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What Is To Be

-Fifth-

By Annie

2003-09-12

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He noticed her stolen glances, he noticed how she seemed to want to talk with him, and he also saw the hesitation, which in the last moment had made her back off again more times than one. He wanted to talk with her, too. But a week until the end of the world seemed to be getting a bit in the way.

It was two and a half hours after Angel had delivered the ominous message and in that time they had all been sitting around the table in the small room used for research and regular brainstorming. The first hour spent talking and discussing and going over notes and theories, filling the Slayer in even further on the blanks which had been left at the other meeting.

Every time he looked up and caught her gaze in his there seemed to be a momentary pause in everything and he had to catch his breath.

His breath.

It was so strange to look at her and not have the sound of her heart beat in his ears, or the scent of her blood running through her veins in his nostrils. It was even weirder how the thirst for her was unchanged. He looked at her and saw everything he had ever wanted, would ever want on this earth.

He had been brought into human form in a state of pure disorientation. He hadn't even been certain that he wanted it. He had been so reminded of Buffy's words as she had returned from the grave that he had cried long and hard sobs over how much he craved her there.

Everything was so harsh. So bright. So violent.

And in the end she had always stood right by him. She had been a support and a power source as the memory of her kept him standing when he felt as though he was about to crack in two. She was this without even having to be there and after reading some of her letters to Angel he realized he had no right to once more be a hurricane in the fragile life she had obviously built for herself. He couldn't come crashing in the way he always had before, disrupting her existence.

He had told Angel to not under any circumstances tell her that he was alive.

And Angel had honored that request to the extreme, not even telling her when she bloody showed up at his sodding doorstep!

Spike rose from the chair he had been seated in, feeling the need to move or the constant whirl of thoughts in his head just might take over completely, leaving his soul without a home and nothing left of him but an empty shell.

He turned and was about to leave the room when Susannah's voice stopped him as she asked:

"Where you going?"

"For a walk," he answered her and as she was about to rise he made small gesture with one hand for her not to. "Alone, love," he added and she looked clearly disappointed before she smiled a little that she understood.

Buffy watched him leave with widening eyes.

She wanted to call out to him, make him stop and stay. The moment he disappeared from sight she felt a gnawing worry start up. Where was he going? What if he didn't come back! What if something happened to him? What if he just disappeared and she'd have to spend a lifetime knowing that she could have saved him?

She stood so quickly that her chair tipped over, balancing gracefully on two legs before slamming into the floor with a loud bang.

Fred jumped slightly at the sound, looking up from the book she was devouring; as did the rest, turning their eyes on the rather flustered Slayer. She smiled disarmingly, bending down and putting the chair back on all fours before she said:

"Excuse me for just a second, I... thought I heard a noise."

"I'll come with you," Angel offered and she shook her head.

"No, no, that's fine. I think I still remember how it's done. Sneak down hallway, peek around corner, if there is bad there, kick bad over the head," she then stated and Angel gave her an appraising look before he smiled.

"Right," he nodded and she returned the smile with a hint of relief before she headed to the door. "Just don't forget that the bad might get a concussion now, WAS it to actually GET kicked in the head," Angel stopped her by saying and she turned her head back to him with a not so amused expression, which merely had him smirking. "Just a small advice," he excused himself and she rolled her eyes at him.

"And it's well taken, but I really DID hear a noise," she stated and he nodded.

"Of course, I'd never call you a liar, Buffy! And the noise... it came from upstairs, right?"

"Yes," she replied quickly and he smiled again.

"Okay, good. Just so I know where I have you. Oh, and don't worry, Will is perfectly able to take care of himself. I mean, since he was 'going for a walk' I assume he won't be anywhere near the 'noise'. But, just so YOU know that there won't be any problem in case the bad should venture out into the streets," Angel then informed casually and Buffy's eyebrows rose before she put on an innocent expression.

"Good. Good to know," she stated, pausing for a second longer before she merely turned and swiftly left the room.

"What IS the story with those two, anyways?" Gunn inquired and Angel gave a small shrug before he answered:

"All I know is that it's not quite finished yet."

He wasn't able to resist glancing at Cordelia once the sentence was finished, and when she met his gaze he smiled a little before looking away again.

***

It wasn't until she had hurried two blocks in search of him that she remembered she couldn't reach out her senses for him in the way she could before. There would be no tingle, no sign of where he might be...

She stopped, looking the ways she had to choose from, and then set out a new course as she got herself moving again.

She wasn't sure how long she had been half-running through the streets, but suddenly the sound of waves hit her ears and the smell of salt in the air became even clearer as she rounded the corner of a large building and was greeted by the stretching view of black, billowing ocean.

She smiled to herself, kicking off her shoes and picking them up in one hand as she walked onto the beach. The sand was cold beneath the soles of her feet, but she loved the feeling. She couldn't think of anything as relaxing as the soft song of the sea.

Then she turned her head and corrected herself, because to her right stood the one person on the whole planet that she would ever think of as home... and the tranquility she felt just by resting her eyes on him made her feel light as a feather.

She had found him.

Without any paranormality she had found him and she knew that she always would.

She collected herself and slowly approached him, stopping by his side and then facing the view in the same manner he was.

"I was looking for you," she said.

"Didn't hear me then?" he wondered.

"The 'alone' part being what you're referring to?" she asked back and he nodded slightly before answering:

"Yeah, that's it."

"Oh, I heard you... But you weren't talking to ME, were you?" she then inquired and he turned his head to her as she did the same. "Of course, you always did call me 'love' a lot, perhaps I should've thought it was directed to me as well? Or all of the ladies in the room? I sincerely hope you don't go around calling the men that nick."

He merely observed her and she swallowed, her nerves beginning to fail her as she looked up at him.

"No, I wasn't talking to you," he then said, facing the ocean once more and she wanted more than ever to wrap her arms around him tightly, have all of him against her body and just feel with every fiber how he was close.

"Want me to leave?" she asked and he was silent for a short while before he shook his head. "If you say: 'It's a free country', I'm seriously gonna hit you," she stated and finally he smirked.

She smiled as well.

"How's the bit?" he asked and she felt a surprisingly fast refill of her tears rise to her eyes at the mention of Dawn.

"She's good. She's doing really well in school and - what do you know - she likes it. I guess you Brit's know how to hook them when they're young," she answered and he laughed, the sound taking her so off guard that she simply stared at him.

"It's all a matter of bait," he then said, looking at her with such a familiar twinkle of tease in his azure blues that she couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "Hey, now," he mumbled, reaching up a hand and softly brushing at the liquid. "Not exactly the reaction I was looking for."

"Spike..." she said, trailing off as she slipped one hand up to grace his, taking it in a tight grip.

"Hurts," he said and she furrowed her brow. "HAND - hurts!" he elaborated and she let it go immediately.

"I'm sorry!" she said with true agony in her tone as she saw how he gripped the presumably aching hand with his other. "God, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

The sudden grin on his face made her give him a shove in the chest.

"That wasn't funny!" she exclaimed, though she couldn't keep a wide smile off her lips.

She was overcome by the sense that he had never left. He had never gone anywhere. She had seen him last the day before and the ease she felt with him now was a mere continuance of days and days of friendly banter.

"Sorry," he now apologized, bringing her out of her musings. "I just can't stand to see you cry," he added and she grew serious again, remembering all the nights she had lay awake for hours as she tried to put a blank where his face was - never succeeding.

Now that face turned solemn as well, and they looked at each other for a moment.

"Where were you six months ago," she then murmured to his previous sentence and he frowned.

"What?" he asked and as she realized he really hadn't heard her she shook her head dismissively, putting her arms up around herself as a rather bitter wind tore in over the shore. "You're cold," he said. "We should head back."

"Yeah," she slowly agreed and they turned, starting to walk the way she had come.

As they got off the sand and she stopped to put on her shoes he pulled his sweater over his head, a black T on underneath, and carefully placed it on her shoulders, making her look at him and she returned the trying smile he bore.

"Thank you," she said, their fingers brushing lightly against each other as she reached up to keep the piece of clothing from sliding off.

"You're welcome," he replied.

The moment stretched, then ended and they once more started up their walk.

After a minute of silence Buffy reached out one hand and cautiously slipped it in one of his. It seemed words were unnecessary after that and they continued on in an almost too comfortable silence.

He didn't have a clue as to what she wanted, but the way he time and again caught her looking at him... In those forests of green seemed to be the search for answers, the quiet traces of suffering and something yet undefined.

It was so funny - with all the things still pushing to be said, he felt more content just walking with her than he had for the entire extent of his time back. He wanted to tell her this, but had a stubborn thought telling him that in a way she already knew.

They slowed their steps without realizing it as they neared the Hyperion, and then stopped completely a few steps before the entrance doors.

"What do you think is gonna happen?" Buffy asked, turning her head to him with a rather curious, yet dreading, expression. "Who do you think is gonna die this time?"

"Buffy..." he murmured, looking for words to stroke away her worry, but he seemingly just did the opposite as her eyes widened and then she burst out:

"Me?! Well, I guess I should be used to it by now, shouldn't I?"

He looked shocked, then regretful as he shook his head; about to voice his protest when he caught the sudden mischievous look in her eyes. And then she smirked, which caused him to mirror it.

"That wasn't funny," he grumbled.

She merely smiled sweetly and then the door to her right opened and Angel stepped through it. He looked from one to the other, at Spike's sweater still draped over Buffy's shoulders, and then at their hands, still entwined.

"We're in for an early start tomorrow," he said meaningfully, turning back around and walking inside once more, leaving them alone again.

This time there was a tremor of gentle tension in the air as they both grew very aware of how little they had spoken of anything, and of how they still had a lot to speak about.

They slowly let the other's hand go and Buffy smiled, trying to lift the heavy atmosphere as she slid the sweater off her and reached it out to him.

"We need to talk," he said, taking the sweater from her and she met his gaze.

"Yeah," she agreed. "We do."

They both hesitated, and then walked together up to the doors, opening the left one and stepping through it, Spike holding it open for her and she smiled her thanks. He returned it and when they entered the foyer the lights had been turned out and the stillness told of a home slowly filling with sleep.

Buffy felt how tired she was, but she was still very reluctant to say good night.

"You hungry?" he asked and she swallowed her much to willing yes, simply nodded. "Okay," he said, taking the steps and leading their way to the kitchen.

She observed his back, watched him move as he walked in front of her, trying to ignore the small fire burning within her when she remembered how well he actually knew her body... and how well she knew his. It wasn't a consuming desire, it wasn't something that was impossible to ignore because most of all she wanted to feel him, have him with her... And he was. With her.

He flipped the switch of the room they had been headed to, walking up to the refrigerator and opening it up. Beginning to look through its contents he was partially blocked out by the door, despite this she couldn't take her eyes off him and she sat on one of the barstools by the high table in the middle of the room still watching him.

He finally dove out of the fridge with his hands full of various ingredients for...

"Sandwich?" he asked, eyebrows raised and she had to smile at the completely boyish look on him, then she nodded.

"Yes, please," she said and he smirked, obviously pleased as he kicked to door of the fridge closed and then put the ingredients down on the table.

He was on the opposite side from her and she refrained from pouting only by mustering all her self-control. Then she casually slid off the chair and moved around to his side. All the while he was bringing out the bread from one of the cupboards and a knife from one of the drawers.

She sat on a different stool, this one being on arms length from where he was starting up his creating. She watched the movements of his hands in silent fascination as he easily applied all the layers to the two sandwiches he was making.

One side of her was frightened half the time that it would wake up and have its fears realized as it came to know that it was all a dream. Everything, from first blue eye to last bleached strand.

But another side shook its head and claimed that fear was overrated. That reality was all that mattered. And that no dream, even her Slayer ones, had ever been this detailed, this filled with emotion.

"There," he said, adding the finishing touches of the top halves of the sandwiches before he turned to her. "Dig in," he added, sliding the plate containing her food over to her.

She looked down at it, then reached out to take it as he jumped up to sit on the stool next to her.

He took his first bite, closed his eyes and thoroughly enjoyed it; this was evident. She found herself unapt to do anything but stare. He took a second bite, chewing intently, and then he opened his eyes to rest them in hers with a quizzical expression in them.

"For someone saying she's hungry you don't eat much, do you? I'd hate to see what you do with the food when you're starving," he said and then smiled, making her laugh at herself before she once more grew serious, shaking her head as she replied:

"It's just... You're..."

"Yeah," he said, putting his two-bites-into sandwich down as he finished, "I am."

She swallowed. Butterflies and splinters of ice in her veins and that close to overpowering rush and butterflies everywhere and...

"Oh, thank God!" Susannah's voice was heard and Buffy felt a very hard fist of irritation in her chest at the sound of it, then she turned her head to the door; Spike did as well. "I'm so glad I'm not the only one up. Then again, you're usually down here at this hour, Will, aren't you?" the girl added in such a happy and knowing tone that it scratched the Slayer's ears.

The brunette came into the room and un-bashfully walked up to the two, her eyes going to the food and a wider smile took its place on her mouth as she asked:

"Showing her how to make the famous ten-layered?"

Buffy got to her feet at that, as well as at the sight of Susannah's hand tenderly placing itself on Spike's arm. The Slayer had never felt more off- territory, though she seriously wanted to claw the other's hand away from him. Get it off her former...

Former enemy, former ally, former lover, former nothing. She had NO right.

"I'll save this," she said, making a gesture to the sandwich. "It looks fab, but I just realized it's almost one in the morning and if I eat that I'll really screw up my breakfast tomorrow and you know what they say: it IS the most important meal of the day." Spike was about to make an objection and so she hurriedly added: "Thanks, though. Really. I'm just tired. Flight and Apocalypse Now and, well, YOU and everything... I'm just gonna turn in and see you - both - in the morning. Okay?"

He wanted to tell her no, it wasn't okay. They still had too much to say for her to 'turn in'. But with Susannah there he knew they couldn't talk anyway, and she was clearly beat. Therefore he answered:

"'Course... Good night."

She held his gaze for just one moment longer than necessary and then she smiled.

"Good night, William," she said and he watched her leave the room with a softness around his heart that was sure to cushion any blow delivered to it for some time to come.

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It's great hearing what you think! Really! Please, keep it up! I'm happy so many has read this story so far, I hope it won't disappoint!

Special thanks to wolf116 (Oh, God, I hope that too!!!) ;), Winters1 (*smirks widely*) :), Mel (*hehe* And about the "two" vamps, I like 'em both too. Just one of 'em a bit more when it comes to Buffy, y'know?) ;), Eileen (Great to read your thoughts!) :), Taelyn (Oh and ah, I'm GLAD! ;) Thanks a lot, girl! And I'll try...) :), skyz (*smiles* Doesn't seem like anyone's into Susannah... I can't understand why! Why?! Why?! *just kidding*) ;) and MissK (in da house! :) Why, thank you kindly and happy you like!).

To all, thank you thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I LOVE reading what you think and if the story line is getting you thinking and wondering and guessing! That's the best part! Hope this chapter was fast enough! ;)

And of course, that you liked it!!!

A.M.L, Annie.