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Cherry Waterfall
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a Neon Genesis Evangelion fan fic

By: Hatti Lee*
Also known as:
Saiyajin Peach
Saiyajin Peach 18
Amalthea*
Beloved Animosity

Contact: Beloved_Animosity@sbcglobal.net

Started: 10.2.3


Pairing: Shinji X Kaworu

Author's Notes: More angst/sorrow... Again, don't be discouraged. I plan for this fic to (in one way or another) have a happy ending. Sorry if that spoiled it for any of you! Heh heh... Anyway, enjoy! ^_^

Warnings: This is a yaoi fic, which means it contains intimacy between two males. If you're uncomfortable with that, I suggest you turn back now. Also, this fic will most likely contain violence, language, and graphic sexual content. If you're underage, please turn back now. You've been warned!

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion and its characters are not my own, and I'm making absolutely nothing off of this. So, please don't sue me!!!

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Chapter XIII: Depression
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Asuka:

Hours pass and I'm bored as hell. It seems my guards feel the same way, for as I rise and wander outside the little glass office, they don't protest. Instead, they follow me as I roam about the large room. I don't understand half the machines and computers I see all about, and I certainly don't understand the strange codes and letters on all the papers strewn about.

My guards suddenly straighten up and begin escorting me back to the office. I glance around to find that doctors and scientists are returning. Once inside the office with the doors closed, I spot Ikari and a large crowd following him, and in the middle of that crowd... The Angel, and he sees me. Kami, he sees me!

I scream out and slap my hands to the door, pushing it open with unnecessary force. My guards are baffled and easily left behind. I jog over to the pale-haired boy, standing not five feet from him,

He smiles wide, There's no need. Please, give Shinji my love. I fear he will suffer more than I will.

The smile never fades as he's escorted to the back of the room and led through a hidden door I hadn't even noticed before. What have I done? Upon seeing the Angel, my first thought was fear. He had seen me and I was so sure he was going to mind fuck me to death. In a panic, I had raced over ready to apologize and beg. Then he smiled.


There's no need. Please, give Shinji my love. I fear he will suffer more than I will.


Oh, Shinji, what have I done?!

Thank you, Ms. Sohryu. Ikari's words break me from my thoughts and I look up to see that he's smirking, nearly smiling, down at me. My eyes go wide and I don't bother answering as I turn and race for the exit.

My patience barely holds during the ultimate test... The elevator ride down. I'm tapping my foot and biting my nails and pleading with Kami for it to move just slightly faster.

It dings and the doors open to the nice, shiny lobby. Many eyes turn to me, but I don't have time to throw them dirty looks. I've got to get home. I hurry towards the doors and yank them open myself.

Once on the street I stop to take a breath of fresh air. I look right, then left. There aren't any buses anywhere and I don't have enough money for a taxi. The nearest subway entrance is out of my way and I'm left with no choice by to walk, or rather, run. So I do just that.

When my building comes into sight, my cheeks are flushed and I'm breathing heavily. I jog across the street, lifting a hand to signal an oncoming car to wait. Though, it'd probably be deserving for it to hit me, pop my skull beneath it's tires like a melon, it waits.

Then I'm in an elevator again, ready to yank my hair out by the roots when the doors finally open to my floor. The apartment's quiet and dim. The hall light is off, and as I make my way into the lighted kitchen, I find that both Misato and Shinji are in the living room.

She's seated at one end of the couch, her head rolled back on her neck, her mouth open, a slight snore sounding now and then. Shinji's backs to me, so I'm not sure if he's awake or not. He's sitting unusually close to our guardian, his arms wrapped about her waist, his face pressed against her stomach, his legs curled up close, his knees leaning over to rest upon her lap.

I quietly step into the room, taking a seat on the nearest armchair. I can see now that Shinji's eyes are open, but minutes pass and he says nothing, gives no signal that he's noticed my presence.

And just when I'm about to rise and retreat to my room, he speaks up, It was you, wasn't it?

I slump back in the chair, my face down-turned,

His voice is so slight, and I find myself leaning forward in order to better hear.

I... I guess I was jealous. I'm still not sure I understand the love between the two of you, but I regretted it the moment I saw him and he spoke...

Shinji interrupts me, You saw him? He spoke? Was he okay? What did he say? Well, that got his attention. He's sitting up now, his eyes wide and alert, looking forward, directly at me, and I notice how horribly red they are.

The movement awakens Misato, and she leans forward groggily. I can tell by her expression that she hadn't fallen asleep with Shinji in such a position against her. Then her eyes fall on me, Asuka! When did you get here?

Just now. I mumble, detecting disappointment in her tone.

Asuka, please... How was he? What did he say?

I sigh, leaning back and willing my eyes not to water up, Well, he seemed okay. When he saw me he smiled really big and told me to give you his love and that he's worried you're going to suffer more than he will.

I'm a bit surprised as his eyes instantly begin spilling forth unnatural amounts of tears, Kami, what am I going to do?

Misato wraps her arms around him and pulls him close. She tried her best to comfort him as he begins rocking, sobs racking his body as he moans horribly. The display nearly has me crying and I notice that it has the same effect on Misato.

I... I'm sorry, Shinji. I whisper, rising to escape to the solitude of my room.

...........................


Misato:

Please, you've got to calm down. Minutes pass and finally Shinji begins to do just that. I was more than surprised to wake and find Asuka there. I was angry at first, but I think I hid it well. She seemed truly sorry and now I can't understand why I was mad at her. The poor girl has suffered just as much as the rest of us.

You want me to fix you something? I ask, raking my fingers through his short, thick hair.

He shakes his head, pulling away only slightly to rub at his eyes, I think I'm going to take a shower. He whispers.

I smile encouragingly, Sure, go ahead. I'm going to eat something, I'll make enough for you in case you're hungry when you get out, okay?

He nods and rises before heading off toward the bathroom in nothing more than a pair of boxer shorts. The poor thing. I never could understand Shinji's mourning process.

I do just as I said I would. My task is easy since I resort to instant ramen. Nearly and hour has passed and I've long since finished my meal as well as three beers. I wonder if maybe he's drowned himself or maybe discovered my razor and how to remove the blade. I shutter and rise, moving to place the leftover ramen in the refrigerator for later. Still, I can't get the thoughts from my mind... I've never seen Shinji so close to suicide and I can't help but worry. Just as I'm about to go and check on him, he emerges from the hall in a T-shirt and boxers, his hair dripping wet.

Hey, I was getting worried. I say through a smile, I fixed enough ramen for you, want me to get it out?

He just shakes his head.

I nod in understanding, Okay. Would you like to get some sleep then?

He nods and I notice his eyes are watering up, But... Misato...?

I step closer,

He looks up at me and I can tell he's forcing back tears, Can I sleep with you?

My eyes go soft and I can't help but comply,

I'm sorry it's a bit messy. I chuckle as we step into my cluttered room. The futon's positioned in the middle of the room much like a nest and I blush in embarrassment. I move to fix the bed and kick my clothes out of the way so he might be able to about.

Go ahead and make yourself comfortable. I'm going to go change. I'll be right back. I say as I grab some clothes and head for the bathroom. Said room is steamy as I enter, the mirrors all fogged up. I can tell Shinji had taken a bath rather than a shower, and I'm glad. Anything to soothe his soul and wash away his worries will help. I discard my clothes and toss them in a corner. Instead of sleeping in my usual panties and a tank top, I pull on a T-shirt and a pair of decent shorts.

Upon returning to my bedroom, I find that Shinji's already under the covers, a wet spot forming on the pillow around his head.

Ready for lights out? I ask, my hand going to the light switch. He nods and darkness fills the room. I make my way over to the bed without trouble, having long since memorized my room. I climb beneath the covers and already I can fell his body heat. A few minutes pass while I lie and think, and then I feel him shifting, moving closer.



I turn to face him though I can't see a thing, I ask.

Can I touch you? His voice is slight and ashamed and oh so sorrowful. Yet I can't just say yes to such a question.

What do you mean? I ask, hesitant and a little unsure as to what exactly's going on in his head.

He doesn't answer though, instead moving closer, the length of his body pressing against mine, his arms going around my waist, his head resting against the crook of my neck. Though he's thin, I realize he's taller now and most obviously more sure of himself. The position is most definitely a sexual one. I can recall nights when Kaji held me in just such a way after a bout of wondrous sex, but this is Shinji and it's hard for me to imagine that this is the same boy I've always known.

His hold tightens slightly, not uncomfortably, I'm sorry... I just... I've gotten used to going to sleep with... Someone. His voice hitches a tad and I sense that he's worried I'll push him away.

I turn somewhat and wrap my arms around his narrow frame, Don't worry. I don't mind. I whisper. Strange... Somewhere along the way, my boy became a man.

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Shinji:

Three days have come and gone and I feel like road kill, like a walking, talking zombie. I'm glad Misato's letting me skip school for a while. I can't imagine going to that place now. I know she's worried about me. When she's home, she stays with me all the time, and while she's at work, she calls every thirty minutes to ask if I'm okay. I don't really mind it. In a weird way, it makes life bearable.

Asuka was ridden with guilt the first day. She seemed to be constantly throwing me glances filled with apologies in them. Now she's either avoiding me or trying to talk into me. I think she's gotten flat out frustrated with me, but I can't help it and honestly, I don't care.

All I can think about is Kaworu. I've had the same dream since that night... I'm alone in a room, searching for my Angel. There's no furniture or doors or anything and I can obviously see he's not there. Still, I roam about searching and searching. Then, I turn, and there he is, smiling, like he'd been there the whole time. I make eye contact with him and then... I wake up.

I haven't eaten hardly anything since then either. Mostly junk food and such when no one's home. I really don't want to eat at all, and it's Misato's belief that I don't, but for some reason I feel a need to keep myself alive still.

Kaworu said I need to die when he does in order for us to be together forever, but I don't know how I'm supposed to know when he dies, and this is the cause for much of my stress. I just keep telling myself that I'll know when the time comes. I just hope that's true. Not to mention courage... I pray I have enough courage.

I'm stretched out on Misato's futon when I hear the front door open and close. I suspect it's Asuka getting home from school, but glancing at Misato's digital clock, I notice that school's not yet over. Then I remember the violet-haired woman mentioning something about heading out for a moment to get some groceries.

Shinji, I'm home! She calls. I sigh and pull myself up. I find her in the kitchen putting things away.

I got some caramelized sweet potatoes on the way home. I remember you saying you liked them before. She says, scooting a little foam box across the table towards me. I take a seat and watch as she finishes putting everything away. I open the little box and breath in the sweet scent.

I watch as Misato gathers all the empty bags and opens a drawer in order to shove them in with the others. Her expressions becomes confused and she digs into the drawer, pulling forth a bag that obviously has something still in it. Her features soften and she closes the drawer with her hip as she removes a somewhat large tube from the bag.

My eyes widen. I recognize such a tube, What's that? I ask forgetting the sweet potatoes.

That day... Kaworu went shopping with me. He asked if we could stop somewhere and buy it... I guess we forgot and it got left in the bag... She says it all in a near whisper as she comes close, placing the tube in my hand.

It's the same brand of lubricant we'd gotten the first time, except this one's supposed to be flavored. I can't read much more on the label as my eyes begin to water. My fingers close around the tube, gripping it as if trying to grip a life I once lived, a life that slipped away from my grasp. I turn and head for the comfort of Misato's bed and thick covers.

Shinji, don't you want these? She calls and I turn slightly to see that she's holding the box of sweet potatoes.

I shake my head, wiping at a few stray tears, I'm not hungry.

The futon is a mess, yet it's still a warm welcome. It seems that I'm constantly cold lately, and yet, at the same time, I don't care enough to dress warmer.

I wipe furiously at my eyes, urging them to clear enough to enable me to read the label of the tube in my hand. Strawberry flavored. I smile as the red lettering catches my attention. I unscrew the cap and breath in the scent... Kaworu had chosen this specifically for us. Again my eyes are watering and I curse them.

My stomach churns and I wonder if maybe its digesting itself from the inside out. Is such a death possible? Would the stomach, if refused nourishment long enough, start consuming itself as well as other organs? I highly doubted it, but for some strange reason, the thought appealed to me and it lingered.

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Asuka:

Something sweet catches my senses as I step through the door, Misato? Are you cooking? I ask as I enter the kitchen.

She sighs, Huh? Oh, hi Asuka. No... I just bought Shinji some of those caramelized sweet potatoes from that vendor near my office, but... He didn't want them.

I drop my bag to the floor as I slide into a chair, pulling the little foam box close, You don't mind do you? I ask, chopsticks poised, the delicious treat halfway to my mouth before I even think to ask.

She shakes her head, No, go ahead. They'll go to waste otherwise.

He's still not eating? I say through a mouthful, sincerely concerned.

Again, she shakes her head, No, I don't know what else to do.

I lean back in my seat, the box already half empty, I've apologized a thousand times. I talked to him again yesterday.

Misato looks up at me rather suddenly, Her tone is one of disappointment, What did you say?

Don't look at me like that! I just asked what was wrong with him! My tone is defensive as I stuff another potato in my mouth.

Her expression softens somewhat, And... What did he say?

Hm? Oh, he muttered something about waiting to die or something. I just don't understand, and he's making me so crazy. It's like... I just wish he'd either get better or go on and kill himself. I'm so stressed out.

Asuka! Don't be so selfish! She practically growls at me and I know I've pushed my limits. In all honesty though, it's how I feel. Of course I still care about Shinji! I love him! I just can't stand his wimpy, whiny attitude sometimes.

I've finished my little snack and now I sit frowning. I'm being way harsh about all this, and I know it. I'm taking my anger and frustrations out on him. I can't handle that all this is really all my fault. Sighing, I rise from my seat, grabbing my stuff, and turning to retreat to my room.

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Misato:

Dinner comes and goes. Asuka and I ate quietly, and now that all the dishes are clean and put away, I decide to get some sleep. I have to be at work early.

I open the door to find that the lights are off, I whisper, reaching out and flipping the light switch.

He's lying there tangled in the blankets. His eyes are closed and I'm fairly sure he's asleep. Lately he's been having trouble getting to sleep, and I'm thankful to see him this way. He so needs his rest.

I step into the corner and quickly shimmy out of my clothes, pulling on a spaghetti strap top and a pair of loose, cotton pajama bottoms. Gently, I maneuver the covers so that there's plenty for me, careful not to wake Shinji. I then turn out the light and crawl into bed. Instantly, he's moving close, cuddling up with me, wrapping his arms about my waist, resting his head against my chest. Even in his sleep he yearns for the comfort of Kaworu's embrace. The thought breaks my heart. Something has to be done.

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I crawled out of Shinji's arms in the morning, leaving him and Asuka asleep as I quietly left for work. I've always hated mornings, but today I'm a little anxious. I have an idea.

I get to work ten minutes early and meet Kaji at our break spot. The picnic benches are still moist from the night's dew, so we both remain standing, I was thinking you could come over for dinner tonight. I want you to help me talk to Shinji. I mean, if you don't mind that is.

He smiles, brushing a few stray violet strands out of my eyes, You know I don't mind. I'm as concerned about Shinji as you are.

I can't help but smile, Great, cause he's only getting worse.

His smile droops, What can I say to help though? It's almost like there's nothing else we can do.

Well, I was wondering if you could find out what's going on with Kaworu. Maybe if he knew that Kaworu was doing well, you know... I say, hoping he'll understand. After all, if I do say so myself, it's a brilliant plan. A smile touches my lips as I look up at my lover, only to see that he's frowning.

Sounds great and all, Katsuragi, but it's likely Kaworu isn't doing so well at all. I'm fairly sure that once they're through with all their tests and examinations, he'll be destroyed.

My face goes pale. Of course, what was I thinking? I was once a member of Nerv. How could I forget that when it comes to limits of cruelty, Gendo Ikari has none? I sigh, rubbing my temples as I try to think something through, Well, maybe... Maybe you could just lie to him.

Are you serious? Kaji asks, anger slight in his voice, but there none the less.

I sigh again, keeping my eyes from his, looking, rather, to his shoes and their laces, He... He thinks he has to die the moment Kaworu dies. He's only keeping himself alive until that moment comes. He's not eating, he sleeps all day, and... Kami, he's so depressed. I feel a hand on my shoulder and another on my chin, gentle pressure lifting my gaze.

My eyes meet with Kaji's and I see understanding there, I'll see what I can find out, but I'm not lying to him.

I smile, also understanding, So, you're coming to dinner then?

He nods, Wouldn't miss it. If anything, perhaps the company will cheer him up.

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Kaworu:

My cell is small. The walls are white as well as the ceiling and cold, tile floor. High in one corner there is a camera watching my every movement, it doesn't bother me much. There is a single, window-less door with multiple locks. Beyond that there's a just-as-white hallway with another multiple-locking door. Beyond that there are constantly four guards, two with chairs, two standing, switching off every four hours or so. And just passed the guards lies a massive room, also just as white, but not nearly so lonely. This room is filled with people and computers and desks and every scientific instrument known to man. Not to mention, there's also a cold, metal table that I find more than uncomfortable, my flesh having long since grown accustomed to warmth. The table, as well as a stiff, metal chair some feet away, is made with horrible restraints. I'm constantly restrained. Even now, sitting alone in my cell, my wrists are bound together and ankles chained.

I lie back, staring up at the ceiling. The bed is a mass of metal with a single blanket draped over it. That's it, and oh how I miss Shinji's body against mine. I haven't slept since I got here and I wonder if my eyes are any redder than normal.

They've provided me with a toilet in the corner, but other than that, the room is bare. Three times a day I'm offered trays with perfectly fine meals upon them, but each time I simply can't bring myself to take even a single bite. Perhaps it's depression, perhaps I'm trying to hurry death in order to see my beloved again, I honestly don't know for sure.

They ask me endless questions and I answer now and then, almost as an afterthought sometimes. Some days I can't hear them and mostly I simply prefer not to answer. There are things in which the Lilim are not meant to know, with the exception of my Shinji.

I find myself often thinking of that wind that day, the day I last saw my love. There are no things of nature here for me to persuade. No sunlight, no wind, no earth, no animals or vegetation... Nothing. Still, when I'm left alone in my room like I am now. I try to manipulate my thoughts in order to send Shinji some sort of soothing image. I so desperately want him to know how very much I love him.

I hear jingling in the distance and I know they're coming for me again. The sounds of boots on tile, the jingling again... Keys in the locks of my door. I sit up, pivoting and placing my bare feet on the chilled floor. Two men enter, both broad shouldered, strong men in white slacks and dress shirts. Not doctors. No, not educated at all.

I'm wearing a white, button-up shirt much like those Shinji wears to school, except of a much thinner material, almost transparent, and a pair of white drawstring pants made of the same flimsy fabric.

Buddy, you think you can at least keep yourself dressed? The shorter of the two men says, his voice suggesting I'm too stupid for my own good. The corner of my mouth twitches upwards. True, my shirt is only halfway buttoned and my pants are barely hanging on my hips, the legs bunched at my ankles, the hems dragging the floor, but I don't care.

The man's brows furrow and he eyes me oddly, dropping the matter and taking hold of my left upper arm, the other man taking hold of my right. I have bruises there from this daily, unnecessarily rough action, but I don't wince. The many pains inflicted upon me are nothing compared to the pain inside. I want nothing more than to be joined with Shinji again. I can feel deep within myself that he needs me.

Fucking faggot. The man on my left mutters under his breath. I hear none of it, I just don't care. I can think of nothing but my lover.

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Shinji:

I'm alone in a strange room, yet somehow, in the back of my brain, I recognize it. The walls are glowing white, I can barely see. I'm searching for my Angel, I just know he's here somewhere. I spot a dull, flat bed against one wall and a toilet in the corner. I don't remember those being there before. My thoughts leave me though as I feel a presence behind me. I'm hopeful as I turn, and sure enough, standing there before my eyes is Kaworu. My hope fades though as I read his expressionless features. Something's wrong. I step forward, but I don't make any progress. I call out to him, but there's no sound. He tilts his head and speaks, I love you. I stop and look into his eyes. Red, red eyes... Red like a pool of blood. Then he smiles,

I bolt upright, my face wet with tears as I tear at the sheets and blankets about me. Finally, I'm free and I hurry out of Misato's room and down the hall. I stop in front of my bedroom door, leaning my forehead against its cool surface. The dream... The dream was different. Before, there had been no furniture in the room, and Kaworu never before spoke in the dream.

Red like a pool of blood.

My eyes go wide and fresh tears burst forth. My strength seeps from me and I slump to the floor, sobs racking my exhausted body. No! I don't want to die, and I don't want Kaworu to die! Yet, I know that if Kaworu dies, then so shall I, no questions asked. The pain tears at my insides like a rabid dog, and I can think of nothing except ridding myself of this horrid pain.

I push myself to my feet and head for the bathroom. I spot a strand of long red hair dangling from the counter. Asuka's at school no doubt. I reach forward and open the drawer Misato uses. Her razor is silver and modern, yet old styled, and it's a snap to remove the double-sided blade. I tuck the razor back in its place and close the door as I turn and head back for my room.

Cold air greets me as I open the door. I haven't been in here since that night we left to sleep upstairs. The memory pains me and I'm reminded of my intentions.

I step inside, close the door, and turn on the lights. Everything's been rummaged through and the place is a mess. My pain doubles to think that my father was here, searching for my true love in order to snatch him away from me.

I move to the bed and breathe deep of the pillow we shared. Try as I might, I can't make out my lover's scent. I fold my legs beneath me, leaning against the wall, staring at the blade in my hand. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to be distracted from the pain.

It's easier than I'd thought it'd be. At first I simply grazed the sharp edge over my skin. After about ten minutes I gain the courage to press down, only slightly. All that accomplished was painless scratches. So, I press harder. As much blood and guts and flesh as I've seen, I've never inspected it in such a way, and I'm amazed at the way the skin parts and the rest is like butter against the razor blade.

Several hours later, I was taking a shower, rinsing away the blood. I tucked the blade away in a drawer in my room for future purposes. It did its job well. My arms are littered with little nicks, scratches, and cuts, as are my thighs. I even cut a line diagonally across my stomach below my navel. No reason really, I was just curious if I bled the same way there. Of course, I did. The pain is still there, but for the moment it's dulled. Indeed, the blade did it's job well.

Now that my shower's done though, I find that I'm faced with a complex. Misato will surely freak to find me this way. I hurry back to my room at the sound of the front door opening and quickly dig through my drawers. I pull on a long sleeve shirt and a pair of striped pajama pants. I then hurry back out and close the door behind me.

...........................

To be continued...