I wanted to run out of the stall and shout, "No! Don't tell the principal!"
But I didn't. I couldn't face them now. I knew that if they told the
principal, I could lose my co-op job. I hoped that Ashley would realize
that and not report this. I should have been scared, but I wasn't. I
wasn't. That would have scared me even more, but I was too numb to feel
anything. I was numb. And I loved it.
While they were talking about what to do, I inspected my arm. The cuts had almost stopped bleeding, but my arm was covered in blood. I looked down at the arm warmer I cradled in my right hand. I brought it up to my arm and used it to wipe the blood off. Now, the arm warmer was completely red. Oh well, at least it matches my belt. I slipped it on. It was soggy and wet with blood, and I tried not to retch.
I blankly stared at the stall door, until I realized that no one was talking anymore. I slowly opened the door and peeked out. The washroom was empty. Good. I walked over to the sink, and stared at the paper towel dispenser. The entire side of it had drops of blood splattered all over it. I heard the bell ring. Lunch was over. I waited I thought the hallway and cafeteria would be deserted. Holding my left arm against my chest, I finally left the washroom. I stared at the floor as I walked, lost in my thoughts. "Hey," I mumbled. Someone had bumped into me. I raised my head and saw..Sean. "Oh, hey Ellie."
"Um..hi..," I wanted to run away but I didn't. Something made me think that Sean wouldn't freak out like Paige had. He reached out to my arm, and gently brushed the soaked arm warmer that had turned into a wrist warmer. "You're hurt," Sean said in a worried voice.
"What? No, um, I'm fine." I put my arm behind my back in an attempt to hide the damage.
"What happened at lunch?" asked Sean. It seemed like he really cared. I was shocked. Why would he care about me? Ha. Emma must have told him to be nice or something equally disturbing.
"Nothing. Paige won't leave me alone. She thinks she's my mom or something," I said trying to laugh it off. I shook my head and laughed some more, a fake laugh. But Sean didn't know me well enough to be able to tell.
"Uh..Ellie, that ain't nothing. She hurt your arm." Why was he pressing the subject?
I tried to avoid staring into his eyes. They would give me away.
"Not really. I'm fine. I'm going to go. Late for class," I said in a rushed voice. I wanted to get away before he had a chance to find out what had really happened.
"Okay..bye," Sean said while walking away. I let out the air I had been holding. He didn't figure it out. Maybe I had overreacted. Maybe no one in the school knew. I looked at one of the clocks on the wall. It was later than I thought. As the calm feeling started to wear off, I remembered that it was time for gym. I giggled out loud for a second, realizing that this was good. For the first time ever, I was glad that I had my gym uniform.
I walked over to my locker, grabbed my uniform, and went back into the washroom. As fast as I could, I changed into the uniform that I had hated ever since I arrived this school. It was yellow and fading. Chunks of dirt covered the track pants, and there were grass stains on the sleeves. I glanced at myself in the mirror, and sighed at my messed up reflection. My hair was falling out of the braids, strands everywhere. The eyeliner I was wearing had stained my cheeks a watery grey, damn those water-proof claims. I was trying to make myself look at alive, when the bell rang. Great. I had missed gym.
Kids were laughing, shouting, gossiping. They filled the hallway in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, the washroom door opened.
I rushed over to the stall, feeling a sense of dread. I kept the door opened a crack, so I could see what was happening.
"Yeah, totally," laughed Hazel. She looked at herself in the mirror, and said "Hey, do you have any toilet paper?"
"Um, Hun, we are surrounded by toilet paper in here. Go get some yourself," smirked Paige as she reapplied a coat of lip gloss.
Hazel was walking over to the towel dispenser. No, no, no.
"Ew," she shrieked. She jumped backwards, and I almost laughed at her fear of something that I trusted and loved.
Paige turned around to see what Hazel had screamed about. "Oh. Yeah."
"What..what is THAT," Hazel said with another loud shriek.
"It looks like blood, hun." Paige went back to admiring herself in the mirror.
My stomach felt like a bunch of bugs had crawled in there and had made themselves at home. I was nervous. Paige wouldn't tell on me..would she?
"Oh my god! Someone got hurt? Oh my god! Do you know who it was?"
"I probably shouldn't say," whispered Paige as she trailed off. Hazel grabbed Paige's shoulders and lightly shook her. She looked directly into Paige's eyes, and demanded, "No way! You have to tell me! Who was it?!"
"Look, it doesn't matter okay."
I couldn't believe it. Paige wasn't blurting it out. This was wrong, this isn't normal.
"Geez Paige. I would think it was you who hurt yourself on that thing," Hazel said with a smirk as she tightened her shoe lace.
"What? Hun, fine, if you must know.."
No. No, no, no, no NO. Paige was going to tell. Paige wouldn't defend me, what was I thinking. I started to panic again. My heart was racing, my eyes filling up with tears.
I looked around the stall. Nothing was sharp in here. I was almost about to run out of the washroom stall just to get my hands on that towel dispenser, when I glimpsed something sharp in the trash. A razor. Not just a razor, a brand new razor. Even through the plastic case, the silver glinted at me. It was begging me to use it.
I reached into the trash and grabbed the package. Quietly, I tore it open and tried to get the razor out of the plastic.
"It was.."
"YES? COME ON! Paige, I have to know!"
I finally got the razor free. I rolled up the uniform sleeves, and looked at my left arm.
"Ellie..okay? It was Ellie."
I raised the razor to my upper arm and brought it down, again and again. I didn't even stop when the blood starting dropping onto the floor.
I could hear Paige and Hazel, off in the distance. They were talking about me.
I caught snips of conversation:
"OH MY GOD! Is she going to report it?"
Paige's reply. "No. She did it on..on purpose. Weird, huh?"
Hazel's gasp of a reaction. Her shouts of disbelief.
I looked at the floor, the blood was beginning to spread. That didn't stop me, I had to continue. I cut more, deeper. Harder. I was beginning to feel light headed. I didn't know what I was doing. I just wanted it all to go away. All of it..to go away..
I fell off of the toilet seat, and slumped to the floor. I just missed landing in the small, shallow pond of blood. The last thing I remember hearing before I blacked out was, "Oh my god. Ellie. ELLIE!"
While they were talking about what to do, I inspected my arm. The cuts had almost stopped bleeding, but my arm was covered in blood. I looked down at the arm warmer I cradled in my right hand. I brought it up to my arm and used it to wipe the blood off. Now, the arm warmer was completely red. Oh well, at least it matches my belt. I slipped it on. It was soggy and wet with blood, and I tried not to retch.
I blankly stared at the stall door, until I realized that no one was talking anymore. I slowly opened the door and peeked out. The washroom was empty. Good. I walked over to the sink, and stared at the paper towel dispenser. The entire side of it had drops of blood splattered all over it. I heard the bell ring. Lunch was over. I waited I thought the hallway and cafeteria would be deserted. Holding my left arm against my chest, I finally left the washroom. I stared at the floor as I walked, lost in my thoughts. "Hey," I mumbled. Someone had bumped into me. I raised my head and saw..Sean. "Oh, hey Ellie."
"Um..hi..," I wanted to run away but I didn't. Something made me think that Sean wouldn't freak out like Paige had. He reached out to my arm, and gently brushed the soaked arm warmer that had turned into a wrist warmer. "You're hurt," Sean said in a worried voice.
"What? No, um, I'm fine." I put my arm behind my back in an attempt to hide the damage.
"What happened at lunch?" asked Sean. It seemed like he really cared. I was shocked. Why would he care about me? Ha. Emma must have told him to be nice or something equally disturbing.
"Nothing. Paige won't leave me alone. She thinks she's my mom or something," I said trying to laugh it off. I shook my head and laughed some more, a fake laugh. But Sean didn't know me well enough to be able to tell.
"Uh..Ellie, that ain't nothing. She hurt your arm." Why was he pressing the subject?
I tried to avoid staring into his eyes. They would give me away.
"Not really. I'm fine. I'm going to go. Late for class," I said in a rushed voice. I wanted to get away before he had a chance to find out what had really happened.
"Okay..bye," Sean said while walking away. I let out the air I had been holding. He didn't figure it out. Maybe I had overreacted. Maybe no one in the school knew. I looked at one of the clocks on the wall. It was later than I thought. As the calm feeling started to wear off, I remembered that it was time for gym. I giggled out loud for a second, realizing that this was good. For the first time ever, I was glad that I had my gym uniform.
I walked over to my locker, grabbed my uniform, and went back into the washroom. As fast as I could, I changed into the uniform that I had hated ever since I arrived this school. It was yellow and fading. Chunks of dirt covered the track pants, and there were grass stains on the sleeves. I glanced at myself in the mirror, and sighed at my messed up reflection. My hair was falling out of the braids, strands everywhere. The eyeliner I was wearing had stained my cheeks a watery grey, damn those water-proof claims. I was trying to make myself look at alive, when the bell rang. Great. I had missed gym.
Kids were laughing, shouting, gossiping. They filled the hallway in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, the washroom door opened.
I rushed over to the stall, feeling a sense of dread. I kept the door opened a crack, so I could see what was happening.
"Yeah, totally," laughed Hazel. She looked at herself in the mirror, and said "Hey, do you have any toilet paper?"
"Um, Hun, we are surrounded by toilet paper in here. Go get some yourself," smirked Paige as she reapplied a coat of lip gloss.
Hazel was walking over to the towel dispenser. No, no, no.
"Ew," she shrieked. She jumped backwards, and I almost laughed at her fear of something that I trusted and loved.
Paige turned around to see what Hazel had screamed about. "Oh. Yeah."
"What..what is THAT," Hazel said with another loud shriek.
"It looks like blood, hun." Paige went back to admiring herself in the mirror.
My stomach felt like a bunch of bugs had crawled in there and had made themselves at home. I was nervous. Paige wouldn't tell on me..would she?
"Oh my god! Someone got hurt? Oh my god! Do you know who it was?"
"I probably shouldn't say," whispered Paige as she trailed off. Hazel grabbed Paige's shoulders and lightly shook her. She looked directly into Paige's eyes, and demanded, "No way! You have to tell me! Who was it?!"
"Look, it doesn't matter okay."
I couldn't believe it. Paige wasn't blurting it out. This was wrong, this isn't normal.
"Geez Paige. I would think it was you who hurt yourself on that thing," Hazel said with a smirk as she tightened her shoe lace.
"What? Hun, fine, if you must know.."
No. No, no, no, no NO. Paige was going to tell. Paige wouldn't defend me, what was I thinking. I started to panic again. My heart was racing, my eyes filling up with tears.
I looked around the stall. Nothing was sharp in here. I was almost about to run out of the washroom stall just to get my hands on that towel dispenser, when I glimpsed something sharp in the trash. A razor. Not just a razor, a brand new razor. Even through the plastic case, the silver glinted at me. It was begging me to use it.
I reached into the trash and grabbed the package. Quietly, I tore it open and tried to get the razor out of the plastic.
"It was.."
"YES? COME ON! Paige, I have to know!"
I finally got the razor free. I rolled up the uniform sleeves, and looked at my left arm.
"Ellie..okay? It was Ellie."
I raised the razor to my upper arm and brought it down, again and again. I didn't even stop when the blood starting dropping onto the floor.
I could hear Paige and Hazel, off in the distance. They were talking about me.
I caught snips of conversation:
"OH MY GOD! Is she going to report it?"
Paige's reply. "No. She did it on..on purpose. Weird, huh?"
Hazel's gasp of a reaction. Her shouts of disbelief.
I looked at the floor, the blood was beginning to spread. That didn't stop me, I had to continue. I cut more, deeper. Harder. I was beginning to feel light headed. I didn't know what I was doing. I just wanted it all to go away. All of it..to go away..
I fell off of the toilet seat, and slumped to the floor. I just missed landing in the small, shallow pond of blood. The last thing I remember hearing before I blacked out was, "Oh my god. Ellie. ELLIE!"
