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What Is To Be

-Twentieth-

By Annie

2003-10-22

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Cordelia sighed, looking at the ceiling and feeling drained of any emotion but that of helplessness.

Oh, and of course - cold. It was as though her very blood was running slower through her veins and even though she was sleepy the emotion eluded claiming her. Finally she moved her covers aside and got off the bed. Thinking she heard a sound outside the door she paused with her hand on the knob, but then there was only silence and so she proceeded with caution; opening it and stepping out into the hallway. It lay deserted.

She made her way to Angel's door and noticed that it stood ajar. She hesitated, then couldn't help herself and pushed it open with one hand. She bit her lower lip as her nerves presented themselves as still keen and unfrozen when she softly took a few steps into the room.

"You awake?" she whispered and at first he didn't respond, then he slowly turned his head to her as his eyes opened and she smiled a little tryingly. "Can I come in?" she asked and he raised his eyebrows.

"You already are in," he commented, voice as low as hers and she smiled coyly.

"Right," she said.

"You could come a bit closer, though," he offered and she smiled again.

"Yeah," she agreed, still growing tentative before she took the paces left up to the side of the bed.

"And... sit?" he asked when she still hesitated and she seemed to grow flustered before she smiled for a third time, this time a bit brighter as she did take a seat.

"Are you freaking? 'Cause I think I might be, a little... and I think you're the only one who can actually understand why," she finally said and he smiled at that.

"Yeah, I'm a bit freaked," he admitted. "But I'm pretty sure it'll be all right."

"But... the prophecy," she grumbled and he nodded.

"Yeah."

"The fire, the water... dancing. We danced and now you're burning and I'm like ice!" she said, her tone telling how close to the edge she actually was and he reached out a hand, pausing it before he actually touched her and she felt a small sorrow near her heart as she remembered the kiss they had almost shared.

"Buffy was right," he now replied, "when she said that we keep getting surprised by things we should be expecting."

"We were supposed to be expecting THIS?" she asked as he moved his hand away and he shook his head.

"No, but something. Look at everything that's already happened..."

"Yeah, but why did it have to happen right then?" she pouted quietly and he observed her for a moment before he smiled.

"It was a pretty nice dance, wasn't it?" he wondered and she met his gaze before she mirrored his smile.

"It was," she agreed.

They grew silent, neither sure of what to say, of what to read into the other's body language.

"Can't sleep?" he then asked and she shook her head a little.

He moved to the side, getting one of the two pillows out from under his head and placing it beside him.

"There's room," he said and she blinked, not fully comprehending. "I won't have to touch you."

She licked her lips, thinking the offer over and then she smiled a small smile of gratefulness as she slowly moved herself so that she could lie down on the empty spot next to him. He sat up and grabbed one of the blankets at the foot of the bed, unfolding it and spreading it over her before he lay back down and she felt sudden anger - at the stupid way the heat in him scorched the cold in her. If it hadn't been for that...

"Thank you," she mumbled and then his hand slid to hers as hers was under the fabric of the blanket and his was on top of it.

She closed her eyes.

"No need," he replied, voice soft as her hand held his back.

***

It was seven o'clock when Buffy woke everybody up. She had gotten herself back to Spike's bedroom after she had made her discovery the previous night, and she had forced herself to get some sleep. Knowing that they all needed every hour they could get of precious rest as they were under such strain during their waking hours. For the first time in nearly two and a half months had she not dreamt anything, but slept five hours straight. It had done her good and she had risen revived.

She had taken a shower before dressing, kissing Spike on the forehead before she left the room in favor of the bottom floor and its kitchen. She made breakfast, trying to get all the thoughts in her head to stop their buzzing, and then she had headed back upstairs.

Now she had just finished the waking of all of the rest. She had asked no questions of why Cordelia was in Angel's bed, she had merely made it clear that she wanted them on their feet in less than fifteen minutes. She stayed away from Susannah's room for the time being as she took the last set of stairs and walked in to the room she herself had woken up in, to get Spike up and going. She did so by bracing herself before running across the floor, jumping up on the bed and then beginning to bounce on it as she sing- songed:

"Wake-y, wake-y! Wake-y, wake-y!"

He didn't seem to react, and then he suddenly reached up and grabbed her, tripping her so that she fell on top of him and she giggled before he got her close and joined their lips.

"Crazy bird," he murmured with his mouth still to hers and she smiled, kissing him again.

"It's seven-o-ten," she said. "Time to get up, my good man."

Moving out of his embrace she scooted to the edge of the bed and he rolled over on his stomach, observing her back before she twisted her upper body and gave him a glance.

"You're not up," she pointed out and he smirked.

"I'm getting there," he muttered.

"I've made you the tastiest breakfast you've ever had in your entire life and it's just waiting for you downstairs and know what?"

"What?"

"It's getting cold."

He smiled again, trying to grab her when she got to her feet and she turned around with a playful expression in her eyes.

"I have something important to tell everybody," she then said.

"What now?" he sighed and she cocked an eyebrow.

"You assume it's bad, just like that?"

"Buffy," he merely replied and she smiled again.

"Okay, fine. But it does have something good that comes with it. So get your lazy butt outta bed, lover. I wanna see you in the kitchen faster than you can think..." ending the sentence by blowing him a kiss she exited the room and he grumbled before rolling onto his back and sitting up, growing curious against his better judgment of what it was she had to tell.

Also finding himself alone without her presence in the room he hurried in getting ready, merely pulling on a pair of sweats and a dark-green T before taking the stairs and joining the other struggling-to-get-out-of-the-last- stage-of-sleep around the high table in the kitchen.

Cordelia looked slightly more chipper, though she seemed to be as chilled as ever. Angel, also, still looked overheated, though he too wore the hint of a smile which carried good tidings.

Everybody feasted, pleasantly surprised by the food already placed out for their enjoyment, and Buffy smiled and nodded as she heard their thanks.

"So," Angel was the one who spoke up, "we're all waiting for the reason. You haven't officially called a meeting, Buffy... but we know it has to have been something important for you to get us up so early."

"I.e. I always sleep late?" she asked.

"Not at all," he assured. "I know you don't ALWAYS. But... seriously, if given the choice?"

She rolled her eyes at him, then smiled a little as she got to her feet.

"Okay, I won't drag it out. More than's necessary... Angel, William... would you two come with me, please. I'd ask all of you, but I don't wanna have Susannah feel like I'm completely cornering her."

"I understand," Cordelia replied a little too quickly and Buffy furrowed her brow questioningly. "Well, most of us know what an... uncomfortable feeling it is to be... cornered," Cordelia elaborated stuttering and Buffy returned her trying smile before motioning for Angel and Spike to follow her out of the room; which they did.

They headed up the stairs under silence, though Buffy could feel their gazes resting on her back and she knew that they wanted to ask her what was up. They would soon find out.

She brought out the key to Susannah's room, which she had borrowed from Gunn the night prior under the motivation that she wanted to check up on the young woman. Buffy turned the knob and pushed the door open as she stepped through it. Angel and Spike followed and watched her as she continued, this time without any hesitation, up to the bed. She had replaced the bag where she had found it the night before.

"What are you doing?" Spike now whispered as she unceremoniously picked it up and opened it.

"You'll see," she replied. "Angel, would you please wake her?" she added and Angel cocked an eyebrow before he complied and approached the bed.

"What the hell's going on?" Spike demanded, voice still lowered and she gave him a look to be patient.

Susannah stirred as Angel gently shook her shoulder and then she slowly opened her eyes, squinting up at the vampire before she jerked, her eyes widening as she blinked and tried to get sleep away from her.

"What time is it?" she asked, then she noticed the other two present and she pulled herself up a little. "Is something wrong? Oh, God... did I do something else?"

"I don't..." Angel began, looking apologetic. "I'm not the one with the answer to that," he then added and turned to Buffy, who had put the bag down on the floor and held the wallet in her hands.

Susannah's eyes grew even wider and Buffy smiled as soothingly as she could before she held the item up and Susannah frowned, growing clearly quizzical.

"What about it?" she then asked. "Did I throw it at you...? Beat you with it?"

"No," Buffy replied, opening it up and letting her fingers pull the picture she had discovered merely a few hours earlier out, holding it up instead and Susannah raised her eyebrows.

"That's me, yes. And my mother and father," she said and Buffy nodded. "How did you know I had it there? Have you been going through my things?" the former added with a frown.

"I'm sorry, but I think that privacy is something of the past tense where we're concerned," Buffy remarked. "I AM sorry," she added at the now raised eyebrows of the two men as well. "But I knew that you guys wouldn't be too keen on the idea; and Susannah - I don't trust you enough right now to just ask you if I can have a look at your stuff. That's the truth."

"Fine. Can't object to it now, can I?" Susannah asked. "I'm not sure what you thought you'd find, though."

"I didn't think I'd find anything at all," Buffy assured. "Except maybe a clue of some sort. A helpful hint at what links you to everything that's happening..."

"And that picture gave you that; is that what you're saying?" Susannah wondered, skeptically, and at that Buffy nodded slowly.

"Why didn't you tell me," she then began asking. "on that first day I came here and told you all about my dream, why didn't you tell me that your first name isn't Susannah at all? And if the reason was that you weren't sure of what to make of me - why didn't you tell Angel? Or Will?"

"Because I didn't think it mattered," Susannah answered, almost pleadingly. "I've never used my first name, I don't relate to it and most of the time I don't even remember that it's there. I just..."

She trailed off as she seemed to come to the understanding that she was speaking words that couldn't redeem the mistake she had evidently made.

"What are you talking about?" Spike asked and Buffy reached the picture out to him.

He took it and when she gestured for him to turn it over, he did. He blinked, then read the line which was written on the back.

"'With love from mom to Aria'," he recited, looking up at Susannah who had an expression of quiet guilt on her features.

"I didn't think it mattered," she repeated meekly. "I didn't even think of it - period. I'm not even so certain that it is significant to anything of what's happening. It's a family name. We never used it because of that. You know? Mom used her second name, it was natural that I would too. She and dad always called me Suse... Look, my point is - I didn't plan on not telling you and..." pausing she seemed to suddenly be hit by a realization and she frowned slightly as she finished: "Buffy, you don't actually believe I'M part of your dream, do you?"

"It's a Slayer dream," Buffy replied simply. "It's meant as a warning and it was obviously warning me that you'd be in trouble."

"I'm so sorry for not getting with the program," Susannah replied. "Really. I never could have imagined..."

"It's okay," Buffy assured. "I mean, it's cool; as long as you're not apposed to us doing some more close-ups on you... And there might be questions that'll need answering."

Susannah nodded, then looked at her hands in her lap for a few moments before she murmured:

"A part of me wishes I'd never come here. I feel so bad that I'm causing you all this trouble."

"The prophecy got here before you did," Angel reminded. "We'd be stuck in the middle of all this whether you were here or not, and honestly I'd rather have you with us than out there alone."

"I can never repay you..." she said and he shook his head.

"Don't even go there," he stated and she smiled a little.

"We have a meeting to see Forte at half past ten," Buffy now spoke and Susannah turned her eyes back in hers. "The bottle... Do you know what it looks like?"

"I only know its small enough to fit in your hand," she answered. "And its got some sort of pattern on it..."

"How do you know?" Buffy asked.

"I've seen it. In my dreams. This demon... it fears it," Susannah answered, her voice now close to a whisper and she seemed to begin to grow anxious.

"What does it feel like?" Buffy inquired.

"What do you mean?" Susannah asked back and Buffy smiled a little.

"The demon. Does it hurt you? Do you know how it came to be within you? Does it speak to you? Has it got a name?" she then wondered, stopping when she glanced at Spike and he shook his head a little for her not to push so hard. "Sorry," she grumbled, her gaze back in Susannah's and the latter gave a small smile that it was all right.

"It hurts me when it takes over and then when it pulls back," she answered.

"Takes over?"

"I've had... blackouts. They were a lot worse before I came here. They started about a year ago and the longest one I had lasted for nearly three hours... The last one I had, before they stopped for a really long time, was on the night I came here and I thought... foolishly enough... that they had gone away. That I wasn't going crazy. That the voice... in my head... wasn't..."

Her eyes filled with tears and she closed them, drawing a breath; her hands now tightly knotted together in her lap and she moved them twitchily.

"Then - yesterday - I suddenly suffered one again..."

"And you can't remember anything from when you're in these... blackouts?"

"Fragments. Flashes of memories I don't recall being part in creating," Susannah replied to the Slayer's question.

"And when did you - or do you - hear this voice you spoke of?"

"It doesn't exactly announce itself first... It's just... there," Susannah mumbled, her tears now slipping down her cheeks and she opened her eyes, looking up at Buffy once more. "Whenever," the former added. "When I least expect it. When this thing in me thinks..." She had almost raised her voice and she cut herself off, clearly frightened, before she finished in a lower tone: "When it thinks I'll be the most vulnerable."

"And how does it mix into your dreams?" Buffy asked.

"I'm not sure of how... Maybe I reach another state of consciousness while I'm sleeping and somehow I'm able to read the demon's thoughts... It sounds a bit out there, but..."

"No," Buffy shook her head. "It doesn't," she added with reassurance. "Tell me about what you see."

"Just images and emotions attached to them. Horrible things... Death. Tortures. So much blood... It's awful," Susannah murmured.

Buffy paused for a moment, unsure of whether to pursue more answers or if that was enough.

"One final thing," she said. "This bottle... Have you any idea of what it'll do?"

"It has to save me," Susannah replied quietly. "It has to... I can feel how the demon's taking me over a little bit more each time it wakes. I'm afraid that soon... there won't be anything of me left."

"That won't happen," Spike stated and Susannah turned her eyes in his with a weak smile.

"I have a feeling it's not really something you can promise," she said and though he returned her smile, his was also sad.

"We'll come in and see you again after the meeting," Buffy now said, announcing that it was time for them to leave.

Susannah nodded to Buffy's words and then they all said their good-byes for the time being.

"Be careful," Susannah stopped Buffy by saying as the latter was heading out through the door. "The name of Forte makes the demon in me very uncomfortable... and I'm actually not convinced it's on the good-front for us," she added and Buffy raised her eyebrows before she gave a nod, proceeding through the doorway where the other two had just gone.

***

"This whole scenario is so frickin' out of wack I don't even want to get too much into it," Cordelia grumbled, sniffling slightly before she began to stir her dash of milk into her steaming tea. "Might actually lose my mind," she added, widening her eyes at the last three words and Buffy smiled a little.

It was close to nine o'clock and she had finished retelling what they had learned from Susannah fifteen minutes earlier.

Gunn had headed back upstairs. Fred had soon followed. They had promised to keep an eye on Susannah as she might slip back into another deep sleep and they didn't know if that might be nothing but a preface for the demon.

"You look..." Buffy now began, but at Cordelia's warning look she stopped the sentence before it had a chance to develop and at the quick quietness of her, Cordelia smiled.

"I know I'm no miss America right now, okay? Don't need it to be pointed out to me," she then muttered in mock-annoyance, having Buffy smile as well.

"That wasn't what I was going to say," she replied. "I just wanted to ask if you're feeling all right, 'cause you look a bit ill?"

"It's the damn chill," Cordelia grumbled, bringing the mug to her lips and blowing softly on the contents before taking a careful sip. "Mh - hot," she said, then elaborated on her previous statement with: "It's giving me a cold! Can you believe it?!"

Buffy smirked.

"Other than that, then?" she wondered, grabbing her cup of coffee and following Cordelia to take a seat at the table. "How are you?"

"I... don't really know. I mean... How did you... do it?" Buffy frowned, wondering. "Well, I mean... being... Well, LIKING someone... when he's..."

"Older than you?" Buffy asked with another smile and Cordelia smiled back at that.

"Among other things," she murmured and Buffy laughed.

"Good question," she nodded. "I tried not to. But... love is the one force that can't ever be oppressed, you know? It gets into places where it shouldn't be... It's quite... extraordinary, don't you think?"

"You're thinking of Spike now, aren't you?" Cordelia wondered and Buffy had another kind of smile settle on her lips; a dreamy smile which confirmed the affirmative answer to Cordelia's question.

"Well, the first was about Angel. I really did try not to fall in love with him... not to be in love with him... But I couldn't stop it. Nor could I stop how I ended up falling in love with Spike... I can't explain any of it. You just love that person for who he is, and everything else pans out. The age difference isn't that big of a deal when you can talk about everything almost as if you'd been born on the same day... And the immortal bit, Cordy - if you love him then that's not an obstacle for you. Either of you. Angel is one of the best men I've ever known. He has his darker sides, that's true, but his love is one of the greatest things I could ever wish for another person. You have it. I'm sure you know that you do."

Cordelia stared at her, the formers cheeks turning just a slightly deeper shade of red before she smiled a little, looking into her mug for a moment and trying to digest that very bold statement.

"What makes you so certain?" she finally asked and Buffy smiled widely.

"The two of you make it so obvious it's impossible for everyone else to not notice what you two pretend to be too blind NOT to have noticed..."

"And you're not weirded out about this? I mean, I have to admit it felt really weird to me when you first came here... Seeing you with William... I mean, I know you've moved on. And I... What am I trying to say?" she sighed, shaking her head a little and Buffy smiled again.

"I'm happy you found each other," she stated, honestly. "I think that was what you were trying to ask. And you really don't need my blessing."

Cordelia smirked at that.

"True," she then agreed and Buffy's smile broadened.

"It may sound cliché-y and everything, but believe me - when the time's right everything 'll just fall into place," she assured and Cordelia sighed.

"Yeah, right. The perfect time was yesterday and the prophecy managed to screw it up," she grumbled, making Buffy's eyes grow slightly with interest.

"Do spill," she urged when Spike leaned in through the doorway saying:

"Time to roll, sweetheart."

Buffy turned her head his way, but he had already disappeared and she rolled her eyes as she got to her feet.

"Hold the thought, 'kay?" she asked Cordelia, who nodded; smiling.

Reaching out a hand as Buffy was turning away the dark-haired stopped the blonde and the latter looked back at her.

"Thanks," Cordelia said. "For... understanding. You're the only one who can, I think, and... I dunno. I miss that sometimes. Having someone to really talk with, you know?"

"What about Faith?" Buffy asked. "I thought you two got along pretty well."

"It's not the same," Cordelia answered. "You and I, we..."

Buffy smiled as the other trailed off.

"Thanks," she then said and Cordelia mirrored her expression before Buffy turned and left the room.

Cordelia brought the mug to her lips again, taking a mouthful of the now cooler liquid and she realized that it was her hands which were making it lose temperature so quickly as they were wrapped around the porcelain. Grumbling she let it go and pushed it slightly away from her.

Then she smiled again.

Thinking of Angel.

If only they could beat the prophecy at its own game, stop the countdown today and restore everything to normal. With Forte might be answers.

No, with Forte there HAD to be answers.

"There has to," she mumbled, reaching out for the mug again and drawing a sharp breath as it cracked when the contents of it turned straight through into ice.

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Hey all! I shouldn't have feared that you would all be angry with me and to demonstrate this animosity had all decided not to write me one single line! ;) I was really happy to read all the, as always, terrific reviews and I'm so, so glad that you liked the chapter!!!

Special thanks to wolf116, Winters1, maribel, wickedxunique (glad you enjoy), Tobert, Xio, Rachel9, darklover, ali (so great to read you like!), blackeyedgurl and Night! Greatly appreciated!!! Thank you all!

I'm so sorry to have to make this so incredibly short, but I'm again at my dad's office, only he's having lunch and will soon need his computer back. (usually I come here when the office is closed) :) Just wanted to get this chapter out there!

I hope you liked it!

A.M.L, Annie.