Chapter 2: Friends
Fin and Olivia were seated at a private booth near the windows. Fin ordered a bottle of wine and they looked over the menu. After a few minutes the waiter returned to take their order. Fin and Olivia didn't talk much during dinner, just a few words on how it was and tasting whatever the other had ordered. Fin asked Olivia things like what she liked to do when she wasn't at work, where she was from. He was trying to get to know her better even though they had worked together for 4 years. Olivia responded in kind. They finally left the restaurant around 11.
Fin drove Olivia back to her apartment and she invited him up for coffee. When they went upstairs Olivia told Fin to make himself comfortable while she made coffee.
~I wonder if she will understand what I'm going through. I need to talk to someone and I don't trust shrinks. Well I trust Huang, but not enough to actually talk to him about my personal issues. ~ Fin thought as he settled himself onto Olivia's couch. Olivia returned a few minutes later with coffee.
"Are you OK Fin? You didn't say much at dinner. You looked like you were about a million miles away." Olivia asked concerned, as she sat down next to him, handing him a cup.
"I don't Olivia. Why do you do our job day in and day out? How do you deal with what we see everyday and not break down? What keeps you going?" Fin asked, not looking at Olivia.
"Fin. Look at me Fin." Olivia ordered softly. "We do our job because we are there to help the people who have been violated. Everyone deals with it differently. I cope with it because I feel like I am doing something worth while. I feel like I can make up for what my father did to my mother, by putting away the scum like him. That's how I deal with it. That's what keeps me going. But there are other things too. You need someone to vent at, someone who understands what you go through to tell. You cant keep it all inside." Olivia answered as honestly as she could.
"I don't know who to talk to though. I feel like Munch will just give me that look and I'm not close enough to Elliot or the Captain to talk to them. I want to let it out but I cant." Fin looked down.
"Vent at me Fin. I'm here. I understand exactly what we see everyday. I know its hard. Tell me whatever you need to and I promise it wont go beyond this room. You have to let it out Fin or it will eat you up from the inside out."
"I don't know where to begin. I thought, when I came over from Narcotics, that I could handle it and that it wouldn't be much different. I was fine at first, a little shocked at the sick shit people do to each other. When we were working that case with the little girl who was missing, Suzy. That's when I started feeling like I was losing grip. I wanted so much to find her immediately and then Munch was just sitting there. I wanted to kill him. I feel like I cant do my job because I'm either on the verge or killing my partner or I'm so attached to the victim that I cant stop thinking about them. I don't know what to do Olivia. I have nightmares and I wake up in cold sweats just after simple cases. I cant seem to escape all the ones that we didn't save or couldn't help. I feel like I'm drowning and I know I know how to swim, I just cant get my arms and legs to work." Fin poured his heart out to Olivia.
"Everyone has nightmares Fin. God knows I do. I still wake up with cold sweats too. Its part of the job. I understand wanting to kill you partner, but that's just part of being partners. Fin its ok to think about the victim. If you stop thinking about the victim, you lose perspective on how the world works. You cant escape the lost one, the ones we couldn't help and that's OK. You just have to tell yourself that you tried you damnedest to save that others that could have been hurt or killed if you hadn't done what you did. I know its difficult to cope but you can. Just remember, we do out job to put a stop to that sick shit. Don't worry about drowning. Its part of our job too. When you get to the point where you realize you cant fight your demons then you learn to relax and float. You will either float or you will burn out. That's how it works Fin. There isn't anything else I can say." Olivia desperately hoped Fin would learn to float. If he burned out they would lose someone they all needed.
"Thank you Olivia. This helped. I think I will be OK. I just need a little time to think and talk with my demons. Thank you for the coffee." Olivia stood up when Fin did. She hugged him tightly.
"I'm here anytime you need someone to vent at." Fin returned her hug and nodded before heading out the door and home.
Fin and Olivia were seated at a private booth near the windows. Fin ordered a bottle of wine and they looked over the menu. After a few minutes the waiter returned to take their order. Fin and Olivia didn't talk much during dinner, just a few words on how it was and tasting whatever the other had ordered. Fin asked Olivia things like what she liked to do when she wasn't at work, where she was from. He was trying to get to know her better even though they had worked together for 4 years. Olivia responded in kind. They finally left the restaurant around 11.
Fin drove Olivia back to her apartment and she invited him up for coffee. When they went upstairs Olivia told Fin to make himself comfortable while she made coffee.
~I wonder if she will understand what I'm going through. I need to talk to someone and I don't trust shrinks. Well I trust Huang, but not enough to actually talk to him about my personal issues. ~ Fin thought as he settled himself onto Olivia's couch. Olivia returned a few minutes later with coffee.
"Are you OK Fin? You didn't say much at dinner. You looked like you were about a million miles away." Olivia asked concerned, as she sat down next to him, handing him a cup.
"I don't Olivia. Why do you do our job day in and day out? How do you deal with what we see everyday and not break down? What keeps you going?" Fin asked, not looking at Olivia.
"Fin. Look at me Fin." Olivia ordered softly. "We do our job because we are there to help the people who have been violated. Everyone deals with it differently. I cope with it because I feel like I am doing something worth while. I feel like I can make up for what my father did to my mother, by putting away the scum like him. That's how I deal with it. That's what keeps me going. But there are other things too. You need someone to vent at, someone who understands what you go through to tell. You cant keep it all inside." Olivia answered as honestly as she could.
"I don't know who to talk to though. I feel like Munch will just give me that look and I'm not close enough to Elliot or the Captain to talk to them. I want to let it out but I cant." Fin looked down.
"Vent at me Fin. I'm here. I understand exactly what we see everyday. I know its hard. Tell me whatever you need to and I promise it wont go beyond this room. You have to let it out Fin or it will eat you up from the inside out."
"I don't know where to begin. I thought, when I came over from Narcotics, that I could handle it and that it wouldn't be much different. I was fine at first, a little shocked at the sick shit people do to each other. When we were working that case with the little girl who was missing, Suzy. That's when I started feeling like I was losing grip. I wanted so much to find her immediately and then Munch was just sitting there. I wanted to kill him. I feel like I cant do my job because I'm either on the verge or killing my partner or I'm so attached to the victim that I cant stop thinking about them. I don't know what to do Olivia. I have nightmares and I wake up in cold sweats just after simple cases. I cant seem to escape all the ones that we didn't save or couldn't help. I feel like I'm drowning and I know I know how to swim, I just cant get my arms and legs to work." Fin poured his heart out to Olivia.
"Everyone has nightmares Fin. God knows I do. I still wake up with cold sweats too. Its part of the job. I understand wanting to kill you partner, but that's just part of being partners. Fin its ok to think about the victim. If you stop thinking about the victim, you lose perspective on how the world works. You cant escape the lost one, the ones we couldn't help and that's OK. You just have to tell yourself that you tried you damnedest to save that others that could have been hurt or killed if you hadn't done what you did. I know its difficult to cope but you can. Just remember, we do out job to put a stop to that sick shit. Don't worry about drowning. Its part of our job too. When you get to the point where you realize you cant fight your demons then you learn to relax and float. You will either float or you will burn out. That's how it works Fin. There isn't anything else I can say." Olivia desperately hoped Fin would learn to float. If he burned out they would lose someone they all needed.
"Thank you Olivia. This helped. I think I will be OK. I just need a little time to think and talk with my demons. Thank you for the coffee." Olivia stood up when Fin did. She hugged him tightly.
"I'm here anytime you need someone to vent at." Fin returned her hug and nodded before heading out the door and home.
