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What Is To Be

-Thirteenth-

By Annie

2003-09-25

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Buffy looked up when Spike entered the kitchen; as he came up and stopped by her she asked:

"How is she?"

"She's... a bit shook up," he answered, then addressed the whole assembly as he added: "Angel says we might as well turn in. He'll have the pictures developed in the morning."

The others nodded to that, beginning to clean up after themselves as they kept the conversation low. The sound of cutlery and silverware being put into the dishwasher was the only other sound as Buffy glanced at Spike. He looked so weary that she grew hesitant whether she should approach the subject of what Susannah had had to disclose, or if she would do best at letting it lie. Finally she merely said:

"I guess we should postpone our... talk. It feels a little bit weird, with everything else going on, you know?"

Only he looked at her as though, no, he didn't know at all and she felt the slight need to bite her tongue off, though she suppressed it and merely smiled a little tryingly. He returned it, as tentatively as hers formed, and then he nodded.

"You're right," he stated. "When Susannah's better..."

"Yeah," Buffy agreed quietly.

"Not that she's... I mean, she's rattled - but she's not..." he practically mumbled before he shook his head and met her gaze again. "But you're right."

Buffy observed him for a few seconds and then her smile broadened slightly.

"Well, good night, then," she said and he struggled not to let his eyes grow too longing as she started passed him, heading for the door. She glanced over her shoulder at him as she reached the doorway and then paused as she couldn't resist adding: "It truly was a lovely dance."

"The whole event?" he stopped her and her smile grew even further as he finished: "Or ours?"

Her eyes told him all the answer he could ever want on the subject before she disappeared from view and he felt the need to catch his breath. Leaning back against the counter behind him he smiled to himself.

She still had the power to make his knees weak with one long glance.

Good to know.

***

For two hours Buffy had been trying to fall asleep. Actually she had been struggling to fall asleep. Fighting a battle against the all too clear thoughts of him and of his eyes and lips and touch... Of how he proved that something so close could still be so far away. She could almost feel him with her, next to her... and yet those short moments leading to his door seemed infinitely distant and out of the question.

She turned herself over on her back for the thousandth time and opened her eyes in growing fury with herself, glaring up into the darkness and the shadow which was the ceiling and wishing that the color of night wasn't blue. That it wasn't such a strong reminder of times shared with him.

Just as she decided to shut her eyes again a soft noise outside her door made them open once more and she felt a searing want to sit up and yell at whoever - or whatever - was outside to stop being such a thoughtless dumb- ass skulking around in the middle of the night making her even more wide awake than she already was.

She didn't, though she did sit up and her Slayer side took over as her eyes caught the shape of the doorknob, and it began to slowly turn. She slid soundlessly off the bed and sneaked up to the door, taking a silent breath she then reached out, grabbed the knob and twisted it with a flick of her wrist before yanking the door open.

"Jesus!" Spike exclaimed. "What the bleeding hell are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?!" he added and she stared at him wide-eyed before she started to laugh.

"You should've..." she finally breathed between fits as she took a step backward and held one hand to her side. "You should've... seen... your face!"

He gave her a look and when her merriness still refused to retract he grumbled:

"Stop it," though the corners of his mouth were beginning to curl as well.

"I'm sorry," she collected herself, squaring her shoulders as she met his gaze; her own still sparkling with humor and his smile grew at the sight of it. "I'm not used to being the one jumping out and scaring YOU."

"Ah, but I never scared you," he retorted and she giggled.

"So, you admit that I just did," she shot and he smirked.

"The 'almost gave me a heart attack' comment already gave me away," he remarked and she raised her eyebrows.

"Right," she then agreed; her smile still on and for a few seconds they merely eyed each other before he snapped out of it and asked:

"Having trouble sleeping?"

"Why do you think that?" she asked back, an innocently uncomprehending look on her face.

"I don't think even a Slayer wakes up for a simple creak in a floorboard," he replied and she took a step closer as she said:

"Then you think very wrong. My God, did all those years teach you nothing?"

He smirked again.

"So... having trouble sleeping?" he repeated his question and she smiled a genuine smile at that before she shrugged.

"Not more than usual," she answered. "A good hour of tossing and another one of turning and I'll be ready for that run around the block," she added. "After that I usually like to stare."

"Big fan of the staring myself," he nodded.

"Wall or ceiling?" she wondered and his smile grew back on before he replied.

"Ceiling."

She nodded, her face mock-serious as she leaned against the doorframe and crossed her arms over her chest.

"All-time favorite," she agreed, looking at him before asking: "So, why'd you come here?"

"Well, it just so happens that your room is between parts and... other parts of this building," he replied and she furrowed her brow, then a light was lit in her eyes and she smiled widely at that comment.

"I remember that," she said. "I can't believe I actually... remember that," she then close to murmured as his eyes grew prodding and she swallowed. "Okay, so I've tossed - AND turned, and I've had time to do the regular stare... I haven't taken on the run yet, but I was thinking..."

She trailed off and he raised his eyebrows.

"Yes?" he then urged.

"Well, since we're up anyways... and neither of us has anything better to do... perhaps we could...?"

"Out with it, I don't have ALL night," he said and she gave him a look which had him smirking.

"Talk?" she finished and the warmth of his smile made her feel her cheeks gently begin to burn, making her avert her gaze and turn around to go and get her robe. "Let's do it in your room," she said to cover this new state up. "It's bigger."

When she turned around, tying the waistband of the piece of clothing and meeting his eyes she shook her head at him.

"What?" he asked as she came up to the doorway and when she gave him a push in the chest as she walked passed him he repeated the inquiry.

"I know what you were thinking," she stated and he stared at her, offended; which made her stop and turn back to him with an extremely meaningful expression on her face and he smiled again.

"Spike would've turned that sentence into meaning something like that," he said. "William... he might not."

"Oh, please, don't get me started on the whole who's who, what's what, Spike, really! I mean, it's confusing enough as it is!" she stated, beginning to walk down the hall toward the stairs and he followed her, feeling light as a feather with contentment.

"Are you gonna get philosophical on me, love?" he asked and she shook her head.

"That's not what I mean... And it's beside the point anyway. I can still SEE what you're thinking, you know?" she stated and his smile merely broadened.

"And what was that?" he wondered, taking the stairs by her side and the question making her open her mouth to reply as she turned her gaze in his before she paused and suddenly looked extremely self-conscious.

"It's so strange that I don't even know your last name," she said and he smirked as she pushed the door to his room open and he followed her through it as she added: "Don't you think that's strange?"

"Well, you never asked me, did you?" he asked back and she stopped in the middle of the floor, turning to face him.

"What's your last name, Will?" she wondered and he tilted his head a little to one side before he replied:

"Kingsley."

***

"And then what?" he asked, smiling widely at the anecdote Buffy was at the end of and she laughed, shaking her head.

"I'm not sure I should tell you," she murmured and he gave her a look which said that she'd better and she giggled, meeting his gaze before she complied and said: "Giles got it by its tail, right? And Willow's holding onto it for dear life by the horns... and with their help I was able to do it. And to be honest it was the strangest, bordering on disgusting and still liberating experience I've ever had. Well, remember I had been battling with it for like two hours or something."

"In a barn," he filled in and she smiled widely.

"I KNEW I shouldn't have told you!" she then muttered, giving him a push with one leg where he lie on the bed, facing her, and he smirked.

"No, no, I can see how milking a cow for the first time would be close to religious; as far as experiences go," he then stated seriously.

"Shut up!" she exclaimed and his smirk merely broadened before he asked:

"And going to 'Jo-Jo's Live Kettle Farm' was whose idea again?"

"Look, Dawn thought we needed to do something... normal," she answered. "And at the time..."

".dressing up as a milking-maid with ringlets and a checkered apron just seemed like the 'normal' thing to you?" he filled in and she laughed again, hiding her face in her hands and growling in mock-agitation with his teasing.

They had been talking for nearly half an hour. At first it had been trying and tentative, but soon the questions began to push forth and with them came honest answers and reappearing curiosity with each other, with what had been happening to them both. Buffy had felt as though she had been in a vacuum at times the past year, but now, retelling the tale of what she had spent her time with, it dawned on her that she had actually been doing something with it. She had seen places she had dreamed of since she was a child.

Glancing at Spike she wondered, as always, what he was thinking in that moment. His eyes glittering with mirth as they met hers and she smiled back, gentle shivers down her spine as she felt that balloon of happiness swell even further inside her. It was just a matter of time before it burst, and then what?

"So, I know Dawn's in school," he said and she nodded, pulling out of her musings.

"She is. She studies on her own accord now, even... She wants to become a lawyer, can you believe that? She says she's going to open the first law practice that handles both human and demon related cases... I mean, she knows there are such firms out there, but she hates how corrupted they are. They don't need to win their cases, they can just live on their bribes," Buffy stated, then smiled a little. "At least according to my sister."

"Well," Spike replied. "I always knew she'd change the world. One way or another."

Buffy's eyes turned tender in a way he had never seen them before and he stared into them before he swallowed and she seemed to see the change on him as she averted her gaze and began to pluck with a wrinkle in the sheet she was lying on.

"You always had that," she then mumbled, looking into his eyes again as she added: "faith."

He smiled at that.

"That crazy bird? I don't think anyone's ever had her," he then said and Buffy furrowed her brow before she blinked.

"Oh yeah, I've been wondering about that. Where is Faith?" she asked and Spike shrugged.

"She left about a month ago on some assignment she wouldn't breathe two words about. Angel business. She takes that really serious, you know," he answered. "I'm pretty sure old Peaches knows exactly where she is, but I haven't heard a word from her since she went away..."

"I'm glad," Buffy said and he raised his eyebrows. "No! Not that she hasn't... I mean, I'm glad that she's okay. She didn't want to come with to England... I lost touch with her after we left America. When Angel mentioned she was here, I guess I just let it slide," she added, the last sentence coming out laced with guilt.

"She spoke well of you," Spike said and Buffy met his gaze again. "She admires you, I think. And, weird as it may sound, you're the closest thing to family that she's got. In a way..."

"Oh, God, don't say it," Buffy grumbled, though she smiled and he returned it.

"You're like the sis she never had," he finished and Buffy huffed.

"I thought of her," she then admitted. "Often. But for a while everything reminding me of Sunnydale just pained and... I guess that while was enough. I should've written her."

"Don't worry about it, love," he reassured.

"Okay," she smiled and he smiled back, the moment once more stretching before Buffy shook her head a little and sat up.

She kept getting lost in the past as well as the present. Memories dancing with the fact of him being there, so near.

Spike observed her profile. The few candles he had lit cast shadow and light in a jumble up the walls and across her face. She had always looked beautiful in the soft glow of fire.

"And Red?" he asked, breaking the silence.

Buffy didn't look at him this time, merely pulled one leg up to rest her chin against the knee and then she answered:

"She lives about an hour from Giles... She's a member of the coven that helped her after she went all world-destruction-y. And she helps others now, with the same problems she had from using too much magic. I think she's happy... She's not seeing anyone new, but she seems to be content with that... for now. And she's powerful, of course. She's been on some journeys of her own, helping to prevent catastrophes of major proportions... She's strong," the Slayer finished and Spike eyed her for a moment or so, watching how she once again seemed to retract into deeper reflection on her own words.

He wondered what she was thinking.

"And Xander?" he then urged her to continue, the sound of her voice was so sweet that he didn't want to be forced to give it up quite yet.

"He's doing well," she nodded, turning her head to meet his gaze. "He's in New York, working as a manager at a construction company... He got the job in spite of his handicap and I'm proud of him. He's made a life for himself there. The last time we spoke - a week ago, I think it is now - he had actually just met a girl. It's a huge step for him... I think that in his heart of hearts he hasn't gotten over Anya yet. Or the fact that he didn't get to say good-bye."

She trailed off, her gaze growing aggrieved and then she scooted off the bed and stood. Spike observed her walking about the room. It was one of the larger suites of the hotel, though it wasn't in any condition to even compare to what it must have looked like in its glory days; it was still comfortable.

The large bed stood in the middle of the room against the wall opposite the door. There was an old desk by the three high windows to the left and an old-fashioned closet with one door hanging slightly askew off its hinges. The floor was bare; he liked the cool feel of the wooden boards. And the last piece of furniture was the one Buffy last came across on her stroll, and by which she also stopped: a heavy-looking chest-of-drawers which stood to the right of the bed, a few feet away from it. On top of it ruled a collection of drawings contained in pretty, wooden frames. Buffy stared at one of them before she reached out a hand and touched the picture of it.

"Did you...?" she mumbled, pausing before finishing: "Did you make these?"

"Yes," he answered simply and she pulled her hand back as though she had been doing something wrong, turning her eyes in his.

"They're beautiful," she then said, looking back at the drawing of her younger sister. "I mean, I knew you could draw... but this," she added and he frowned, questioning. She smiled as she once more looked back at him and saw the expression. "Don't you remember?" she asked, coming back up to him and sitting down next to him as he sat up as well. "Chains. Crypt. Drusilla... Shrine," she then added with a meaningful look and his eyes suddenly widened with enlightenment when he realized where she had seen his display of talent before.

She kept the smile on, but he couldn't return it.

"All the things I did," he grumbled, looking away from her and down at his hands. "I tried to make it better, make it good... and all I did was hurt you."

She shook her head a little, moving one hand to slide it into his and locking their fingers together.

"That's not true," she said and he glanced up at her.

"Sometimes I wish I could undo it," he confessed and her eyes widened before her grip tightened and she said:

"Don't ever wish that."

He reached up a hand and gently touched her cheek, making her close her eyes briefly before she met his again.

"Buffy," he said silently and she smiled a small smile before she let her gaze grace his lips.

She wanted so badly to lean forward and... Her heart skipped a beat and she bit the inside of her cheek hard before she snapped out of it. He opened himself to her and she couldn't focus on anything better than how much she had missed his kisses? Who did she think she was? He sat there, vulnerable and as true as ever, and she tainted that in this way?!

She clenched her jaws together and felt like kicking herself before she took her gaze out of his again.

His hand had already left her cheek, but now he had a small frown on as he noticed how a flash of shame moved across her features, and then it dispersed. However, she stubbornly kept her eyes on a spot somewhere in front of her feet and he had to keep himself from making her look back up at him.

"And what about you?" he asked gently, receiving a short glance from her before she looked away once more.

"What about me?" she asked back and the hand of his still holding hers gave it a little squeeze, having her finally move her head to rest her eyes in his again.

"I know you've milked cows and lived in England for a while and then that you've traveled," he replied, having a small smile draw itself on her lips and he felt pleased at seeing it there. "But," he then continued, "I don't know what you've really wanted... What the sights you've seen has given you. What you've dreamed. What you've felt..."

"You wanna know what I've felt?" she interrupted so suddenly that he was rather surprised, her voice drenched in tears and she fought the quiver they produced back before she pulled her hand out of his and stood for a second time.

He looked up at her as she walked over to the chest-of-drawers and halted by it with her back still to him and her shoulders slouched. Then she straightened her posture and grew close to rigid. Again he wondered what thoughts were running around inside her mind.

"Wanna know what I've dreamed?" she grumbled, turning partially to him and he blinked as the very real tears now in her eyes glimmered in the sustained light of the candles standing on the bedside table.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Buffy," he said honestly and a weak smile escaped her before she shook her head.

"I know, you never mean to..." she mumbled, then turned her head to the row of drawings and tried to stroke away the obstacle before her sight with one hand, succeeding at least to satisfaction as she then reached it out and straightened the positioning of the one she had disturbed earlier.

Taking all of the portrays in, there was the same pang she had felt before as she saw not even a trace of one of herself among them.

There was one of Angel and Cordelia, one of Fred and Gunn and Wesley, one of Faith, the one of Dawn, even one of a being Buffy didn't recognize - he closely resembled a devil, with two small horns in his forehead, and an absolutely incredible depicting of Susannah... but none of the Slayer.

Buffy swallowed hard, not ready to break into pieces before him as she wondered if he had even thought of her at all. What if he had tried to move on? What if he had managed to do just that? What if he had expected to never see her again and her showing up now simply threw that plan into a bag for the time being and brought back old behavior of warmth and feelings and smiles...?

Okay, she was freaking out over nothing. She needed to take a breath and calm down.

She drew that breath shakily, steadying herself and taking a final brush to clear away the wetness of her face before she turned back to him.

"I'm sorry," she said. "There's just so much..."

She trailed off and his eyes grew soft as he smiled a little. She returned it, then slowly approached him again. Taking her seat she sighed.

"I thought about you," she stated, looking up and holding his gaze firmly. "All the time I thought about you. Wherever I was... I wondered if you'd been there. Whatever I saw I wondered if you'd seen it. And every night... I dreamed of you. I saw that cave, I saw the look in your eyes, I felt your hand in mine, and I tried... to change it. So that you lived."

He stared at her, and then her face fell apart and she couldn't hold the sobs down anymore. He didn't hesitate before he reached out and pulled her to him. Her arms wrapped around him as she buried her face in the crook of his neck and he held her tight.

"I wanted you to live," she said, one of her hands sliding into his hair as she pressed herself closer to him and he tried to straighten out all the pieces of information that poured at him from all sides.

His nerves telling him that she was so very close, his hands taking in the smooth skin of her back since they had slid inside her opened robe, his nose enthralled with a trace of vanilla still lingering on the skin of her throat and his mind repeating the words she had just spoken.

Perhaps he had never doubted the fact that she had wanted him to survive... but hearing her say it...

He closed his eyes.

"Shh," he soothed carefully. "Buffy..."

She pulled back, her cheeks streaked with her tears and her eyes locking in his. His heart stopped for that long moment, and that was the only thing he was absolutely sure of.

"Spike," she close to whispered before she smiled barely noticeably.

She didn't think anymore, she let her emotions rule her and the wish for him had been the stronger one for such a long time that it was a natural leader. God, how she had missed him.

The tip of her nose touched his, and then she scraped it tenderly along the side of his before she closed her eyes. Her heart was beating a million miles per hour and she felt a tremble go through her as she carefully moved her head; everything was slow motion and then her lips brushed against his.

His hands were at the small of her back and at the light touch his grip on her hardened again. She took this as encouragement and kissed him almost cautiously on the mouth.

The first caress after so, so long... it was pure heaven and she felt a fear tear through her at the thought of him pulling away, ending it before it even started.

But then his lips met hers on his accord and she smiled a little at the feel before she returned it. They both seemed to pause for just a second, and then they parted their lips at the same time, their embrace getting their chests flush against the other as their tongues found each other. Spike slid one hand down her thigh and took a hold under the knee to move her legs and cross them over his, making her practically sit on his lap and the nearness that much easier to access.

The kiss was deep and lazy, it was an exploration of territory still familiar and yet so delightfully new. The play was gentle and yet every new turn carried a slight note of pending passion that had been sleeping for so long, resting somewhere beneath the surface for the appropriate time to rise and bat its wings once more.

Buffy felt it whenever there was some shift in his body against hers, her own responding immediately to the insinuation of what may come of flesh against flesh...

We can't... she tried to tell herself. It's too soon...

But he was kissing her the way he always had. There was a demand behind it. A call she couldn't ignore or pretend wasn't there because every particle of her returned it. Craved it. She needed him so much. She had fantasized of him too many times for her to count while she was alone in her bed, struggling with another night of sleepless hours... And now he was there, feeling too good to be true. And everything that had been thrown out of course was coming back into how they had first started out.

"Spike..." she murmured, kissing him back when he wouldn't let her end it and then trying to pull away from him as she took a breath. "Spike," she repeated and he opened his eyes to look at her, questioning. "We can't..." she mumbled, though her gaze was veiled with a different conviction and he licked his lips before he joined them with hers again.

Her taste was full like red wine and sweet as honey and he had never had it slip over his tongue the way it was now. Everything he was feeling was enhanced, was heightened by live flesh and blood and heart beat. A heart that right then was beating heavily within his chest and he was aching with something he hadn't felt in a long time. The desire for her was so unmasked and unchanged that it filled him without him having any chance at a defense and he couldn't help but relish in it.

"No," she breathed, finally breaking free and pulling away to get to her feet on much too weak legs as she looked at him. "This is a bad idea, and bad timing, and... bad all together."

"Wasn't that always part of the thrill?" he shot and she held his gaze, her face growing very serious before she nodded.

"Yes," she then said. "It was."

He frowned slightly, growing questioning as to what underlying meaning he could read into that statement before she added:

"I should go... Good night."

"Buffy."

"Good night," she cut him short as she walked up to the door, giving him a small smile before she opened it and disappeared through it.

He threw himself back on the bed and closed his eyes.

Wow.

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FINALLY I get to update! Okay, so my stupid floppy crashed on me last week and I had to re-write this chapter! It's all good though, it actually turned out for the better. :) and then last night, of course, the site wouldn't let me enter! Grr. But now, at last, I can get this out there! Yay!

Very warm thanks to wolf116 (it really is absolutely fab that I get you thinking! Glad you liked!) ;), Keleven (Glad you liked, but well, what did you think of THIS chapter then?) :), Winters1 (*smiles* I'm glad you enjoyed!) :), Taelyn (*grin* It's good that I can put feelings in you, no matter from where they stem! ;) Oh, okay, so you've softened up to her then? I'll keep the acid outta there.) ;), Mel (Happy you liked that, and thanks for the congrats, and hope you liked this too!) :), darklover (thank you! Hope you still think!) :), Rachel9 (Well, it's really nice to read that about waht you think of Susannah and such. Thanks! And thanks for the congrats!) :), maribel (glad to read that!) :), skyz (That's more than great to read! Fun that you're "tolerating" Angie! ;) Awesome that you're enjoying this, girl! Thank you!) :), Tobert (happy you like!) :), Captain (Now, you loving the story is just incredibly great, but on top of that offering me another slice of Spike?! Wow.) ;), tkeeke (that's more than lovely to read! I'm flattered! Thank you, so glad that you like!) :) and skybound (heh-heh about the Susannah comments. And ouch to the Hurricane Isabel comment! Ugh! Take care!) :)

To all - thank you!!!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it got to be a little bit longer than most others but it just craved the attention and I had to give it to it so... I hope you're happy with it! ;)

A.M.L, Annie.