Song Fic: I Try by Macy Gray Disclaimer- McG and Josh Schwartz own the O.C., I just wish I did.

A/N: This takes place after the episode "The Truth" which will air Feb. 11

He woke up with a start, sweating and scared. Another nightmare. Ryan looked at the clock. 4:51. Oh well, he would have to get up in about an hour anyway, might as well stay up.

Ryan stared out the window. The rain was pouring and his world was falling. Just last week Marissa's friend Oliver had almost committed suicide in front of Marissa. When Ryan heard Marissa scream, it was the worst minute of his life. He just had to help Oliver. For Marissa's sake.

Yep, Ryan talked Oliver out of committing suicide. As an afterthought, Ryan thought it would have been better to let the kid do the deed. But he had Marissa back. Or at least her thanks. And his one and only wish was for Marissa to be happy.

So there.

Now Marissa wanted to "start things over." But Ryan needed time. Much as he would like to forget the whole incident, he couldn't ignore the fact that Marissa, who had been his girlfriend, had chosen Oliver, who had been just a friend, time after time. It broke Ryan's heart to tell Marissa that they had to wait. But he had to do it.

Ryan walked into the kitchen, his hair soaked. Kirsten was at the stove making tea. Ryan opened a cabinet and got some cereal. He got the skim milk in the purple container from the refrigerator. Kirsten turned around.

"Honey, are you okay?" Kirsten's eyes showed anxiety.

Ryan shrugged. Inside, he felt like his life had exploded into a million pieces. And he didn't know when or what would make him break.

"You don't look too good. Do you feel sick?" Ever the concerned mother, Kirsten felt Ryan's head. "You feel warm, sweetie. Do want to stay home from school today?"

Ryan breathed a sigh of relief, nodding yes.

"And, if you need anything, I'm just a phone call away. Seth will pick up your homework."

"Thanks," Ryan answered weakly.

Kirsten lowered her voice. "And if you need anyone to talk to, about, well you know, I'm always here for you."

Ryan gave her one of his half-smiles, grabbing a spoon from a drawer.

"I think I'll eat this in the pool house," Ryan walked quickly to the pool house before the tears started to flow.

God, why was he so emotional all of a sudden?

Ryan set the bowl down on his desk. He crawled into his bed and started crying. And not just a few sniffles. No, when Ryan Atwood was this distraught, nothing could stop the waterworks.

Worn out from crying, Ryan fell asleep quickly. He was woken up by the sound of his phone.

Groggily, he picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey Ry, how are you feeling?" Seth's familiar voice answered.

"A little better. I just woke up," Ryan answered.

"That's good. So um, Anna wants to talk to you," Seth said, a bit nervously.

Good thing Ryan couldn't see Seth. Seth was a horrible liar, but over the phone he was a little more believable.

"Okay," Ryan shrugged. Anna and him were okay friends. It was nice of her to want to talk to him.

"Okay, I'm putting her on. Feel better man," Seth replied.

"Hi Anna," Ryan said, as he heard the phone being passed into other hands.

"This isn't Anna. Are you feeling okay, Ryan?" Marissa said.

Ryan froze. He hadn't wanted to talk to her. Not now. He couldn't bear talking to her while knowing that she wasn't his.

*I try to say goodbye and I choke*

Ryan cleared his throat. "How are you?" he asked softly.

"Okay," Marissa's voice trembled. "But I miss you."

"I miss you too," he whispered, even though there was no one home.

"Ryan, I've been thinking. And I know you said that you don't want me back right now, but please, I'll do anything," Marissa pleaded.

"I can't--" Ryan couldn't even get the words out. They were lies anyway.

*Try to walk away and I stumble*

"Ry? Are you there?" Marissa asked.

"Yeah, sorry," Ryan said.

"Can I come over after school?"

Ryan shrugged even though he knew Marissa couldn't see him. "If you want," he said, hoping he sounded nonchalant. He missed her, wanted her, needed her.

*Though I try to hide it, it's clear, my world crumbles when you are not here*

"I love you," Marissa ended the call.

"So, I'm guessing that things went well," Seth said to Marissa, taking his cell phone and putting it back in his backpack.

"I don't know yet. But he said I could come see him after school. That's something, right?" Marissa searched for answers in Seth's eyes.

Seth felt pained when he looked at Marissa. The longing, the love, the need for Ryan in her life. She had questions about Ryan that Seth couldn't answer. And he wanted to be able to answer them. Didn't want Marissa's heart to be breaking before him. Especially when he couldn't do anything about it.

Marissa drove Seth and Anna home from school. She left Anna and Seth to their video game marathon and ran through the ran to the pool house. She knocked on the doors, which were locked.

After his phone call from Marissa, Ryan had gone back to sleep. A low tapping at the door woke him. He immediately recognized her silhouette.

Ryan jumped up from his bed. Marissa peered through the glass door and saw him walking towards the door. In nothing but a pair of plaid boxers.

He opened the door and let her in, quickly shutting it so that the rain wouldn't follow her.

"I'm sorry you had to wait. I was sleeping," Ryan explained.

"It's okay," Marissa answered. Ryan couldn't help but notice her shivering.

After all, Marissa's body was drenched. "Do you want something dry to wear?"

She nodded, so he got her a pair of Harbor High Soccer sweatpants and a wife beater. She went into the bathroom to change and emerged, looking beautiful as usual.

Ryan sat down on the bed and Marissa sat next to him. She lay back and he did the same. Staring at the ceiling, each waiting for the other to break the awkward silence.