(On the plane ride to NYC)
JAI: Let's look at our itinerary. (Reading from clipboard) So first, you're gonna go furniture shopping with Thom. Then a U-Haul will transport all your new pieces back to Lancaster while you're still being made over with us.
JEBEDIAH: What is a U-Haul? And why are we going furniture shopping? Our wooden chairs and tables work fine. I thought we were just buying some new clothes for the horse and getting rid of my ear hair.
CARSON: Nope, you're getting the whole package! (Winks and smiles) Well, not that one. But, hello—you know we can't just drape a piece of fabric over your studly stallion! We must dress him from head to hoof in couture! (Places one hand on hip, the other on his forehead and nods no)
JEBEDIAH: Co—what?
CARSON: (Looks over at Jebediah, drops jaw in disgust, with an attitude) co-TOUR…stress on the 2nd syllable! Learn the word—you'll be hearing it a lot around here!
THOM: So anyway, we'll be heading to Crate & Barrel to pick up some funky furnishings & decorations for your abode. I was thinking kind of eccentric, maybe leaning toward retro. A lot more vivid colors and a lot less quilts!
JEBEDIAH: Well, I'm not very fond of bright colors, but I'm sure my daughters will enjoy it. I trust you men…just not too much pink or purple.
CARSON: You know what they say Jeb…it takes a real man to sport those colors!
(Jebediah rolls eyes and sighs)
KYAN: Then we'll go to Bliss [a salon/spa in NYC], where you'll be defuzzed, and also, you're gonna get an anti-aging facial!
JAI: (Giggles) The years of raising all those kids will be scrubbed, steamed, extracted, peeled, massaged, and moisturized off! Ah…then comes the most fun part of your makeover…we're going to go to Times Square and visit the Virgin Megastore & Toys R Us! Annie said that many of your children want to get an X-box or Playstation 2, and some of your daughters want some Barbies.
JEBEDIAH: Toys R Us? Oh no, not for my children. There are only allowed to play with certain toys and games that are educational and/or religious. And no Barbies! Amish girls are supposed to play with faceless dolls. No plastic stripper look-a-likes that are a foot tall. Plus, they don't have much free time because of chores, homework, & bible study.
JAI: Let's just go check it out. You'll thank me later.
THOM: (To Jebediah) Strange…you don't know what a U-Haul truck or couture is, but you do know what a stripper is…is Mary not satisfying you enough? (Laughing)
JEBEDIAH: (Sternly) There are 5 teenage boys living in my house.
TED: (Laughing at Thom & Jebediah's comments) Well, you're gonna work up a huge appetite, so we'll fuel up at the Park Avenue Café for lunch, then head over to Chef Central and buy you a set of fondue pots. We're gonna have a fondue station set up at the wedding. I guarantee you it'll be a big hit!
CARSON: (Unaware of what's being talked about) Oh yes…I think Chocolate is quite scrumptious…(realizes topic) wait, we're talking about fondue? I was thinking of that drag queen I hooked up with at Oprah's Halloween party I went to last year!
KYAN: Oh Carson, you bad, bad boy. (Pause) Was he hot?
CARSON: Totally! We got it on in her laundry room…(grins, looks upward)…I kind of wanted to do it in the boudoir instead, but hey, I'm one for experimenting! You know I hate wire hangers for clothes…but I finally found what they're actually made for. Let me tell ya, pumpkin…I sure got my "sugar fix" that night! (Clearing throat, changing subject) Well, finally, my friend, you'll go shopping avec moi at Bergdorf's! We're gonna buy some marvelous new clothes! And how can we forget shoes? We'll buy a few "nice" pairs for when you go to church and weddings and whatnot, and also some "not-so-nice" ones that you can wear out in the fields, instead of those ugly Timberlands. (Points down at Jebediah's feet, repulsed)
JEBEDIAH: (With a growing apprehension toward Carson) Yes, I'm sure we are going to have fun. Well, you five will, but probably not me. (Smiles) But I must admit that I'm eager to find out how I'm going to look after you all work your magic.
JAI: Oh, you're gonna look spectacular! Guys, let's all toast to our Jeb!
ALL: (Raise and click their wine glasses) To Jeb!
THOM: Ted, this is delicious. What is this? The spice notes are so crisp!
TED: It's an aged chardonnay. Isn't it delectable?
CARSON: Sure is! So how do you like the Jesus juice, Jeb?
JEBEDIAH: (Puzzled) Um, it's quite tasty. But isn't leisurely consuming alcohol considered a sin?
KYAN: Not in the gay bible.
CARSON: Yeah…where the first people ever created were Adam & Steve!
(They all laugh, then realize that they are about to land)
PILOT: (Over intercom) Fasten your seat beats in case we experience some turbulence!
TED: Rough & bumpy…just the way Chocolate likes it…huh, Carson?
CARSON: You better believe it!
(The jet lands on a helipad atop the building where their loft is located. They exit the plane, and run into the building)
JAI: Ok guys, it's off to bed now! We got a long day ahead of us tomorrow!
