Janet spent the next few hours curled up on the couch watching sappy black-and-white movies and drowning her sorrows in ice cream and chocolate. She cried herself to sleep partway through Casablanca and woke up as it ended, feeling as sick in her stomach as she did in her heart. The feeling was a welcome diversion, as it kept her mind from dwelling too much on what she had just lost - on the chance at happiness that she had allowed to walk right out of her front door.
She didn't want to think about it, because she knew there had been no logical reason for it. Daniel was right - if they really did love each other, which she had been sure for that one fleeting moment that they did, they could find a way to make it work. They didn't fall under the same chain of command, so as long as she handed direct care of Daniel's health over to another member of the staff, and as long as their relationship didn't interfere with morale, discipline, or respect for authority on the base, General Hammond wouldn't be likely to stand in their way. She had seen it before with others on the base, and no harm had come from it; no complaints had been filed. The SGC seemed to be in a world of its own when it came to certain military rules, regulations, and procedures, in some areas being more relaxed while in others being more strict.
When it came right down to it, the personnel of the SGC were more of a family than a military unit. They had seen more of the universe together than any one of them had ever dreamed was possible, and they knew better than anyone else on Earth just how precious life and freedom were and how easily those privileges could be stripped away from them. They came up against the most horrifying, nightmare-inducing things imaginable on a daily basis, so for the sake of their sanity and well being, they were occasionally offered certain allowances.
So, why had she brought up the regulations as one of her reasons for pushing Daniel away? She felt somehow that she didn't want to know the answer to that question. She pushed it to the back of her mind with a vengeance every time it voiced itself inside her mind. He was her patient, she told herself with finality. That alone was enough to mark him as off-limits as far as romance went. Wasn't it?
When Cassandra came in from school later that afternoon, the shock on the girl's face finally made it register to Janet how utterly wretched she must look. "Mom? Are you okay?" the girl asked anxiously. Her gaze quickly scanned the room and took in the empty ice cream containers, candy wrappers, and tissues that were strewn everywhere. "What happened?"
"I'm okay, honey. Everything's fine," Janet reassured her, rising to her feet and trying to make herself look presentable.
A look of fear suddenly wiped all colour from Cassie's face as a thought seemed to dawn on her, and she asked tremulously, "Teal'c... is he... did he...?"
It only took Janet a moment to realize what her daughter was asking. Cassie had known about Teal'c's brainwashing, and Janet had told her over the phone the night before that it was Teal'c she was having to stay overnight at the SGC to try to save. "Oh, no, sweetheart! Teal'c is fine. He's back to his old self now, and he's going to be just fine." She tried to force a smile, but she knew that the fact that her eyes were red and swollen and that she couldn't stop herself from sniffling every few seconds made it rather unconvincing.
Cassie let out a deep breath of relief, her hand clutching her chest as though trying to stop her heart from racing. Janet knew how fond she was of Teal'c, as she was of all of SG-1, and how concerned she had been about him for the past couple of weeks, so her reaction came as no surprise.
The girl's eyes soon narrowed as she took in her mother's harrowed appearance. "If Teal'c's okay, then what's with the junk food binge?" she asked warily. "Did something else happen?"
Janet shrugged off her concern with a wave of her hand. "It's just been a long few weeks. I needed to indulge myself for a little while."
Cassie shot her a dubious look, but Janet ignored it and turned away to begin cleaning up the mess she had made of the room. Picking up the garbage she had left lying on the couch brought one of the day's previous incidents freshly to mind. "By the way, Cass, you neglected to bring the garbage cans in off the street last night. Again."
She regretted the words as soon as she'd said them, but with the mood she was in, the last thing she wanted was to be grilled about her emotional state - especially by her teenaged daughter.
Cassandra made a typically teenagerish sound of frustration. "I knew there was something I forgot to do!"
"Yes. This has been happening far too often lately, Cassandra. How many times do I have to tell you - those things can be dangerous if they're left to roll around in the street like that all night. All it would take is one tired driver..."
"Geez, Mom, relax! They're just garbage cans! It won't happen again, alright?"
Before Janet had a chance to respond, Cassie stormed off to her room and shut the door angrily behind her.
Janet sank down onto the couch as Cassie's music started blaring. Her head had suddenly begun to pound on top of everything else. 'Will this day ever end?' she thought in misery as she wearily massaged her temples and tried to keep her stomach under control.
Although something told her that tomorrow might not be much better.
Surprisingly, by the next morning Janet was feeling somewhat more human again. She felt a sense of dread whenever she thought about what might happen once she found herself in the same room with Daniel, but even that didn't turn out to be as awkward as she feared. Soon after she arrived back at the SGC, she went in to check on Teal'c and found him sitting up, fully alert and healthy, surrounded once more by the other members of SG-1. Janet was only too happy to give him a clean bill of health and pronounce him fit to leave the infirmary and return to duty, and she received two happy, grateful smiles and a gracious nod from Teal'c in return as the group quickly vacated the premises. What stood out to her the most, however, was the rather tight, but no less sincere, smile of thanks from Daniel.
'That wasn't so bad,' she thought as she watched the four of them leave through the corner of her eye. The presence of the others had prevented her from having to speak directly to Daniel, while still giving them both a chance to get their first meeting after the events of the previous day out of the way.
It had also given her a chance to discreetly study his face and body language for signs of how he was dealing with everything. She was relieved to see that although his eyes were just as red and swollen behind his glasses as her own were, he seemed to be trying his best to act as though nothing had happened. She was also pleased to note that no one around them seemed to notice that anything was different. Even if anyone did pick up on their puffy eyes, she reasoned, no doubt they would put it down to their having cried tears of joy and relief that Teal'c was well again. That thought somehow made her feel better.
It wasn't until later that day that she saw him again, and the suddenness of their meeting caught her momentarily off guard. She was about to climb the steps to enter the control room to see Sam, when she realized that Daniel was coming down them without really paying attention to what was going on around him. Resisting the urge to duck back around the corner before he could see her, she instead stepped aside to let him go by. He did a double take as he passed her, however, and came to an abrupt halt mid-step.
"Janet. Hi."
"Hi, Daniel."
"Um... how are you?"
"I'm fine. You?"
"I'm... I'm fine. Thank you."
There was a momentary pause, during which both of them stared down at their shoes and tried to think of something to say. Ironically, they both thought of something at the same time.
"I've just been..." Daniel began.
"I hear you..." Janet said simultaneously.
They both stopped and laughed awkwardly. "Sorry... um... you were, uh... you were saying?" Daniel asked, his stammer betraying his nerves.
"I was just going to say that I hear your next mission has already been approved," Janet said, hoping that her voice would remain steady and controlled.
"Yes. General Hammond thought it best to get us back out there as soon as possible, so it's scheduled for two days from now. Nothing much... abandoned planet, lots of ruins, that kind of thing."
"Sounds like it'll be a nice treat for you, then." The words had come out more softly than she had intended them to, but she couldn't help but feel a rush of warmth and tenderness flow through her heart for this man at the way his eyes lit up, however briefly, at the thought of whatever archaeological treasures were awaiting his inspection on the planet in question. His passion for his work was one of the things that had endeared him to her from the start.
"Should be, yeah." Daniel's gaze locked with hers for a long moment, and Janet had the distinct feeling that he was once again seeing into her heart and was drinking in the feelings of love she had temporarily allowed to escape as though they were water for his thirsty soul.
Giving herself a mental shake, she broke the eye contact and climbed a step up the staircase. "I, uh... I was on my way to see Sam about something, so uh... I should go," she said, suddenly feeling anxious to get away.
"Right. Okay. See you later," Daniel mumbled, looking slightly deflated.
Janet had only managed to climb two more steps, however, before he spoke again.
"J...Janet?"
She stopped and turned to look at him over her shoulder. "Yes?"
His mouth opened and closed soundlessly a few times as though he had something important to say but didn't know how to say it. Finally, he asked with a wistful, pained expression, "Are... are we... okay?"
Janet's heart melted at the earnest question, and her sore eyes threatened to well up on her again. "Of course we are," she assured him, and she forced what she believed to be a smile onto her lips.
He nodded and smiled faintly in return, but just as he was about to move away, Janet felt an overwhelming urge to stop him.
"Daniel?"
"Yes?"
The hope in his eyes as he turned back to her nearly broke what little of her heart was still intact, but there was just one thing more that she had to say. "I never did thank you for... for helping me. I just want you to know that what you said... it was just what I needed to hear. So, thank you."
Daniel gave her a sad smile - one that told her that he was pleased to hear what she had said, but that he had, in that moment, resigned himself to the fact that there would never be any more between them than friendship. "Anytime," he said quietly.
Janet watched him as he slowly turned and walked away. While part of her longed to go after him and tell him it had all been a big mistake, that she loved him and wanted to be with him more than anything else in the world, part of her was content with the knowledge that the most wonderful, truly beautiful man she had ever known was, and always would be, her dearest friend. That, for now, would have to be enough.
Author's End Note: Please don't hate me for the way this fic ends! Don't worry, there
will be sequels and prequels and all kinds of things before long, and they will have
a happy ending. Honest!
