Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 4

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day twenty in the Big Brother house. Last night, Jack sleepwalked into the kitchen and ate EVERYTHING.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier.

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 4 ~

Copyright © 2003 Ruth (and brother for this week only!)

**********

"It's day twenty in the Big Brother house. Last night, Jack sleepwalked into the kitchen and ate EVERYTHING."

Sam went into the kitchen to get a glass of milk and heard a loud belch.

"Hello?"

She saw Jack lying on the floor, about five times as fat as he was yesterday.

"Jack…please don't tell me you've done what I think you've done…"

"BBBBBEEEEEELLLLLLCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!"

"Jack! Jack, you didn't eat all of the food!"

Sam rushed to the fridge and opened the door, only to find that it came off in her hand. Inside, there was nothing but smeared food and crumbs.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**********

"Janet! Janet, Jack's eaten all of the f**king food!"

"WHAT?"

"Everything - there's no food left!"

"What?"

"I'm afraid there's no food left, Malcolm."

"Oh, jeez!"

"Daniel? Daniel, wake up. We've got a bit of a problem."

**********

"Jack has locked himself in the diary room to prevent his fellow housemates from slaughtering him."

"Hello Jack."

"Hello Big Brother."

"Why did you eat all of the food?"

"I was sleepwalking - and I was hungry, for crying out loud!"

"You do know that the other housemates are extremely annoyed, don't you?"

"Yep."

"And that they won't have any food for another four days?"

"Yep. Well, Sam and Janet keep moaning that they want to lose weight…"

**********

"Oh, what are we going to do?" Janet asked, sitting down next to Sam on the couch.

"We're going to go hungry, Janet."

"I believe not, Major Carter. There is one source of food that you are all overlooking."

"Which is?"

"The birds that you call chickens."

"NNNNNOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed, "You can't kill Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon!"

"It would have been easier if you hadn't given them fricking names!" Malcolm replied.

"Shut up, you twat! If anyone wants to kill the chickens they'll have to kill me first!"

Daniel paused for a moment, and then replied, "I think we can do that."

"AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"

**********

"It's twelve o'clock. Harry has locked himself in the chicken house with Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon in an attempt to protect them. Jack is still locked in the diary room, and the remaining five housemates are beginning to suffer ill effects from their starvation."

"Oh…god…I need TO EAT SOMETHING!" Malcolm screamed, squeezing one of the cushions so tightly that it ripped open and showered him with feathers, which he promptly ate.

"Malcolm - stop eating the feathers!" Sam tried to persuade him.

"We've only been without food for a couple of hours - we have to last until Friday!" Daniel wailed, biting his fingernails.

"Please god, Daniel, do not eat them," Janet begged.

**********

"It's day twenty-one in the Big Brother house. Jack has now locked himself in the bathroom, but the other housemates still have no food. Harry is still locked in the chicken house."

Sam and Janet laid on the couch doing nothing.

Daniel and Teal'c were frantically searching for any kind of food in the kitchen, but to no avail.

**********

"You cannot eat mould, Daniel Jackson, do not be stupid."

**********

Malcolm thrashed about on the couch, unable to do anything. It was then that Jack made the mistake of leaving the bathroom.

"AAGGHHH! Why did you eat all of our food?" Malcolm screamed.

"I was asleep!" Jack shouted, "Pull yourself together!"

Sam wouldn't look him in the eye, still smarting after the nomination incident.

"Sam! Sam, please you have to believe me!"

"Leave me alone."

"FINE then! I wish Anise was still here - she was much better company than YOU!"

Sam looked at him, severe anger building within her.

"I'm warning you, Jack O'Neill, now is NOT a good time to piss me off!"

"Ooh…bring it on, Sammie!"

"What is wrong with you, Jack?" Janet asked.

"Why is everybody always getting on at me?"

"BECAUSE YOU ATE ALL OF OUR FOOD!" Daniel shouted.

"I am going outside to speak with Harry - so long, f**kers!"

**********

"It's day twenty-two in the Big Brother house. The housemates still have to last another five days without any food. They have been unable to kill the chickens, and they are growing more restless by the second."

"Sam…" Malcolm moaned softly, rolling off of the couch and into a ball on the floor.

"It's okay, Malcolm. This will all be over soon."

"I…just wanted to tell you something…"

"What, Malcolm?"

"I…love..you.."

It was then that Sam decided to throw caution to the wind, and she kissed him.

Not surprisingly, he returned it, and the two of them were soon deep in passion.

"Aww…" Janet smiled happily, leaving to give the two of them some privacy.

She was just walking away when she noticed Jack returning from the patio. In slow-motion, she dived in front of him and tried to keep him away.

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooo!"

She failed, and Jack saw Malcolm and Sam on the floor.

"Agh!"

"It's okay, Jack, they'll have to come up for breath soon!"

**********

"It's twelve o'clock. Sam and Malcolm have gone to bed. Together. The other housemates are still going mad due to starvation."

"Janet! Janet, help me! I need to EAT SOMETHING!"

"I know, Daniel, I know."

"Oooh Gaaaaad!"

"Daniel, please calm down!"

"Need…food…"

Daniel's left ear started to jerk violently.

"NEED…FOOD…"

"Daniel!"

In an attempt to calm him down, Janet kissed Daniel, and the two of them soon ended up where Sam and Malcolm had been the moment before.

**********

"This is not normal tau'ri practice," Teal'c murmured, his eyebrows meeting in the middle. "I tire of this house."

Teal'c entered the diary room.

"Hello, Teal'c."

"Hello, Big Brother."

"How are you feeling?"

"I am intensely hungry, Big Brother, and annoyed that you will not provide us with any more food. My tau'ri companions have started acting very strangely."

"They're having sex, Teal'c."

"I KNOW THAT! What do you think I am, Big Brother, a retard?"

"Teal'c do not raise your voice with Big Brother."

"I wish to leave."

"You can't."

"WHY?"

"You have to be evicted by nomination."

"Big Brother, I see no point in staying here."

"Teal'c, at the moment you have been tipped as the one that will win Big Brother."

"AND?"

"You don't want the £70,000 prize money?"

"No. I want to get out of this s**thole."

"You cannot leave until you are evicted, Teal'c."

**********

"It's day twenty-three in the Big Brother house. Due to their shortage (or complete lack of) food, we have cancelled the nominations for eviction on Friday. Instead, there will be a double eviction next week, leaving only five housemates left."

**********

"It's day twenty-four in the Big Brother house. It is 6 am, and the big brother cameras have noticed Teal'c acting suspiciously."

Teal'c went into the garden and looked around him. The blasted cameras were following his every move. He went over to the chicken house and saw that Harry was still there, living off of the eggs that the chickens produced.

He shuddered, and turned away from the chickens.

He looked at the wall that was covered with ivy and gritted his teeth. Quickly, he ran towards the wall and jumped onto it, making a desperate bid for freedom.

"QUICK!" Harry squealed, "TEAL'C IS TRYING TO ESCAPE!"

Teal'c took off one of his shoes and threw it at Harry, momentarily shutting him up. Then, he heaved himself up and over the wall and found himself facing three big brother security guards.

"Come with us, Mr Teal'c," they said, guiding him away from the house.

Teal'c waved at Sam, Daniel and Janet who had gathered in the garden.

"I will see you soon, my friends!"

**********

"It's day twenty-five in the Big Brother house, and the other housemates are still reeling from the shock of Teal'c's escape. Nobody will be evicted tomorrow, but we will be interviewing Teal'c."

Sam sat in the garden and looked at the wall where Teal'c had escaped from. She felt very sad - Teal'c had been a constant, and now he had gone. She knew that he'd been bored out of his mind, but it wouldn't be the same without him. Just as she was deep in thought, she heard footsteps coming out to meet her.

It was Jack.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Look, Sam, I'm sorry I was such an asshole the other day - I just…"

"Oh, Jack."

Sam ran to him and put her arms around him, holding him tightly.

"Malcolm and I didn't really, you know, do it, we were just doing it for the cameras. Nothing happened, really."

"Really? Why'd you do that?"

"I wanted to get a reaction out of you - and it worked!" she smiled.

"How does Malcolm feel about it?"

"He said as long as he got to kiss me he'd be happy - and he did."

"I'm sorry - if I hadn't been such a jerk.."

"Jack, you're the only person that's been keeping me awake - it's so boring in here."

"Ah well. Only another couple of weeks, eh?"

"Yeah. So, are we friends again?"

"Yeah. Friends."

**********

"Hello Jack."

"Hello Big Brother."

"We called you here to give you a strike, I'm afraid."

"For crying out loud! Why?"

"You're not supposed to be nice and make friends with Sam, we wanted you to keep on bitching! Nice doesn't make good TV!"

"Get lost! Sam and I are friends now, so f**k your good TV!"

"Can't you at least be hyper and annoying like you were before?"

"No!"

"This is not a show about morals, Jack! It's about shutting a load of people in a house and watching them slowly tearing each other apart!"

"I never said I was gonna be an angel - I'm just not going to hurt Sam any more, okay?"

"Oh, f**k off Jack!"

"You can't say that to me!"

"I'm big brother, I can say what I like. Go on, piss off!"

***********

"It's day twenty-six in the big brother house. Jack is putting straw in Malcolm's hair whilst he is asleep."

"I told you I wouldn't be boring, and now I'll prove it," he said to one of the cameras.

**********

Sam and Janet, meanwhile, were in the garden trying to prize Harry out of the chicken house.

"Harry! Harry, it's alright - we'll be getting food today! The chickens are safe - we won't hurt them!"

"Go away!"

"Harry, Teal'c is gone, Jack is annoying Malcolm and Daniel is making drums out of the saucepans - there's no danger!"

"Leave us alone!"

"Harry, don't make us come in there and get you."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I'm opening the gate…"

"No! Alright, I'm coming! If the chickens get hurt, I'll be coming after you, Major Carter!"

"Yeah sure you betcha."

**********

"After five more days, here is a round-up of events leading into week 5!

"Sam and Janet have managed to coax Harry out of the chicken house. The housemates are being given another supply of food as we speak. Sam and Jack have made up (Boo!) and Jack is now intent on driving Malcolm to distraction. Teal'c has escaped, and Daniel has been making a drumkit out of saucepans. Also, Sam and Malcolm were just playing up to the cameras earlier - nothing happened between them (Boo!.) Daniel and Janet, however…"

**********

"Join us after the break with week 4's escapee - Teal'c!"

TO BE CONTINUED…