¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤¤

What Is To Be

-Thirty-Second-

By Annie

2004-02-15

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤¤

The echoes of battle still rung in everyone's ears, but the absolute silence which now surrounded them seemed to enhance it, make it grow ever louder. Something which had been awaited for so very long, which had been anticipated and dreaded, which had caused so much worry – was over in less than ten minutes.

The world had once more slipped through the fingers of destruction and stood victorious in its still lingering winter shroud.

Inside the Hyperion was this gathering of fragile, confused, uplifted, shocked, disbelieving, joyous, invincible beings and they all stared at the one still lying on the rubble covered floor. The one who had changed.

Angel had his gaze in Cordelia's, held her eyes with his own as though he never wanted to look away from her again. He had expected death, he had reconciled with the thought – at the pivotal moment he had even embraced it – and here he was, so filled with the force of life that it was difficult for him to see. But he did see, and he saw her.

There was surprise in him, and yet it was as though an invisible hand was stroking his head gently, and as though a voice from another reality was telling him that all was as it should be; that he shouldn't question it, or ponder over it; that it was what it was and as it was in that way he should merely let it wash through him.

He slowly reached up a hand and touched Cordelia's cheek. She smiled through her tears, though he knew the latter were shed from happiness. Her eyes were sparkling with the very emotion. His fingertips took in the incredibly smooth and soft skin of her jaw line, his thumb grazing her lower lip. She felt different. More... real, somehow.

He slowly sat up. The feel of how his abs had to work to get him into that position was a sensation which had him feel in awe as he was suddenly very aware of his own body, of how his heart was pumping, of how his lungs were filling with air, of how he was a design brought to its perfection in order to carry him through life.

There it was again, that word.

Life.

For so long had he mused how it would be to step into the sun. For a year had he watched his younger former blood-relative as the bleached blonde enjoyed countless hours in the sun-drenched spots of the small yard. He had felt envy and a longing to remember exactly how the sun felt on his skin. He hadn't been able to.

He had been so certain that he was going to die, but now he felt a strange insight as to why he had felt that way. In the larger scale of it all, it had been Angelus who had known, all along, that his days were numbered. Projecting this emotion into the soul of Liam...

Liam.

...until the soul couldn't tell where its own feelings started and the demon's ended.

Angel had needed to be cleansed through the blood, he understood that; but he had needed this so that he could release Angelus. It was all so clear, like a bright pattern before his eyes. He smiled, feeling tears rise as well and then Cordelia's arms wrapped around him tightly. He could feel her press herself against him and he closed his eyes as she softly whispered:

"Thank God."

Buffy watched them with a sense of incredulity. Not over seeing them together, not over Angel being alive, her brain had already processed that and she felt slow tears of building happiness and relief softly form in her eyes because of that. No, the reason she felt so astonished, frankly, was because of the fact that it was over. The dust had settled, the drama was done, and she hadn't swung one punch. Her glory days were gone with this final clash, she had known it all along. Felt it in her bone marrow. The very last stand of the true Slayer. She was ready for it, and yet she had thought that she'd at least be able to...

Her gaze met Spike's and her mind was laid at rest. He had a small smile on and she mirrored it.

She looked at him and knew she had been wrong, her glory days weren't gone.

They were just about to begin.

***

"Are they going to do that much longer? It was amusing for about three minutes, but now it's starting to seriously get on my nerves," Faith stated half an hour later, hiking a thumb toward the spot where Aatoch had appeared and around which the order of Amon were seated chanting, and had been so for the passed twenty minutes.

"It's a ritual born probably three millennia ago," Wesley pointed out. "You can't really tamper with that."

"All they're doing is repeating the same stupid sentence over and over. Is this Aatoch dude deaf or just slow?" she muttered and Wesley smiled a broad smile at that, which had her return it mischievously. "Maybe I should join them?" she suggested, about to rise when Wesley promptly stopped her, shaking his head.

"Please, don't even joke about it," he said and she cocked an eyebrow.

"We really need to loosen you up," she stated and to that he merely smirked.

They were all sitting on the steps leading up to the front door. Buffy wrapped in Spike's arms, leaning her head back against his chest and watching Angel and Cordelia, who were seated in the exact same position. She wasn't sure she had ever seen two people looking more relaxed with being close to each other, taken that they'd never truly been so before. Angel's fingers were playing leisurely with Cordy's as they both looked at the spectacle of the order, and finally Buffy turned her eyes that way as well. Then she felt Spike's lips against the top of her head and she smiled a little.

None of all of them had said much of anything to each other, apart from commenting on the sudden need to buy some serious buckets of paint. And probably some sort of plaster as well. The foyer looked as though it had been hit randomly with a wrecking ball.

Now the chanting abruptly stopped and the twelve members of the order stood as one and then began to move toward the others assembled. They all rose as well and Forte looked up at them, a smile on his face.

"You fought bravely," he said.

"We?" Fred asked. "We didn't do anything but run, duck and cover."

"You fought a very hard fight within you as you watched your friends fall. Satoch felt how much you cared for them, and so did Aatoch," he replied. "In fact, he wanted you to have this," he added, holding out his hand in which a blue crystal, big enough to rest on his palm, lay.

He looked directly at Willow when doing this and the Wicca's eyes widened slightly.

"What?" she asked, taken aback.

"He knows you will take good care of it. It will come to your aid, should you be in need of its power," Forte stated and Willow stepped down, reaching out one hand and taking the crystal.

She looked at it, and then at Forte. She didn't say anything, but Buffy got the feeling that they were communicating out of range from the others.

"I hope you don't mind," Forte said, once Willow took a step back again, and this time he addressed Angel, "that I take my trinkets with me," he finished and Angel smiled, shaking his head.

Forte gave a nod, turned around and reached out his arms, holding his hands out and making the bottles fly up from the floor, across the room and into his grasp. Then he turned back to the group and gave a small bow before he began to walk up the steps, his followers filing in behind him.

"Why was he sad?" Willow asked, and Forte halted, turning his head to her and holding her gaze for a few seconds before he replied:

"Satoch was his brother."

***

"Will?"

He looked up as Buffy entered the bedroom, then back at Susannah where they had placed her in her bed. She was pale, but looked peaceful, only somehow this fact made it even more hurtful to watch her, remembering her last words.

He turned from the sight and walked up to Buffy, following her as she walked back out through the door and then leaning a little against the wall to the side of it as she closed it. Once it was done she faced him, but didn't say anything as she understood he treasured the silence at the moment, waiting patiently for him to speak.

"I should have done something," he finally murmured and she placed a hand gently on his arm, shaking her head a little.

"What could you possibly have done?" she asked softly.

"I could have... stopped her," he stated and Buffy smiled a melancholy smile before she replied:

"How? And to what end? It wouldn't have stopped Satoch...."

Spike turned his eyes in hers.

"I could've stopped him," he grumbled stubbornly and she grew serious, moving her hands to put them on either side of his face and making him focus on her.

"No," she said. "You couldn't."

He closed his eyes and leaned forward, her arms enfolding him in a tender embrace and she comfortingly stroked his hair as he buried his face in the crook of her neck, his arms slipping around her as well and holding her tightly.

"Poor baby," she said quietly, kissing the side of his throat and wishing there was some more definite way, than showing her support, that she could ease his pain.

***

"Is anyone hungry?" Wesley asked and everybody looked up at him where they sat around the conference table an hour later.

Thirty minutes earlier the power seemed to have been switched back on because all the light-bulbs had flickered and then regained strength, bathing the interior of the Hyperion with the console of electricity.

"Not really," Gunn now answered Wesley's question and there were murmurs of agreement from the rest.

"I feel like I have a bunch of things to say, but there are so many thoughts in my head I can't get it straight," Fred said.

"I know what you mean," Faith sighed, shifting in her seat.

They were all quiet again and then Buffy asked:

"How do you feel?"

Angel turned his gaze in hers at the question and then he smiled a half smile.

"Tired," he replied. "But in a surprisingly good way," he added and they all shared a laugh at that, feeling as though the weight of the day was slowly being lifted, and the joy they had felt as they realized that they stood triumphant began to make itself remembered.

"We've suffered a great loss today," Wesley stated and the severity came back, though this time it was with an awe and love that made the feeling of lightness stay in the atmosphere. "But through Susannah's sacrifice we were also saved, so let's not dwell in sorrow and grief, but remember her as the heroine that she is, and be glad to have known her."

"Who'll take care of the funeral arrangements?" Spike asked, his voice strained and Buffy linked her fingers with his.

"I will," Cordelia said.

"No," Fred shook her head. "You shouldn't have to..." she added, trailing off and then having a slight smile on before she finished with: "I'll take care of it."

Cordelia returned her smile.

"You sure?" she asked and the former nodded.

"So, what's with the giving of gifts to only the super-supernaturally inclined?" Buffy wondered and Willow turned her head to her before she smirked.

"Changing the subject?" she asked, and when Buffy glanced briefly at Spike Willow didn't wait for a reply before she continued: "The crystal contains a lot of Aatoch's power. He's a peace-seeking demon, if you recall, and he decided to put his strength into the crystal to save him from further call- to-arms, so to speak... I was a bit shocked that I was to have the crystal, and I'm still not sure why. Guess time will tell."

"While we're on the subject of Forte, did you receive an explanation during your little tête-à-tête as to what he meant by the 'four times four' remark?" Wesley asked.

"Yes," Willow answered. "He told me... Susannah's bloodline has gone through four different stages in each of which four important changes have occurred in the history of her family. He didn't give me any specifics, but I guess he didn't have to."

"What else did he tell you?" Buffy wondered.

"He said the reason we weren't instantly killed by Satoch was because of Aatoch. His presence kept us safe until he could appear in his real form."

"The bottle of Ritha, then?" Fred spoke up. "What did it actually do to Satoch?"

"Nothing except release him," Willow stated.

"And Forte... who is he, really?" Gunn inquired.

"He's one of the good guys," Willow answered simply.

They drifted into conversation about the fight, about the Hyperion and the world and it wasn't until hours later that they began to rise, deciding it was high time to head to bed.

***

Cordelia hesitated in the hallway outside Angel's bedroom, where they both had come to a tentative halt. He looked as she felt and she smiled a little to try and get the nervousness away from her. It didn't really work. The nearness of him had been wonderful, almost exhilarating, during the past hours; but now the intimacy of the mere thought of entering his room made her feel like blushing. She wanted to; boy, did she want to. But...

"So..." she said and Angel nodded.

"So."

"If you were tired seven hours ago I'm pretty sure all you wanna do now is get some sleep," she stated and he cocked an eyebrow, a gesture which made her heart beat elevate almost painfully in her chest.

"Yeah," he then said, though she could hear in his tone that that wasn't what he wanted to offer as a response.

"Yeah," she mumbled. "So..." she repeated and he smiled at her insecurity.

He wasn't exactly the pillar of calm himself at the moment, but he knew he really didn't want to sleep alone, and he didn't care if that meant only holding her, having her close at all seemed to him the very essence of Heaven and he had no desire of giving that up for a mere few hours of sleep.

"Good night," she said, moving to walk passed him and he was about to stop her, but instead found himself watching her walk down the hallway.

"Cordelia," he then said and at the sound of his voice she came to a slow stop before turning back to him.

She smiled a small smile, which he mirrored before he stepped through the door of his room. It didn't take longer than half a minute until her form appeared in the doorway. She walked inside as well, closing the door quietly behind her and then having her eyes in his. The moment stretched, prolonged itself as though it was the most important in the history of time, and then her smile split it three quarters of a second before she said:

"So..."

He smirked at that, approaching her with a sudden caution as he wanted nothing to ruin the carefulness of her stature. He wanted her just like that, open and unabashed at showing him her pounding heart and her weak knees. Knowing that he felt the exact same way. As he stopped before her she tilted her head back and looked up at him, her gaze warm and expectant and he smiled.

"I love you," he said, voice low and she felt a swarm of flutters near her heart.

"And I love you," she whispered, closing her eyes as he leaned forward.

His lips took in her upper one softly, her arms moving up and around his neck as she stepped into him. Then the kiss deepened gently and he held her to him. He took in the feel of her tongue, the sensation of her hands first in his hair and then her arms around him again, taking him in the way he was drinking her up and he smiled in the midst of the kiss before he ended it the way it started.

Then he took one of her hands in one of his and led the way to the bed.

"Stay with me tonight," he implored, voice still lowered and her smile widened before she nodded.

Her fingers unbuttoned his shirt, taking their time with the task as her eyes still rested in his. Her hands slipped up once the job was done, under the cotton and over his shoulders, pulling the shirt down and having it fall to the floor. He pulled her sweater over her head before moving closer and they embraced as their lips once more joined.

They somehow removed each others pants, though the kissing this time refused to give way for trying gropes and silenced giggles. His hands took in her curves and she breathed into his mouth, her heart hammering against his chest, but his was beating just as hard. The rapture of a different familiarity which occurred in every new touch and taste had him utterly transfixed. As had she, when he pulled away to look at her.

She smiled at the expression on his face, then with clear self- consciousness removed her bra. He kept his gaze in hers, but returned her smile before placing his fingertips by her collarbones, and then letting them move down to her breasts, teasing her already hard nipples and having her close her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her again, kissing her neckline as he placed her on the bed.

Kissing his way down to her stomach he pulled her underwear off and then moved up again, putting his face by hers and looking down at her. He could see how ready she was for him, how much she wanted him, and loved him.

But now it was his turn to grow self-conscious. He grew tentative for yet another set of moments, and then he got rid of his own underwear as well. When he lay back next to her again she rolled over on her side so that they were pressed together and he closed his eyes as she kissed him deeply, her hands roaming his body freely now.

He rolled her over on her back again, moving so that he was between her legs and she parted them invitingly.

Pulling back he waited until she opened her eyes and having her gaze once more locked in his own he delicately began to make love to her.

***

"Are you okay?" Buffy asked, turning out the bedside lamp before getting into bed and cuddling into Spike's waiting embrace.

His arms closed tight around her as she put her cheek to his chest, listening intently to his heart.

"I'm okay," he murmured. "I'm just gonna miss her," he added and Buffy moved her head to look up at him.

"I know, honey," she said empathically. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, love," he replied and she felt as though she should consider the topic dropped.

Perhaps it was for the best.

"It seems a bit unreal, don't you think?" she wondered and when he merely raised his eyebrows she elaborated: "That it went by so quickly."

"Yes," he agreed.

"But we're alive."

"That we are."

She was silent for another minute, then said:

"I feel like you're annoyed with me."

He closed his eyes, then pulled her up so that they were face to face, catching her gaze and holding it as he answered:

"I'm not annoyed with you. I'm sad, Buffy. I'm sad she had to die, that I couldn't help her. I feel like I didn't spend enough time, like I wasn't paying enough attention. Like if I'd only done that, she'd bloody be alive!"

He made himself shut up when he realized his voice was growing louder, but then Buffy's small hand slid into his and squeezed it knowingly. He understood that she understood exactly what it was he was saying and when he looked back at her he could see it written in those greens of hers.

"It wasn't your fault," she said. "None of it was your fault, William. Do you hear me? Hon? Can you get that through that thick, pigheaded skull of yours?"

When he finally smiled she mirrored it, a small ray of relief spreading its light within her.

"Susannah wasn't meant to be saved," she continued softly. "It's terrible and awful, but she wasn't meant to be. Just like you weren't meant to be... Maybe, if you look at the history we have with a lot of dead folk, we'll see her again."

"I'm sure we will," he stated. "No matter when or where," he added and Buffy gave another small smile at that before moving near to him again, kissing his jaw line before nuzzling even closer.

He held her to him and closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry you had to have such a terrible birthday," she whispered and he shook his head slowly.

"You're still with me, sweetheart. That makes it not seem so terrible," he murmured and she smiled faintly.

"We'll make it up next year..." she said and he squeezed her a little.

"Don't fret over it, love," he replied. "I didn't even think about it being today 'til you mentioned it. I haven't celebrated it in such a long time."

She was silent at that, regretting that she didn't wake him that morning in a nicer manner, or that she didn't say anything sooner. But the feeling vanished as she understood it didn't matter. Today he hadn't thought of himself for one moment, and so trying to stress the fact seemed to violate his actions.

"I'm so tired," he grumbled.

"Then rest, my love," she whispered and a faint smile reappeared on his mouth.

"Say that again," he asked and she frowned, then smiled as well.

"Rest... my love."

***

"This morning's top news – it seems a wave of unnatural climate variations have occurred all across the globe these past forty-eight hours. The inexplicable phenomenon seems to have started droves of discussions, not only in the homes of families around the world, but in the halls of congress and the rooms of the White House as well. A UN spokesman said today that a group of scientists have been ordered on the case and are currently conducting studies as to whether these astonishing events may have something to do with global warming."

Cordelia huffed.

"Here we go," she muttered, shaking her head.

"As the weather is rapidly growing back to its normal temperature, the worry of the end of the world as we know it has been put at ease. In related news – the worldwide sightings of unidentified creatures have been dismissed by the Secretary of Defense today. He states that it is most likely to have been a group of environmental extremists who wished to cause a stir as debate began regarding the reason for this weeks alarming change in nature."

"So there they go, slipping back into their quiet, comfortable little corner of blissful ignorance," Buffy sighed and Cordelia turned her head to her as she hit the off-button of the TV-remote.

"Did we expect anything else?" the brunette asked. "Can you even imagine a world where everyone knows what actually goes on behind the scenes? People would hijack space shuttles just to get away from this place."

"That'd be a sight," Angel smiled and Cordelia looked at him before smiling back and giving him a kiss.

She was seated on his lap, her arms firmly around him, and the two humans looked as though from now on they would be literally inseparable.

"Are you going to do that every time I open my mouth?" Angel now inquired and Cordelia gave it a second's thought before she leaned forward and gave him another kiss. He smiled again. "I think I can get used to this," he said and she smiled as well, their lips once more joining.

"Ah, to be young and in love," Wesley said as he walked past the scene, coffee cup in hand.

"It's not too late for you, old chap," Spike offered with a smirk and the watcher stopped to give the former vampire a slight glare.

Buffy laughed, giving Spike a kiss on the cheek as she got to her feet and then she proceeded into the kitchen.

"Buffy!" Fred called from the foyer and the Slayer continued on her way in order to go and see what the former wanted. "It's a call for you."

Buffy raised her eyebrows and then walked into Angel's office, taking the receiver and putting it to her ear.

"Yeah?" she said.

"I can't believe you didn't call me the first thing you did after you realized the planet wasn't exploding!" Dawn exclaimed and Buffy's eyes widened.

"But, Dawn..." she tried, only her little sister wouldn't hear it.

"Do you have any idea how worried I've been? I could barely sleep all night 'cause I was scared you had DIED again. I mean, I didn't feel like you had died and I think – being your sister – I would've at least FELT something, but I was SO scared anyway and the least one would expect is for you to CALL your only sister on your death bed!"

"I'm not dying."

"Yeah, well, that's a good thing 'cause if you had been, man, had I been mad at you!"

"Dawn," Buffy repeated. "I never actually told you about what was going on here. I assumed you didn't know. I was going to call Giles in an hour or so, because I know he usually is out on town between one and six, and it's only ten o'clock in the morning over here. I'm sorry, Dawnie, really. I thought you'd be in school."

Dawn seemed to calm down at that, then replied dryly:

"In case you hadn't noticed there's been a lot of stuff going on not just in L.A."

"No, I had noticed," Buffy stated.

"Yeah, well, did you know that it was hailing here for about a day-and-a- half? It's not the easiest thing to go outside when you're facing bits of ice as big as fists raining from the sky. I tell you, this country is cursed when it comes to the weather."

Buffy laughed at that.

"Buff," Dawn then said, and the slight longing in her voice made Buffy ache to be there, with her; and not so far away from her. "When are you coming home?"

"Soon," the Slayer assured. "Very soon. I have a few more things to deal with here, though. But in a week, Dawn. I promise it won't take longer than that."

"I love you," Dawn said and Buffy smiled.

"I love you," she agreed.

"Oh, Giles is home," Dawn said before she bellowed: "Giles! Buffy on the phone for you!"

Buffy held the receiver away from her ear, but had the smile still plastered on her face.

"Buffy! Are you all right?" Giles asked as he had taken the phone from the younger sister.

"Most of us are," she answered him. "It's a bit crazy, this whole thing with the world, isn't it?" she added.

"All my life I've waited for something like this to happen. I've dreaded it as well, thinking what it might do to the commoners if they were to understand the danger they suffer every day..." he replied, trailing off before continuing with: "And now – well, I take it you've seen the news? Yes. I could never in my wildest dreams have thought it would be this easy to cover something of such grave importance up, but they managed it. It's all for the best, I suppose."

"Yeah," Buffy agreed slowly. "I mean, there'd probably be a panic, and then mobs trying to hunt the demons down on their own accord, then war... Yeah, I'd say it's all for the best, definitely."

"It's good to hear your voice," he admonished and she smiled again.

"It's good to hear yours too," she said.

"When are you coming home, Buffy?"

"Soon," she repeated her answer. "Very soon."

***

The day of Susannah's funeral was a fitting gray. The sky was stocked with white clouds and sheets of lukewarm rain dragged through Los Angeles. The ceremony was simple, but beautiful, and Spike stood by the grave for a long while once Susannah was beneath the earthy surface. Buffy walked with the others, feeling as though she should leave him to say his goodbye.

He didn't know where to start.

The tumultuous past days – past week! – was hard to understand as it was. His whole life had gone through major changes in most of its aspects, and now, here he stood at the foot of a grave in which rested a truly beloved friend.

"I remember our first conversation," he finally said. "You told me that you didn't have anything to talk about, since all your memories seemed dull and dark. Painful. And I said that talking about something which seems hopeless and hurtful, sometimes brings it into a different light. Blimey, could you talk." He smiled to himself, looking at the name on the headstone and feeling his throat bundling up with emotion. "You told me about your whole life, and I wasn't about to be less candid. You grew into one of the closest friends I've ever had, Sannah, and I'll miss you everyday. And I'm... I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted me to. But you have to know that I did love you, so much." He paused, swiping at his tears, then he finished silently: "Be happy."

He then followed in the footsteps of the others back to the cars. Buffy snaking an arm around his waist as he came up to join at her side. He gave her a weak smile in assurance that he was doing alright, and then they all climbed into the vehicles, setting their sights on the Hyperion.

The day transpired in quiet reflect, a hush which were brought forth out of respect of the deceased. But there was no hesitation in the smiles they shared once those occurred, since they knew that if Susannah from somewhere was able to look down upon them she would surely frown if they couldn't share the happiness which also – irreversibly – sailed the halls of the hotel as love's brilliantly white dove seemed set on staying within its walls.

***

Three days later Buffy, Spike and Willow boarded the plane which would take them across the country and to England.

The farewell had been bittersweet and heartfelt with truthful promises of a get-together very soon.

"So, the Slayer shroud comes off?" Angel had asked Buffy as they shared a hug and she had laughed, nodding.

"Yeah, I think it's officially found a hook," she had admitted. "But I'll put it on from time to time."

"I'm sure you will," he had nodded.

Buffy had taken his hand and then Cordelia's, looking at the couple with real warmth in her eyes before she had smiled brightly.

"I'll see you soon," she had said and they had both returned her smile before embracing her.

"You bet your ass you will," Cordelia had stated, her eyes glazed with tears as they pulled back again. "Only this time it'll be YOUR place we'll be crashing."

Buffy laughed again, nodding her sound agreement to that before turning to Spike and Willow, who were waiting for her.

Now it seemed on the border of surreal that she had left England only a week-and-a-half earlier, and that she had gone feeling lost and alone, but returned with the one thing which she had been in want of.

She felt like the luckiest being when she looked into the blue of his gaze, and she knew that whatever was to be from this moment on, it would only get better.

**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** ******************

Don't miss the epilogue! ;)