Tourniquet

By Cursed Pearl

Chapter One

Rating: Young Adult

~~~~~~~~~~

One. Sephy
~~~~~~~~~

My lips moved and I sang. The lyrics threatened to blurt out of my lips in a messy, hoarse mutter. But I couldn't mess up this one. Not this time. Not another gig. My eyes squeezed shut for a moment, blocking out the disapproving faces of the people before me, before flicking open again within seconds. I continued to sing the soft melody. I should be used to this by now. It had been eight years since I'd began singing. Eight long, cruel years. Nine years to this day that…

I pushed the thought out of my head; my voice shook a little, stumbling a little over the lines.

Don't mess this one up, Sephy.

I tried not to look at any one Cross for too long a time. It'd been so long since I'd performed in a Cross Club. So long since I'd even been in the same room as another of my own kind. I stumbled over the words again, and for a moment the words disappeared as my mind went black. I missed out a line. I forced myself to concentrate, picking up from the beginning of the next line.

I could see the way they looked at me. I know what they think of me. It doesn't matter. I need the money. My daughter's at home, she needs the money. She has a school trip coming up. Her heart's set on it.

I can't let her down. I've let her down too much.

The last word of the song slipped from my lips. I let my eyes rest on a few people in the crowd, before scanning over the faces. Some people in the audience applauded. Others, many, just stared back at me. Some faces shone with pity, other shone with distain. I spoke into the microphone, my voice stronger than I'd expected it to be. I thanked them for listening, before I turned and left. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be at home. I wanted my daughter.

I want a lot of things.

I looked back at my audience, as I made my way off the stage.

I don't want their pity. I don't want to be hated.

~~

There was a brief knock on the door, before Mr Parvel walked into the changing room. I turned from the mirror to look at him. He held up the brown envelope. I stood and took it from him, 'Thank you.' I paused for a moment before I opened the envelope and counted the notes it contained.

'I assure you, Miss Hadley,' Mr Parvel's voice made me pause, before I continued to count the money, 'that you will find the right amount.'

He was right. £90 as we'd agreed earlier. I looked up at him smiled and nodded, 'Thanks, Mr Parvel.' I turned and pushed the brown envelope deep into my handbag. I frowned when I realised he continued to stand behind me. I turned to face him.

'Miss Hadley, you have a wonderful voice,' he began. My heart pounded. I knew that tone. I knew what he was about to say. I've heard it all before. 'However, your stage performance lacked the ability to capture the...'

'It's all right,' I interrupted him. I didn't really want to here another excuse. Another excuse to add to the list I'd began to make in my head. 'I understand completely.' I lifted my jacket from the back of the chair, my hand shook slightly. It was nothing to the way I was shaking on the inside. I was no stranger to rejection.

I want my daughter. 

I forced him a smile and held out my hand. He took it and shook it. 'Thank you, sir. I appreciate that you let me sing here tonight.' He merely nodded at me. Keeping hold of my composure, I walked by him and headed to the door. I could feel his eyes on my back. Sympathy seemed to be seeping from him. The atmosphere full of it. The walls radiated it.

I don't want your pity.

~~

I pushed the door to the house open, then made my way into the living room. I wasn't surprised at the scene before me. Meggie was sat on the armchair at the far side of the room, a book held in her hand. My daughter, Rose, lay on her stomach with a coloured pencil in her hand. She was roughly colouring the picture she had before her. I feel a smile tug at my lips, as life seemed to fill me. My life. My family. I pushed the door shut. Only at that sound did the two of them react.

'Mummy!' Rose was on her feet in an instant at her side, her arms tightly around my waist. I hug her tight. Too tight. She struggled against me. And I remember that day almost seven years ago. The day she had died in my arms…almost. Meggie had saved her life. She didn't know how. But she had saved her. I loosed my arms.

'I got a B!' Rose told me happily, before she turned and ran from the room. I kept my eyes on the door where she'd just left.

'How was it, Sephy?' Meggie's voice interrupted my thoughts.

I turned to look at her. I forced a smile and nodded, 'It was fine.' I reached into my bag and pulled out the brown envelope, 'I can afford another £40 of my half…'

'Sephy, that's all right,' Meggie interrupted me. I looked at her for a moment, openly frowning at her. 

I don't like charity. I don't like her feeling, knowing, that I can't afford the £300 a month we'd agreed on. I pulled out two twenty-pound notes and cross the room, thrusting them into her hand.

'No it's not,' I respond, 'I have another gig on Friday. I've agreed to get £120 for that one and then I shall be able to pay the rest of my half for this month.' I sit down on the couch.

Before Meggie can argue, Rose runs back into the room. I smile at her as she hurried over; she jumped onto the couch and held out a piece of paper in front of me. The same paragraph I had helped her write on Slavery the night before. A 'B' was written boldly at the top of the page. I looked into the beaming face of my daughter and smiled. I kissed her forehead, 'Well done, Sweetheart.'

She grinned at me, tipped her head forward, which caused her dark hair to fall forward to frame her face. Her eyes. His eyes. 

'I think it's time someone got to bed,' Meggie spoke up. I looked at her, then back at Rose, who had just finished a tired yawn. I smiled at her, lovingly, before I stood up.

'Come on, Rose, say goodnight to Grandma,' I told her, as I made my way towards the stairs.

I heard and exaggerated kissing sound behind me and then a laugh as she and Meggie said goodnight. They whispered to each other for a moment, before Rose hurried after me. She ran past me up the stairs. I smiled as I watch her. I love her so much.

Within a few moments, I sat down on the mattress next to my daughter, who was lying on her back, looking up at me with her deep blue eyes. I smiled at her and she immediately smiled back at me. 'How did the gig go, Mummy?'

My smile faltered slightly as I remembered it, but I forced the smile to stay intact, 'It was wonderful, Rose. Why do you ask?'

'I heard you and Grandma talkin',' she told her quietly, 'I know they're bad to you. They're bad to me. They try to hurt me sometimes too. Do they hurt you, Mummy?'

I frowned at her, 'Who's trying to hurt you, Sweetheart?'

'Blankers,' her eyes were wide with innocence as they looked into mine and her voice was barely above a whisper. The innocence in her voice didn't stop my stomach from churning, sickeningly, my heart was in my throat, my blood roared in my ears and my eyes threatened to fill with tears.

'Don't you ever, EVER say that again, do you understand me, young lady?!' my voice started quiet, but the volume increased rapidly. I watched my daughter move away from me. She looked frightened. She never looked frightened. She'd never looked at me like that before.

'You must promise me you'll never, ever use that word again. Promise me.' His words echoed in my head.

'Mummy…' Rose whimpered, tears in her eyes.

Before I could reach for her, Meggie burst into the room. We both turned to look at her. 'What's going on in here?' Meggie seemed to take in the frightened for of my daughter and then my own shaken form.

I hesitated for a moment before I turned to look at Rose. I reached over and gently brushed the strands of hair from her face, my hand caressed her cheek. I smiled at her softly and then leaned forward, my lips pressing against my daughter's warm cheek. I was relieved when I felt her arms wrap around my neck and hug me tightly. So tightly. I caressed the back of her hair and whispered softly against her ear, 'Mummy's sorry, Sweetheart. I love you.'

A brief silence followed before she responded, 'I love you too,' her voice shook as she released me. I smiled down at her and tucked the covers around her. She turned her head to look at Meggie, 'Night, Grandma.'

'Goodnight, Callie,' Meggie smiled at her.

Callie. She always called her Callie.

~~

'What happened, Sephy?' Meggie persisted as I sipped my tea, 'She was terrified.'

'I didn't meant to frighten her,' I spoke quietly; my eyes remained on the television. I didn't want to tell her. I couldn't tell her why I'd shouted at Rose. I don't really know myself why I'd reacted like that.

'It's just a word, Callum.'

I squeezed my eyes shut, pushing any thoughts of him as far back in my mind as I could. Lock him in a room and throw away the key.

'Sephy, I saw it,' Meggie continued, 'What happened?

'Blankers,' I mouthed it, more than whispered it. But she still heard it. She went rigid and frowned at me, not seeming to understand. 'She called them blankers.' I whispered.

A silence followed and I swear the tension could be seen sparking off the walls.

'She doesn't understand, Sephy,' Meggie spoke after a moment, 'there was no need for you to react like that.'

'You don't understand either,' the words slipped past my lips without me thinking about them. I looked at her and noticed the confused frown on her face.

'What don't I understand, Honey?'

I turned away from her. She hadn't called me that in a while. I put down my cup and stood up, 'I'm going to bed. I'll take Rose to school tomorrow.'

'Sephy…'

I hesitated for a moment, looking at her, then I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. I hadn't done that in a while either. 'Goodnight, Meggie.'

She looked at me for a moment before she smiled, 'Goodnight, Sephy.'

I turned away from her and made my way up the stairs.

Not ten minutes later I was in bed. Lost in my thoughts once again. I could still see the fear in Rose's eyes when I rose my voice to her. She couldn't possibly understand what she'd said wrong, Meggie was right about that. She'd just admitted to her that she'd been discriminated against. Most likely by the children at her school. She attended a Nought school. No Cross school would accept a mixed race child. And now she was growing bitter towards the Noughts because of the way others looked at her. No doubt it would be the same should she be living in with the Crosses.

She was blaming them. She didn't understand the society we have to live in. It wasn't fair for her to be born into a world like this. A world where both Noughts and Crosses hated what she was.  

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the pleasant memories of her. Her face passed before me. Her eyes. Her father's eyes.

Rose was too much like her father. Too much like him. I didn't want to think of him. I didn't want the memories. I didn't want the pain that came with it.

I closed my eyes and attempted to sleep.

I don't want to wake up.