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What Is To Be

-Fourteenth-

By Annie

2003-09-29

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Spike opened his eyes again, stretching out further on the bed in order to reach the handle of the bedside table drawer. He pulled it out and proceeded to slide his hand inside it, shuffling the contents around for a short while before his fingers were able to grasp the frame of the one picture Buffy had been searching so in vain for.

He pulled it out and brought it so that he could rest his eyes on her beautiful face. How he had drawn her was how he had always wanted to see her - happy. Aglow. He had never been able to instill that emotion in her. All she had ever connected to him was death. In one way or another all their moments, even those spent in resemblance to harmony, had been laced with pain and confusion and underlying doubt in what was right between them ultimately being wrong.

Now he let his fingertips grace the picture of her.

She was laughing, smiling at someone to the side of the frame. It was funny how his hand had made her that way without his mind really having anything to do with it. He hadn't felt as though he had the right to make her do anything - even if that 'anything' was nothing more than having her look directly in his eyes out of a stupid drawing.

"I never had you," he mumbled. "And yet I managed to lose you."

Her kiss.

It had been... mind-blowing, world-altering, earth-shattering...

Did she understand what she did to him? What her doing what she did to him meant to him? And she had stopped herself. She had stopped them. Why? From what she had said just before she left his room he had almost gotten the sense that she...

What was he doing? Why was he lying there trying to figure out what her motive was? What kind of a moron was that labeling him as?

He needed to speak with her.

Right now.

Sitting up he unceremoniously threw the drawing to the side, scooted to the edge and quickly got off the bed, walking up to the door and through it.

He'd tell her everything. How he'd missed her. How he'd thought of her, just as she had him... He'd tell her everything.

Buffy slowed as she reached the door of her bedroom, stopping completely on the threshold.

His scent was still all around her. His touch lingered on her skin, and his kiss... She had finally felt like she had reached that place where she was supposed to be. No more need to search, no more need to journey far and wide. In every corner of the world she had kept a look-out for the spot that sang of him and the only one that did was right where he was. Right where she had been a minute or so ago...

And she had pulled out of it.

Terrified.

She was terrified that it would be a mistake to rush into a behavioral pattern which caused their destruction last time.

As this thought churned through her head, however, she suddenly smiled widely. It sounded more than ridiculous. Behavioral pattern? Yes, they did sleep together, and she used him relentlessly, and he let her willingly. And in the end the situation had broken in two and so had they. But now? Kissing him now was like breathing fresh air for the first time. Him close to her was a state of rejoice, because she had so firmly told herself it would never happen again.

What was she doing? Why was she repeating her mistake? Why was she retracting when she should be pushing forward with everything in her? She had been granted a second chance, was she truly so foolish that she wouldn't take it?

I don't want to rush, she thought meekly. I can't rush this!

So don't! the voice of reason countered. But don't have him think that you don't care about him. Go to him right now and ask him all the questions you still have unanswered. And tell him, Buffy. Tell him.

At that she swirled around and hurried back down the hallway.

Spike felt exhilarated and scared and ready and as he took the corner of the stairs he bumped into someone harshly, fingers splaying against his abs as he came to a short halt and then looked down; into eyes of green and he was entangled in them as he stared at her.

Her hands against his bare stomach and her head tilted back, painted in a weak beam of moonlight falling through the hallway, she looked irresistible and a small look of wonder placed itself upon his face as it slowly became clear to him that she had been on her way back - to him.

Buffy's heart was hammering, making it difficult to breathe easily, but she couldn't notice anything but that expression in his eyes. The way he was observing her now was how he always had. His gaze seeing through all her walls of protection, through all her layers of falsehoods, through that brick-wall of strength and right into her.

Just her.

And it had always been enough.

Her fingers slid over his chest, over taut muscles and warm skin and then she stepped close to him, tilting her head back further and feeling his hands glide over her hips before pushing her to him and she smiled a little.

Wetting her lips she felt the anticipation grow within her. His torso was heaving gently against the thin fabric of her short nightgown, he was so real the feeling in her chest nearly pained her as she wanted to write how much she loved him in her gaze so that he could read it, have it imbed itself within him.

And then he leaned forward and joined their lips and he kissed her deeply, greedily, starved for her blessing caress and she kept a low moan down as she wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him back heatedly. He turned them both around so that he could lean her against the wall behind her, fitting his body against hers and her tongue grew even more demanding at the movement. Her hands in his hair and sliding over the muscles of his strong arms and over the softness of his back and trying to take it all in.

Too fast, too fast, moving rapidly into overdrive and how could she resist him? How could she possibly have this second in time give way for childish need of practicality? She was in love with him, she had mourned him, and now an embrace lost to her over two years ago was finally being set back in motion. How could she stop the wheels of time from turning when they had brought her back to him? When they had so clearly meant for her to find her way back to him?

This wasn't too fast, it had been too long!

Together they began to make their way along the wall to the stairs. Still locked together they struggled up them, kissing and smiling and Buffy stifling her giggles whenever they stumbled. Reaching his door Buffy ended the kiss and stepped away from him before she walked backwards through the doorway, one of her hands taking one of his and pulling him with her.

He got close to her the next moment, getting his arms around her again and she smiled widely before they resumed the kiss and she closed her eyes as his tongue cautiously played with hers. The fervor was rising once again and he took a step forward, tripping her and they tumbled to the floor with a loud thud.

Buffy began to laugh as the kiss was broken and Spike did as well, before he hushed her and she smiled.

"It's YOUR fault," she then whispered and he returned her smile.

She sat up as he pulled himself back to sit on his knees and then he stood, taking her outstretched hands and helping her to her feet. She looked up at him and he met her gaze for a moment before they attacked each other again, their mouths crashing together and the kiss deepening as they started to get the tangle which was them over to the bed, shuffling the way they suspected it to be.

Spike's fingers slid down her sides and then grabbed the fabric of the piece of clothing she was wearing and her eyes opened to meet his just before he pulled it up and over her head. She swallowed, her gaze not leaving his as he simply threw the nightgown aside and then had her against him again.

Her nipples were stiff against his burning skin and he felt the ache for her intensify as her hands caressed his chest and slipped down to the knot holding up the pajama bottoms he was in. Then she smirked a little and he could do nothing but mirror it as she pulled the knot open and put her hands on either hip, making the hems of the bottoms slip over his skin and then tumble to lie around his ankles.

Her eyes were warm now, and she reached up one hand to slide it tenderly over his cheek before her smirk turned into a smile and he drew a small breath before he leaned forward and kissed her softly on the mouth.

Then he slid his hands down her back, over her buttocks making her mouth fall slightly agape and her eyes glaze over, and then he grabbed her thighs and made her let out a cry of surprise as he had her fall backward while he followed, landing on top of her as she hit the mattress of the bed and she suppressed her giggles with effort as she buried her face against his shoulder.

And then those giggles were pushed aside for an intake of breath as his mouth closed around her left nipple and she moaned her pleasure as she claimed fistfuls of his bleached curls.

She felt weak and rigid at the same time, her whole being filled with expectation as his lips and tongue trailed up to the side of her throat and further to her chin, kissing it before his mouth found hers again and she met his tongue with her own as he moved to fit himself between her legs.

They were both breathing heavily and he stopped the kiss, putting his forehead to hers and opening his eyes as she did the same. Then he moved his hips forward, slowly filling her and her eyes widened slightly. Once he was buried inside of her he lay still and she stared up at him as sweat began to break across her forehead, her lips practically brushing his as his face was so close.

Her breathing was becoming erratic now, her hands clasping his shoulders.

He bit his lower lip, moving his hips one fraction of an inch and having her gasp silently.

Then he let his mouth join with hers again, gently, deepening the kiss with care and having her tremble beneath him. They began to move together as though their bodies understood each other's language to perfection and she met his slow thrusts as low groans of building ecstasy kept escaping her.

The sensations within him were somehow stronger than before. The bliss coursing through him was intensified by live nerves and flesh and heart. A heart that was beating heavily inside his bosom and nerves that were tingling and aching and receiving her as her fingers slid over them. It was indescribable, the close to euphoria instilled in him as he was brought closer and closer to the peak, knowing that she was climbing it with him, hearing her low testament to what he was able to do to her... Making love.

He smiled at the thought, his lips still locked with hers, and then his eyes shot open and they met hers as the wave of pleasure came crashing over him. He was holding his breath, looking at her as the meaning of his life was a bright spot somewhere before his sight and the feel of her sweat streaked body weighed down with his own was the center of his entire universe. His love for her a pulsating light-bulb in the middle of his heart, shining up the last shadowed corner of his being and clearing up any confusion he might have had as to why he had been brought back.

Buffy kept her eyes in his as she watched the stricken expression in them. He looked as though what he was feeling was something he had never felt before, and it surprised her, because all the times she had been in his bed, all the times she had been in the very position she was in now, she had never seen him look like that.

She drew a small breath as she let the aftermath of the climax settle itself in her loins, spreading its relaxation with the blood pumping through her and she closed her eyes again as his lips met hers in a gentle kiss.

They were still holding onto each other. Were still one tight mass of body parts thrown together, neither one knowing where one started and the other one ended.

They didn't speak.

They didn't need to.

Because in the next moment their eyes once more met; and they both smiled.

***

"Tell me something you've never told anyone," she mumbled sleepily, two hours later.

She was secured in his arms, her head resting comfortably against his chest. She was filled with nothing but contentment. Her body tired in a very good way, the best way.

"Something I've never told anyone?" he asked, sounding thoughtful at the same time as wondering and she smiled a little. "Like a secret?" he added and she nodded.

"A deep one," she requested and he smiled as well, pressing her a little tighter to him before he furrowed his brow slightly.

What could he tell her? Something that wouldn't ruin the frail calm of this moment? Something that wouldn't dredge up dark memories...

"I was more nervous about tonight than you could even imagine," he finally murmured and she moved her head to look up at him, questioningly.

"Nervous?" she asked. "Why?"

"Well, to be honest... Bloody-..." he stopped himself in the muttered profanity and then rolled his eyes at her expression beginning to get much too curious and she seemed to grow more awake by the second. "Before I was turned I'd never... As a human I had never..."

For a second longer she looked oblivious as to where he was trying to take his sentences, and then her eyes widened with comprehension.

"YOU were a VIRGIN!" she exclaimed and his eyes grew as well.

"Would you keep it the sod down?!" he grumbled between clenched jaws just before she burst into a fit of giggles, resting her forehead against his chest. "If you don't stop that..." he threatened and she forced herself to quiet down, raising her head again and being completely unable to hold back her wide smile.

"I'm sorry," she said, not sounding as though she meant it even the slightest.

"Why's this such a shock?" he asked and she merely kept the smile on, making him add: "So, I was a romantic."

"Romantic? How old were you when you were turned anyways? Twenty-...seven?" she inquired and he cocked an eyebrow.

"Twenty-five," he then corrected. "But, does AGE have anything to do with it?" he asked and she shook her head.

"No, it doesn't. Except... I just find it a little bit hard to believe that you'd never... I mean, jeez, you're so..." She was blushing now, his gaze growing much too teasing at her stammering and she produced a smile for cover before she finished: "You're just so at home... in bed."

He laughed at that, then rested his eyes in hers again with the blue in his glittering and she smirked.

"I still remember my time as a vamp, you know," he pointed out with a meaningful glint in his gaze and she raised her eyebrows before she smiled once more, breaking eye-contact as her cheeks began to burn again and she felt slightly agitated at how she kept failing in hiding it from him.

"But still," she mumbled as his words finally sunk in and she looked back at him. "That means that in a way... I'm your... first. Doesn't it?" He nodded a little and she stared at him for a long while before she gently pulled herself up and put her lips to his, taking in his lower one and letting it go only for the upper one before she ended the kiss softly. "Thank you," she said, "for choosing me."

He held her gaze, observing her closely for a minute, and then he smiled tentatively.

"You're welcome," he replied and she returned the smile, letting one hand slide through his blonde curls as she watched his face, caught in the shape of his jaw, his nose, his mouth, and that striking color of blue out of which his eyes were born.

"I hope it was everything you thought it would be," she then said in a mock- dramatic tone and he smirked.

"It far exceeded..." he began his mock-dramatic reply and then he trailed off, once again just looking at her, and then he said: "It was different... Incredibly... different. ...Incredible. And you look..." The words wouldn't flow as he got lost in the fine curves of her face.

Buffy felt how she grew self-conscious under the tenderness of his gaze, but she couldn't get her eyes out of his and finally she merely smiled tryingly.

"What?" she nearly whispered and he smiled as well, sliding one hand's fingertips along her cheek before he shook his head a little.

"Everything," he then murmured and her smile widened slightly as his hands grabbed her upper-arms and pulled her closer before kissing her deeply, her response being unmistakable.

When they finally moved apart again Buffy giggled, shaking her head at his quizzical gaze and then saying:

"You're too good to be true."

He smiled as well, then kissed the tip of her nose and she sank down to place her head back on his chest, feeling how tired she actually was.

"Tell me something YOU'VE never told anyone," he said, voice low and grumbled with sleep as well.

She thought for a few moments, then said:

"When I first found out who I was... well, AM... and what was expected of me... I've never felt so scared and lost and alone and strong and sure all at the same time. And for so many years I wanted a way out of it, I truly did. It screwed everything up. School, friends, my family. But when all the other slayers were just all of a sudden... there; I don't know... I guess I felt a little like a piece of me was lost, forever. And I couldn't ever get it back. It's liberating to not be alone anymore, and I wouldn't want to go back to how it was... But sometimes I miss Sunnydale. I miss patrolling, and Giles busting my ass, and the house. God, I really miss that house. I miss the Bronze and all the familiar places... It's just a hole in the ground now, you know? Just a buncha memories."

She stopped talking at that and he felt a sudden sorrow at hearing her words as they brought back those memories much too vividly.

"Yeah," he then agreed, "that town saw one too many showdowns." He paused, then added: "I miss the sign."

"What?" she asked, furrowing her brow.

"The 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign. I'll never crash into it again," he sighed and she moved her head to look up at him, meeting his eyes and then laughing with him, as he did. "Don't worry," he then said. "There'll be new streets to walk, another city to be conquered by you, to be home... You'll create new memories. Better ones."

She smiled again at that, looking at him for another second before putting her cheek against his chest once more.

"I'm convinced you're right," she said, slipping one hand across his torso and keeping her smile on to herself.

Shivers hurried over her shoulders as he let one hand slide through her locks and she closed her eyes as he kept the movement up, repeating it gently.

"If you don't stop that I'll fall asleep," she warned.

"Good," he simply replied. "Sleep tight, love."

She smiled for the hundredth time and cuddled closer to him.

Yup, she thought. Creating better ones right now... with you.

**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** ******************

So, some more of the Spuffy lovin'. :)

Special and warm thanks to Winters1 *big smile!*, maribel :), Hot4Spike (Aw, come on, have I been doing such a poor job at making Buffy out as someone deeply in love?) :( ;), MissK *bows head* :), Keleven *heh-heh* :), Mel (thank you! And hope you enjoyed this then!) :), Captain (Great to read all your wonderful comments! :) And a Spike-bot PLUS ma very own cake? You're beginning to spoil me now!) :), Night *lol* :))), Tobert *awww and well...* ;) and darklover *smile!*

Huge thanks to all! Your feed back is always the perk of this whole set-up!

Hope you enjooooyed this chapter as well! :)

A.M.L, Annie.