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What Is To Be

-Nineteenth-

By Annie

2003-10-22

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"...figure out what to do."

"...called Darren."

"Good. Guess we'll have to wait and..."

The voices were distant, as though they were echoes of a dream just about to be forgotten. Only the burning sensation right beneath his skin told him that this was no slumber he was waking from, and he remembered with pointed clarity what had happened to render him unconscious. He eased his eyes open with difficulty, his gaze landing on Buffy who stood to his left; her arms crossed over her chest and her face pale with worry. And then it went to Fred, who was fidgeting where she stood and seemed to be wearing her nerves on the outside of her body.

"I'm..." he tried to soothe them both, but his voice broke and he drew a raspy breath.

Then he paused.

I don't need to breathe, he thought as Buffy and Fred turned to him with growing eyes.

He hesitated as he could still feel how his lungs were taking in air without his brain having anything to do with it. It seemed as though he had always done it, as though it was such a familiar thing that he didn't need to think that he should be doing it. But... he hadn't breathed for over two- and-a-half centuries. And so, in the next moment, he decided to stop. And he did. And nothing happened. He wasn't very surprised, he had, after all, not felt a pulse anywhere on him... Still.

"...you okay?!" Buffy finished and he squinted up at her, feeling bad that he seemed to have missed her whole tirade of fret and anxiety, and still slightly relieved over the fact.

His head was so heavy. He was so tired.

"Water..." he finally murmured as his mouth was incredibly dry.

Buffy nodded, but it was Fred who turned to the bedside table and grabbed the glass which stood there. She held it to his lips and though he slobbered some, most of it got into his mouth. It was heaven being able to fully move his tongue again, as it before had felt like a motionless stick of some kind. He gave the young woman a grateful look and then furrowed his brow.

"Cor...?" he asked and Buffy looked tentative as she unfolded her arms and avoided eye-contact for a short while, seemingly searching for the right words.

A wave of cold assumptions ran through him and he felt the overwhelming urge to get the hell off the bed to go search for her.

"She's pretty annoyed," Buffy then said and Angel frowned questioningly, having the gnawing in his chest be completely wiped out. "You'll see," Buffy then added, leaning forward and touching his forehead.

She pulled her hand away the next second, a small expression of surprised pain on her features and he furrowed his brow for a second time.

"He's burning up," she then said quietly to Fred, who got a look of sympathy mixed in with her apprehension.

"Darren should be here real soon," Fred assured and Buffy nodded before she gave Angel a smile and then left the room.

***

"I can't stand this! I'm a California girl, for God's sake! I'm not properly trained for this! I'm gonna go crazy!"

Cordelia threw the blankets off her shoulders as she paced the foyer, half an hour later. She had had five of the former wrapped around her, but since the chill she was under obviously was based within her they had done her no good. She hated the feeling of freezing: her teeth cluttering together, her whole body shaking, her lips blue and her skin white.

"And if you make an attempt at breathing even an insinuation that this is mere payback for the stone-cold ice-queen I dubbed myself in high school I swear to God!" she then added, her breath still visible at every word; the sentence spoken at the look of badly hidden amusement on Buffy's face.

"Not even thinking it!" the latter assured. "Well, of course, now that YOU mentioned it..." she added and Cordelia stopped her harsh steps for a moment in favor of giving the Slayer a dark glare.

"If looks could kill..." Spike murmured out of one corner of his mouth and Buffy smiled.

"I'm sorry, okay?" she then said and Cordelia replied by taking up her pacing again. "Darren'll analyze whatever it was he got from examining you and then we'll have a cure," Buffy added cheerfully.

"Yeah, right, 'cause Darren's a genius and he'll just have the answer straight away, I won't have to endure this for more than a couple of hours, I won't face the end of the world a giant frickin' popsicle!" Cordelia growled, though it seemed mostly to herself.

Buffy made a face of well-so-much-for-the-supportive-approach and Spike slid one hand in one of hers comfortingly. She smiled at the gesture, leaning closer to him before giving him a long kiss on the lips.

"None of us would let that happen," Wesley now ensured Cordelia in light of her previous statement and she was about to respond when a voice from the stairs did it for her with:

"Depends on which flavor you are."

Cordelia spun around, her face lighting up considerably at the site of the vampire and the thunder cloud she had persistently brought forth to hover above her dissolved the next moment.

Happy days are here again, Buffy thought as she rested her head on Spike's shoulder, then she smiled to herself.

"Angel," Cordelia said, meeting the other as he carefully took the steps of the stairs. "You okay?"

"As okay as the word goes," he muttered, then returned her smile. "How about you?"

"I'm... strawberry," she stated and he laughed.

"I'm tempted," he then said and she smiled a little before they remembered they weren't alone.

"So... what happened?" she asked and they both grew serious, as did the rest of the assembled as they waited for his reply.

"I'm not sure... it was like I could feel the demon, and it was clawing me from the inside, and it was screaming at me..." he mumbled, trailing off.

"What did it scream?" she wondered and he met her gaze again.

"I couldn't understand the words," he answered silently.

Cordelia observed the sweat still lingering as a coating all over his skin.

"You still warm?" she asked and he nodded a little.

"Can't seem to keep my mouth from growing dry as a desert either," he muttered. "I haven't swallowed this much water since I was sent to the bottom of the ocean," he added and she smiled a small smile at that, her eyes still concerned.

Then she shivered and put her arms around her.

"You still cold?" he inquired and it she gave him a meaningful look, having him smile a little as he remembered the comment with which he had entered the room.

Then he cautiously reached up one hand and touched her cheek. She clenched her jaws together, the hurt which spread through her skin were like fine threads of electricity. When he moved his palm to grace the spot she pushed his arm away and took a step back as she shook her head.

"I can't," she said, her eyes welling up with sudden tears as the pain he had instilled within her flesh grew, then it began to retract.

As it did, she blinked at the salty liquid and it slowly slipped down her left cheek, toward the spot he had just touched; only there was a small crackling noise as the water froze directly on her skin and her eyes widened.

"What's happening to me?" she asked.

None of them had an answer.

***

Buffy stood outside, in the middle of the garden, gazing up at the four aligning stars and feeling how time was beginning to slip away from them. Forte had to be a good lead, he had to have the bottle which they were looking for, it had to be of some use to them or...

"You worried about them?" Spike's voice asked behind her and she didn't bother turning around, knowing that his arms would soon slip around her.

She was right, the next moment they did, and she leaned her head back to rest it against him.

"Angel and Cordy?" she asked and she could feel how he nodded. "Yeah," she admitted. "But most of everything I'm scared this is just another one of those insolvable puzzles. We already have so many."

"Tomorrow we might get some answers," he offered and she smiled.

"Who died and made you the optimist?" she then asked and he laughed softly.

"My demon?" he suggested and she laughed as well, turning around in his arms before putting her own around his neck.

"William, darling," she said and he smiled as well.

"Yes, sweetheart?" he then wondered and she eyed him for a few seconds, then she pulled herself closer and kissed him deeply.

They gently ended it and both now wore smiles of contentment as they once again looked at each other.

"It'll be all right," he assured and she held his gaze for a long time, knowing that within them she could find a power source unlike any other from which she would always be able to draw strength.

"It doesn't matter," she mumbled, "as long as I'm beside you whatever happens."

His grip on her tightened.

"What happened to make you a pessimist?" he then demanded and she looked up at him, her smile dying and he knew the answer before she even gave it. "Listen to me," he murmured. "We'll survive this, all of us - and then we'll go back to England and you'll see your sis again, Red, even the bloody poof. Understand?"

The smile was reborn.

"You'd do that?" she asked. "You'd come with me to England?"

He looked quizzical.

"Weren't you the one who said you could live there?" he asked back and she stared at him before she laughed out loud, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

"I wasn't sure you'd wanna... I mean, you've made a life for yourself here and..."

"Shh," he hushed, holding her to him and smiling with her. "Never heard the old saying 'Home is where the heart is'? Home is where you are, Buffy. It's always been. The fact that you're actually living in MY homeland is merely the icing on the cake... I get to be where you are, love... that's all that matters."

She pulled back to have her eyes rest in his and then she smiled, her heart beating with the overwhelming joy she felt at knowing that she had found him - that one person almost everyone is eventually looking for to feel whole. She would never have to feel alone again.

"I feel the exact same way," she stated and his gaze grew soft before they shared another kiss.

"Wanna go to bed?" he asked and she cocked an eyebrow.

"No wasting time with you, is there?" she shot and he smirked, having one arm around her waist as they turned and walked in through the glass doors.

"We don't have much time to waste," he retorted.

"What happened to Mr. Optimist-Guy?!" she exclaimed in mock-sadness. "Bring him back, please."

"Fine then," he said. "We have all the time in the world so why not make the most of every last second?"

"God, I love you," she sighed, smiling, and he smiled back, bending down to grant her a kiss as they walked.

"I'll never tire of hearing that," he said.

"Not ever?" she asked and he shook his head. "Not even when we're both old and crippled and have to use wheel-chairs to get around?" she added and once again he shook his head. "Not even when my teeth are falling out and my hair is thin and gray and I'm not even in resemblance to what I look like today?" she inquired and he raised his eyebrows.

"You were beautiful when you were born, you'll be even more beautiful when you've lived an entire life time," he stated.

"And you promise you'll always say things like that whenever I'm having a do-you-really-love-me phase?" she wondered and he chuckled.

"Always," he assured.

"And you won't ever tire of me?" she asked as they began to walk up the stairs.

"No," he stated.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Will YOU ever tire of ME?" he retorted and she blinked, then smiled sheepishly.

"No. And you don't have to REPEAT my question for me to get the point, okay? We're stuck with each other," she finished and he smirked.

"Yeah, we are," he nodded.

"You know, moving onto something else. I was just thinking about this, and it IS a pretty silly expression - 'Home is where the heart is'. Know why?" she asked.

"I'm sure you'll tell me," he stated.

"Well, you can't LIVE without your heart, right? So naturally you'll have to reside wherever it is, don't you?"

"If you take it literally, but I think they do mean it in the 'love' heart kind," Spike remarked and she nodded.

"Yeah, but still, if you DID take it literally," she said.

"Yeah, well, still... If you take it literally then it's even truer, isn't it?" he inquired, taking the last step of the stairs and heading down the hallway to his room. "So there really is no purpose in analyzing it, is there?"

She reflected on that for a moment, then she shrugged.

"Guess not," she muttered, then looked up at him with another smile. "I bet you ten bucks I'll be in bed before you are."

"Clothes on...?" he asked and she cocked an eyebrow. "You're..." he started his acceptance, but before he had finished she had already bolted for the door. "...a cheater!" he yelled after her, and then he followed, a wide smile quickly spreading on his lips.

***

"What did Giles say?" Spike asked, nearly three hours later.

They were lying face to face, their legs crossing each other and their arms around the other, their noses merely inches apart.

"That he'll keep looking," she now answered him. "He's good with the books, but not a super-worm or anything. It takes some time for him to dig through them as well," she added and received a crooked smirk from Spike at that.

"Buffy..." he then said and she nodded as she could sense hesitation on his part. "Do you want kids?"

She stared at him, taken off guard by this sudden question. Still, she had to admit she had thought about it. She had thought about a lot of things ever since she first realized that he was straight through human.

"Yes," she finally answered him. "I do."

"How many?" he wondered and she smiled a little, not wanting her replies to come too quickly for some reason; as though she had spent hours contemplating them.

"Two," she then said. "Maybe three..."

"Boys or girls?"

"If we have two - I'd like one boy and one girl. If we have three - I'd like two girls," she stated and he smiled a small smile. "What?" she asked and he reached up a hand to slide it down her face and along her jaw line, then he answered:

"It's just pretty nice to hear you put a 'we' in that scenario," he murmured and she felt how she was blushing, though it was in larger part due to happiness.

"Yeah," she said, her voice painted with laughter as she grew self- conscious. "What about you, then?" she added, suddenly afraid that he might not want children at all.

"Five," he put her worries at ease with, the reply so certain that she gaped. "But I'll be willing to cut down on it if you don't want more than three," he calmed as her eyes had grown larger.

"No, no," she shook her head, giggling. "I'm sorry, it's not the number... It's just... you sound so sure of it."

"I never hand any brothers or sisters," he said. "I've always wanted a large family."

"Five it is," she mumbled and he was about to protest when she moved forward and kissed him gently. "It sounds... perfect."

He smiled a little, nudging the tip of his nose against hers and she kissed him again before pulling back.

"Will," she mumbled. "How old are you?"

He smiled widely at that, then replied:

"Twenty-five. Almost twenty-six."

She smiled as well. It sounded absurd. And yet...

"Almost?" she asked. "When's your birthday?"

"In three days," he replied after a short moment's second thought.

"In three...?" she trailed off.

In three days.

Then it would be exactly one year since he died...

"That's a bit strange," she grumbled and he smiled once more, shaking his head.

"Is it?" he then wondered and she met his gaze before she smiled back.

"Perhaps not," she replied, moving one hand to let her fingers brush down his cheek. "This year'll be different," she promised quietly and he let one hand place itself over hers as he held her gaze.

"It already is," he mumbled just as silently.

***

Buffy listened to Spike's slow breathing. When she was convinced he was asleep she slipped out of bed soundlessly, pulling on a sweater and her jeans before she glanced at him. A smile stole across her mouth and then she turned toward the door. Sneaking up to it she twisted the knob carefully and then pulled it open.

The hallway lay in darkness and she slid out through the slit between door and doorframe before she continued on her way as she stealthily made it to the stairs. Cautiously stepping down them she reached the second floor and peeked around the corner before she moved down that hallway as well.

There was no sound apart from her feet gently placing themselves on the carpeted floor and she stopped before the locked door of Susannah's bedroom without interruptions. They had all decided it should be sufficient if they merely kept her contained through imprisoning her, since she had barely woken up again after her talk with Buffy and Spike, and then she had merely stayed awake for a minute or so.

Now Buffy reached into her pocket and brought out the key to the door. She slid it into the lock and turned it, keeping her movements deliberate and slow.

Turning the knob she pushed the door open and poked her head inside.

Susannah was outlined in the bed as a mass of black. The Slayer could hear her breaths and knew she was sound asleep.

Good.

Moving again Buffy slipped inside, not bothering to push the door closed before she carefully began to make her way through the room. She checked the drawers of the large desk first. There were only notes of no interest, a few books and cd's. It seemed Susannah kept no journal, which was a bummer. Buffy kept up her pace, looking through the high chest-of-drawers - nothing but clothes - as well as the large closet - nothing but clothes and shoes. Next she turned to the bookcase, going through it methodically. Books, books, books.

Sighing to herself she turned around and noticed a square shaped bag tucking out from underneath the bed, just beneath the place where Susannah's back rested.

Buffy swallowed.

A risk, but one she was willing to take. If Susannah woke up...

I'll make up an excuse, the Slayer thought. I just wanted to check and see if everything was okay...

It seemed like it took an hour to get to the side of the bed and gently kneel down on the floor in order to be able to reach the bag. But it was done, and Buffy pulled the bag to her as she stood again. Moving away took merely a few seconds and she felt her hands trembling as she unzipped the bag with one quick movement.

Susannah stirred and Buffy had her heart catch in her throat for the amount of time it took the other to once again begin to breathe deeply.

Opening the bag Buffy reached into it and began to run her fingers over the various items.

Lip-stick, pocket mirror, the back of a book, a planner... Clasping the last one she brought it out of the bag and put the latter down as she eyed the thick notebook in her hand. Biting the inside of her cheek she got the rubber ribbon - securing the intestines of paper from pouring out - off and opened the book at the middle, where a paper-clip was fastened.

Never before could she remember a time where her night vision had been so welcomed.

Scanning the page before her she found, however, nothing of real interest. After a few minutes of searching and coming up with nothing she decided she didn't have the time. Picking the bag up again she put the ribbon back in place and restored the planner to its original resting place. Then she began looking for some other neighbor of it which might prove more useful and when her hand slid over something made of leather her eyes widened with excitement.

A wallet.

Bringing it out she repeated the procedure of putting the bag down at her feet and then she opened the thing in her hands, beginning to look through the various compartments. There were a few dollars, a few cents and pennies, but nothing else in the money compartments.

Flipping open the slits holding credit-cards and such her eyes grew further as they landed on the small plastic pockets which were kept there. In them were pictures... Old ones, it seemed. Of Susannah and her parents, no doubt. They looked so happy. Buffy felt a twirl of sudden empathy with the girl as she remembered how hard it had been on herself to lose her mother.

Pulling the picture out of the small plastic pocket which held it she looked closer at the faces. It was Susannah, for certain.

Buffy was about to put it back when a gut feeling of intuition made her turn it over.

She stared at what met her sight and then she turned her head to the still sleeping young woman in the bed.

"Oh, my God," the Slayer whispered.

**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** ******************

This time I really want to apologize for how incredibly late this chapter is. I have been forced (ugh) to battle a really bad cold for the past week and haven't had a chance to post this! I also know why we (still!) haven't got the Internet at home, they ARE installing a broadband in my community and up until now there's been negotiations here and there about whatever and so they've been putting the job off for months! Grr. Anyways, now we know that it WILL be installed by the end of November and so I am so happy! However, this does mean a few more weeks of going to where I am now - my little dad's office. ;)

Anyways, the cold made it not so easy for me to leave the house, as I hope y'all can understand! :)

Lots of wonderiffic reviews waiting for me, though. Pick-me-upper after my sickness, thanks you guys! So sorry for leaving you hanging like that!

Warm thank yous to wolf116 (so happy you did, girl! Liked it, I mean. And I love keeping you guessing!) ;), Rachel9 (that is so great to read! Glad that you like the C/A moments as well! *smile!*) :), Winters1 (so sorry for the late update this time! Happy you enjoyed it though! Really! Hope it's the same with this chappy!) :), maribel (here was some more, and thank you - things are a bit better!) :), Mel (great with reviews on both chapters, you know I appreciate that. On 7: Glad, glad, glad that you are! ;) On 18: Glad you liked the picture-finding. ;) I welcome the empathy, girl! And sorry for leaving ya hanging so long on this!) ;), darklover (*sheepish* AM sorry for this being so late, and do hope you liked this as well.) :), SC Heather (REALLY glad you liked the chapter, and very sorry for not having posted until now! Hope this was to your taste!) :), Adrianna (Thanks for the spot of encouragement, I do need it! I'm sure they will get better, but then you couldn't answer the when part for me! *sob* ;) And AOUUU that sausage hurts my strained nerves! Don't beat me too senseless, will you? I still have some more writing to do! ;P I do apologize for the lateness, but I didn't foresee getting sick! And the worst kind of sick too. Ugha! Well, I hope this chapter was to satisfaction and that you stick to that promise of your beating not inhibiting my ability to lead a normal and happy life!) ;), Captain (I really like writing the Spuffiness! :P I'm glad you liked it!!! Niiiice! :) And *smooch* right back for your kind and understanding nature!) :), Caitlin (Sorry to hear that you've been going through some bad times! Believe you me, I have front-row seats to that myself right now. It sucks! But you made ME smile right back with that comment of yours and I'm so happy to help!!! I'm so glad you enjoy the sotry still!) :) and Ladyluck523 (I'm happy you're enjoying it, girl! Your review was for chapter seven, though... Just checking so that you know that there were more chapters after this, since you asked for a quick update! *trying to save face since this update was so late!*) ;).

Thanks everybody, ever so! You are the best!!!

A.M.L, Annie.