*~
The two assassins walked in silence for the entire trip back to their response center. Once they entered, however, they were surprised to see Theo sitting at Anne's console, tapping buttons so rapidly that it amazed them at first.
"What're you doing here?" Kate asked. Theo jumped and yelped, falling out of his chair in surprise.
Once Anne had stopped laughing long enough to help him stand, he glared angrily at them and straightened his shirt. "I had a call about a system meltdown in your department. The readout must have been bad enough to short out this hunk of hardware..." he sat down again and resumed his button-tapping. "It won't take long, I just have to reroute the server's main... AHA!"
"Is that a good 'AHA' or a bad 'AHA'?" Anne asked, peering over his shoulder.
"Good, considering your system is working again."
Kate snorted. "Bad, considering that I don't get my nap..."
"You must not be a 'glass half-full' kind of person, I take it." Theo stood and snatched his black bag of many electronic mechanisms from the floor next to the desk. "Have fun. The call looked pretty bad when I got down here..." He gave them an evil grin. "You should still have plenty of Analysis Devices; I'll be in my lab if you need me."
"Thanks, Theo!" Anne called as he left their department, while Kate started to look over the readout. "So how bad IS she, anyway?"
Her partner scowled. "A crossover Sue; Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Ugh, a Legolust Bunny, too... Her name's Erin Lindsay, she has a Cute Animal Friend, claims to be Harry's sister, Legolas instantly falls in love with her at first glance... typical crossover Sue," she muttered. "Care to guess her life story?"
"Not unless you're going to make me..."
"Get this: she was born as Elrond's second daughter, somehow taken to Earth by Gandalf (who happens to be Dumbledore's brother), and given to Lily and James Potter before Harry is born. She is given to her godmother when Lily and James are killed, and adopted by her. This is supposed to explain why her last name is 'Lindsay' and not 'Potter'"
"...answer me this. If Harry had to be given to Vernon and Petunia because he had no other family, why was the Sue given to the godmother? I didn't know Sirius was married, anyway..."
Kate grunted. "Grab your hard hat and beware of flying plotholes."
"What house is she, pretending I don't already know?"
"Hmm... a Gryffindor. How creative." She exchanged glances with Anne and stood to pack her gear. "Doesn't seem like a 'total system failure' kind of Sue to me... I mean, she's pretty mixed-up, but I honestly saw worse in the Slash department."
Anne shrugged and took Kate's chair, tapping buttons to open the words. As she read, however, the color drained from her face and she gave a piteous whimper.
"Worse than we thought?"
Another whimper, this time from underneath the desk.
"Okay, this might be interesting, then. Grab your bag and we'll head off... what disguises?"
A loud -thud- followed by an "OW!" sounded from under the desk; Anne crawled out after a moment, holding the side of her head and growling at the piece of furniture. "...Hogwarts students, I guess... I don't know -- Gryffindor to keep an eye on the Sue?"
"I guess it would be logical, even though I've always admired the Ravenclaws." Kate set their guises and tossed the remote activator to her partner. "Gryffindor it is. Remember your wand!"
"Already got it..." A portal opened and they easily stepped through, only to find themselves standing in the middle of Hogwarts' Great Hall.
"You forgot to take off your hat," Kate hissed.
Anne removed it quickly and put it somewhere in her robes. "Dangit, I knew there was something I had forgotten... but imagine Phil from the Monty Python department being put here with his red and while polka-dotted hat, eh?" She glanced around and spotted Legolas sitting at the Slytherin table, Sam at Hufflepuff, and Frodo, Pippin, and Merry at Gryffindor with the Sue. Aragorn and Arwen had taken seats at the teachers' table, and seemed to be enjoying themselves. "Darn Sues. Sam deserves to be in Griffindor just as much as the other Hobbits! Kate, get me my soap box!" She sighed and regained her composure. "It looks like we've missed the Sorting, by the way."
"Probably a good thing..."
"How did Arwen and Aragorn get to be Professors, anyway? What do they TEACH?"
"Why does no one like Ravenclaw?" Kate asked sourly, ignoring her partner's question. Anne sighed and led the way to the Gryffindor table. As they sat down near the Weasley twins (which made Anne rather happy), the Sue seemed surprised at a fifth year and seventh year (that she had never seen before) sitting near their group.
"Who are you?" She asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow.
They exchanged glances. "I'm, ah... Kitt," Kate began nervously, scrambling for her best British accent. It was against regulation to give any character, canon or non-canon, your Agent name. "...and this is my... sister Alex! We normally sit over there"--she gestured far to her right--"but all the seats were taken."
Anne tried to give the students and Hobbits polite returns for their friendly greetings.
Erin gave them a hard look before turning back to her conversation with Merry and Pippin. But after a while, Legolas came to sit at their table, which was not approved by the Slytherins in the least.
Kate and Anne casually covered their ears as Legolas sat next to Frodo. The dialogue was going to hurt, anyway...
"Made any new friends yet?" he asked
"Yeah, this is Harry Potter, Ron, Ginny, Fred and George Weasley, Erin Lindsay, Hermione Granger and Lena Tribal." Frodo said.
"Cool," said Legolas as he was tapped on the shoulder by Malfoy.
"Us Slytherins don't associate with Gryffindors." he said.
Anne nudged Kate in the ribs. "Does he say 'cool'?" She asked in a whisper, holding her Canon Analysis Device under the table and waving it in Erin's direction.
[Erin Lindsay. Female elf. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]
"Gotta love the suspenceful dialogue, too." Kate cautiously slipped her Character Analysis device out of the sleeve of her robe and held it under her hand, making sure the sensor was pointing towards Hogwarts students and Middle-Eartheans alike. "...they're all so far beyond Character Rupture that you can't poke 'em with a ten-foot pole. Poor guys..."
Then Erin swung around in her seat briefly laying her light green eyes on Legolas, unnoticed by the others, and said " What are you talking about, Malfoy. You and I went out for a while and you didn't care that I was in Gryffindor.until I dumped you. You're just jealous because Gryffindor has beaten the Slytherins for four consecutive years. And that Hermione is smarter then you. Also that you were slapped by Herm, attacked by a Hippogriff, and you lost the only person you really cared about, other then yourself that is. Now get out of my sight, before I do exactly what I did to the death-eaters to you." She said not taking her eyes off of him. And then he left.
Anne made a noise similar to a cat's yowl of pain.
"Incoming author's note," Kate whimpered, clamping her hands tighter on her ears.
As if on cue, an ominous-sounding voice boomed in their heads, as if someone had spoken through speakers into a microphone that was too close to their mouth.
(Erin killed 7 death-eaters when she was attacked in Hogesmead in November, by herself. Malfoy was standing by watching).
"And how she managed to stay out of Azkaban, I will never know."
Kate finally uncovered her ears and sighed. "Same way Harry managed when he tried to perform the Cruciatus curse on... what'shername from the fifth book: because the author said so."
"That bites like a rabid monkey." Anne ignored the strange look that Erin had given her for the comment. "Oh, goodie -- more gripping dialogue."
Then all of a sudden Prof. Dumbledore came up to Harry and Erin and told them to go and get ready to go to Diagon Ally.
The two assassins sat at the table for a moment before another convulsive shudder passed through them. "Why didn't they get their supplies BEFORE school started?" Kate muttered under her breath as she watched the two teenagers exit. "I thought that was some sort of regulation... so, portal to or through the Diagon Alley episode?"
Anne wasn't listening; she was busy evesdropping on the conversation between the Weasley twins and Lee Jordan about the joke they had played on a group of Slytherin first years.
"You should've seen their faces, mate," Fred exclaimed through his laughter. "You'd think they'd never seen an airborne dungbomb before!" Lee was laughing hard enough to break a minimum of two ribs.
George turned to Anne, who immediately tried to look as if she hadn't been listening. "...haven't I seen you somewhere before...?" He asked slowly.
She bit her lip, remembering her past days at the Harry Potter department. "Um... you've probably seen me around... it's a big school, after all." She managed a nervous grin as he turned back around, then she fell onto her partner, near hyperventilation.
Kate raised an eyebrow. "...wha--"
"Portal out, NOW," Anne gasped.
"Are you okay?"
"Favorite character; portaling before I pass out," she hissed, frantically pulling out the remote activator.
~*~
As they fell out of the portal, Kate gave Anne the same weird look as before. "Perfectly calm around all those Middle-Earth canons, and you freak when George Weasley talks to you?"
"Don't ask," her partner moaned. "It has to do with my days back in the Harry Potter department... I've never seen so much character torture in one fic! The Sue must have been in some sort of fetish club or something..."
"...and because you pitied him, he's your favorite character?"
"Because I SAVED him, he's my favorite character. Oliver Wood is a close second, though, with that accent."
Kate shook her head. "Can't blame you. But we still need to decide if we portal to Diagon Alley or not. I'd like to go, but that's just me... maybe I can buy an owl or something while we're there."
"And why you need an owl, I will never know. We might as well get you a wand, too, so you can help me take out the Sue in case she tries to pull something funny." Anne opened the portal, shouted, "DIAGON ALLEY!" and stepped through, leaving her rather amused partner to follow.
They stumbled out in the middle street, but no witnesses seemed terribly surprised; after all, anything out of the ordinary was normal the wizarding world. Kate dusted herself off and helped Anne stand, giving her another strange look. "What's with the Floo powder routine?"
"Dunno." She shrugged. "Y'know, I kind of liked traveling that way, back in the day. The rush you had coming out of it was pretty cool..."
"Was this before the remote activator?"
"No, it was just more fun!" She grinned and pointed off in the distance. "Look, there's Olivander's -- let's go find a wand before the action starts."
The door to the shop creaked somewhat eerily as the two entered. Mr. Olivander, who was sitting at his desk, looked up at them with a smile. "Hello there, may I help you find something?"
"She needs a wand," Anne replied. It was normal for her to enjoy stating the obvious.
He looked Kate once-over with a raised eyebrow. "...I see. Transfer student with a broken wand, I take it?" She nodded. "Ah, you can never trust Muggle carriers these days... honestly! They have no consideration for a well-made wand." He disappeared into the back for a few minutes, returned with a small number of wand-boxes, and let her try them until she found the one that suited her: mahogany, unicorn hair, fourteen inches.
"Thanks, Mr. Olivander!" Kate called over her shoulder. Anne waved enthusiastically as she was being pulled out the door.
"That could have gone worse," she commented lightly.
Kate rolled her eyes and kept walking, almost running over someone in front of her in the process. "Oops. Hey, how did you have wizard currency?"
Anne pocketed the small leather satchel, an evil grin on her face. "I managed to nab it off of the seat next to the Sue. She really needs to keep a better eye on her stuff, you know?"
"You're impossible..." She sighed and shook her head. "Okay, do we portal to the weapon shop that probably doesn't exist?"
"...why are we going there?"
"Erin has to buy Harry a dagger." Kate rolled her eyes again. "I guess that explains what Aragorn and Arwen are teaching."
"Is dagger management a feasable class?" Anne wondered aloud. "Ah, well. No need to portal if we just follow the crowd." She pointed to a group approaching them that consisted of humans, an Elf, and four Hobbits. "Gee, you'd think the Hobbits and Legolas would stand out just a BIT..."
"They're about as normal as two Hogwarts students appearing in the middle of the street from a portal that looks like a door," her partner muttered. "But did I fail to mention that they were heading to the weapon shop from Olivander's?"
"Oh, boy. Why do they need another wand, and why don't they have their robes yet? I didn't know they bought replacement wands every year," she growled sarcastically. "Didn't the words say that Moody was the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?"
"Yeah."
"That makes it fourth year, right?"
"...right..."
"So why is there no Triwizarding tournament going on? ...oh, never mind. I'll chalk it up to a Sue's understanding." Anne gave an aggrivated sigh and fingered her wand impatiently. "Y'know, one 'Avada Kadavera' and she's gone. I have pretty good aim, even at this distance..."
Kate frowned. "You have to charge her first. For that, we need to have a charge list. Trust me, we don't have much... well, aside from being a Sue, practically making the Lord of the Rings characters her own, mucking with timelines and family trees, and making Aragorn and Arwen teachers."
"We might as well strike now, before she annoys us to death," she snarled. It wasn't often that Anne snarled, unless she meant it. She quickly silenced as the group walked past them into Olivander's, unaware of the two students' presence. "...well, that was easier than I thought."
"Stranger things have happened, I guess. On to the weapon shop?"
"Sure, why not... we haven't anything better to do anyway."
~*~
They portaled to the supposedly non-existent weapon shop and entered; Anne had to pry Kate away from the swords (considering she already owned two swords, one Rohirrim and one Elvish) in order to hide from the freak show that was about to follow them. From behind a partially-closed door, they saw Erin, Legolas, and Harry in the lead. Legolas was very un-canonically drooling over a bundle of arrows while Erin led Harry to the dagger display case.
"Uh-oh, more cruddy dialogue -- heads up," Anne hissed.
"Don't you need one too, Erin?" Harry asked as they walked to the weapon shop.
"Nope," She said. "I already have one."
"You do?" asked Legolas
"Yeah. Don't look so surprised." Erin said
"What is it?" asked Harry
"Sword," Erin said casually looking at the daggers
"So, pick one Harry," She said
Anne and Kate groaned. "Great. She has a sword, too..." Kate muttered darkly. "Future plan: you fend her off with your wand and I'll fend her off with my sword." She patted her side with a grin. "Brought it with me already."
"At least you didn't steal it..." Anne said with a shrug.
"Oy! Harry. Come here. I think I found that you'll like." Erin said calling her brother over. Harry got there and Erin handed him a 12 inch dagger with a dragon carved into it at the bottom, near the handle.
Anne made a face. "That sentence doesn't make sense. 'I think I found that you'll like'?"
"You like?" Erin asked
"Yeah," Harry said. Then his mouth hung open as he saw the price. "Erin this costs 50 Gallons! I don't think you have that much."
Kate scowled. "Oh, sure. Your late parents leave you a small fortune, so naturally they don't have any for the poor red-headed, elven-eared stepchild."
"She doesn't have red hair," her partner pointed out.
"It's a saying--- oh, never mind..."
"Relax, Harry. I know the guy that owns the place. He owes me a couple of favours." Erin told him. Then she saw Legolas looking at the arrows and practically drooling over them. Erin walked up to the counter and said
"Oy! Scott!"
A man no taller then 6 feet came out of the back room.
Anne imagined him with the X-Men Cyclops visor and managed to restrain a snort of laughter.
"Rin! How are you? I haven't seen you since you came to upgrade your sword last month-" Scott said
"Yeah I haven't seen you at Three Broomsticks for a while. Are you sick?" Erin asked.
"No. You come to get another upgrade?"
"Nope I want to buy something."
"Really? You haven't bought anything from me since you bought Luna, four years ago," Scott said eyeing the four Hobbits.
"Luna?" Frodo said turning around.
"That's the name of my sword," She told him
The two assassins exchanged confused looks. "...LUNA?" Anne asked in a whisper. "Don't TELL me she's a Sailor Moon fan, too..."
"Could be a Luna Lovegood supporter," Kate offered. "Whoops, listening again..."
"So what can I help you with today?" Scott asked.
"Well, I'd like to buy the dagger Harry is eyeing and a couple of those arrows," she said pointing in Legolas' direction. Then Legolas turned around, and saw her pointing towards him.
"No I couldn't ask that of you," Legolas said
"Who said you were asking? I'm insisting. Plus I can see that you're practically drooling over them."
"Well the make of them is incredible and they look pretty fast," Legolas said
"That's 'cause they are," said Scott
"There is nothing that you can say that will stop me from buying them for you. Think of it as an early Christmas present."
"Might as well give up Legolas. You're never going to win. I've tried with my snowboard that she got me last year, and I lost. She's my sister and she won't even listen to me." Harry said
"ONE, Legolas doesn't say 'pretty fast'," Anne growled. "TWO, Harry doesn't HAVE a snowboard, or anywhere to use one since he's at Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays. THREE, does anything have superiority to Elvish weaponry? Take notes, Kate, I'm on a roll..."
Kate snickered. "We might as well port back to Hogwarts, since all that's left for them to discuss is Harry and Erin being related..."
A quick *swish* and *flick* of the remote activator, followed by Anne's shout of "THE GREAT HALL!", and they were gone.
~*~
They tumbled out into the Great Hall, just as Erin and Harry were taking seats with the Hobbits, Ron, and Hermione at the Gryffindor table. "Did we time travel?" Kate asked, holding her head.
"Yeah, I forwarded us to dinner so that we didn't have to sit through the episode at Hagrid's hut." Anne looked disappointed. "Even though Hagrid is the coolest teacher..."
"Does he beat Lupin?"
"...well... a half-giant against a werewolf... they're both near 'Top Teacher' for me!" She grinned and sat by Fred and George again. "Hey, maybe we'll actually get to eat this time," she muttered, glancing at her partner.
"Wasn't MY fault that we had to leave early," Kate commented lightly. "You were the one going into convulsions over your favorite character."
Anne frowned. "Just because you've never seen a character mauled almost beyond recognition before..."
"Wanna bet? I worked in Bad Slash for a while."
"Fine, whatever." Anne turned to read the words. "Agh, incoming!"
Just before they were about to eat Dumbledore mad his speech.
"This girl needs to slow down when she types," Kate muttered quietly, trying to hear the Headmaster.
"As you know there'll be a talent contest on Christmas Eve, Which is tomorrow. And last night you got a taste of what you'll be hearing. Just to remind you all who is performing it's: from Ravenclaw: Milica McNair; Hufflepuff: Josh Tunney; Gryffindor: Erin Lindsay and from Slytherin: Dennis Ellement."
"Holy Toledo, he sounds like he's introducing players at a football game," Anne whimpered as Dumbledore (or an imposter, as the assassins were trying to make themselves believe) continued speaking.
"But after the talent show is done, and a winner is picked, we'll have a party. The disk jockey is Erin's brother, Alex. He did graduate last year but he loves his little sister so much that he wanted to come back. So lets the feast begin!"
Kate grinned as the food appeared in front of them. "All right, now THIS is what I'm talkin' about."
Reaching for a piece of bread, Anne bit her lip in thought. "...okay, so she's Harry's brother, but this Alex dude is her brother, too? Is there something I'm missing?"
"Only a slightly large plothole. Split this drumstick with me?"
"Sure..."
The two assassins ate their portion of the feast and departed, waiting for the Sue in the hall. Finally, Erin emerged and started pacing; three minutes hadn't passed before Legolas joined her.
"So," he said as she turned around.
"Well, I talked to him today and he said that he wouldn't be able to make it 'cause of the full moon tonight -"
"What does that have to do with anything?" he asked her.
"And why did we suddenly start talking about Sirius?" Anne growled. "He hasn't even been mentioned yet..."
"Well, one of his friends is a ware wolf and he has to stay with him to make sure he doesn't kill anyone."
"Who, exactly is it?"
"It's my God father. His name is Sirius Black. Everyone thinks that he is this psycho killer," She told him
Anne and Kate exchanged confused glances. "More for the 'mucking with family trees' charge," Kate muttered, shaking her head. "Did he have a wife that no one knew about, or did Rowling fail to mention that Lindsay woman as their Godmother in the books?"
"It's a Sue; don't ask questions, just make charges." Anne growled low in her throat.
"Well is he?"
"NO! HE WAS FRAMED!! Anyways he told me that he could come just after dawn." She said controlling herself.
"Can I listen again?" Kate asked, holding her throbbing ear. "Sudden, loud noises can make such nice headaches. Can we go yet?"
Anne sighed. "Okay. I don't know where we're sleeping, unless you want to portal to tomorrow morning. We can snag her Cute Animal Friend then..."
"As you wish," her partner quoted a la Princess Bride. "You've got the portaling thingy."
~*~
It was about quarter to 5 when Erin woke up because something was licking her face.
"Good morning to you too, Nikki. Now please stop. I'll take you out in a minuet." She told her Siberian Husky puppy, as she sat up. Nikki jumped onto the floor and sat down waiting for Erin to put her harness and leash on her. Erin got dressed in low-rise jeans and a black acrylic, turtle-neck sweater; put a baby-blue bandana on and then she grabbed her grey leather jacket and Nikki's leash and walked out of her room.
Anne, hanging precariously from a small fixture on the ceiling, gave a greatful sigh. "I thought she'd never leave -- my arms are falling asleep! ...While I'm at it, can I charge her for wearing non-Hogwarts-ish clothes on campus?"
"I don't think 'campus' was the word you were looking for." Kate crawled out from under Erin's bed and coughed. "I thought she was a Prefect; aren't they supposed to be somewhat clean and organized?"
"Heck if I know. Why do you ask?" Anne landed carefully on the floor and helped her partner to her feet, raising an eyebrow at her in the process.
"Because I think I got attacked by a dustbunny the size of a Dementor under there. ...and what was that hanging-from-the-ceiling thing you had? Channeling Nightcrawler again?"
Anne grinned a very fangirlish grin. "Blue fuzzy elf! Heehee..."
"Oy. Let's just follow her..."
~*~
"I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral--"
Kate glanced about warily. "Why are you singing the Modern Major General song?"
"--I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical!" Anne panted for a moment before finally answering her partner's question. "Because I felt like it. And sorry 'bout that, I had to finish the verse."
"You're weird, you know that?"
"Would you rather me randomly break into 'Hikari'? I doubt there are many students who sing in Japanese around here."
"Shh, there she is!"
The two assassins hid behind Hagrid's hut as Legolas and Erin walked by, talking. Anne secretly wondered how the Elven prince was able to walk around without the required black robe over his tunic, but shrugged the thought from her mind. "Incoming dialogue," she muttered.
They walked away from Hagrids hut toward the Quidditch pitch. Legolas heard something.
"Wait." He said putting his arm out to prevent Erin from going any further. Then something came out of the shadows. It was (you guessed it) Snuffles! Erin bent down and let Nikki off of her leash.
"What did you do that for?" Legolas asked.
"Watch," Erin said as she put her hands on Legolas' arm and lowered it.
Kate beat her head against the hut for a moment, until Anne made her stop for fear that Hagrid would hear.
Nikki ran to Snuffles, who by the time Nikki got there, turned into Sirius Black. Nikki was thrilled to she him. After all, he is the one that bought her for Erin's birthday present.
"Not allowed to own dogs," Anne muttered in a sing-song manner.
Kate grimaced. "Isn't the rule 'a cat, an owl, or a toad'? Which doesn't explain why Ron could keep Scabbers, other than the obvious plot twist in Book Three."
Sirius grabbed Nikki by her red collar and walked up to Erin and said "I believe this belongs to you," as he hooked her back up to the leash.
"Hi Sirius," Erin said as she hugged him.
"So what have you been up to?" he asked.
"Nothing really,"
Anne sighed. "You know, this is REALLY boring. Can't we just shoot her already and retrieve the letter for the museum?"
"You want to try and handle Legolas AND Sirius? Be my guest." Kate glanced at their charge list and bit her lip. "We've almost got enough so far. ...heck, we had enough to charge her a couple of chapters ago."
"See? I'd already told you that!" She sighed aggrivatedly. "Okay, we'll wait 'til she's alone in her 'Prefect bedroom'. Do they GET their own room?"
"They don't, they're in rooms according to years. But we could portal to the non-existent room if we wanted."
"AWRIGHT!"
~*~
Erin got to her room and took her jacket off and Nikki's harness along with her leash and feed her.
Anne and Kate portalled in behind her, hiding in the shadows of the doorway, watching as the Sue sat down on her bed and started to cry. They exchanged glances and stepped forward into the light, much to the surprise of Erin.
"How did you get in here?" She asked, wiping her eyes.
Kate grimaced. "You won't care about that in a minute. Do you wish the honors of charging?"
Anne grinned somewhat evilly. "No, go ahead. I have other plans."
"Alrighty then." Kate pulled out a piece of paper and read off the contents. "Erin Lindsay, you are hereby charged with the crimes of intentionally bringing the characters from one dimension into another, owning a Cute Animal Friend, being homicidal towards grammar and punctuation, making plotholes, being an Elf, being both Harry Potter's and Arwen's sister, having a non-existent godmother, interacting with the characters of Harry, Ron, Hermione, George, Fred, Draco, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Sirius, Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Arwen, and Gimli"--at this point, she needed another deep breath--"mucking with family trees (other than your own) and timelines, stating that Harry owns a snowboard, giving yourself your own room, making Aragorn and Arwen teachers, and being a Mary-Sue."
"Any last words?" Anne readied her wand, but jumped as Erin angrily reached for hers.
"STUPIFY!" She screamed, her voice still choked with tears. But her opponent was quicker than she.
"ENNERVATE!" The assassin gave one last triumphant grin as she added, "STUPIFY!" Erin fell to the floor, unconscious, as Anne cheered. "Booya! I've still got the touch!"
Kate applauded for a moment before picking up the letter Erin had recieved from her "mother", sticking it in her robes, and pulling out her own wand. "Mobilicorpus!" Erin's body easily lifted from the floor. "So, what're we going to do with her?"
"Here's an easy one: Incendio!" The Sue's body caught fire quickly after Kate set her down. "Now, to put the characters where they belong..." Anne bent over and fastened a leash to Nikki, who was somewhat confused. A non-canon pet without a non-canon owner can get lost rather quickly in another continuum. "But she has to come with us, for the museum."
"Okay, whatever." Kate spotted a sword inside a scabbard and examined it for a moment with wonder. "Ooooooh, pretty. This must be Luna..."
"Don't you already have two swords?"
"Maybe this'll be for the museum under 'Items of Mary-Sueness.' But back to business: how do we get the Fellowship-Minus-Two-Plus-One AND everyone else together in order to get them back to normal?"
"I have an idea..."
~*~
In the Great Hall, Kate and Anne spotted Legolas at the Slytherin table and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Yes?"
Anne grinned. "Um, can you come with us for a sec? It'll be short, I promise..." The Elf obliged and followed them to the Gryffindor table, which the two assassins quickly mounted. The funny thing was, no one noticed.
"Now what?" Kate muttered to her partner.
She grinned again in response, pulled out her wand, and pointed it at her throat. "Sonorus," she whispered. "Excuse me!" Her voice echoed loudly through the hall, silencing the mass group of people. "Thank you. If Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Arwen, and Gimli could come to the back of the room, we'd be most happy!"
The members of the Fellowship and Arwen did as asked, though somewhat hesitantly. Kate jumped down and, with the help of Nikki, ushered them to the door, where she opened a portal to Middle Earth with Anne's remote activator. "Hold on. Anne, your sunglasses!"
"Right." She pulled a pair out of her robes and put them on, as did her partner. "Okay, everyone look this way, please!"
[FLASH]
"This has all been a very bad dream. Go back to whatever it was you were doing." Anne's wand went to her throat again. "Quietus," she whispered, jumping down to the floor. "They ready, Kate?"
"Yup." Kate pushed the Fellowship members and Arwen through the portal and closed it with much satisfaction, scratching the dog behind the ears before turning to her partner. "Heading home now?"
"You know it. Give me my remote activator back..."
~*~
As the two assassins stumbled back into their department, Kate removed her sunglasses and sighed. "Another long mission completed. I need a nap..."
"Good luck if you can get one before our next mission." Anne unfascened the leash on Nikki's collar and grimaced for a moment. "You know, I really don't like her name. It's so... average."
Kate sat down and let the Husky climb on her lap, then started to laugh. "I think our Sue made a mistake -- look at 'her' for a moment."
"...she's a he?"
"Yeah! I guess no one taught Erin about anatomy. What're we going to name him?"
Anne grinned. "Kurt!"
Kate gave her a raised eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because I'm insane. But I get to keep him!"
"FINE... but he has to stay here. Regulation 5c: no pets on missions."
Anne shrugged and sat down. "They say they had to put that rule in the book after a guy from the God-Mod department took his pet dragon with him."
"Never heard THAT story. I'm going to bed... goodnight."
[BEEP]
"Or not."
==========
Anne's note: GYAAH! This one was almost as bad as that Preppy-Sue we had! ...no, Arsarmwen was worse. At least this one had a pronouncable name. But being reborn inside of Lily Potter, after being Elrond's second daughter? A few points for originality, but not many. Plus, she was just plain annoying. We managed to end it before she took part in the singing competition, where they did all-Muggle songs. I mean, come ON! Can't she WRITE a song for her own character to use? Is it THAT hard?
*deep breath* I'm okay, really.
I was going to do a normal fic, but I stumbled across this little fork-in-the-road and had to redeem my sanity by killing her. But going Upstairs was kind of cool... Thanks for reviewing, all who have. Those who haven't... well, shame be upon your head.
Kate's note: Yeah, this Sue WAS pretty bad. But I finally got my wand, another sword, and two more editions to the Sue Museum, which should be set up soon... we hope, at least.
Oh yeah, and don't be afraid to flame. We won't come after you. Scratch that: we will if you have bad LotR fanfiction. Which isn't bad for US, mind; we enjoy a challenge every now and then.
~*~
As the two PPCs merged into the bustling hallways, it was hard to remember that there was one general rule for finding the way to Upstairs: never pay attention. No one bothered to ask why it was so, but whenever someone started to try and remember the way, they were lost for hours before anyone found them. It was weird, but some learned to cope; others didn't go Upstairs at all.
"We're lost," Kate moaned. "We've passed the Gundam Wing department twice now!"
Anne shrugged lightly. "Quit paying attention... you know, I would've given my wand to be in that department," she added, a tad wistful.
"Upstairs has their reasons. One, you'd go into shock every time you interacted with Heero Yuy. Two, you'd go into shock every time you interacted with Duo Maxwell. Three--"
"I get it," she interrupted. "You can't blame me, though. Thems be niiiiice lookin' Gundam pilots..."
Another several minutes of silence passed before Kate muttered, "that's the third time we've passed it."
Anne sighed. "This whole place is a maze, honestly. The elevators are the center, so it's the opposite end of any definable wing. It's a lot easier when you've got a CD player... stop paying attention!"
"Oh, bother you."
"See, we're there!" Anne grinned triumphantly. "Told you."
They pressed the up button and waited until the doors opened, then stepped in. As soon as the doors swished closed, the elevator shot upwards, causing Anne to mostly lose her balance. Kate had chosen to lean against the wall and wasn't swayed by the change in exceleration. By the time they had stopped, Anne was feeling a bit more queasy than before. "I always forget that I hate this elevator..." she moaned.
The two exited into a dimly lit hallway, identical to the one now below them. They walked in silence until they came to the end (which took some time until Kate forced herself to think about Frodo), which seemed to lead to nowhere. Anne felt the wall blindly for a moment before she found a doorknob, which had not been there before she had touched it.
"Go 'head," she muttered, gesturing her partner forward.
Kate shook her head. "I'll follow you."
"No, I INSIST..."
She sighed a rather annoyed, "fine," and led the way into the room.
-You come to grace my presence again, I see. Could you not at least knock? It would not do damage to the door, nor your hand, and it is much more pleasing than two assassins barging into my office.-
The room was larger and darker than the normal response centers, which made it hard to tell who was speaking at first. But as Kate's eyes adjusted to the amount of light (or lack of it), she could make out a metallic desk several yards from where they stood. In the cushioned chair behind it sat a sunflower, clad in a business suit and tapping its leaves impatiently on the desktop.
"You rang?" Kate finally asked, crossing her arms.
-I did. Have a seat, if it pleases you.- Two chairs seemed to materialize behind them, or so they imagined, since they had not been in existence before. Kate sat, but Anne continued to stand.
"We've been meaning to ask you some things about--" she began before she was interrupted by the sunflower.
-That can wait. You have undoubtedly heard about the reassignment issues that have occured as of late, yes?-
"Yeah, what about 'em?" Kate asked slowly, raising an eyebrow. This was starting to sound as if the outcome would be horrific.
The sunflower, quite possibly in other continuums, would have worn a thin smile at this point. -We might see it fit to move either of you to a new department, unless there be reason otherwise. There has been a sudden growth in the number of volunteers this past month, and we need to put these new victi--- beg pardon; new TRAINEES in places where they shall work the hardest.-
Anne's jaw dropped. "You're splitting us?" She asked, terrified at the idea.
-...there IS another possibility,- it mused. It almost seemed to enjoy toying with them. -If, perchance, the trainee we send to your department would rather work somewhere else, we shall have no choice but to leave both of you alone.-
"How come THEY get a choice?" Kate asked angrily. "We didn't choose where WE wanted to be! You threw us in there!"
-But that was BEFORE the floodgates opened, you see.-
"What if we decide that we don't WANT to deal with a newbie?"
-Then you shall both be reassigned.-
Anne crossed her arms stubbornly. "Alright. But in return for keeping up with whoever you send us, we get a vacation. A nice one, wherever we choose."
-I should think the reward would be keeping your jobs...-
She scowled and took a step forward.
-I was only joking! ...fine. You may visit whatever canon you wish for two weeks. Or, you may visit two; one each week.- It crossed its fronds impatiently. -Assassins these days... never pleased with what is given them.-
"Oh, you'll get used to it." Kate stood and straightened her shirt. "So when are we to expect this new person?"
-Soon. Very soon. Now, return to your station... I'm sure you have many calls to answer.-
~*~
The two assassins walked in silence for the entire trip back to their response center. Once they entered, however, they were surprised to see Theo sitting at Anne's console, tapping buttons so rapidly that it amazed them at first.
"What're you doing here?" Kate asked. Theo jumped and yelped, falling out of his chair in surprise.
Once Anne had stopped laughing long enough to help him stand, he glared angrily at them and straightened his shirt. "I had a call about a system meltdown in your department. The readout must have been bad enough to short out this hunk of hardware..." he sat down again and resumed his button-tapping. "It won't take long, I just have to reroute the server's main... AHA!"
"Is that a good 'AHA' or a bad 'AHA'?" Anne asked, peering over his shoulder.
"Good, considering your system is working again."
Kate snorted. "Bad, considering that I don't get my nap..."
"You must not be a 'glass half-full' kind of person, I take it." Theo stood and snatched his black bag of many electronic mechanisms from the floor next to the desk. "Have fun. The call looked pretty bad when I got down here..." He gave them an evil grin. "You should still have plenty of Analysis Devices; I'll be in my lab if you need me."
"Thanks, Theo!" Anne called as he left their department, while Kate started to look over the readout. "So how bad IS she, anyway?"
Her partner scowled. "A crossover Sue; Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Ugh, a Legolust Bunny, too... Her name's Erin Lindsay, she has a Cute Animal Friend, claims to be Harry's sister, Legolas instantly falls in love with her at first glance... typical crossover Sue," she muttered. "Care to guess her life story?"
"Not unless you're going to make me..."
"Get this: she was born as Elrond's second daughter, somehow taken to Earth by Gandalf (who happens to be Dumbledore's brother), and given to Lily and James Potter before Harry is born. She is given to her godmother when Lily and James are killed, and adopted by her. This is supposed to explain why her last name is 'Lindsay' and not 'Potter'"
"...answer me this. If Harry had to be given to Vernon and Petunia because he had no other family, why was the Sue given to the godmother? I didn't know Sirius was married, anyway..."
Kate grunted. "Grab your hard hat and beware of flying plotholes."
"What house is she, pretending I don't already know?"
"Hmm... a Gryffindor. How creative." She exchanged glances with Anne and stood to pack her gear. "Doesn't seem like a 'total system failure' kind of Sue to me... I mean, she's pretty mixed-up, but I honestly saw worse in the Slash department."
Anne shrugged and took Kate's chair, tapping buttons to open the words. As she read, however, the color drained from her face and she gave a piteous whimper.
"Worse than we thought?"
Another whimper, this time from underneath the desk.
"Okay, this might be interesting, then. Grab your bag and we'll head off... what disguises?"
A loud -thud- followed by an "OW!" sounded from under the desk; Anne crawled out after a moment, holding the side of her head and growling at the piece of furniture. "...Hogwarts students, I guess... I don't know -- Gryffindor to keep an eye on the Sue?"
"I guess it would be logical, even though I've always admired the Ravenclaws." Kate set their guises and tossed the remote activator to her partner. "Gryffindor it is. Remember your wand!"
"Already got it..." A portal opened and they easily stepped through, only to find themselves standing in the middle of Hogwarts' Great Hall.
"You forgot to take off your hat," Kate hissed.
Anne removed it quickly and put it somewhere in her robes. "Dangit, I knew there was something I had forgotten... but imagine Phil from the Monty Python department being put here with his red and while polka-dotted hat, eh?" She glanced around and spotted Legolas sitting at the Slytherin table, Sam at Hufflepuff, and Frodo, Pippin, and Merry at Gryffindor with the Sue. Aragorn and Arwen had taken seats at the teachers' table, and seemed to be enjoying themselves. "Darn Sues. Sam deserves to be in Griffindor just as much as the other Hobbits! Kate, get me my soap box!" She sighed and regained her composure. "It looks like we've missed the Sorting, by the way."
"Probably a good thing..."
"How did Arwen and Aragorn get to be Professors, anyway? What do they TEACH?"
"Why does no one like Ravenclaw?" Kate asked sourly, ignoring her partner's question. Anne sighed and led the way to the Gryffindor table. As they sat down near the Weasley twins (which made Anne rather happy), the Sue seemed surprised at a fifth year and seventh year (that she had never seen before) sitting near their group.
"Who are you?" She asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow.
They exchanged glances. "I'm, ah... Kitt," Kate began nervously, scrambling for her best British accent. It was against regulation to give any character, canon or non-canon, your Agent name. "...and this is my... sister Alex! We normally sit over there"--she gestured far to her right--"but all the seats were taken."
Anne tried to give the students and Hobbits polite returns for their friendly greetings.
Erin gave them a hard look before turning back to her conversation with Merry and Pippin. But after a while, Legolas came to sit at their table, which was not approved by the Slytherins in the least.
Kate and Anne casually covered their ears as Legolas sat next to Frodo. The dialogue was going to hurt, anyway...
"Made any new friends yet?" he asked
"Yeah, this is Harry Potter, Ron, Ginny, Fred and George Weasley, Erin Lindsay, Hermione Granger and Lena Tribal." Frodo said.
"Cool," said Legolas as he was tapped on the shoulder by Malfoy.
"Us Slytherins don't associate with Gryffindors." he said.
Anne nudged Kate in the ribs. "Does he say 'cool'?" She asked in a whisper, holding her Canon Analysis Device under the table and waving it in Erin's direction.
[Erin Lindsay. Female elf. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]
"Gotta love the suspenceful dialogue, too." Kate cautiously slipped her Character Analysis device out of the sleeve of her robe and held it under her hand, making sure the sensor was pointing towards Hogwarts students and Middle-Eartheans alike. "...they're all so far beyond Character Rupture that you can't poke 'em with a ten-foot pole. Poor guys..."
Then Erin swung around in her seat briefly laying her light green eyes on Legolas, unnoticed by the others, and said " What are you talking about, Malfoy. You and I went out for a while and you didn't care that I was in Gryffindor.until I dumped you. You're just jealous because Gryffindor has beaten the Slytherins for four consecutive years. And that Hermione is smarter then you. Also that you were slapped by Herm, attacked by a Hippogriff, and you lost the only person you really cared about, other then yourself that is. Now get out of my sight, before I do exactly what I did to the death-eaters to you." She said not taking her eyes off of him. And then he left.
Anne made a noise similar to a cat's yowl of pain.
"Incoming author's note," Kate whimpered, clamping her hands tighter on her ears.
As if on cue, an ominous-sounding voice boomed in their heads, as if someone had spoken through speakers into a microphone that was too close to their mouth.
(Erin killed 7 death-eaters when she was attacked in Hogesmead in November, by herself. Malfoy was standing by watching).
"And how she managed to stay out of Azkaban, I will never know."
Kate finally uncovered her ears and sighed. "Same way Harry managed when he tried to perform the Cruciatus curse on... what'shername from the fifth book: because the author said so."
"That bites like a rabid monkey." Anne ignored the strange look that Erin had given her for the comment. "Oh, goodie -- more gripping dialogue."
Then all of a sudden Prof. Dumbledore came up to Harry and Erin and told them to go and get ready to go to Diagon Ally.
The two assassins sat at the table for a moment before another convulsive shudder passed through them. "Why didn't they get their supplies BEFORE school started?" Kate muttered under her breath as she watched the two teenagers exit. "I thought that was some sort of regulation... so, portal to or through the Diagon Alley episode?"
Anne wasn't listening; she was busy evesdropping on the conversation between the Weasley twins and Lee Jordan about the joke they had played on a group of Slytherin first years.
"You should've seen their faces, mate," Fred exclaimed through his laughter. "You'd think they'd never seen an airborne dungbomb before!" Lee was laughing hard enough to break a minimum of two ribs.
George turned to Anne, who immediately tried to look as if she hadn't been listening. "...haven't I seen you somewhere before...?" He asked slowly.
She bit her lip, remembering her past days at the Harry Potter department. "Um... you've probably seen me around... it's a big school, after all." She managed a nervous grin as he turned back around, then she fell onto her partner, near hyperventilation.
Kate raised an eyebrow. "...wha--"
"Portal out, NOW," Anne gasped.
"Are you okay?"
"Favorite character; portaling before I pass out," she hissed, frantically pulling out the remote activator.
~*~
As they fell out of the portal, Kate gave Anne the same weird look as before. "Perfectly calm around all those Middle-Earth canons, and you freak when George Weasley talks to you?"
"Don't ask," her partner moaned. "It has to do with my days back in the Harry Potter department... I've never seen so much character torture in one fic! The Sue must have been in some sort of fetish club or something..."
"...and because you pitied him, he's your favorite character?"
"Because I SAVED him, he's my favorite character. Oliver Wood is a close second, though, with that accent."
Kate shook her head. "Can't blame you. But we still need to decide if we portal to Diagon Alley or not. I'd like to go, but that's just me... maybe I can buy an owl or something while we're there."
"And why you need an owl, I will never know. We might as well get you a wand, too, so you can help me take out the Sue in case she tries to pull something funny." Anne opened the portal, shouted, "DIAGON ALLEY!" and stepped through, leaving her rather amused partner to follow.
They stumbled out in the middle street, but no witnesses seemed terribly surprised; after all, anything out of the ordinary was normal the wizarding world. Kate dusted herself off and helped Anne stand, giving her another strange look. "What's with the Floo powder routine?"
"Dunno." She shrugged. "Y'know, I kind of liked traveling that way, back in the day. The rush you had coming out of it was pretty cool..."
"Was this before the remote activator?"
"No, it was just more fun!" She grinned and pointed off in the distance. "Look, there's Olivander's -- let's go find a wand before the action starts."
The door to the shop creaked somewhat eerily as the two entered. Mr. Olivander, who was sitting at his desk, looked up at them with a smile. "Hello there, may I help you find something?"
"She needs a wand," Anne replied. It was normal for her to enjoy stating the obvious.
He looked Kate once-over with a raised eyebrow. "...I see. Transfer student with a broken wand, I take it?" She nodded. "Ah, you can never trust Muggle carriers these days... honestly! They have no consideration for a well-made wand." He disappeared into the back for a few minutes, returned with a small number of wand-boxes, and let her try them until she found the one that suited her: mahogany, unicorn hair, fourteen inches.
"Thanks, Mr. Olivander!" Kate called over her shoulder. Anne waved enthusiastically as she was being pulled out the door.
"That could have gone worse," she commented lightly.
Kate rolled her eyes and kept walking, almost running over someone in front of her in the process. "Oops. Hey, how did you have wizard currency?"
Anne pocketed the small leather satchel, an evil grin on her face. "I managed to nab it off of the seat next to the Sue. She really needs to keep a better eye on her stuff, you know?"
"You're impossible..." She sighed and shook her head. "Okay, do we portal to the weapon shop that probably doesn't exist?"
"...why are we going there?"
"Erin has to buy Harry a dagger." Kate rolled her eyes again. "I guess that explains what Aragorn and Arwen are teaching."
"Is dagger management a feasable class?" Anne wondered aloud. "Ah, well. No need to portal if we just follow the crowd." She pointed to a group approaching them that consisted of humans, an Elf, and four Hobbits. "Gee, you'd think the Hobbits and Legolas would stand out just a BIT..."
"They're about as normal as two Hogwarts students appearing in the middle of the street from a portal that looks like a door," her partner muttered. "But did I fail to mention that they were heading to the weapon shop from Olivander's?"
"Oh, boy. Why do they need another wand, and why don't they have their robes yet? I didn't know they bought replacement wands every year," she growled sarcastically. "Didn't the words say that Moody was the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?"
"Yeah."
"That makes it fourth year, right?"
"...right..."
"So why is there no Triwizarding tournament going on? ...oh, never mind. I'll chalk it up to a Sue's understanding." Anne gave an aggrivated sigh and fingered her wand impatiently. "Y'know, one 'Avada Kadavera' and she's gone. I have pretty good aim, even at this distance..."
Kate frowned. "You have to charge her first. For that, we need to have a charge list. Trust me, we don't have much... well, aside from being a Sue, practically making the Lord of the Rings characters her own, mucking with timelines and family trees, and making Aragorn and Arwen teachers."
"We might as well strike now, before she annoys us to death," she snarled. It wasn't often that Anne snarled, unless she meant it. She quickly silenced as the group walked past them into Olivander's, unaware of the two students' presence. "...well, that was easier than I thought."
"Stranger things have happened, I guess. On to the weapon shop?"
"Sure, why not... we haven't anything better to do anyway."
~*~
They portaled to the supposedly non-existent weapon shop and entered; Anne had to pry Kate away from the swords (considering she already owned two swords, one Rohirrim and one Elvish) in order to hide from the freak show that was about to follow them. From behind a partially-closed door, they saw Erin, Legolas, and Harry in the lead. Legolas was very un-canonically drooling over a bundle of arrows while Erin led Harry to the dagger display case.
"Uh-oh, more cruddy dialogue -- heads up," Anne hissed.
"Don't you need one too, Erin?" Harry asked as they walked to the weapon shop.
"Nope," She said. "I already have one."
"You do?" asked Legolas
"Yeah. Don't look so surprised." Erin said
"What is it?" asked Harry
"Sword," Erin said casually looking at the daggers
"So, pick one Harry," She said
Anne and Kate groaned. "Great. She has a sword, too..." Kate muttered darkly. "Future plan: you fend her off with your wand and I'll fend her off with my sword." She patted her side with a grin. "Brought it with me already."
"At least you didn't steal it..." Anne said with a shrug.
"Oy! Harry. Come here. I think I found that you'll like." Erin said calling her brother over. Harry got there and Erin handed him a 12 inch dagger with a dragon carved into it at the bottom, near the handle.
Anne made a face. "That sentence doesn't make sense. 'I think I found that you'll like'?"
"You like?" Erin asked
"Yeah," Harry said. Then his mouth hung open as he saw the price. "Erin this costs 50 Gallons! I don't think you have that much."
Kate scowled. "Oh, sure. Your late parents leave you a small fortune, so naturally they don't have any for the poor red-headed, elven-eared stepchild."
"She doesn't have red hair," her partner pointed out.
"It's a saying--- oh, never mind..."
"Relax, Harry. I know the guy that owns the place. He owes me a couple of favours." Erin told him. Then she saw Legolas looking at the arrows and practically drooling over them. Erin walked up to the counter and said
"Oy! Scott!"
A man no taller then 6 feet came out of the back room.
Anne imagined him with the X-Men Cyclops visor and managed to restrain a snort of laughter.
"Rin! How are you? I haven't seen you since you came to upgrade your sword last month-" Scott said
"Yeah I haven't seen you at Three Broomsticks for a while. Are you sick?" Erin asked.
"No. You come to get another upgrade?"
"Nope I want to buy something."
"Really? You haven't bought anything from me since you bought Luna, four years ago," Scott said eyeing the four Hobbits.
"Luna?" Frodo said turning around.
"That's the name of my sword," She told him
The two assassins exchanged confused looks. "...LUNA?" Anne asked in a whisper. "Don't TELL me she's a Sailor Moon fan, too..."
"Could be a Luna Lovegood supporter," Kate offered. "Whoops, listening again..."
"So what can I help you with today?" Scott asked.
"Well, I'd like to buy the dagger Harry is eyeing and a couple of those arrows," she said pointing in Legolas' direction. Then Legolas turned around, and saw her pointing towards him.
"No I couldn't ask that of you," Legolas said
"Who said you were asking? I'm insisting. Plus I can see that you're practically drooling over them."
"Well the make of them is incredible and they look pretty fast," Legolas said
"That's 'cause they are," said Scott
"There is nothing that you can say that will stop me from buying them for you. Think of it as an early Christmas present."
"Might as well give up Legolas. You're never going to win. I've tried with my snowboard that she got me last year, and I lost. She's my sister and she won't even listen to me." Harry said
"ONE, Legolas doesn't say 'pretty fast'," Anne growled. "TWO, Harry doesn't HAVE a snowboard, or anywhere to use one since he's at Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays. THREE, does anything have superiority to Elvish weaponry? Take notes, Kate, I'm on a roll..."
Kate snickered. "We might as well port back to Hogwarts, since all that's left for them to discuss is Harry and Erin being related..."
A quick *swish* and *flick* of the remote activator, followed by Anne's shout of "THE GREAT HALL!", and they were gone.
~*~
They tumbled out into the Great Hall, just as Erin and Harry were taking seats with the Hobbits, Ron, and Hermione at the Gryffindor table. "Did we time travel?" Kate asked, holding her head.
"Yeah, I forwarded us to dinner so that we didn't have to sit through the episode at Hagrid's hut." Anne looked disappointed. "Even though Hagrid is the coolest teacher..."
"Does he beat Lupin?"
"...well... a half-giant against a werewolf... they're both near 'Top Teacher' for me!" She grinned and sat by Fred and George again. "Hey, maybe we'll actually get to eat this time," she muttered, glancing at her partner.
"Wasn't MY fault that we had to leave early," Kate commented lightly. "You were the one going into convulsions over your favorite character."
Anne frowned. "Just because you've never seen a character mauled almost beyond recognition before..."
"Wanna bet? I worked in Bad Slash for a while."
"Fine, whatever." Anne turned to read the words. "Agh, incoming!"
Just before they were about to eat Dumbledore mad his speech.
"This girl needs to slow down when she types," Kate muttered quietly, trying to hear the Headmaster.
"As you know there'll be a talent contest on Christmas Eve, Which is tomorrow. And last night you got a taste of what you'll be hearing. Just to remind you all who is performing it's: from Ravenclaw: Milica McNair; Hufflepuff: Josh Tunney; Gryffindor: Erin Lindsay and from Slytherin: Dennis Ellement."
"Holy Toledo, he sounds like he's introducing players at a football game," Anne whimpered as Dumbledore (or an imposter, as the assassins were trying to make themselves believe) continued speaking.
"But after the talent show is done, and a winner is picked, we'll have a party. The disk jockey is Erin's brother, Alex. He did graduate last year but he loves his little sister so much that he wanted to come back. So lets the feast begin!"
Kate grinned as the food appeared in front of them. "All right, now THIS is what I'm talkin' about."
Reaching for a piece of bread, Anne bit her lip in thought. "...okay, so she's Harry's brother, but this Alex dude is her brother, too? Is there something I'm missing?"
"Only a slightly large plothole. Split this drumstick with me?"
"Sure..."
The two assassins ate their portion of the feast and departed, waiting for the Sue in the hall. Finally, Erin emerged and started pacing; three minutes hadn't passed before Legolas joined her.
"So," he said as she turned around.
"Well, I talked to him today and he said that he wouldn't be able to make it 'cause of the full moon tonight -"
"What does that have to do with anything?" he asked her.
"And why did we suddenly start talking about Sirius?" Anne growled. "He hasn't even been mentioned yet..."
"Well, one of his friends is a ware wolf and he has to stay with him to make sure he doesn't kill anyone."
"Who, exactly is it?"
"It's my God father. His name is Sirius Black. Everyone thinks that he is this psycho killer," She told him
Anne and Kate exchanged confused glances. "More for the 'mucking with family trees' charge," Kate muttered, shaking her head. "Did he have a wife that no one knew about, or did Rowling fail to mention that Lindsay woman as their Godmother in the books?"
"It's a Sue; don't ask questions, just make charges." Anne growled low in her throat.
"Well is he?"
"NO! HE WAS FRAMED!! Anyways he told me that he could come just after dawn." She said controlling herself.
"Can I listen again?" Kate asked, holding her throbbing ear. "Sudden, loud noises can make such nice headaches. Can we go yet?"
Anne sighed. "Okay. I don't know where we're sleeping, unless you want to portal to tomorrow morning. We can snag her Cute Animal Friend then..."
"As you wish," her partner quoted a la Princess Bride. "You've got the portaling thingy."
~*~
It was about quarter to 5 when Erin woke up because something was licking her face.
"Good morning to you too, Nikki. Now please stop. I'll take you out in a minuet." She told her Siberian Husky puppy, as she sat up. Nikki jumped onto the floor and sat down waiting for Erin to put her harness and leash on her. Erin got dressed in low-rise jeans and a black acrylic, turtle-neck sweater; put a baby-blue bandana on and then she grabbed her grey leather jacket and Nikki's leash and walked out of her room.
Anne, hanging precariously from a small fixture on the ceiling, gave a greatful sigh. "I thought she'd never leave -- my arms are falling asleep! ...While I'm at it, can I charge her for wearing non-Hogwarts-ish clothes on campus?"
"I don't think 'campus' was the word you were looking for." Kate crawled out from under Erin's bed and coughed. "I thought she was a Prefect; aren't they supposed to be somewhat clean and organized?"
"Heck if I know. Why do you ask?" Anne landed carefully on the floor and helped her partner to her feet, raising an eyebrow at her in the process.
"Because I think I got attacked by a dustbunny the size of a Dementor under there. ...and what was that hanging-from-the-ceiling thing you had? Channeling Nightcrawler again?"
Anne grinned a very fangirlish grin. "Blue fuzzy elf! Heehee..."
"Oy. Let's just follow her..."
~*~
"I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral--"
Kate glanced about warily. "Why are you singing the Modern Major General song?"
"--I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical!" Anne panted for a moment before finally answering her partner's question. "Because I felt like it. And sorry 'bout that, I had to finish the verse."
"You're weird, you know that?"
"Would you rather me randomly break into 'Hikari'? I doubt there are many students who sing in Japanese around here."
"Shh, there she is!"
The two assassins hid behind Hagrid's hut as Legolas and Erin walked by, talking. Anne secretly wondered how the Elven prince was able to walk around without the required black robe over his tunic, but shrugged the thought from her mind. "Incoming dialogue," she muttered.
They walked away from Hagrids hut toward the Quidditch pitch. Legolas heard something.
"Wait." He said putting his arm out to prevent Erin from going any further. Then something came out of the shadows. It was (you guessed it) Snuffles! Erin bent down and let Nikki off of her leash.
"What did you do that for?" Legolas asked.
"Watch," Erin said as she put her hands on Legolas' arm and lowered it.
Kate beat her head against the hut for a moment, until Anne made her stop for fear that Hagrid would hear.
Nikki ran to Snuffles, who by the time Nikki got there, turned into Sirius Black. Nikki was thrilled to she him. After all, he is the one that bought her for Erin's birthday present.
"Not allowed to own dogs," Anne muttered in a sing-song manner.
Kate grimaced. "Isn't the rule 'a cat, an owl, or a toad'? Which doesn't explain why Ron could keep Scabbers, other than the obvious plot twist in Book Three."
Sirius grabbed Nikki by her red collar and walked up to Erin and said "I believe this belongs to you," as he hooked her back up to the leash.
"Hi Sirius," Erin said as she hugged him.
"So what have you been up to?" he asked.
"Nothing really,"
Anne sighed. "You know, this is REALLY boring. Can't we just shoot her already and retrieve the letter for the museum?"
"You want to try and handle Legolas AND Sirius? Be my guest." Kate glanced at their charge list and bit her lip. "We've almost got enough so far. ...heck, we had enough to charge her a couple of chapters ago."
"See? I'd already told you that!" She sighed aggrivatedly. "Okay, we'll wait 'til she's alone in her 'Prefect bedroom'. Do they GET their own room?"
"They don't, they're in rooms according to years. But we could portal to the non-existent room if we wanted."
"AWRIGHT!"
~*~
Erin got to her room and took her jacket off and Nikki's harness along with her leash and feed her.
Anne and Kate portalled in behind her, hiding in the shadows of the doorway, watching as the Sue sat down on her bed and started to cry. They exchanged glances and stepped forward into the light, much to the surprise of Erin.
"How did you get in here?" She asked, wiping her eyes.
Kate grimaced. "You won't care about that in a minute. Do you wish the honors of charging?"
Anne grinned somewhat evilly. "No, go ahead. I have other plans."
"Alrighty then." Kate pulled out a piece of paper and read off the contents. "Erin Lindsay, you are hereby charged with the crimes of intentionally bringing the characters from one dimension into another, owning a Cute Animal Friend, being homicidal towards grammar and punctuation, making plotholes, being an Elf, being both Harry Potter's and Arwen's sister, having a non-existent godmother, interacting with the characters of Harry, Ron, Hermione, George, Fred, Draco, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Sirius, Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Arwen, and Gimli"--at this point, she needed another deep breath--"mucking with family trees (other than your own) and timelines, stating that Harry owns a snowboard, giving yourself your own room, making Aragorn and Arwen teachers, and being a Mary-Sue."
"Any last words?" Anne readied her wand, but jumped as Erin angrily reached for hers.
"STUPIFY!" She screamed, her voice still choked with tears. But her opponent was quicker than she.
"ENNERVATE!" The assassin gave one last triumphant grin as she added, "STUPIFY!" Erin fell to the floor, unconscious, as Anne cheered. "Booya! I've still got the touch!"
Kate applauded for a moment before picking up the letter Erin had recieved from her "mother", sticking it in her robes, and pulling out her own wand. "Mobilicorpus!" Erin's body easily lifted from the floor. "So, what're we going to do with her?"
"Here's an easy one: Incendio!" The Sue's body caught fire quickly after Kate set her down. "Now, to put the characters where they belong..." Anne bent over and fastened a leash to Nikki, who was somewhat confused. A non-canon pet without a non-canon owner can get lost rather quickly in another continuum. "But she has to come with us, for the museum."
"Okay, whatever." Kate spotted a sword inside a scabbard and examined it for a moment with wonder. "Ooooooh, pretty. This must be Luna..."
"Don't you already have two swords?"
"Maybe this'll be for the museum under 'Items of Mary-Sueness.' But back to business: how do we get the Fellowship-Minus-Two-Plus-One AND everyone else together in order to get them back to normal?"
"I have an idea..."
~*~
In the Great Hall, Kate and Anne spotted Legolas at the Slytherin table and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Yes?"
Anne grinned. "Um, can you come with us for a sec? It'll be short, I promise..." The Elf obliged and followed them to the Gryffindor table, which the two assassins quickly mounted. The funny thing was, no one noticed.
"Now what?" Kate muttered to her partner.
She grinned again in response, pulled out her wand, and pointed it at her throat. "Sonorus," she whispered. "Excuse me!" Her voice echoed loudly through the hall, silencing the mass group of people. "Thank you. If Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Arwen, and Gimli could come to the back of the room, we'd be most happy!"
The members of the Fellowship and Arwen did as asked, though somewhat hesitantly. Kate jumped down and, with the help of Nikki, ushered them to the door, where she opened a portal to Middle Earth with Anne's remote activator. "Hold on. Anne, your sunglasses!"
"Right." She pulled a pair out of her robes and put them on, as did her partner. "Okay, everyone look this way, please!"
[FLASH]
"This has all been a very bad dream. Go back to whatever it was you were doing." Anne's wand went to her throat again. "Quietus," she whispered, jumping down to the floor. "They ready, Kate?"
"Yup." Kate pushed the Fellowship members and Arwen through the portal and closed it with much satisfaction, scratching the dog behind the ears before turning to her partner. "Heading home now?"
"You know it. Give me my remote activator back..."
~*~
As the two assassins stumbled back into their department, Kate removed her sunglasses and sighed. "Another long mission completed. I need a nap..."
"Good luck if you can get one before our next mission." Anne unfascened the leash on Nikki's collar and grimaced for a moment. "You know, I really don't like her name. It's so... average."
Kate sat down and let the Husky climb on her lap, then started to laugh. "I think our Sue made a mistake -- look at 'her' for a moment."
"...she's a he?"
"Yeah! I guess no one taught Erin about anatomy. What're we going to name him?"
Anne grinned. "Kurt!"
Kate gave her a raised eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because I'm insane. But I get to keep him!"
"FINE... but he has to stay here. Regulation 5c: no pets on missions."
Anne shrugged and sat down. "They say they had to put that rule in the book after a guy from the God-Mod department took his pet dragon with him."
"Never heard THAT story. I'm going to bed... goodnight."
[BEEP]
"Or not."
==========
Anne's note: GYAAH! This one was almost as bad as that Preppy-Sue we had! ...no, Arsarmwen was worse. At least this one had a pronouncable name. But being reborn inside of Lily Potter, after being Elrond's second daughter? A few points for originality, but not many. Plus, she was just plain annoying. We managed to end it before she took part in the singing competition, where they did all-Muggle songs. I mean, come ON! Can't she WRITE a song for her own character to use? Is it THAT hard?
*deep breath* I'm okay, really.
I was going to do a normal fic, but I stumbled across this little fork-in-the-road and had to redeem my sanity by killing her. But going Upstairs was kind of cool... Thanks for reviewing, all who have. Those who haven't... well, shame be upon your head.
Kate's note: Yeah, this Sue WAS pretty bad. But I finally got my wand, another sword, and two more editions to the Sue Museum, which should be set up soon... we hope, at least.
Oh yeah, and don't be afraid to flame. We won't come after you. Scratch that: we will if you have bad LotR fanfiction. Which isn't bad for US, mind; we enjoy a challenge every now and then.
