The Funeral From Hell

"I can't believe the Professor is actually holding some kind of funeral for Mystique and Magneto," Todd grumbled as he fidgeted with his tie. He was wearing a dark brown suit.

"What's so hard to believe?" Fred was in a snug dark blue suit. "They had one for you."

"Huh?" Todd asked.

"When we thought you were dead," Lance explained. He was wearing a black suit but no tie. His white shirt was opened at the top. "Gambit told us all about it."

"Oh," Todd remarked. "Yeah but one, I wasn't dead. Two I never did experiments on nobody and three through fifty seven nothing I ever did was half as bad as what those two did!"

"Look we all agree that most of us here didn't give a rat's ass about either of them," Althea remarked. She was wearing a modest black pantsuit with a blue shirt underneath. "But we're here to support Wanda, Pietro and Kurt. So keep your mouths shut!"

"Why not Rogue?" Daria asked. The triplets were wearing little black dresses.

"Are you kidding?" Quinn remarked. "She's probably celebrating!"

"I would," Brittany nodded.

"Yeah I've been planning my father's funeral for years," Althea said sarcastically. "Speaking of which where the hell is the lunatic? He'd better not have gotten drunk this early!"

"Maybe he is hitting on Storm again?" Xi asked. He was wearing a black suit as well.

"Nah actually he's over with Wanda and Pietro," Lance pointed. Shipwreck was standing with the twins talking to Kurt and Amanda.

"Boy Arcade's gonna be sorry he missed this," Fred remarked. "Did you see the buffet in the hall?"

"Well Spyder's not feeling too well again and somebody had to stay behind and watch her," Lance said. "Besides he's the furthest removed from all this so it's okay."

Then the twins moved walked over to them. "Kurt's really taking it hard," Wanda sighed as she sat down next to them. She was wearing a sleeveless black dress.

"Well we know how he feels when you lose a parent," Pietro said. "I wonder if there's a will and how much I get out of it?"

"Well I see you're in mourning," Lance said sarcastically.

"Hey I'm grieving, but in my own way!" Pietro replied. "I find it helpful to contemplate life after death. Now that Father's dead, I have a life. Which reminds me," He took out his personal organizer. "I have got to update my wardrobe after this. I mean I copied this fashion only last week and it's already out of style! I'll have to push back my appointment with my manicurist today as well."

"Oh don't worry Pietro," Fred said. "My schedule's pretty free. I can do your nails anytime."

"Pietro…" Althea growled.

"It's okay Althea," Wanda sighed. "Let's face facts, Magneto was a monster. And my brother is an insensitive idiot with the attention span of a gnat."

"Well we all agree on that," Lance said.

"Actually I'd be more worried if Pietro did start acting like a human being," Wanda said.

"Well I see your anger therapy sessions are still working," Pietro quipped.

"If they weren't, you'd be the first to know," Wanda shot back.

"Guys come on you shouldn't be fighting each other," Todd remarked. "Not on a day like today! You should fight with the X-Men, it's more fun!"

"He's right," Pietro sighed. "I'm sorry Sis."

"Me too," Wanda said. "Wanna go find Rogue and twist the knife some more?"

"That would be nice," Pietro said. "Besides Kurt is way too easy a target. Where is she anyway? I don't see her."

"We'll ask these guys," Althea motioned. Amara, Roberto and Kitty were walking over to them. "Hey."

"Hey," Roberto said. "We're sorry about…You know."

"No you're not," Pietro said. "But thank you for the fake sympathy."

"Ignore him," Wanda rolled her eyes. "He's just putting up a pathetic façade to hide his wounded heart. He wet his bed last night with all the tears. At least he claimed it was tears."

"Hey play nice!" Althea lightly smacked her arm. "There are plenty of other people to torture besides each other."

"Why am I not surprised you are acting like this?" Kitty groaned.

"Hey at least they showed up!" Amara snapped. "Which is more than Rogue did!"

"She ain't here?" Todd asked.

"She's hiding in her room," Amara said.

"Well what do you expect?" Pietro asked. "Do you really want to see her waltz through here. I can picture it now. 'Hello y'all! Glad you could make it here today. Let's all have a big party to celebrate my parents getting bumped off? Did you know I played a big part in that'?"

"You are impossible you know that?" Kitty snapped.

"Well duh," Todd sighed. "I mean look whose genes he inherited!"

"Tell me about it," Wanda saw Paige nearby and grabbed her arm. "Do you believe that I'm considered the psychotic one of the family?"

"Well now Sis you may not have that title anymore," Pietro said.

"Uh excuse me I gotta go see Sam," Paige moved away quickly. So did the other X-Men.

"You know I wasn't sure of how I would handle this but making the X-Men more uncomfortable than I am helps," Wanda said. "As much as I hate to admit it Pietro, you do have a point."

"Yeah well maybe you're not so wrong either," Pietro sighed. "God I hate funerals. I want this stupid thing to be over so I can stuff myself at the buffet then forget this day ever happened."

"It's gonna be okay," Althea patted Wanda on the back. "We're gonna help you get through this."

"Give me a hug!" Fred said grabbing Pietro.

"Blob…can't…breathe…" Pietro gasped for breath.

"Let him go Freddy before this turns into a triple-header," Lance said.

"Sorry," Fred sniffed. "Funerals always make me a little emotional."

"Well it looks like they're going to start soon," Althea said. "And Rogue's still a no-show."

"I don't see Gambit here either," Wanda looked around.

"Big shock," Pietro snorted. "Of course he won't go against his girlfriend."

"Quiet," Althea hissed. "He's starting."

Xavier appeared before them in a suit. "I know this might sound strange to some of you. Having a memorial service to two individuals who were…not always our friends. Someone once said that funerals were not for the dead, but for those they leave behind. In one way or another Magneto and Mystique touched our lives, even if it always wasn't for the better."

"Try never," Todd hissed in Lance's ear.

Xavier continued. "Eric Magnus Lehnsherr was a complicated man."

"Most psychotics usually are," Pietro whispered.

"Magnus had been witness to some of the most intolerable cruelties as a child," Xavier said. "These actions haunted him for the rest of his life. Although we cannot condone his actions, we can try to understand them."

"Yeah we understand them all right," Pietro snapped harshly. "Magneto was a jerk. What's to understand?"

"Pietro!" Wanda snapped.

"Hey I'm just telling it like it is!" Pietro snapped.

"Here it comes," Scott groaned.

"Pietro I know you're upset and angry," Xavier said. "But now is not the time."

"Wrong, Now is the perfect time!" Pietro stood up. "So if you don't mind maybe somebody who was an actual family member ought to be doing this."

"Do something!" Ororo hissed to Roadblock.

"Let the boy talk," Roadblock waved. "He has to get this out of his system!"

"Besides this ought to be good," Low Light chuckled.

Pietro faced the small crowd. "Look most of you know about the history Magneto had with his children. Take me for example, I was his number one son and he treated me like number two…in all senses! Nothing I ever did was good enough for the man. He was an impossible egomaniac!"

"I guess it runs in the family huh?" Sam snapped. "How could you be so disrespectful to your own father?"

"Excuse me? What about the way he treated my sisters and me? That wasn't exactly respectful now was it?" Pietro snapped. "But he was Xavier's friend so that makes it all right? Everything can be forgiven? Baloney! Most of you people have no clue what the man was really like. You didn't live with him. You have no idea how much fear the man inspired and how cruel he really was. Yeah he had a hard past but that's a lousy excuse!"

"Kid I know you have a point…" Logan started.

"You're damn right I have a point!" Pietro shouted. "And he got what he deserved! Apocalypse did us all a favor! If I knew where his mail went I'd write him a thank you note!"

There were several gasps from the X-Men. "You can't mean that!" Jesse asked.

"He does," Jean said. "He doesn't care that his own father was murdered."

"Look he did it to himself!" Pietro said. "Everybody knows it! Nobody has the guts to say it so I will! Magneto's ego was the death of him. He couldn't stand the fact that there was a new all-powerful mutant on the block and he wanted to do whatever it took to stop Apocalypse from ruling the world before he did! And Mystique? Oh man I could write a book on how screwed up that lady was!"

"Face it, any good in those two was destroyed long ago," Wanda said. "I mean what kind of maniacs are so cruel to their kids that they'd want to kill them? You can't blame Rogue for fighting back!"

"In other words there for the grace of God go you huh?" Kurt snapped.

Pietro glared at Kurt. "This whole experience has made you into a bitter little blue person hasn't it?"

"I'm not the only one who's bitter," Kurt replied. "But unlike you I will not allow my bitterness towards her turn to hatred."

"You wouldn't say that if you actually lived with her!" Lance snapped.

"Magneto wasn't exactly a picnic either," Pietro added. "Professor you only know who Magneto used to be. Not the person he became. Do you know what the one thing he wanted in the world more than anything? He wanted you to admit he was right. That's it. He wanted nothing more than for you to realize how wrong you were. Does that sound like a friend to you? I don't think so."

"He's right," Todd shouted out. "Let's hit the buffet and party!"

"I should have known you clowns would have found a way to make a mockery of this!" Jean snapped.

"Well you can't exactly blame them that much on this one," Scott said. "Much as I hate to take the Misfits' side on anything both Mystique and Magneto were insane maniacs! Look at all the damage they did to us! Even now they're tearing us all apart! I'm sorry for saying this Professor but Quicksilver's right. Magneto was nothing more than a bully who went looking for a fight and got into something he couldn't handle!"

"My god Summers actually agrees with us on something!" Lance said. "Somebody call the evening news!"

"I don't think we have to," Todd pointed. "They're already here!"

"Oh my god…" Kitty paled as she saw the news helicopter circle the place. "I don't believe this!"

"What the hell are they doing here?" Logan shouted.

"They are leaving!" Ororo stood up angrily and started to create a hard wind to try and blow the chopper away. It struggled in the wind.

Suddenly something flew up towards them. "LEAVE US ALONE!" Rogue screamed as she punched the side of the chopper.

"Oh my," Spirit sighed. "This is not helpful."

"Rogue no!" Jean flew up to stop her from destroying the chopper with Ororo.

"Way to go Roguey!" Shipwreck laughed.

"Yeah give it to 'em good!" Low Light shouted.

"Don't encourage her!" Hank snapped.

"Chere! Come back!" Remy ran out.

Jean used her powers to stabilize the chopper while Ororo tried to hold Rogue back. "Rogue no!" Ororo flew in front of her. "This is not the way!"

"Out of my way Storm!" Rogue snapped. "These yahoos have it coming!"

"No, let us handle this," Ororo flashed her eyes at the newsmen. "This is a private affair. You are not welcome here!" The sky grew darker and lightning started to flash.

"Oh yeah that's a real improvement!" Lance rolled his eyes sarcastically as the chopper blew away.

"I can see it now," Fred remarked. "News Chopper attacked by three rampaging mutant women. Film at eleven."

"Rogue that was completely unacceptable!" Ororo admonished as they flew down.

"They invade our privacy and what I did was unacceptable?" Rogue snapped.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Scott snapped at her. "Do you realize how much damage this is going to do to our reputation?"

"What reputation?" Todd asked.

"The only person Rogue ever thinks about is herself," Kurt glared at her. "No matter how many lives she's ruined! Just like Mystique!"

Rogue turned pale. That was when Remy turned around. "You should not have said that boy," He growled as he punched Kurt in the face.

That was when all hell broke loose. Kurt retaliated and tackled Remy. The two of them started to fight. Jean tried to break them apart with her telepathy only to have Rogue tackle her. "Stay out of this Jean!"

"Rogue stop this!" Ororo shouted. Lightning flashed in the sky.

"Elf! Gumbo! Knock it off!" Logan tried to pry the two apart. "Somebody give me a hand here?" Then they teleported to another area. Logan fell from them and then they teleported to another part of the lawn. "Oh great!"

"I suppose you think that this is my fault too huh?" Pietro asked Scott sarcastically.

"Let's just say you contributed to this lovely day," Scott grumbled as he ran off to try and help Logan. Soon nearly every X-Man was either fighting or trying to restrain the combatants. The Misfits however were a different story. "I got five on the Fuzz ball!" Todd called out.

"Hey this food is great!" Fred came back with a huge hunk of food from the buffet table.

"I am not familiar with the grieving process. Are all human funerals like this?" Xi asked.

"Only the interesting ones," Shipwreck snickered. "Hey Blob save me some of that food from the buffet!"

"Sorry Wanda looks like this day has gone to hell," Althea sighed.

"Along with Magneto I hope," Wanda said. "Actually right now I feel a lot better about myself. At least there are people taking this worse than I am!"

Coming next: What you've all been waiting for, the Misfits are exposed to the world! But is the world ready?