I woke up in my bed, noticing the sheets were stained with..blood. I almost
freaked out, but then I realized it didn't matter. It's not like my mom
cares or even comes into my room to check up on me, no, she's too busy
drowning her pain with booze. My dad is still in Kabul and won't be back
for another few days or so. It didn't matter, it wasn't urgent. But it
triggered me. I looked down at my arm, covered in light scars and red
lines. I breathed in deep, trying to calm myself, to get rid of this weird,
nagging craving. Just as I reached for something sharp, my alarm clock
went off. I jumped, and the compass went flying. It hit the wall with a
loud clank, and I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I
waited for a noise, for someone to say, "Ellie what happened?" until I
realized that no one in the house would care. Ha. Lucky me, right? Right.
I rolled out of bed and looked out the window. It was a warm sunny day. No clouds in sight. How was I going to pull off wearing something that would cover the cuts? I opened my closet door and threw things around, trying to get a burst of inspiration, to figure out what to wear, how to avoid getting caught, to avoid getting even more stares and harsh comments than usual. Eventually, I put on a pair of fishnet stockings, black boots, a denim skirt with an attached skull belt, and a snug black t-shirt. I dug around for some clean arm warmers, ones without blood stains, and finally found one last pair. They were white. I cursed out loud, admitting to myself that even if I really needed to, I couldn't cut in school today. The blood would stain those damn white arm warmers so easily, it would be covered in it.
"I better cut before then," I said to myself. "Just incase I need to later..this should last for a while..", I tried to convince myself. I took out my razor (the compass's edge was becoming dull fast) and brought it up to my left arm. I hesitated, only for a couple of seconds, then sliced. It stung and I felt myself falling to the floor, feeling relaxed and slightly dizzy from the rush of relief. My breath was entering and leaving my chest in long gasps, my heart pounding from the wonderful feeling. I didn't even need a big reason to feel better anymore. I could be basically happy but still get a rush of relief. I didn't understand it, and I didn't care. It didn't scare me. It didn't worry me. It was my ..friend. Always there for me, even without a reason. I loved it. It loved me as well, didn't it? Well, of course it did, it helped me through my bad moments.
Soon, I stood up and suddenly looked at the clock. "Oh no!" I was late. Again. I ran to the bathroom, turned on the warm water, and washed my arm. It stung and I felt even better. But I couldn't be distracted this time. I was late. I didn't want to lose my co-op job! I put on my arm warmers, forgetting to put gauze on the wounds. I quickly threw my things into my backpack, along with the razor and compass, and hurried downstairs.
I glanced at the sofa, where I thought my mom would be. Sure enough, there she was. "Mom..I'm going to school now." "Mmm."
Mmm?!? That was all she could say? I sighed and walked out the front door. It was a long walk to school. I walked past some familiar houses along the way. Paige's. Ashley's. Marco's. Emma's. "Oh uh", I thought to myself. "Emma is late to school too? Great."
"Ellie!", shouted Emma. She waved with a huge grin on her face. I forced myself to smile, a weak smile.
Could she tell? I don't think so because she told her mom to stop the car and she hopped out. Literally. She hopped.
"Ellie, hi!" I smiled again, that same weak smile. "Hey." "Oh my gosh, you're walking to school? That will take forever!" Didn't I know it. "Do you want a ride? Come on, it'll be fun. My mom and I are going to go pick up Sean anyway. With his sprained ankle, he can't exactly walk well..no matter how hard he tries to fake it.." "Sure" I blurt out..just to make her shut up. God, how can one person talk so much? I want quiet. I want to be alone, but I can see that isn't going to be happening today. Hesitantly, I walk over to her mom's car. "Oh hello..Ellie is it?" says Emma's mother. "Yeah." "Oh well nice to meet you, Ellie." I smile and say, "You too." I let Emma get into the car first and then I slide in.
"So...where do you live Ellie?" "Several blocks away." "Wow, that is a long walk! Aren't you tired?" "Not really."
I lied. I was tired. Probably from the loss of blood.
"Okay, here we are!" said Emma's mom. Emma got out of the car to go get Sean, and I was left alone with her mom. I felt a slight draft on my upper arm and noticed the arm warmer was slipping down. I quickly tugged it back up before Emma's mom could catch a glimpse. "What grade are you in, Ellie?" "Uh..tenth." "Are you a good friend of Emma's?" What was I supposed to say to that? I barely knew Emma. She's just generally nice to everyone and anyone. "Um..I guess."
Wow, today is a good day for lying.
"Well..not really." Emma's mom laughed and said, "Yes, Emma is just so sweet to her classmates. Oh look here she comes now." Emma and Sean were walking to the car. Emma was talking as usual, and Sean was nodding his head. Pretending to listen? Maybe. He did have headphones on. I could hear the music from here. The car door opened and Sean sat down. Emma sat in the front seat, next to her mom. Sean nodded at me, so I smiled again. What was with that damn smile? Even I am sick of it. Sean said, "Ellie..right?" "Yeah. Ellie." "Hey." "Hi."
That's all we said for the rest of the car ride.
I rolled out of bed and looked out the window. It was a warm sunny day. No clouds in sight. How was I going to pull off wearing something that would cover the cuts? I opened my closet door and threw things around, trying to get a burst of inspiration, to figure out what to wear, how to avoid getting caught, to avoid getting even more stares and harsh comments than usual. Eventually, I put on a pair of fishnet stockings, black boots, a denim skirt with an attached skull belt, and a snug black t-shirt. I dug around for some clean arm warmers, ones without blood stains, and finally found one last pair. They were white. I cursed out loud, admitting to myself that even if I really needed to, I couldn't cut in school today. The blood would stain those damn white arm warmers so easily, it would be covered in it.
"I better cut before then," I said to myself. "Just incase I need to later..this should last for a while..", I tried to convince myself. I took out my razor (the compass's edge was becoming dull fast) and brought it up to my left arm. I hesitated, only for a couple of seconds, then sliced. It stung and I felt myself falling to the floor, feeling relaxed and slightly dizzy from the rush of relief. My breath was entering and leaving my chest in long gasps, my heart pounding from the wonderful feeling. I didn't even need a big reason to feel better anymore. I could be basically happy but still get a rush of relief. I didn't understand it, and I didn't care. It didn't scare me. It didn't worry me. It was my ..friend. Always there for me, even without a reason. I loved it. It loved me as well, didn't it? Well, of course it did, it helped me through my bad moments.
Soon, I stood up and suddenly looked at the clock. "Oh no!" I was late. Again. I ran to the bathroom, turned on the warm water, and washed my arm. It stung and I felt even better. But I couldn't be distracted this time. I was late. I didn't want to lose my co-op job! I put on my arm warmers, forgetting to put gauze on the wounds. I quickly threw my things into my backpack, along with the razor and compass, and hurried downstairs.
I glanced at the sofa, where I thought my mom would be. Sure enough, there she was. "Mom..I'm going to school now." "Mmm."
Mmm?!? That was all she could say? I sighed and walked out the front door. It was a long walk to school. I walked past some familiar houses along the way. Paige's. Ashley's. Marco's. Emma's. "Oh uh", I thought to myself. "Emma is late to school too? Great."
"Ellie!", shouted Emma. She waved with a huge grin on her face. I forced myself to smile, a weak smile.
Could she tell? I don't think so because she told her mom to stop the car and she hopped out. Literally. She hopped.
"Ellie, hi!" I smiled again, that same weak smile. "Hey." "Oh my gosh, you're walking to school? That will take forever!" Didn't I know it. "Do you want a ride? Come on, it'll be fun. My mom and I are going to go pick up Sean anyway. With his sprained ankle, he can't exactly walk well..no matter how hard he tries to fake it.." "Sure" I blurt out..just to make her shut up. God, how can one person talk so much? I want quiet. I want to be alone, but I can see that isn't going to be happening today. Hesitantly, I walk over to her mom's car. "Oh hello..Ellie is it?" says Emma's mother. "Yeah." "Oh well nice to meet you, Ellie." I smile and say, "You too." I let Emma get into the car first and then I slide in.
"So...where do you live Ellie?" "Several blocks away." "Wow, that is a long walk! Aren't you tired?" "Not really."
I lied. I was tired. Probably from the loss of blood.
"Okay, here we are!" said Emma's mom. Emma got out of the car to go get Sean, and I was left alone with her mom. I felt a slight draft on my upper arm and noticed the arm warmer was slipping down. I quickly tugged it back up before Emma's mom could catch a glimpse. "What grade are you in, Ellie?" "Uh..tenth." "Are you a good friend of Emma's?" What was I supposed to say to that? I barely knew Emma. She's just generally nice to everyone and anyone. "Um..I guess."
Wow, today is a good day for lying.
"Well..not really." Emma's mom laughed and said, "Yes, Emma is just so sweet to her classmates. Oh look here she comes now." Emma and Sean were walking to the car. Emma was talking as usual, and Sean was nodding his head. Pretending to listen? Maybe. He did have headphones on. I could hear the music from here. The car door opened and Sean sat down. Emma sat in the front seat, next to her mom. Sean nodded at me, so I smiled again. What was with that damn smile? Even I am sick of it. Sean said, "Ellie..right?" "Yeah. Ellie." "Hey." "Hi."
That's all we said for the rest of the car ride.
