DISCLAIMER:Don't own, so don't sue!

*The helicopter lifts gracefully off Winston's perfectly manicured lawn with ease. Lara's mobile begins to ring.*

Lara: Croft, Lara speaking!

Caller: ................(I couldn't actually hear what was being said, as I was sitting a couple of seats away from Lara, well.......one side of the conversation I can relate back to you - thats all! )

Lara: Hmmmm, you sure about this?

Caller: ..................

Lara: Yes...agreed. Thanks for the information!

*A few moments of utter silence goes by... well as much silence as one can experience in a helicopter.*

TTL: So???

LM: A needle pulling thread??

TTL: For gawd's sake LM! Can't you act your age just this once dear?

LM: ooooooooeeeeeeeee touchy, touchy!!

*TTL shoots LM a look that even Medusa would have been proud of.*

Lara: Girls, girls please! Bickering and bitching are not qualities particularly useful to a Crofteer. Listen up everyone! Below your seats you will find spacesuits. I might suggest that it would be to your advantage to get into these garments ASAP. Lude, get your arse to the front of the cabin and demonstrate how to get those babies on! Quick, smart girl!!

*Lude staggers, excuse me, WALKS GRACEFULLY, to the front of the cabin carrying her blister-packed spacesuit! She attempts to separate said suit, from said pack, without much success. After a good ten minutes of rolling around on the cabin floor wrestling the hell of the suit......................*

Lude: Thats IT!!!!!

Lude: Bloody thing!!!

Lude: How the hell???

Lude: Jezzzzzzzus Christ all bloody mighty!!!!

*TTL rescues her sister from the difficulties, fastens her into her seat, applies a beer drip - (morphine drips aren't good at altitude) - and sings softly to Lude.......*

TTL: All around the Mulberry Bush the monkey chased the weasel, the monkey said its only in fuuuuuuuuun - POP goes the weasel!!!!!

*Everyone looks round at each other...............Kitty searches under her seat and comes up with a spacesuit, which within minutes she is wearing. This seems to jolt everyone into action, and within another few minutes everyone, including Lara, is suitably attired! Lara begins to press a few buttons, adjust a few switches, there is a shuddering from beneath the helicopter, as the metamorphisis takes place. The helicopter is transformed into a space shuttle. With a final press of a button.........warp 7 is achieved and Lara, The Crofteers, and the HMS Raider leave the earth's atmosphere.*

Lara: To infinity and beyond..............to coin a phrase.

*Lara winks at Donny, who is stroking his gun cache! *

Lude: WeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOooooooooooooooWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

DK: I feel sick!

DOX: Does anyone know where we are going?

Lara: Milly Monka and Mole Factory, of course.

LM: I thought it was in Grimsby?

Lara: Apparently the factory in Grimsby is just a front, something to do with the taxman... The real factory is in space.

TRC: Interesting. And how do you know this, Lara?

Lara: Aha, an adventurer NEVER reveals her sources!

*Lude begins to hear spacey music in her head*

Lude: Space... the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship HSM Raider, on it's continuing mission to seek out lost moles...

TRC: So where exactly is it then??

Lude: *now switching to Star Wars mode* It's on Alderaan!

TTL: No Lude dear, remember, Alderaan was blown up by the Death Star.

Lude: Oh yes, it was like a million voices cried out in pain and were then suddenly silenced... *suddenly getting very excited* I hope it's on Endor, such a nice place!!

Lara: It's on Jupiter.

DOX: Isn't it cold there? *shivers*

Kitty: Actually that's a myth. The planet radiates twice as much heat as it absorbs from the sun. It also has an extremely strong magnetic field.

TRC: Wow, Kitty! I didn't know you were a space cat!

Kitty: *proudly* Of course!

*Meanwhile Lude is struggling to open a packet of peanuts. After about 10 minutes DK can't stand it any longer and grabs the bag, ripping it open and spilling peanuts all over the cabin.*

Lude: The force is strong with you, but you must learn to control your feelings, hatred... aggression... the dark side are these.

DK: Why don't-

Lude: No, no there is no why, no more will you learn today!

Lara: Ok, we are here!

LM: That was quick!

DOX: I didn't even see Mars.

*Meanwhile on the planet's surface*

Unknown Person: Where is that shuttle heading?

Unknown minion: To the factory...

Unknown Person: Do they have a clearance code?

Unknown minion: Yes, it's an old code but it checks out. I was just about to clear them.

Unknown Person: Allow them to land. Have a team monitor them and inform me of anything strange.

Unknown minion: Yes, sir!

*Back on board*

Unknown Voice: Shuttle HSM Raider, you are cleared for landing on the south platform.

TRC: How did you-?!

Lara: Aha!

All: Yes, we know... an adventure never reveals her sources.

TTL: I sense a presence I haven't felt since- Lude, I shouldn't have come, I'm endangering the mission!

Lude: Nonsense, you just need a cup of tea, that's all.

*HMS Raider lands and the group debark through a tunnel and enter a large domed station.*

Loud speaker: *man's voice* 'The red zone is for stopping only. The white zone is for short term parking.'

Loud speaker: *woman's voice* 'The WHITE zone is for stopping only. The RED zone is for short term parking'

Loud speaker: *man's voice* 'No, the RED zone is for stopping only. the WHITE zone is for short term parking!'

Loud speaker: *woman's voice* 'Not this again, do we have to argue about everything?!'

Loud speaker: *man's voice* 'Well if you would stop leaving the toilet seat up, maybe things would be better!'

*The gang leave the station, after Kitty has stopped to buy ice cream. They continue through a secession of tunnels and doors, Lude makes a 'SHUSH' sound every time they pass through a door, eventually they approach the huge entrance gates of the factory and are greeted by a burley ticket man in a brown uniform and mole shaped hat.*

Lara: *to the Crofteers* I'll handle this!

Ticketman: *with a grin* Morning folks, and welcome to Milly Monka's Mole Factory, where fun is to be had by all, all year round, we hope you enjoy your stay, please stay away from areas where it's says you shouldn't be and pay attention to the safety rules at all times, we want you to enjoy your stay and come back to us soon not end up mashed to bits in the many large and fascinating machinery we have in the factory and flashed out into space with no word of what happened to you to your families, Milly Monka would like to take this opportunity to advise you he is not responsible for any limbs you may lose whilst inside the factory or any abduction or disintegration by alien species...

Lara: Erm...morning?

Ticketman: Are you the party of outpatients from the Mental Health Clinic?

Lara: *offended* NO!

Ticketman: Oh sorry, can I see your tickets then please

*Lara hands ticket over*

Ticketman: *looking at the ticket and then at the group* This is your ticket?

Lude: *blurting out* Actually it's mine, she stole it from me!

Ticketman: This ticket is 2 years old!

Lude: What! *snatching back and examining it* Damn it and I swapped it for my magic beans!

TTL: *matter of fact* I told you never to trust anyone who doesn't have a face!

Lude: But he had a puppy...

TTL: Oh well can't argue with that.

Ticketman: And all of you were planning to get in on this one ticket?

Lude: Well you see, Lara is my legal guardian so she has to come with me, TTL is my interrupter amongst other things, LM administers my medication, DK is my inspiration is the dark hours and he has donuts, Kitty is-

Ticketman: What funny names you all have!

TTL: Look who's talking! *reading name badge* John!

Lude: Yeah John!

LM: Yeah what kind of a name is John anyway?

DK: Look I'm sure we can settle this like sensible mature adults isn't that right, Mr Poopy Pants!

DOX: Alright, alright listen my good man, this can either work two ways, either you can let us in, or I can get TRC here to punch you and knock you unconscious and we go in anyway.

*TRC blows on fist and rubs it against chest*

LM: The choice is yours

*Lude starts making cheesy show game music and going a game show girl thing round TRC*

Kitty: *joining in, in game show host voice* So which will it be, will you choose a delightful punch in the face by the very lovely TRC, shown here by one of our show girls *Lude does actions* Or will he choose today's wild card and take the chance of letting us in? *Lude makes ticking noise* Oooo time is running out *Lude makes gong noise* That's it, time's up, whats it gonna be? *Holding fake mic towards the Ticketman for an answer*

Ticketman: Are you guys sure you're not from the Mental Health Clinic?

Lara: Noooooooooooyyyyyyyeeeeees, Yes! Yes we are *thinking quickly and whispering to John the ticketman* I don't like to say that in front of them, they think they are normal you see

John: Ah I see, so you must be... *looking at clipboard* Nurse Fiddlewick?

ALL: BHAHAHHAHAAAHHA!!! *pointing and laughing at Lara*

Lara: Oh please not the thing about my name…again!

John: OK, well here are your information packs, please make yourself aware of the safety procedures, *hands a pack to each of the Crofteers and stamps the back of their hand with Milly Monka's Mole Factory admitted stamp* Please make your way down the path and to the right where you will meet with your guide.

TTL: Oooo a guide, what does he look like?

John: Ohh erm well he has a moustache, about 6 foot 3...

Lude: Wow that's an awfully big moustache!

DK: Do you make donuts here?

John: We make- *spotting Donny* Sorry son, no guns allowed inside the factory.

Lara: Oh don't worry about that, they are not real, *whispering* you take can't them off him, he thinks he is still in the war you see.

John: Ahhh over Macho Grande?

TTL: Noooo... don't think I'll ever be over Macho Grande!

TTL & Lude: BWHAHAHAHAH !!

John: Riiiight *making mental sign to Lara who nods*

DK: Do you make donuts here?

*Lude is now emptying the contents of her Milly Monka's Mole Factory information pack out*

Lude: Is there any food in here?

John: No

Lude: Is there any beer in here?

John: No

Lara: *to John* Have those bags got warnings on them about not sticking them over your head?

John: Erm I don't think so...

Lara: *Snatching bag off of Lude* I'll take that, thank you, we don't need another episode of you suffocating yourself again

John then stamps TRC's hand with the Milly Monka and Mole Factory admitted stamp, who in avertedly faster then lighting punches him square in the jaw, knocking him flat.

All:OW.

TRC: Oops sorry, reflex action.

Lara: *shrugs* Works for me!

*The Crofteers proceed into the Factory.*

*They look around in awe at the splendid factory atrium.*

Lude: Wow....look! A broom with no bristles but green things. I wonder if I can eat those?!

TTL: What do I tell you every time? That's a TREE, Lude.

Lude: Treelude...is that like the third part of a trilogy?

Lara: I've always heard the rumors of the magnificence of this factory! I never thought they were true though.

*Overhead the famous moley mole mole birds fly.*

Lude: Flying food!

Lara: The Moley Mole Mole Birds...Milly Monka must be close by.

Unknown man: Actually Sir Monka is away on business this week. He's in the Pocconos.

Lude: No you can't poke my nose! That's not nice! Get over here! Yeah! How do you like them donuts?!? Lude.....just being Lude thinks she's kicking the unknown man, but is actually attacking a tree Yeah! Take that! You treeludish looking man! Ah ha!

DK: Did someone say donuts?

Lara: And just who might you be?

Unknown man: Oh, yes how could I forget. My name is John II. I'm your tour guide. And you are...?

Lara: I am Lara Croft, and these are my frien......psychopaths.

John II: Well nice to meet you John III.

DK: Well that's a weird way to say Lara.

John II: Are you doubting me John IV?

TTL: *under breath* This man is crazier than Lude!

Lude: *with her superhearing* NO!! No one is crazier than be I!

Lara: Well then, John II, putting this whole issue of how complex our names are, where are you going to take us?

John II: Excellent question, John III. I'm taking you all on a tour of course.

TTL: Right, he's a tour guide in all....

John II: I don't like your sarcasm John V. Your insolence requires that you are now called Bob.

Lude: No! I want to be Bob!

John II: Alright, you can be Bobert.

Lude: What the hell kind of name is THAT? I'm no redneck!!

Lara: We are getting nowhere fast...

TTL: I heartily agree.

DK: *cough*Suck up!*cough cough*

Lara: Has anyone else noticed that our guide has started to leave without us?

John II: Hurry up you lot! Or you're going to miss the mating rituals of the Gimpy Limpies.

Lude: Gimpy Limpy? Hey DK isn't that your nickna...

DK: Lude, shut up now or so help me....

*The Crofteers all pile onto the boat to take them down the Magical Moley River to the village of the Gimpy Limpies.*

TTL: tripping and falling down Hey! Wait for me!!

*Just then a Moley Mole Mole Bird swoops down and grabs TTL by her hair and takes off flying again.*

TTL: LUDE!!!! Save me!!!!

Lude: Just call me Bobert!

TTL: Oh for the love of....Bobert!! Save me!!!

*Will Bobert be able to save Bob from the Moley Mole Mole Bird? Why is DK called the Gimpy Limpy? Why does the tour guide insist on calling everyone John? What has become of Aqua? Has Richard Simmons killed him and rolled him up in a rug? Find out all this and more on the next issue of The Quest for the Mole! *







*Donny quickly runs of behind a machine and takes out the sniper rifle.*

(Talking to himself)

Donny: Now, let's get TTL down!

*Donny aims for the inside of the left leg of the Moley Mole Mole Bird to somewhat hide the bullet wound.*

Donny: Got a clean shot!

Lara: Donny! What the HELL do you think you're doing?

Donny: Saving TTL...

Lara: By shooting the Moley Mole Mole Bird?

Donny: Whatever it takes!

Lara: I thought it was suspicious when I saw you sneaking out!

Donny: Did any of the guards see me?

Lara: Don't think so...

Donny: Good, 'cause we don't want the guards to know these guns are real!

Lara: Oh they won't know, cuz you ain't gonna shoot!

Donny: Aww c'mon Lara! Do you know a better way of getting TTL down?

Lara: Well, don't you have any tranquilisers in there?

Donny: Forgot to pack them....

Lara: Urgh! You bring a whip, but you forget tranquilisers!

Donny: You know Lara, this sure brings back memories, hiding like this.... *winks at lara*

Lara: Do that again and you'll be ogling me though one eye!

Donny: Aww, don't say you forgot the time when-

*Lara punches him in the eye*

Lara: I warned you not to go there!

Donny: Ok, ok! Now let me shoot the bird!

Lara: Well, don't see any other way...

Donny: YESSSS!

*Donny gets ready to fire, he aims for the bird and shoots... BANG!*

Lara: Donny!!! You IDIOT!

Donny: Damn, forgot to put the silencer on the sniper rifle!

*The rest of the Crofteers come running towards Lara and Donny to see what happened...*

Kitty: *slightly out of breath due to excessive amounts of ice cream making her a bit soggy around the mid section* I heard gun fire!! Where's the action?? Any casualties??

Lara: Nope... Just Donny going all Neo on us.

Kitty: Ooooo!! Can I go all Trinity on ya?? Huh?? Can I??

All: NO!!

*Kitty pouts*

TTL: So where do we go to find this mole, people? I saw some offices down the hall before the shots went off and ruined our recon. The lights were off, though.

TRChick: Yeah! Offices are always filled with secret stuff, right? Quite possibly a computer too, so we can hack into the mainframe and pull the files on all the moles here!

LM: Yeah! A task worthy of the Crofteers, methinks. We can use the ventilation shaft to break in and avoid detection..

Lude: I could swear I smelled some donuts on the way in..

TTL: Great, sis! You create a diversion. We'll send Kitty into the ventilation systems.

Kitty: Me?? Why me??

TTL: You're the one with the feline genes in the group.. You should be able to make it through there in no time!

Kitty: *looking a little sceptical as she examines the route* Hmmm.... It just might work.. But I'll need someone on the outside to guide me through the computer system.

LM: DK'll do it! He's good with puters.

Lara: That settles it, then! We let the cat out of the bag and into the ventilation ducts!

*Kitty gets the night vision goggles and rope out, ready for action. The Crofteers find an entrance to the shafts not far from the offices. They open the grate, and the podgy feline slinks into the shadows. The grate gets closed behind her, to cover their tracks*

LM: Don't worry, we've got ya on the radio.. I'll be on Channel 4..

Kitty: *mutters* There is no spoon.. *and lowers herself into the office room below*

*Outside, the rest of the crofteers wait patiently for Kitty to get back as a shadow creeps up from behind them..*

Unknown character with booming voice: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, THEN???