Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 2

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day six in the Big Brother house. Jack is pouring jello into Martouf's mouth whilst he is asleep. Harry is shaving his armpits in the kitchen sink.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier.

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 2 ~

Copyright © 2003 Ruth

**********

"It's day six in the Big Brother house. Jack is pouring jello into Martouf's mouth whilst he is asleep. Harry is shaving his armpits in the kitchen."

"Oh, Maybourne! Why do you have to do that in the kitchen? It's BEEP-ing disgusting!"

"You like it really, major Carter."

(Throwing up noise)

"Sam has just run to the bathroom to be sick."

"I don't need you to BEEP-ing broadcast the BEEP-ing fact that I'm throwing up!"

"Big Brother would like to remind the housemates that your language must be moderated as it is only ten o'clock in the morning."

(Throwing up noise)

**********

"It's eleven o'clock in the Big Brother house. Sam has gone back to bed, and Harry is still trying to flush his armpit hairs down the sink. Janet has also entered, thrown up at the sight and gone back to her bed. Malcolm is with the two women."

"I can't believe what he was doing - uh, God…I feel ill…"

"Uh…me too. He's just so disgusting."

"Well, I didn't see, but it must have been bad to make the two of you heave."

"You have no idea."

"Harry has entered the bedroom."

"Uh…get out!"

"Oh, Sam…I think I'm gonna be sick again."

"Still looking for that threesome, eh, Malcolm?"

"Get the hell out of here, you sick t-BEEP!"

"Love the pyjamas, by the way - they match your eyes!"

"Get the f-BEEP out of our room (Throwing up noise)"

"Oh, for the love of…"

(Throwing up noise)

**********

"It's midnight. All of the housemates are up, and are having a drinking binge. Daniel is already over the limit, and Malcolm is not far behind him. They have decided to put on a show."

Anise smiled as Jack slowly lost control of his inhibitions, getting more and more pissed. She slyly handed him a glass of wine and smiled as he drank it all, shouting:
"This is good!"

"Yes, it is, Jack."

Malcolm made throwing up noises and giggled at Sam.

"That's dishgushting!"

Sam smiled weakly - she and Janet were still feeling drained from their throwing-up session after seeing Harry shave his armpits in the kitchen sink.

"Get any closer, and you'll take his eye out with one of them!" Harry smirked, taking another sip of larger.

Jack threw a cushion at him.

**********

"It's three a.m. Malcolm, Harry and Jack are still drinking."

"You're beautiful!" Jack drawled as he looked at Anise.

She smiled wickedly. "Yes…" she purred.

Sam and Janet went green again.

"Uh…Jack?" Sam asked.

"Oh…hey baby!" he grinned, rolling off of the couch and practically crawling over to her."

Malcolm suddenly fell in front of him, blocking his path to Sam.

"She's mine, fuckphase. Leave her the fhuck alohne!"

"Ooh! When did (hic) she become your (hic) gurl, Malcolm?"

"We're gohnna geht mahrried - have khids!"

Sam raised her eyebrows and looked at Janet. Janet smirked.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Want a fight about it, Malcolm?"

"Bring it on, fhucker!"

The two men got closer to each other, as if to begin a fight, but promptly fell asleep on the floor and had to be dragged back to their beds by Sam and Janet.

**********

"It's day seven in the Big Brother house. Malcolm and Jack are still sleeping off the effects of the previous night's alcohol. Harry is in the garden, talking to the chickens. Martouf is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."

"Hello Martouf."

"Hi."

"How do you feel about the goings-on in the house?"

"Well, I find them extremely immature - Jack in particular. All the time he barrages me with food produce that we could be consuming! Instead it is wasted!"

"Yes. Have you grown close to anyone in the house?"

He smiled. "Samantha and I were friends before we came into the house."

Suddenly, without warning, Jack burst into the diary room.

"HI!"

"Hello, Jack."

"What's he sayin' about my babe?"

Jack still swayed drunkenly on the spot.

Martouf's eyes flashed angrily.

"She is not yours - she is a free spirit! She belongs to no-one!"

"Yeah - (hic) including you, (hic) Marty!"

"Why must you always interfere with my life? I am no longer safe in the diary room!"

"Why did you think you were safe in the diary room to begin with, Martouf?"

"Well, Jack told me that they switched the cameras off…"

(Long Pause)

"YOU F-BEEP-ER!"

"Ya, (hic) sure, you (hic) betcha!"

(Thud)

Martouf put a hand to his head in despair.

"I am growing tired of this."

**********

"It's three o'clock in the afternoon. Janet and Anise are in the garden sunbathing. Malcolm and Daniel have been throwing up in the bathroom for the past three hours."

"So," said Anise, "You weren't even remotely attracted to Daniel when he was drunk last night?"

"No, he's my friend, and unlike you, I wouldn't even think about taking advantage of him."

"Why do you think I would take advantage of him?"

"Because you're a horny b-BEEP!"

Anise's eyes flashed angrily.

"At least I have had a man in the past week!"

Janet shuddered. "You mean - in this house? WHO?"

"That would be telling."

"Aw, come on, Anise! You gotta tell me!"

Anise smiled. "In the bathroom, for many hours."

"With who?"

"He is a man of power."

Oh, god…Janet thought.

"He has dark hair…"

Oh, please no…

"He works for the NID."

Maybourne - no. Malcolm - surely the man had more sense…

"You had sex with Malcolm?"

Anise smiled. "No."

Janet promptly turned green and threw up in the pool.

**********

"It's day eight in the Big Brother house. Jack and Martouf are having a fight with some runner beans."

"Colonel, I am really getting very fed up with all of this childish behaviour!"

"Well, leave then!"

"No!"

"What's stopping you?"

(Pause)

"Samantha…"

"Shut up!"

"Ah, Marty, we all know it's true. Still, she's more likely to go for a man like myself."

"Oh, really?" Janet asked, "That's why she and Malcolm are making out in the diary room!"

Jack's mouth dropped in horror and he ran into the diary room, where Janet promptly locked the door.

She sniggered and walked away from the door.

"Hey! What the f-BEEP? Janet! I am so gonna f-BEEP-ing kick your ass when I get out of here!"

**********

"It's eleven o'clock in the Big Brother house. Jack has been locked in the diary room for thirteen hours."

"Hello Jack."

"Hi."

"How do you feel about Janet locking you in the diary room?"

"I feel hurt - abused, betrayed, lost…"

"Oh, shut your f-BEEP ing whinging. We want entertainment, not snivelling! Say something interesting, for goodness' sake!"

(More snivelling)

**********

"It's day nine in the Big Brother house. The housemates are being asked to nominate two of their fellow housemates who will be put to the public vote and one of them will be evicted on Friday."

"Would Anise please come to the diary room? We would also ask that you throw Jack out and close the door behind you."

"Hello Big Brother."

"Anise, your first nomination?"

"Sam. She and Jack CAN NEVER BE TOGETHER!"

(Long Pause)

"And your second nomination?"

"Janet, because she called me a horny bitch on camera."

"Thank you Anise, could you send Daniel in please?"

**********

"Daniel, your first nomination?"

"Anise - she's going to get Jack drunk again and molest him, I'm sure of it."

(Long Pause)

"Your second nomination?"

"Harry - for his general lack of hygeine, really."

"Thank you, Daniel, could you send Harry in please?"

**********

"Harry, your first nomination?"

"Malcolm - I keep catching him with the girls and he just makes me sick - trying to get his pervy little threesome…"

"Your second nomination?"

"Martouf, because I think he's a whingey little twerp."

"Thank you Harry - could you send Jack in please?"

**********

All of the housemates except for Daniel, Jack and Teal'c have one vote each."

*********
"Jack, your first nomination?"

"Malcolm - he's younger and thinks he's more attractive than me. He's going to jump Sam, and I just can't allow it."

"Your second nomination?"

"Martouf - he's no fun any more!"

"Thank you Jack - could you send Janet in please?"

**********

"Janet, your first nomination?"

"Anise, because she's becoming a real danger to the men of this house. All of them."

"And your second nomination?"

"Harry - the armpit incident was just too much."

"Thank you Janet. Could you send Malcolm in please?"

**********

"Malcolm - your first nomination?"

"Harry - he's making me sick, never mind the women."

"And your second nomination?"

"Jack - he's just being totally rude and beats up poor Martouf for no reason whatsoever."

"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Martouf in please?"

**********

"Martouf - your first nomination?"

"Jack. He is being constantly rude and vulgar towards me, as well as the recurrent incidents with food."

"Your second nomination?"

"Harry. As I said before - he's from the NID and I don't trust him."

"Thank you Martouf - could you send Sam in please?"

**********

"Sam - your first nomination?"

"Anise - she was all over Jack the other night - I don't want to see her trying to seduce him again, it nearly made me throw up."

"Your second nomination?"

"Harry - he really needs to kick the armpit thing."

"Thank you, Sam. Could you send Teal'c in please?"

**********

"Teal'c, your first nomination?"

"I still don't understand…"

"Big Brother does not give a crap, Teal'c, your FIRST NOMINATION?"

"Anise. Her futile attempt to seduce colonel O'Neill into an act of passion the other night was unwatchable."

"Your second nomination?"

"Martouf has become extremely aggrivating. He is no longer enjoying himself - I believe he would rather return home."

"Thank you, Teal'c."

**********

"The votes have been counted. I can now reveal that the three housemates up for nomination are…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"In alphabetical order…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"Anise…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"Harry…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"And…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"Martouf."

**********

"It's day ten in the Big Brother house. Either Anise, Harry or Martouf will be leaving the house in two days. Martouf is still in bed - Anise is once more trying to seduce Jack, and Harry is talking to the chickens again."

"Hello."

(Cluck)

"I'm Harry - do you have names?"

(Cluck)

"I know! I'll count you! Let's see…one…two…three……dammit, what comes after three?"

(Mocking cluck)

"I'll call you Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon. How about that, huh?"

(Horrified clucking noises)

**********

"It's four o'clock. Harry is still talking to Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon. Sam and Janet are in the kitchen. Janet is clearing up after Sam's failed attempt at making dinner."

"I'm such a rubbish cook - it didn't say in the book that you had to boil them for twenty minutes instead of two!"

"It doesn't matter - we'll just have something else!"

Harry walked past and sniggered. Sam picked up the not-so mashed potato and threw it at him, pleased to see how it ran down his face in big, thick globs.

**********

"It's nine o'clock. Harry is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."

"Hello Harry."

"Hi."

"How do you feel about being up for nomination this week?"

"Personally? I don't give a f-BEEP!"

"Why is this?"

(Shrug)

"Why did you come on Big Brother in the first place?"

(Shrug)

"You must have some idea."

"I was bored."

(Long, agitated silence)

"Thank you, Harry."

**********

"It's day eleven in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night. Jack has poured golden syrup in Martouf's bed."

(Long, high-pitched wailing sound)

**********

"It's Friday night! It's 8:30! IT'S THE BIG BROTHER EVICTION!!"

"Housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear."

"BEEP."

"I can now reveal that the second person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is…"

(Stupidly horrifying long pause in which everyone forgets what they were doing watching this anyway)

"Martouf."

Martouf smiled as his name was read out - he was going home!

"Martouf, you have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes - I'm coming to get you!"

Martouf quickly hugged Janet, spent a little longer hugging Sam (to piss Jack off) and shook hands with Malcolm and Daniel. By then it was time for him to go.

"Five…four…three…two…one…MARTOUF, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. MARTOUF, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE…"

"Join me after the break for the interview with Stargate Big Brother's second evictee - Martouf!"

TO BE CONTINUED…