DISCLAIMER: I (STATE YOUR NAME) DISCLAIM ALL OWNERSHIP OF ALL CHARACTERS IN THE FOLLOWING (NAME OF TEXT) BY (INSERT NAME OF AUTHOR)

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AN: Thanks for the reviews guys; it was quality reading material (yeah…ALL FOUR OF THEM)! Anyway, thought I would entertain you with an exciting new chapter to my story…NOT! Well, the part about it being a new chapter is certainly true. So without further ADO, I present to YOU… (oh my god…how LAME am I?)

POTTER ON THE POTTY

If you were standing outside the Prefects bathroom with the sound-proof doors…you wouldn't have heard anything, HOWEVER, if you were standing on the OTHER side, you would have heard Harry growling, moaning and screaming in either agony or pleasure. (It was hard to tell) If you think about it, a two-foot faecal impaction is very much like a baseball-bat up your arse isn't it? And if you happen to be into that kinda stuff…well…

Harry's eyes were glazed over when he came out of the Prefects bathroom and floated down to Potions. He would certainly need to ask Snape for another fortnight's worth of Constipation Potion, that is, to make him more constipated.

Later that afternoon, in the common room…

"RON! HERMIONE! SOMEBODY HELP!!!"

"Harry, what it is? What's wrong? Is it your scar? Have you had a nightmare? Are your boots dirty? Do you want me to lick them?"

"No, I just want the new password to the Prefects bathroom you crazy woman! Oh, you CAN lick my boots if you want to, but I guess you'll have to take a ticket and wait in line."

At that precise moment:

"What's the matter Harry? Did someone try to kill you again?"

"RON! What's the new password?"

"Tea cosy, why? Hey! Wait a minute! How the hell did you get in here if you don't know the password?" Ron suddenly gasped and let out a piercing scream.

"RUN! EVERYONE RUN! IT'S VOLDEMORT DISGUISED AS HARRY! RUN!"

However, what Ron forgot to do was to keep his eyes open while he was running; as a result, he got about as far as the closest wall before falling over unconscious.  

"I meant the password for the bathroom. Hermione?"

"It's Latus Rectum."

"Thanks 'Mione!"

With that he practically ZOOOOOMED off to the toilets and occupied the stall closest to the door for no apparent reason other than the fact that it was close to the door, (you know; easy in, easy out, heehee).

Later, still in the common room…

Ron had awoken and he was laying down on a sofa with a furry ice-pack pressed to his forehead and a bloody stupid nice hot cup of tea, on the table next to him.

(If I hear ANTHING more about a fucking 'nice hot cup of tea', I will personally make sure that the person will never even THINK about a 'nice hot fucking cup of tea' for the rest of their days!)

Ron was staring up at the ceiling in a preoccupied manner, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say that he was thinking, because he actually was.

"Hermione?"

"Yes Ron?"

"I've been thinking…"

"Well, that's a nice change, but are you sure you want to be doing that after you've just had a concussion?"

"Huh? (Long pause) Yeah, well, I was thinking that ever since the beginning of school, all Harry has ever really said to me is 'What's the new password to the Prefects bathroom?'"

"Ron, that's not speculation, that's observation. And yes, I've noticed it too."

"Whatever; the point is; do you think we're being used?"

Meanwhile, back on the potty…  

As Harry had just managed to squeeze out the first stool, he heard a familiar voice which made the head of the newly emerging one shrink right back.

"Keep it down in there Potter; I'm trying to sleep in here! Why don't you wank in your own bloody common-room?!"   

"Because unlike –ungh- the Slytherins, we Gryffindors –arrrgh- have a sense of dignity and –aaaahh- self preservation!"

The end of this retort was marked with the voluminous sound of a large object hitting water, emanating from the cubicle next to Malfoy's.

"Yeah, pull the other one Potty! Self-preservation my arse! Unlike you goat-sucking little Gryffindors, the occupants of Slytherin house are real men with meat to match! Have you ever measured up against Pansy? Bet you have a tiny one Potter! I bet it's about the size of my little finger!"

Another one hits the pool. There was silence for a few seconds and when Harry did speak, he was very quiet. (This is not the bit where it gets fluffy by the way.)

"Malfoy, how long have you been sleeping here?"

"Umm…ever since I took my pants off. Why?"

"Do you live here?"

"Yeah, but so do you."

"No, I mean, in this bathroom."

"Maybe..."

There was another long pause, not even alleviated by the drop of a turd.

"Draco?"

"Yeah?"

 "Did you get kicked out of your house because your dick was too small?"

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AN: Ok peeps! That's all you're gettin' for free today! I know you can do better than four reviews. You guys had better feed my ego!!

To Cheezmunkies: Do you also believe in the toilet monster? Wow, I have found a kindred spirit. I guess this story goes out to you then.

Hey, guess what? My Dad came up just then and told me that he had fleas! No, seriously!

AS FOR THE REST OF YOU… you know what to do!