Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 1
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: It's day one in the Big Brother house. Jack and Martouf are having a fight with a frozen cod.
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier.
~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 1 ~
By Ruth
**********
"It's day one in the Big Brother house. All ten housemates are settling down into their new environment. However, Martouf and Jack are already having a fight with a frozen cod."
Jack picked up the cod from the freezer and slapped Martouf around the face with it. It was such a large fish that the momentum nearly knocked him over. Janet got up from the couch and went over to try and break up the fight.
"Jack! Jack! Godammit, Jack, we have to eat that!"
"We've only been here for two f-BEEP ing hours and he's already annoying the f-BEEP out of me!"
"Big Brother would like to remind the housemates that, as it is only 7:00, your language must be moderated as there may be children watching."
Jack reluctantly put down the cod and went back over to the couch where Anise and Sam joined him. On Sam's left was Maybourne and on his left was Teal'c, who was looking extraordinarily confused. Janet and Sam went into the kitchen to make dinner for them all.
Also on the couch was Agent Barrett. He was still quite confused as to what he was doing here, but the fact that Sam was there was all that mattered to him. At least he could trust her. Hathor was getting scarily close to Daniel, who kept on edging away from her on the couch, to no avail.
**********
"It's 8:00 in the Big Brother House. Sam and Janet are making dinner in the kitchen. The other eight housemates are on the couch, and have been for the past two hours."
Daniel was now very scared. Hathor was definitely trying to put the moves on him and he didn't like it one bit.
"Would Daniel please go to the diary room."
Daniel happily got up and went into the diary room.
"Hello Daniel."
"Er…hi."
"How are you finding it in the house?"
"Erm…it's good. Bit different to what I'm used to, but…"
"We've noticed that Hathor seems to like you. How do you feel about this?"
"Erm……I…….I don't like it very much."
"Why is that?"
"Erm….Well, I don't have to tell you, do I?"
"There is no need to lose your temper, Big Brother is merely curious."
Daniel sighed in exasperation and left the diary room, where he was pleased to hear Sam and Janet calling that dinner was ready.
"It's 9:00 in the Big Brother house. Sam and Janet cooked fish and chips for the ten housemates. Anise and Hathor are in the pool, and the rest of the housemates are inside."
Anise smiled as she stretched her legs, pleased to see that she was a lot taller than Hathor.
"Why did I come here?" Hathor asked, looking up at the sky.
"Same reason I did - Colonel O'Neill and Daniel Jackson."
Hathor smiled. "Yes. Now I remember."
Inside, Barrett was trying to make polite conversation with Maybourne.
"So…why did you come on here?"
"You want the truth? I was drunk - Jack asked me, I thought he was joking, so I said yes. Now I'm stuck in this p-BEEP hole until someone votes me out."
"Ah."
"What about you?"
"Well….I don't know really…just wanted to get away from the day job."
"And closer to Major Carter?"
Barrett blushed. "Shut up."
Maybourne nodded thoughtfully and got up to make himself a hot dog.
**********
"It's 10:00 in the Big Brother House. We're about to surprise the housemates by getting them to nominate two people who will be put to the public vote for eviction on Friday."
"Would Anise come to the diary room?"
Anise got up and went into the diary room.
"Anise, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
Anise folded her hands in her lap and smiled.
"I'd like to nominate Sam for eviction, because she's competition where Colonel O'Neill is concerned."
"Do you have any other reasons?"
"No."
"Thank you, Anise. Your second nomination?
"Hathor - she's a bitch!"
"Urm…thank you. Could you send Daniel in please?"
"Yes."
**********
"Daniel, we would like you to nominate one housemate for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Hathor, because I'm…uh…scared she's going to rape me."
-Long Pause-
"Thank you. Your second nomination?"
"Uh…Harry. He doesn't like me, I'm worried that he'll…uh…maim me."
"Thank you, Daniel. Could you send Harry in, please?"
**********
"Harry, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Malcolm, because of that stick up his arse!"
-Long Pause-
"I'm sorry, Harry, but Malcolm does not appear to have a stick inserted into his back passage. Could you chose another housemate please?"
"Uh…Anise. She's so obviously hitting on Jack and it's annoying the piss out of me."
"Thank you, Harry. And your second nomination?"
"Malcolm Barrett. He's annoying me."
"Thank you, Harry. Could you send Hathor in please?"
**********
"Hathor, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Sam - she is the one that would defeat us!"
"Okay. And your second nomination?"
"Anise - she's a bitch!"
"Thank you, Hathor. Could you send Jack in, please?"
**********
"Jack, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Anise - she's flirting with me and it's really getting on my nerves - I hate her, she's a…"
"Thank you. Your second nomination?"
"Hathor - she's gonna rape Danny, I'm sure of it!"
-Long Pause-
"Thank you. Could you send Janet in please?"
**********
"Janet, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Anise, because she's rude and very ungrateful."
"And your second nomination?"
"Hathor, because she's also rude and ungrateful - and she really is going to rape Daniel."
"Could you send Malcolm in, please?"
**********
"Malcolm, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Okay, first…Harry. The man's just evil personified."
"And your second nomination?"
"Jack - he's just rude and he farts all the time."
"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Martouf in please?"
**********
"Martouf, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Jack - he slapped me round the face with a raw cod and he's always been rude to me."
"Your second nomination, please?"
"Harry - he's from the NID, I don't trust him."
"Thank you. Could you send Sam in please?"
**********
"Sam, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Anise - she's really annoying and totally rude to Janet all of the time!"
"And your second nomination?"
"Hathor. I think she's very likely to kill me when she gets the chance."
"Thank you. Could you send Teal'c in please?"
**********
"Teal'c, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I do not understand - what is the point of placing all of us in a house together if we will only be removed one by one?"
"Your nominations, please."
Teal'c cocked an eyebrow. "I believe Anise to be most infuriating."
"And your second nomination?"
"Hathor. She attempted to enslave my friends and kill another on three occasions."
"Big Brother has not noticed this, but very well. Thank you, Teal'c."
**********
"It's day two in the Big Brother house. After last night's nominations, eight of the housemates are still in bed. Jack and Martouf are the only ones up, and they are fighting with bags of frozen peas."
"Colonel, why do you insist on beating me with frozen objects every morning?" asked Martouf, ducking to avoid another blow from the frozen weapon.
"It keeps me amused - Marty, it's so boring in here!"
"I know, Colonel, but could we not do something more constructive with your boredom?"
"Like what?"
"Like…decorations, cooking, anything! Just stop hitting me with those f-BEEP-ing peas!"
"Marty, you do know we're live on national TV, right?"
**********
"It's 10:00. The housemates are about to be told who is up for eviction on Friday night, and are gathering on the sofa."
"Housemates, you are live on channel 4. Please do not swear. We can now reveal that the three housemates up for eviction on Friday are…"
(stupidly long dramatic pause)
"In alphabetical order…"
(stupidly long dramatic pause)
"Anise…"
(stupidly long dramatic pause)
"Hathor…"
(stupidly long dramatic pause)
"and…"
(even more stupidly long dramatic pause)
"Sam."
**********
"It's day two in the Big Brother House. Jack has gone on a mad rampage, demanding to know who nominated Sam for eviction."
"Aright, who was it? What the f-BEEP do you think you were doing?"
"Uh…Jack…you do know we're on National TV, right?"
"Yes, I know, Sam."
"And you do know that this is a game - that we will all be voted out eventually, right?"
"Jack breaks down sobbing in Sam's arms. Harry laughs at him, prompting Jack to start a fight with a large French stick. Janet, meanwhile, is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."
"Hello Janet."
"Hello."
"How did you find the nominations?"
"I thought it was fine, but I wasn't nominated, you see."
"Big Brother is aware of this. How do you think Sam is coping?"
"She's fine. Taking it all in her stride - Jack's making it worse by snivelling all of the time."
"Why do you think Jack took her eviction so badly?"
"He doesn't want to be stuck in here without her, and with Anise and Hathor."
"How do you feel about being the only normal one in the house?"
"Excuse me?"
**********
"It's day three in the Big Brother house. In two days, either Anise, Hathor or Sam will be leaving the Big Brother house. This morning, Jack and Martouf are having a fight with some baked beans."
"Colonel, I thought you agreed yesterday that we would stop all of this fighting business and try to do something more creative with your boredom."
"You actually believed that, Marty? Jeez!"
Martouf could not reply, as he had a mouthful of cold baked beans to deal with.
"It's one o'clock in the Big Brother house. Sam and Janet are making lunch, and bitching about Anise and Hathor, who are in the garden."
"If she gets any closer to Jack she'll bump heads with him!"
"I know - and Hathor is freaking Danny out so badly!"
"Cow!"
"Bitch!"
"Last night, Anise was like, 'Oh, don't worry Sam, I'll look after Jack when you're gone.' I was just totally annoyed - I was gonna hit her, but I couldn't be bothered."
"Don't waste your energy - save it for Hathor. Poor Danny's so scared that he locked himself in the bathroom for an hour last night to try and escape her lingerie display."
"Lingerie display? That can't be legal!"
"Tell me about it. I nearly lost my lunch - that is, if we had any, which we don't, because Jack and Martouf keep fighting with it."
"This place is mad."
**********
"It's 2200 in the Big Brother house. We've called Sam into the diary room for a chat."
"Hello Sam."
"Hi."
"How are you feeling about Friday night?"
"I've mixed feelings, really. I don't want to be the first one to go, but if I have to watch Harry shaving his armpits in the kitchen again I'm gonna hurl."
"You're not concerned that Anise and Hathor don't seem to like you?"
"No. I can't honestly say that I like them."
"I see. What have been your favourite moments in the house these past three days?"
"Um…well, there was Barrett pushing Hathor accidently into the pool, and Jack accidently pouring custard on Harry's head…"
"Thank you, Sam."
**********
"It's day four in the Big Brother House. Tomorrow is eviction night. Jack and Martouf are having a fight with tomato ketchup."
"Really, colonel, this is becoming most tiresome!"
"Well, Marty, what do you expect me to do? I'm bored out of my flipping mind!"
"Yes, but is there any particular reason that you chose me to hurl food products at every morning?"
"I don't like ya!"
"Why?"
"Cos you're always sniffin' around Carter, that's why!"
"Can you honestly say that you do not also do this, O'Neill?"
Jack paused for a moment, realising that Martouf was right, and squirted ketchup in his eye.
**********
"It's one o'clock. Hathor and Anise are making dinner. They've chosen shrimp."
"Daniel is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."
"Hello Daniel."
"Hi."
"Who do you think will go tomorrow?"
"I…well, I hope Hathor will go."
"Why?"
"Why? You ask me that question every goddamed time I come in here! SHE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!"
"Big Brother has not noticed this, Daniel."
"Oh, f-BEEP off!"
**********
"It's eviction Friday in the Big Brother house. Because Martouf has locked himself in the diary room, Jack is slapping Malcolm with some wet kippers."
"You really need to get a life, Colonel."
(Wet-sounding slap)
"You're such a child!"
(Wet-sounding slap)
"I bet Sam fancies me more than she fancies you."
(Ghostly silence)
(Wet-sounding slap)
**********
"It's 10pm. It's Friday night. It's EVICTION NIGHT!!! Who will be the first to go? Lines are now closed, and I'm about to go live to the house to reveal who is the first person to be evicted from the Big Brother house!"
"Housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the first person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is…"
(Really hideously stupidly long pause, during which time everyone falls asleep)
"Hathor!"
Hathor's eyes flashed angrily as Daniel whooped. She glared at him, so he started crying and ran into the diary room.
"Hathor, you have two minutes to say your goodbyes and leave the house - I'm coming to get you!"
"Nobody will be 'getting' me!"
"Bye, Hathor!"
"Oh, f-BEEP off!"
"Hathor, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear!"
"10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…HATHOR, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. HATHOR, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE…"
"Join me after the break for an exclusive interview with the first person to be evicted from Big Brother Stargate - Hathor!"
TO BE CONTINUED…
