BY Haru Haruhara (Kagome0803@aol.com)
& Makaveli (makaveli_580@hotmail.com)
[Makaveli: ...Hey! Why do you get underlined?!
Haru: Because I'm more special.
Makaveli: Special Ed, sure.
Haru: ...Shut up. You're stupid.
Makaveli: Alright, you just lost your underline.]
A Mediocre Tekken Christmas Fanfic
By Haru Haruhara (Kagome0803@aol.com)
& Makaveli (makaveli_580@hotmail.com)
A/n: Thank you to all the people that reviewed.
Disclaimer: Uh-uh, still don't own the rights to Tekken.
Chapter Two-The Tree of Puniness
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"Uh. well. I kind of wanted-" Jin started.
"Listen to your mother, Jin! You should always listen to your elders. Why, in my day, I had to do everything for my father. I had to brush his teeth. I had to wash, dry, iron, and lay out his clothes in the morning. Sometimes, I even had to give him sponge-baths!" Heihachi, who had been passing by, stopped and started to lecture Jin.
Jin and Hwoarang both stared at Heihachi like this: O_o.
"Uh, yeah, sure, we'll get it Mrs. Kazama," Hwoarang said, not wanting to hear anything else Heihachi had to do for his father.
"Why thank you Hwoarang! You're such a good kid! ^_^" Jun said.
Jin and Hwoarang both opened the door and walked out.
"JINNY! Get back here!" Jun yelled.
"What? What is it?" Jin asked, walking all the way back into the foyer.
"You'll catch a cold, dear! That's nearly not enough to keep you warm!" Jun responded.
"Well, what more do I need?" Jin asked.
"Well," Jun pulled off his jacket, "you need this," she pulled a thermal undershirt over his shirt, "and this," she pulled a thick wool long-sleeved turtleneck over it, "and this," she slid his arms into a flannel shirt and buttoned it up for him, "and this, of course," she slipped his jacket back on.
"I feel fat. And ugly," Jin said.
"Oh, and you can't forget this," Jun managed to fit her son into a big puffy jacket. "And definitely not this." She wrapped a scarf around him. "And these." With the utmost motherly care, she positioned a pair of earmuffs around his head, careful not to disturb his hair. "And of course this!" She plopped a Russian-style fur hat on his head.
Hwoarang peeked into the room and busted up laughing.
"What about Hwoarang? Doesn't he have to get bundled up like me too?" Jin whined, voice muffled to an almost not-interpretable degree.
"Oh, no, I'm sure he's fine aren't you Hwoarang?" Jun responded beamingly.
"Mm-hmm!" Hwoarang smiled pleasantly back at her.
Jin mumbled unintelligible curses under his breath, thankful the layers of clothing were blocking the words out from his mother's ears. Hwoarang snickered and the two of them walked into the foyer.
"Wait! You're getting the trees?" Kazuya walked up to the two of them.
"Uh-huh, we sure are Mr. Mishima," Hwoarang responded.
"Here's some cash to pay for it." Kazuya shoved a wad of cash into Hwoarang's hand. Hwoarang looked down like $_$ Cha-CHING! "Now get your scrawny asses out of here!" Kazuya pushed them out of the door.
"Okay, okay, we're going! Geez!" Jin said, although nobody could understand him.
"AND MAKE SURE YOU GET A GOOD ONE, DAMMIT!" Kazuya yelled after them, slamming the door. Jin and Hwoarang exchanged a look and shrugged.
And so, Jin and Hwoarang walked fifteen miles below zero through approximately three feet of snow to the local Wal-Mart® to look for a good Christmas tree.
"Geez! It's almost party time. I didn't think it'd take that long just to get to the Wal-Mart®!" Jin exclaimed.
"Well, we walked in -15°F through 3'2" of snow to get here. Of course it's going to take long!"
"Wow! How'd you get the degree-sign thingie to show up?" Jin wanted to know.
"Well, since I'm the Hwoarang, I demanded a salary three times more than yours and uber-formatted speech."
".salary? What? I don't get paid for this."
"Three times. more than zero. 3 x 0. DAMMIT! 3 x 0 = 0!"
"Haha. You deserved that, asshole," Jin snickered at him.
"Just look for the damn tree, bizzle," Hwoarang growled at him.
"Okay, dizzle." Jin looked around. "Hmm. well what do you think, Hwoarang?"
"I think it's pretty damn weird that the stupid bear followed you out here," Hwoarang responded, nodding his head towards Kuma, who was rubbing his "lower back" on one of the Christmas trees.
"We're supposed to be getting a Christmas tree. Which one do you think?" Jin asked, gesturing towards the sea of aluminum trees.
Behind the two teens, full-grown men and women were running away from the sight of Kuma crawling around the tree lot. A little girl no older than four ran towards Kuma, thinking of it as a huge stuffed teddy bear, and her father scooped her up and ran off yelling at the girl, who promptly burst into tears. A Wal-Mart® employee shot at Kuma with tranquilizer darts. The bear dodged them all, ran at the employee and knocked her down with one back-handed swipe with his paw.
"You think maybe, this one?" Jin pointed to a pink tree. Hwoarang knocked his fist against it, making a hollow ping noise.
"Nah, it seems kind of. feminine."
"Yeah, that's a good point. This silver one would be kinda cool, right?"
Animal control then arrived in a white truck that possessed a striking resemblance to a police paddy wagon. Two men then stepped out of the truck with butterfly nets, looking determined. Kuma let out a booming roar and the two men threw their nets and ran off screaming like brownie scouts.
"I don't know, maybe. What kind of lights would we be putting on it?" Hwoarang walked around it carefully to thoroughly inspect the tree.
"Multicolor. Y'know, the kind that blink to the tune to Christmas songs?"
"Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. No. That'd look horrible. Too Las Vegas," Hwoarang responded.
"Man, why does Wal-Mart® have so many aluminum trees? What about a regular good ol' fashioned LIVING tree?" Jin wondered out loud.
"I hate to eavesdrop, but it's common sense Wal-Mart isn't going to have them," a voice intruded on their conversation. Jin and Hwoarang both turned to see Julia.
"Hey! You have to say the ® at the end of Wal-Mart®!" Jin said.
"No I don't. Wal-Mart is an evil corporation. They chop down millions of trees every year, but they all go to EMPLOYEES! WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE, MAN?! WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE?!" Julia exclaimed.
"..." Jin and Hwoarang looked at each other like O_o.
Unnoticed by Jin, Hwoarang, and Julia, the cops pulled up to the lot and took cover behind their cars. One of them pulled out a megaphone.
"MR. BEAR! THIS-IS-THE-POLICE! IF IT WOULDN'T OFFEND YOU IN ANY WAY, WOULD YOU PRETTY PLEASE COME OUT WITH YOUR ARMS. err. FRONT PAWS IN THE AIR?!"
Kuma let out another roar. The cop with the megaphone had a quick huddle with his colleagues.
"WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! PLEASE COME OUT WITH YOUR FRONT PAWS IN THE AIR AND WALK SLOWLY TOWARDS US!! IF YOU DON'T DO IT, WE'LL BE FORCED TO ASK YOU AGAIN!"
Kuma stood up with his paws in the air and walked over. The police sighed with relief, and one of them walked over to arrest the bear, pulling out some 6X handcuffs (XXXXXXL for those idiots who don't know any better). Just when the officer went to make the arrest, Kuma bit down on his head and ripped it off, squirting blood everywhere. Kuma then started to eat the rest of the man as the other cops all ran off screaming for their lives.
"HOLY SHIT! RUN FOR IT, THE BEAR'S FRIGGIN' INSANE!" yelled one of them at the top of his lungs.
"And anyways, IT'S WRONG TO CHOP DOWN TREES FOR YOUR STUPID PAGAN RITUAL!!" Julia screamed at the two boys.
"Uh, Julia, 'pagan' means 'worshipping many gods.' Christmas is a Christian thing, and Christians only worship one god," Jin pointed out.
"Yeah. I thought you were supposed to be smart? I mean, geez, if Kazama can correct you, you must not be all that smart."
Julia and Jin both frowned at Hwoarang. He shrugged. "Don't you have some frogs to save somewhere or something?"
"Oh, I see how it is now! Well, WAL-MART SUCKS ANYWAYS YOU JACKASS, TARGET TOTALLY OWNS IT!" Julia ran off crying, going around the pool of blood gathering around the feasting Kuma.
"Well, let's keep looking," said Jin, and the two of them assuredly did thusly. (Did that even make any sense?)
Kuma looked up as a SWAT team dropped down from a helicopter, with AK-47s, AR-15's and other such weapons and surrounded him.
"GIVE IT UP NOW, BEAR! You'll never win against THE GOVERNMENT!!" one of the men said, getting up close and personal with Kuma, poking him with the barrel of the AR-15. Kuma growled and the man passed out from fright.
The other SWAT team members either scattered or started shooting. Kuma, defying all logic of gravity and other such things, dodged them like he was that hacker guy from that one movie (three guesses on what I'm talking about! ^_^). Suddenly there was a series of empty-sounding clicks as the shooters ran out of ammo. Kuma gave a bear-smirk and ran towards them, starting to dismember and consume one of them, sending the others. you guessed it, running off screaming.
"Hey! Here's a real one!" Jin called over to Hwoarang, who walked over. The two of them looked at the tree.
"It's kind of. small."
"I don't care. It's real, isn't it?"
"It's kind of. puny."
"Well, it's the only one that's still alive."
"Wow! I know why you like it! It's just like you!" said Hwoarang with fake enthusiasm. Jin frowned at him, picked it up and stomped off to pay for it. Hwoarang laughed at his own joke until Jin came back with a receipt and a tree. Kuma, stopped eating the ill-fated SWAT man in the background, did the Snoopy dance, being victorious over the authorities.
"Kuma, c'mon boy, time to go home!" he called to his grandfather's bear. Kuma obediently stopped and crawled back over to Jin and Hwoarang.
"Good bear. Maybe Grandpa will let you eat some red meat today, huh?" Jin reached down to pet the bear, then pulled his hand away. "Eww, you got red stuff on you, Kuma." He leaned down and wiped his hand on the snow, and walked off with Hwoarang and Kuma.
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Makaveli: ...Kind of an odd ending spot, but ehhh... oh well.
Haru: You're the one who rewrote it into story format, so it's YOUR fault.
Makaveli: Ohh, whatEVER.
Haru: Okay. Now please, everyone review. We get a donation for each review.
Makaveli: $_$ We do?! I WANT SOME OF THAT MONEY!!
Haru: No. You see, people, the money goes to the doctors. One day they hope to find out what's wrong with Makaveli's brain.
Makaveli: Wha--HEY!!
Haru: What? You like... rock music *makes face*, so there must be something wrong with you.
Makaveli: .........
Haru: So review. Please. *grabs Makaveli* For her sake.
Makaveli: Oh, thank you very much, you're so generous.
Haru: I know. ^_^
