Title: Big Brother Stargate – Martouf's Interview

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: Martouf on life in the Big Brother house, food fights with Jack, Anise's flirting and why Teal'c will win.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier.

~ Big Brother Stargate – Martouf's Interview ~

By Ruth

'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright © 2003 Ruth

**********

"Welcome back. I'm here with the second week's evictee – MARTOUF!"

(Mad cheering and whooping from the crowd)

"So…Martouf…how did you find your two weeks in the Big Brother house?"

"I found them extremely stressful and tiring. It is not an experience that I would like to repeat."

"And why is that?"

"Did you not see the way I was constantly being attacked with foodstuffs by Jack? Mocked by Harry? Taken…"

"Yeah, sure Martouf. Who did you get on well with in the house?"

"Samantha and Janet. Malcolm and Daniel were also good to me."

"And who did you not get on with?"

"Jack and Harry. Jack in particular, as I'm sure you have observed. I do not understand why he was attacking me with your edible produce for every morning of the fortnight! It near drove me to distraction…"

"N…"

"Quiet! I have not finished! Lantesh feels the same. He is incised that Jack was tormenting us for every minute of every day…" (sob)

"Let's change the subject. Why did you get on so well with Sam?"

Martouf allowed a dreamy smile to pass over his lips.

"She was once host to our mate, Jolinar. She was beautiful…"

"Big Brother has not observed this, Martouf, but whatever turns you on!"

"I am not an appliance."

"I know that. What was your favourite moment in the house?"

Martouf smiled. "When Janet locked Jack in the diary room. She is a very intelligent woman."

"And why did you enjoy this so much?"

"Because Jack was locked in a room so small that his ego would not fit into it."

(Booing from audience)

"Silence!"

"Changing the subject again….who do you think will win Big Brother?"

"Samantha…"

"No, Martouf, who do you think will win Big Brother, not who would you like to win Big Brother!"

"Samantha…"

"Martouf?"

"Samantha…"

"Oh, jeez. MARTY!"

(Slapping sound)

"Samantha…"

"Well, here are your best moments, Martouf!"

(Cry Baby by Jemini plays, accompanied by all of the clips of Jack and Martouf fighting, as well as some lost-puppy eyes and cute smiles.)

"Martouf, everybody!"

(CHEERING)

"Join us next time for the third week of Stargate Big Brother! Goodnight, everybody!"

(CHEERING)

**********

Next time:

"It's day fifteen in the Big Brother house. Jack has been locked in the chicken house for three hours."

"I am sooooooo gonna kick your ass, Daniel!"