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What Is To Be

-Twenty-Fourth-

By Annie

2003-12-11

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"That's not possible," Cordelia simply stated. "You CAN'T die."

Angel's smile widened ever so slightly at that.

"Of course I can. Stake through the heart and all that," he replied softly and she stared at him for a second before she turned her head to look at the others.

"Are there any stakes in here?" she asked and everybody shook their heads. "There ARE no stakes in here," she said, her eyes back on Angel.

"Cordy..."

"No. No, I'll not listen to this. This is... We can't have come this far to be faced with THIS!" she protested, pausing for a second as the frustration on her grew and then she turned and simply left the room.

Buffy could almost see that bad sensation from before circle Angel's head like a black halo and she felt her heart go out to Cordelia.

"Why would you have to die...?" she then asked, very much dreading the answer.

"It's a long, complicated, twisted part of history," Wesley answered in the other's stead and Buffy turned her head to him.

"Indulge me," she said and he gave a small nod.

"We need to exorcise Satoch from Susannah."

"You mean, with the potion?" Buffy cut in, but the former watcher shook his head.

"No, that would most surely kill her. There are other ways - I spoke to Giles about it. However, once the deed is done we need an, at least close to, equally powerful demon to fight Satoch. The prophecy tells of a ritual in which we can summon Aatoch, but we have not the knowledge or the means to perform this magic. And so there is another option..."

As he trailed off Buffy's eyes grew.

"You can't be serious," she said. "Angelus does nothing if it isn't for himself! Why would he want to help us save the world?!"

"Because once he's out of the body which hosts him he'll be smashed into oblivion unless he defends himself," Angel replied.

"That's not possible! Your demon can't exist without YOU."

"No, it can't," Angel agreed. "Not as it is. But it will."

"How can you know?" she shot and he smiled that small smile again.

"I know," he stated and she swallowed, still not believing she was hearing this.

"What about your soul?" she then countered. "What'll happen to you soul? You're just gonna let it go...?"

"Hopefully I'll get to dwell someplace nice, like you did," he answered and she shook her head.

"I get why Cordelia just got the hell out of here, 'cause this is ridiculous and you seem too apt to believe this would actually ever work to see what's right in front of you! That you're both insane!" she burst out.

"This is what the prophecy tells us I have to do," Angel disagreed.

"All the prophecies say someone has to die, don't they? But, hey, I'M still alive! There's a way we can beat this at its own game, and I'm gonna search night and day 'til I find it!"

"Yes, you go do that. One night and one day is about all that you have left," Angel replied.

"How can you mock this?!" she exclaimed, aggravated.

"Don't you remember that feeling you had, when you realized the reason everything that had happened in your life had brought you to this one deciding moment?" he asked back. "When you jumped, Buffy, you didn't have any doubts or any regrets. It was your time."

"This isn't the same thing!"

"What if it is?" he retorted. "Angelus has tormented me for a century, Buffy. Maybe it's time to set him free. To set ME free."

"I can't believe you're giving up," she grumbled and then she felt Spike's hand on her shoulder.

"He's not," he said, his gaze in Angel's and it was filled with understanding.

"Then we'll find a way to bring you back," Buffy said, her eyes not able to hold back the tears anymore. "It's worked before! We'll find a way to..."

"Don't mess with nature," Angel shook his head. "I don't want to die, Buffy. But this isn't a life. I can't touch the people I love... I can't walk in the sunshine or have a family or do anything that I once took for granted. I was born human, and now my soul is trapped in here with a thing that has claws and fangs and I've been bearing it for so long... Don't try to bring me back; it won't work for you this time."

"You're talking like you're already gone," she said, drying her tears and straightening her posture as she added: "I won't stand for it."

Turning she walked out of the room as well and Angel sighed.

"Are you sure?" Fred asked, her eyes now also glistening with salty liquid, and he smiled reassuringly.

"Yes," he nodded.

Hesitantly she and Gunn left the room, their own objections kept back by the look he gave them both to believe he meant what he said, and then he turned his eyes in Wesley's.

"I need you to finish your interpretation," the former said and Wesley nodded, he too leaving the room quietly.

Silence again, and then Angel spoke up once more, saying:

"You haven't said a word."

Faith smiled a little, then gave a shrug.

"Dunno what to say," she admitted. "I mean, you seem to have made up your mind and since you're all cool about it, I'm thinking maybe it's not so bad. But I don't think I should slap you on the shoulder and say 'Way to go'. And since I can't offer my condolences I just thought I'd be better off keeping my mouth shut."

Spike smirked, as did Angel.

"Always a direct hit with you, isn't it?" Angel asked and she smiled as well.

"Just valuing honesty a bit more nowadays," she replied. "And what's the use beating about the bush, right? Look, I'm not saying I'm HAPPY that you're about to bite the dust..."

She tried not to look sheepish at her choice of words, but it didn't quite succeed and Angel had a wider smile on as he replied, assuringly:

"I know."

"Well, I'll be downstairs. Picking up the pieces of all those broken hearts," she said, rising from the chair she had been seated on and walking up to the edge of the bed to give him a kiss on the forehead.

She stopped only a few millimeters from his skin and then she asked:

"You're still burning, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"So I'll probably get really hurt if I touch you right now, huh?"

"Probably," he agreed and she pulled away again.

"Feel better," she mumbled and he smirked, watching her go and then looking at Spike.

"Isn't it ironic?" the vampire inquired and the mortal tilted his head slightly to the side, wondering. "We have shared loves and passions and pangs throughout this existence... And now, in a way, we'll share a death."

"Perhaps not," Spike replied. "You have two women down there fighting to keep you alive. Two sharp minds, about to be joined by two more."

Angel raised his eyebrows.

"Wesley's and my own," Spike elaborated and Angel smirked again.

"Listen," he then said. "I'm happy for you and Buffy, you know that, right?" Spike observed him for another few seconds before he nodded. "You said that I shouldn't wait too long, with Cordelia... That time has a tendency to run out. Guess there was more truth to that than I even realized myself."

"Hey, soon I'll have to agree with Buffy. You sound like you're giving up. Don't you even wanna try and fight this? You said it yourself, you don't WANT to die."

"I don't know, Will. Even if I do love Cordy, and even if she does love me... where does it leave us? Love will last for a lifetime, I know that. But what kind of life could I offer her? No children, no family..."

"You don't think I've asked myself those very questions when it comes to Buffy?" Spike cut in, only it made Angel smile again.

"But all that's in the past," he pointed out. "You're human. You can give her a future that isn't too far from normal."

"Who wants normal?"

"In the end, everyone craves stability."

"So, you think you'll hurt Cordy less by leaving her?"

"How did YOU make the decision?" Angel shot and Spike grew quiet.

"Fine," he finally replied. "If this is what you have to do. I understand; you know I do. But if I had had a chance to get through what happened alive..."

"But you weren't meant to," Angel was the one who interrupted this time. "You were meant to die, and come back. Just as this is what's meant to happen."

Spike eyed him again and actually felt the first tweaking of sorrow near his heart at the thought of losing someone whom he had considered a brother for a decade, and even more so for the past year.

"Whatever you say," he murmured, turning and leaving the room as well, heading down the stairs to join the others in the conference room.

***

The pieces did seem to be falling into place, however reluctantly or no matter how much some of the group wished they wouldn't. For over half a year had they been studying the prophecy, turning every single stone upside down in search for liable clues.

For what?

What had it all been for if one of them had to die over it.

Cordelia couldn't understand it. She was so fed up with all of it. She hated crying over it, because it did no good. But the anger she felt at this constant messing with them had to come out somehow, and so she slammed her hand into the wall of her room. Repeating the movement as the pain branched through her hand and up her arm to her elbow, taking her mind off the other aches she was under.

When she hit her hand the fifth time her door opened to her right and Buffy poked her head inside.

"You know, that only works if you're on the outside wanting to be let in... And even more so with one of these," the Slayer said, pointing to the door and having Cordelia give her a weak smile before her jaw set again.

"You have no idea how much I hate everything in this world right now," she said, voice hard and controlled and Buffy stepped into the room, closing the door behind her before facing her friend. "I wish it'd just go away and leave us alone. Why do WE have to save it all the time, huh? Can't someone else just do it this ONCE? Or better yet, could all the Powers maybe come together and somehow force world peace on us? Enlighten us, why don't you?!" she yelled, her head tilted back as she directed the last sentence to the ceiling. "Higher beings my ass. Have you noticed that it's this small group of people who constantly have to shoulder the weight of this entire world, while the rest of all the population of this puny little planet continue to live in frickin' oblivion as to what the hell is going on around them. Why? Because they CHOOSE to. They CHOOSE not to acknowledge those creepy X-File things they see now and then as anything real. They go on; they go back to whatever they were doing and pretend that everything is right with the world while HE has to DIE for them!"

At that she broke into sobs and Buffy, patiently listening to the tirade of emotions, stepped up to her.

Only Cordelia put up a hand and walked away, standing with her back to the Slayer, the latter could see how her shoulders shook. Her voice was low as she commenced speaking again.

"He's been trying so hard to make up for the things he did... He hates Angelus. He hates that he can't control him. I've watched him for so many years, Buffy. How he's been haunted by memories that are more than one- hundred years old, TWO-hundred years old; and how he suffers from them every single day. I wanted to help him through that, but in ways I only made it worse... And now... I HATE this!" she exclaimed, grabbing a vase standing on a spindly table and throwing it clear cross the room where it split into different sized pieces with a sharp shatter, falling to the floor with the same noise and then leaving the two humans with nothing but that of Cordelia's crying.

"I know," Buffy mumbled. "More than you can even imagine. I've killed him, Cordelia. I've lost him twice and both times I thought I was going to die myself."

"Please, don't give the old speech of 'You'll be fine, you'll see. You'll go on...'"

"No," Buffy shook her head. "Wouldn't dream of it. But what I was coming to was the second time I lost Angel, I also knew I had to let him go. And even worse was when I was in the Hellmouth with Spike... with William. Walking away, just leaving him there, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; but I knew it was right. It had to be. His face wouldn't have looked the way it did if what he had decided to do wasn't right. I could only step back and watch it happen, because..."

"You don't want Angel to have to die either, Buffy, don't be a hypocrite!" Cordelia interrupted, twirling around to face her.

"No," Buffy slowly admitted. "Of course I don't. And if there is any way he doesn't have to, we'll find it. But..."

"No 'buts'," Cordelia cut in. "We'll find it, 'cause it's there. I just have to... calm down."

"I'm sorry," Buffy said. "I didn't mean for it to sound like some cheap excuse for feel-good... Just wanted you to know that I know how you're feeling, and that you can talk to me about it. Or scream at me about it, either which way you think works best."

At that Cordelia smiled a small smile again, then she sighed.

"I'll be right down, just have to rinse my face with hot water."

Buffy nodded, only she paused at the door and turned her head back to the other with a questioning frown.

"'Hot water'?"

"Duh," Cordelia replied, pointing to her cheeks, adding: "Ice."

Buffy smiled at that, then walked outside and closed the door, drawing a small breath to steady herself before she headed for the stairs. Spike just stepped out of Angel's room. As she spotted him her heart skipped a beat and she hurried up to him, throwing her arms around his neck in a tight embrace and he looked a little surprised, though pleasantly so, as she pulled back again.

"Just wanted to make sure," she said and he looked quizzical. "That you're really here," she elaborated and he gave her a smile at that, sliding one hand into one of hers as they walked together to the stairs.

***

The hush which had settled over the building at the sudden new turn in their so far eventful week, stayed with persistence as the habitants got ready for bed.

Susannah had seemingly fought back the demon with enough force to have him retract. If it ended up being just another pretense would surely come into play soon enough and so the gang left her as she was. She hadn't come down all evening, and Spike had spent an hour conversing soothingly with her.

Angel wished no company. He had blatantly turned everyone away, saying that he had too much in his head as it was to even pretend to listen to anyone else. He would see them all in the morning. All of them apart from Cordy, it seemed, who had been sitting with the books all evening; but as everyone began to retire she had seemingly gotten her courage back, and she had gone to the vampire. SHE had been let in on her first knock.

The Slayer could only smile over it, though. Knowing that it would be good for the both of them to talk. Hopefully they would talk. Cordelia truly loved him. She had to. Buffy was certain she had researched more in the six hours she had spent in the conference room, than she ever had while helping the Scoobies. Or the Investigations for that matter.

For the rest of them, research had gone slow, though it was a bit simpler than when Wesley had gotten his hands on the first prophecy as he now had quite an extensive dictionary of the otherwise foreign language.

Buffy smeared the blot of moisturizer she had put on her stomach over the skin and then grabbed the bottle again, putting some in one hand and getting to work on her arms after putting the bottle back on its shelf in the bathroom. Walking into the bedroom she locked eyes with Spike, who was lying on the bed on his side, head propped in one hand and a pleased smile on his lips.

"Any particular reason you wear that expression?" she asked and he rolled onto his back as she reached the bed, putting one knee on it and then straddling him.

"Yeah, I'm clairvoyant and I saw you doing precisely this if I wore that expression," he smirked and she chuckled, leaning forward and kissing him deeply.

Keeping her mouth tight against his she slipped her arms around his neck and slid to the side, stretching out alongside him as he held her to him. They gently broke the kiss and she moved to rest her head on his chest, a position she usually placed herself in when in his arms like this.

"How's Susie doing?" she asked and he was silent for a short while, then answered:

"Both good and bad. I think she's even more scared now, thinking this demon is actually some sort of part of her... And still stronger 'cause she's so bloody pissed off."

Buffy had another smile on her mouth as she moved her head to look at him.

"Good. Pissed off is good when you're going to war. Just as long as you don't lose your focus," she stated and he nodded his consent, moving one hand to gently slide it through her long locks and she closed her eyes.

"What about Cordelia?" he asked and she sighed.

"She had a meltdown and then she plastered on a determined face... How do you think she is?"

"Do you really think there's anything we can do? To prevent this, I mean? It's three-hundred years coming..."

"I have to think there is," she stated flatly, opening her eyes again and he looked empathetic for the loss she was clearly already fearing.

"I know," he mumbled. "And I want to believe it too."

"Tomorrow," she said. "We'll find the answer tomorrow."

"Do you think Forte can help?" he wondered and she raised one shoulder in a shrug.

"We'll find out, I guess," she muttered and he smiled as he slipped his fingertips down her cheek.

"You're beautiful," he said and her gaze grew warm. "This week has been the best of my life."

"And I get to make the next week of your life the best as well," she stated. "And the next, and the next. This isn't the end coming, Will... It's another bump in the road. And we won't have to sacrifice anyone this time. We won't."

He reached down and took hold around her shoulders before gently pulling her up in order to get to kissing her.

But he couldn't say anything to reassure her or calm her, make her feel better; because he had a daunting feeling of his own, and it spoke nothing of salvation.

**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** ******************

I can't get my head around what the heck's happened to my otherwise so strong immune system! It keeps crashing on me for no apparant reason. These past three days I've been suffering the highest temperature of my not so very old life and yeah, it's been SO fun what with Christmas only a few DAYS away! Unbelievable. Okay, so the fever is still there, but at least I'm perky enough to not only get some writing done, but post this to you! So, yay, for that. ;)

Thanks a lot for the downpour of feed back! LOVED it, naturally! Really great and I hoooope ya liked this chapter as well.

Special and warm thanks to timeends (WOW. That was a lot of reviews. Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it that much! :) So many great comments and thoughts and I'm just overwhelmed! I'm so, so happy! Thank you!!! Hope you liked chapter 23 as well and also, this chapter! :) Merry Christmas!) :), Winters1 (Aw, I'm glad you're so understanding. It IS good to get some of ones thoughts out sometimes though, isn't it? Thanks a lot for your comments, my friend! And Meeery Christmas!) ;), wolf116 (oh, yeah, sorry, it's just you never really, really know, you know? I had a feeling! But still. :) Okay, so, GIRL, very happy that you're still enjoying and also glad that I was able to throw ya another loop. *smirks* Nah, but really, I'd hate for you to have it all figured out already! I actually like the fact that you don't tell me what you think is gonna happen. I mean, it's more interesting for me as well as you to see once all is written DOWN if you were right or not, get me? So, thanks for that. And I'll try my best to not get ill anymore, so that the updates will be a bit more not-sporadic. :) Merry Christmas!) :), Hot4Spike (It's rather ironic that you ask for Angel's death, isn't it? Well, sorry, didn't mean to start with that. Happy, happy to read you approve! Hope you still do. Merry Christmas!) :), Taelyn (loooved the long reply. :) Oh, my friend, it's okay! I'm so happy that you're writing now, and at all! Wonderful and great comments and thoughts on the chapter as always. And hey, you're making me all oooooh! Thank you for those words! Oh, the Swedish Christmas dinner thing... Well, we have quite different food from America, though I enjoy both in their own seperate ways. Ours is absolutely yummy. ;) We have it on a large table where everyone serves themselves and there's different kinds of salmon and ham and lots of really good stuff and, yeah, things like that. :) Okay, so Merry Christmas to you and letmechangeyourworld(andsometimesdistortthehelloutofit) nods her acknowledgement and says that she only tortures me a bit, if I don't sit on my ass enough.) ;), darklover (I'm happy to hear that! :) Hey, you guys deserve all the credit! My muse applauds you as well, of course! Merry Christmas!) :), Captain (Very happy you enjoyed the rambling and didn't go what the f***?! ;) It's cool, I know busy - we're old friends. I'm glad, right now, she's off my back, though. I've had to say hello to old Mr. Illness instead. Wonderful, isn't it. Heheh. Okay, so, cool to have it first hand that you ARE female, though I did hae my assumptions, yes. *muse purrs, by the way* Thanks so much and Merry Christmas!!!) :), ali-lou (hello! :) I will rock... or write on. Can't I do both? (Just a little spin- off of that lameness there, mate.) *wide smile and a chuckle* Glad you enjoyed chapter 23 as well, and thanks for the TWO reviews! Ask for more, ask for more, 'tis the giving season! And welcome to the Buffy on DVD absolute maniacs club! ;) I, on the other hand, have stood for the cost myself. *smirks* Confession: I lack S3 AND S7, so you have me beaten. But not for long! *lol* Congrats, neways, that is lovely for a Christmas gift! Absolutely thrilled you enjoy this and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!) ;), bluebird (So glad that you love it!!! Hope you still do and to see you back! Thank you and Merry Christmas!) :), Calyupsos (Why thank you for those nice comments! I'm glad you think so and really hope you'll think so of the rest as well. ;) Merry Christmas!) :)

To EVERYONE: Merry Christmas! I hope you'll have a joyful and warm one! (though I do wish for droves of snow!) :)

Thank you so much for great reviews and for taking the time. I'm sure most of you have hectic lives of your own, if not all of you. :)

All My Love, Annie.