Title: Big Brother Stargate – Teal'c's Interview
Rating: PG-15
Spoilers: None
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: Teal'c on life in the Big Brother house, why he had to escape it, the whole no-food fiasco and why Harry really annoyed him.
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.
~ Big Brother Stargate – Teal'c's Interview ~
By Ruth
'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth
**********
"Hi! I'm here with the man who escaped from Stargate Big Brother – TEAL'C!"
(Wild cheering from audience)
"Indeed."
"So, Teal'c, that was a fabulous escape you pulled off – was life inside the house really that bad?"
"Indeed it was. I almost went mad inside the house."
"And why was that, Teal'c?"
"There are a number of reasons. The first being Harry."
"What did Harry do that annoyed you so much?"
"Well, his general hygiene was appaling, and the manner in which he addressed many of my friends was not nice."
"I take it you are referring to the armpit-shaving incident."
"Major Carter and Doctor Fraiser were made quite ill by this. I find this appaling – in my society, women are to be protected and not ignored."
(Cheering from audience)
"Thank you, Teal'c. What else about the house annoyed you so much that you had to escape?"
"I was incredibly bored – there was nothing to do, as we were not allowed to observe the televised broadcasts and we were allowed no reading materials."
"So…no books and no TV make Teal'c go crazy, huh?"
"I did not go crazy."
"No, Teal'c, we know, I was just quoting a line from the Simpsons…never mind…"
"Indeed."
"So, Teal'c, how did you react to Jack eating all of the food? Was it hard for you?"
"Obviously it was hard, as I rely on nutrition as much as my friends, but I believe that they had less control over their subsequent actions than I. I was able to channel my hunger into escaping, but they…"
"Shouted, screamed and had sex with each other?"
"Indeed."
"Right. Who did you get on with in the house?"
"Obviously my dear friends Daniel Jackson, Major Carter and O'Neill. I have known them for many months now, and I trust them implicitly. Many a time we have saved each other from the powerful system lords, as well as this entire planet…"
"Big Brother hasn't noticed this, Teal'c, but go on. Who did you not get on with in the house?"
"Harry, as I have previously explained. I also found myself distanced from Hathor and Anise, as they have earned themselves a bad reputation in both mine and my friend's eyes."
"Ooh – what kind of bad reputation?"
"In the words of my friend O'Neill, backstabbing, lying, snake-heads."
"Okay. What about Malcolm and Janet, you haven't said anything about them."
"Janet Fraiser is also my friend. Malcolm, I do not know. He is from the NID, so I do not totally trust him, but he has not demonstrated the greasy-assed and backstabbing behaviour of Colonel Maybourne. I believe that we would have remained friends if I had not escaped."
"What did you think about the whole Daniel-shutting-Jack-in-the-chickenhouse business?"
"I do not believe that Daniel Jackson would have done so unless O'Neill provoked him. O'Neill would certainly have done the same, if worse, in the same situation."
"I don't understand – but before, you said that Daniel's punishment did not fit the crime!"
"As I have said many times, my existence inside the house was extremely boring. I was hardly even aware of what I was saying."
"That excuse needs some work, Teal'c."
"Thank you for informing me."
"No problem. Finally, Teal'c, who would you like to win Stargate Big Brother?"
"Either Major Carter or Janet Fraiser. I feel they have put up with a lot inside of the house, and now they are the only two females left, things will probably worsen for them. I have a large amount of respect for them. It would also be amusing for Daniel Jackson or O'Neill to win, as the loser would probably mug the other one to get hold of the prize."
"Thank you, Teal'c, you've been great fun to watch. Here are your best moments."
('Sex Bomb' by Tom Jones plays, accompanied by clips of Teal'c sleeping, smiling, sleeping and…well…other stuff.)
"Thank you everybody, TEAL'C!!"
**********
NEXT TIME…
"They don't know it yet, but one of the previously evicted housemates will be going back inside…"
"Okay now, I want you to stay calm."
"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
