Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 3

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day thirteen in the Big Brother house. Jack has been locked in the chicken house for three hours.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier.

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 3 ~

Copyright © 2003 Ruth

**********

"It's day thirteen in the Big Brother house. Jack has been locked in the chicken house for three hours."

"Daniel! I am SO gonna kick your ass!"

**********

"So…Daniel…how did you come to lock Jack in the chicken house?" Sam asked.

"Well, It all began at about six-thirty in the morning. I was asleep, so I didn't realise that Jack had snuck in and stolen my glasses."

"Aww - you can't see a thing without them!" said Janet sympathetically.

"I know. Anyway, Jack didn't realise that I'd woken up, so he went out into the kitchen and I followed him. He started putting jam on them."

"Why?" Sam asked.

"I don't know. I guess it's because they would stick to my head when I woke up, or something. Anyway, he was putting jam on them when I accidently tripped on a bottle of bacardi that Harry had left on the floor after last night, which made Jack jump. Luckily, he didn't see me, but he took my jammy glasses and ran outside."

"Then what happened?"

"I followed him. He started putting them in the chicken house, so I…well…"

"What did you do, Daniel?"

"I…er…jumped on him, pulled my glasses off of him and…er…well…I accidently shoved him in the chicken house and…er…well…the, well…the lock sort of shut and then I…sort of…walked off."

Janet and Sam whooped.

"What about the chickens?" Janet asked.

"They were all outside of the house when I shut him in it. At least Harry won't be able to get on at me."

"Well, that's something. When are you gonna let Jack out?"

"When the mood takes me."

"And…when is the mood likely to take you Daniel?"

"Um…well…I'm not sure entirely, it partly depends on the weather…"

**********

It's ten o'clock in the Big Brother house. Jack has now been locked in the chicken house for thirteen hours, and Daniel is showing no signs of releasing him."

"Would Daniel please go to the diary room?"

"Hello Big Brother."

"Hello Daniel. Why do you feel it necessary to keep Jack locked in the chicken house for so long?"

"I figured it would stop him from annoying people as well as me, and he's always annoying people."

"Don't you think that the chickens might get a bit annoyed, Daniel?"

(Long Pause)

"They're chickens, big brother."

"They aren't just ANY CHICKENS! They're the Big Brother chickens!"

"Jeez, sorry! I didn't think you were so…passionate about your animals…"

"That's one strike! Two more and you're out!"

"WHAT?"

"Big Brother awards Daniel one strike for mocking the Big Brother chickens. Two more and he's out."

"WHAT? THIS SHOW IS SO F***ING STUPID! WHY THE F**K DOES IT MATTER ABOUT…"

"Daniel, we are close to awarding you another strike. I would advise you to leave the diary room and do not return until you have made the chickens a written apology."

(Large Expletive lasting approximately 5 minutes)

**********

"It's day fourteen in the Big Brother house. After 24 hours, Jack has been released from the chicken house and Daniel is writing them a written apology."

"This is stupid - I am writing a letter of apology to three chickens!"

Janet nodded sympathetically, but Harry was mad.

"How could you evict the chickens from their own home? You're a monster, Daniel Jackson!" he shrieked, and ran into the bedroom.

**********

"It's three o'clock. Jack is crying, and has locked himself in the diary room. Sam is trying to get him to let her inside."

"Jack! Jack, it's me, Sam. Please let me in."

(Sob) "No!"

"Why not? Jack, I want to help you."

"You'll LOCK ME in the CHICKEN house again!"

"No, Jack, I won't lock you in the chicken house. Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon are in there now - and I'm sure they don't blame you at all for what's happened."

"Leave me alone!"

"Jack, please, open the door for me. I don't like the thought of you being in there all on your own."

Harry snorted a handful of cheese and onion crisps out of his nose and into Malcolm's lap. Malcolm shrieked in disgust and ran outside, throwing himself in the pool to cleanse himself of Harry's cheese and onion snot.

**********

"It's ten o'clock. Jack has finally let Sam into the diary room, and she is talking to Big Brother with Jack."

"Hello Jack, hello Sam."

"Hi!"

(Sniff)

"Sam, how do you feel about Daniel locking Jack in the chicken house?"

"I…well…"

"It was m…m…mean!" Jack cried, dissolving into a crying heap on Sam's lap with such momentum that she fell off of the diary room chair and onto the floor.

"Agghhh! Now I'm hurting everybody!" Jack wailed in distress, and promptly started crying again.

Sam pulled herself up off of the floor and hugged Jack again.

"See - I'm fine, Jack. Come on, let's get you into bed with some milkshake."

"C…can I have chocolate?"

"Of course you can."

**********

"It's day fifteen in the Big Brother house. Jack drunk a total of 23 chocolate milkshakes last night, and has now vomited them back up on Sam's bed."

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JJJJAAAACCCCKKKKKK!"

**********

"Even though it is only eleven o'clock in the morning, Sam is drinking. A lot."

Sam grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels and swigged from it, ignoring the burning pain that slid down her gullet.

"Must…drink…more…liquor…"

Janet entered the room and saw the state of her friend.

"Sam, come on honey, this isn't the way to get through this…."

"Must…drink…more…liquor……..must…stay…sane!"

"Oh, who the hell am I kidding?" Janet asked, pulling the bottle off of her friend and taking a large gulp from it.

"To women!" Sam hiccuped, proposing a toast with her fist.

"With the patience of saints!"

**********

"It's three o'clock. Sam and Janet are asleep in the garden on bean bags after getting totally wrecked. Anise is in the pool, trying to seduce Jack."

Jack quickly put a straw in Harry's mouth and began to pour chocolate milkshake into his mouth.

"Cough - what the h-hell are you doing Jack?" Harry spluttered.

"I can't drink any more, so you're going to have to."

"Get lost!"

**********

"It's ten o'clock. Sam and Janet are being sick in the bathroom after their overdose on Jack Daniels. Harry seems to think that this is incredibly funny."

"Would Harry please come to the diary room?"

"Hello Big Brother."

"Hello Harry. Why do you think its funny that Sam and Janet are throwing up in the bathroom?"

"Well, the two of them are normally like "Oh, no, I'm a good little girl, I don't drink alcohol" but here they are, totally wrecked and unable to handle it."

"Why do you think they got so drunk, Harry?"

"Jack. Why else does anybody get drunk around here?"

**********

"It's day sixteen in the Big Brother house. Again, we are asking the housemates to nominate two of their fellow housemates for eviction on Friday."

"Would Anise please come to the diary room?"

"Anise, your first nomination?"

"Daniel. I think that his locking up of Jack in the chicken house was extremely cruel."

"And your second nomination?"

"Sam. She is competition where Jack is concerned."

"Anise, you are aware that you have voted for Sam three times in the past three weeks with this exact same reason?"

"Yes, I'm aware, dammit!"

"Thank you. Could you send Daniel in please?"

**********

"Daniel, your first nomination?"

"Harry. He sneezed cheese and onion crisps onto Malcolm which was just sooooo gross!"

"Your second nomination?"

"Anise. She's being so lovey-dovey with Jack when it's blatantly obvious that he fancies Sam!"

"Thank you Daniel. Could you send Harry in please?"

**********

"Harry, your first nomination?"

"Daniel. His locking up of Jack in the chicken house was exceedingly cruel AND it has hurt Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon beyond repair! Surely this monster must be evicted!"

"And your second nomination?"

"Jack. He didn't need to cry so much, I mean, for pete's sake it's a chicken house, and he was really annoying me when he was whinging to Sam about chocolate milkshakes."

"Thank you Harry. Could you send Jack in please?"

**********

"Jack, your first nomination?"

"Daniel. He locked me in the chicken house."

"And your second nomination?"

"Can I vote Daniel again?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeaaaassseeee…."

"NO GODAMMIT! Your second nomination?"

"Sam - she could have let me out!"

"Sam. Are you sure you want to vote Sam?"

"Yes."

"Oookay. (Makes note to stir things up ASAP!)

Could you send Janet in please?"

**********

"Janet, your first nomination?"

"Sorry to be boring, but Anise again. She's getting closer to Jack and sucking him in…I can see date rape here…"

"Your second nomination?"

"Harry. He's being totally disgusting and he winds Jack up when he's up the wall anyway."

"Thank you Janet. Could you send Malcolm in please?"

**********

"Malcolm, your first nomination?"

"Harry, for the cheese and onion crisp incident."

"And your second nomination?"

"Jack - he threw up on Sam's bed and that made her get really drunk and sad…"

"Thank you Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"

**********

"Hello Sam. Are you feeling any better?"

(Slurred) "N - o."

"Could we have your nominations before you puke on the diary room chair please?"

(Slurred) "Ha - rry and Anis - e."

"Thank you Sam. Now, piss off out of the diary room before you throw up, and send Teal'c in."

**********

"Hello Teal'c. You've been very quiet - is this a strategy to win, or are you just bored?"

"My first nomination is Anise."

"Why?"

"I do not know. As you stated, I am bored."

"Your second nomination?"

"I am afraid that I must vote Daniel Jackson, for his punishment of Jack did not really fit the crime."

"Thank you Teal'c."

**********

"We can now reveal that the three housemates up for eviction on Friday are…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"In alphabetical order…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"Anise…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"Daniel…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"And…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"Harry."

**********

"It's day seventeen in the Big Brother house. Because we're evil bastards, we're going to tell a still very hung-over Sam that Jack nominated her and watch the result."

"Would Sam please come to the diary room."

"H-ello Big-Brother."

"Hello Sam. Are you feeling any better?"

"Sorrta…"

"Well, not for long! Sam, did you know that Jack nominated you?"

"WHAT? THAT F***ING B*****D!"

**********

"JACK! WHERE THE F*** IS JACK? JANET, TELL ME WHERE HE IS!!"

"Sam, are you okay?"

"YOU F***ING B*****D! YOU NOMINATED ME! WHY, JACK, WHY? YOU F***ER!"

"How do you know…I mean…what? Sammie, I didn't nominate you…"

"DON'T CALL ME SAMMIE YOU F***ING B*****D! LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!"

**********

"It's day eighteen in the Big Brother house. We have successfully stirred the Sam/Jack nominating incident and now we're still making Daniel apologise to the chickens, even though he may be evicted tomorrow. We just don't care any more."

"This is so stupid."

"Would Daniel please present his letter of apology to the chickens."

"Yes, I'm going."

Daniel placed the piece of paper on the ground outside the chicken house.

"Would Daniel please read his letter of apology to the chickens ALOUD?"

"WHAT?"

"Would you like a second strike, Daniel?"

"Agh! Okay, here we go.

Dear Chickens. I'm sorry I shut Jack in your house and I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. All the best, Daniel Jackson."

"Because you did not use their full names, Daniel, big brother is going to have to ask you to re-write the letter and then read it out again."

"F**K OFF! AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!"

**********

"It's Friday night! It's eviction night! Which of the three housemates Anise, Daniel or Harry will go? I'm now going live to the Big Brother house to give the result."

"Housemates, you are now live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the third person to be evicted from the big brother house is…"

(Stupidly long pause in which everyone goes out to make a cup of tea and still gets back before the evictee has been announced)

"…ANISE!"

"Anise, you have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes and leave the house - I'm coming to get you!"

"Oh, okay then Anise. Bye - fuck off then!"

"What?"

"What, you think I actually liked you?"

"Aagghh!"

"THREE…TWO…ONE…ANISE, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. ANISE, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."

"And Anise is out! Join me after the break for an interview with week 3's evictee from Stargate Big Brother - ANISE!"

TO BE CONTINUED…