Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 5

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day twenty-seven in the Big Brother house. The housemates don't know it yet, but one of their previously evicted friends (or not) will be going back inside! Who will it be?

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier.

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 5 ~

Copyright © 2003 Ruth

**********

"It's day twenty-seven in the Big Brother house. The housemates don't know it yet, but one of their previously evicted friends (or not) will be going back inside! Who will it be?"

**********

"It's 10am. Jack and Sam have been talking in the garden since 8 o'clock. Harry is getting rather bored with the situation, and being the little bastard that he is, he decides to mess things up."

Harry smiled evilly as he looked at Sam and Jack in the garden. They'd been talking for two hours and looking at each other in the sort of lovey-dovey way that made him want to barf. He would show them…

Slowly and quietly, he went into the cupboard and pulled out a can of baked beans. He smirked as he removed the lid with a can-opener and tiptoed to the door…

He was so engrossed in his evil plan that he didn't see the shadow behind him. All he heard was the clang of the saucepan as it hit his head and he fell to the floor with a very undignified grunt. The figure then dragged him away, leaving Sam and Jack completely unawares.

**********

When Harry woke up he found himself tied to a radiator with a length of liquorice bootlace. This seemingly weak form of holding him turned out to be very strong, as it was cemented to the wall with black treacle.

"Help!" he shouted, but was slapped across the face with a wet kipper.

"Shut up!" the voice snarled, giving his face another slap for good measure.

**********

"It's 2am. Harry has been missing for four hours, but none of the housemates seem to have noticed. Daniel is asleep on the couch, Jack is stealing his glasses, Sam is in the kitchen and Malcolm is outside in the pool with Janet."

"Hey - has anyone seen Harry?" Malcolm shouted.

"No, not for about four hours."

"Good."

**********

"Help!"

"Silence! You will not tell them that I have returned, do you understand me? I shall hold you ransom until they give me what I want!"

"Yes. Please, don't hurt me!"

"I wouldn't bother wasting my time. Now, you leave Sam and Jack alone to talk, you understand me?"

"Mmm…"

"I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

"Yes! God, stop shouting at me!"

"Good."

"One thing - how come you want Sam and Jack to keep talking?"

A small smile curled on the lips of Harry's captor.

"I have had a word with Big Brother. They are both in for a surprise on Friday."

"Eviction night? Ooh, are we finally splitting them up?"

"SILENCE! Oh, I suppose it couldn't hurt to tell you, you are just a small blithering NID agent. No, we are not splitting them up - they can do that to each other."

"Oh, please tell me how! Go on!"

"No. It is between me and Big Brother."

"Why are Big Brother being so evil this series? I mean, they don't normally do this, do they?"

His captor shrugged. "Ratings are falling."

**********

"It's day twenty-eight in the Big Brother house. Harry is still being held hostage, but nobody has noticed. In a few minutes, we are going live to the house to tell them that one of their friends is already inside the house - but they don't know where. Actually, neither do we, as we told them to hide."

"Housemates, will you please gather in the diary room."

A few moments of squashing, cursing and bumping later, all of the remaining housemates were squeezed onto the diary room chair.

"Housemates, we have called you here today…Janet, could you, sort of, shift your elbow so that Daniel could actually breathe? That's it…thank you. Anyway, we have called you here today to tell you that one of your previously evicted housemates will be coming back inside!"

"Aaaagghhh!"

"Now, you must think back. Will it be Hathor, Anise, Martouf or Teal'c? Who would you like to come back? Who would you hate to come back?"

"Just get on with it, Big Brother," Jack moaned.

"No, no - we're not actually going to tell you - they're hidden somewhere in the house, and you have to go find them!"

"Sweet Jesus…."

"Have fun! Also, we would just like to tell you that Sam and Jack are excempt from nomination on Friday."

Sam and Jack looked at each other.

"Why?"

"Oh, you'll see. Remember - you cannot nominate Sam or Jack! Thank you, housemates."

**********

Daniel cautiously stepped out of the diary room, terrified that Hathor would have returned and tried to jump him.

He was followed by Jack, who was pleased that Martouf may have returned so that he could beat him up again.

Janet came out next, her teeth gritted in case Anise had returned, ready to smack her one.

The others followed, not particularly worried if Teal'c had come back or not, because he would be nice to them.

**********

Daniel picked up a baseball bat and began to search the kitchen. He very carefully opened each door, looked in each pot (he even looked inside of the oven) but he found no Hathor.

Just to be careful, he opened the refrigerator - and shrieked.

**********

Jack checked the bedrooms, wanting to see if Martouf was cowering in a corner. He picked up a feather pillow and prepared to beat the Tok'ra with it, but he only found the remains of a liquorice bootlace, dripping black treacle onto the carpet.

"Ew…gross!" said Jack, picking up the bootlace, inspecting it, and then eating it.

**********

Janet snarled as she opened the bathroom door, ready to give Anise her biggest bitch-slap in the history of bitch-slaps, but she checked every corner and found no-one there. Strange, she thought, but be vigilant! The bitch could be in here somewhere…

She went back to her prowling, checking the cabinets and jumping as she turned around and saw her reflection in the mirror.

**********

"Teal'c?" Sam called, "Teal'c, are you back? Hello? Give me a clue of where you are, dammit!"

She heard a muffled squeak from the directon of the diary room and froze.

"Jack?" she asked.

"Yeah?" he asked, coming out of the bedroom chewing on a liquorice bootlace, black treacle smeared on most of his face.

"Ew." Sam then pulled the remaining bit of bootlace out of his mouth, inspected it, and then ate it.

**********

Janet, Malcolm, Sam, Jack and Daniel met in the living room, still lost as to where their new housemate was.

"Well, I heard a funny noise coming from the diary room a moment ago," said Sam, as she tried to dislodge Jack's hand from her butt, where it had been lingering for a little while too long.

"Uh, Sam?" Jack said, as the others got closer to the diary room.

"What? Jack, get your hand off of my ass!"

"Um…I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?"

"I…well…um…the black treacle kinda…stuck…"

"Aaaaagggghhhhhhh!"

**********

"The housemates are congrigated outside the diary room, where Sam heard noises. Jack has managed to get his hand glued to Sam's butt with black treacle. He's doing a very bad job of pretending that it's an accident."

**********

"Who's gonna go in?" Jack asked, twisting round to try and get to the eye level of his housemates, which was exceedingly difficult.

"I'm not doing it!" Daniel shrieked, "Hathor might be in there!"

"And I'm not doing it - Anise might be in there," Janet warned.

"Well, Jack and I can't - we're a little bit stuck here," Sam replied.

"Malcolm, you'll have to do it."

"Oh, bugger! Fine then, I'll open the f*cking door."

"NO ONE WILL OPEN THE DOOR!"

"Agh!"

"Who was that?"

"I HAVE HARRY HERE, AND IF ANYONE COMES IN I WILL KILL HIM!"

"Oh, well. Lunch, anybody?"

"GODAMMIT! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR THEN, SEE IF I CARE!"

Malcolm pulled open the door to reveal Harry and his captor.

"Now, I want you to stay calm."

"AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"

*********

"It's day twenty-nine in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow, the housemates will be asked to nominate two of their fellow housemates for eviction, but Sam and Jack are excempt from the nominations, as well as the newly-rejoined housemate, who we can now reveal to be…"

"In alphabetical order…"

"ANISE!"

**********

Jack screamed and ran into the bedroom, unfortunately dragging Sam along with him (because his hand was stuck to her butt.)

Anise smiled, and relinquished her grip on Harry.

"It's so good to be back," she smiled.

**********

"It's day thirty in the Big Brother house. Today is nomination day!"

"Anise, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday, apart from Sam and Jack, and give your reasons."

"Janet, because she's an annoying bitch, and Malcolm, because he's a whinging twerp. I would like to take this moment to thank the viewers for voting me back in. THANK YOU! Yes, I will send Daniel in."

**********

"Daniel, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise, Jack and Sam, and give your reasons."

"Urm…well…I'm gonna have to say Malcolm, purely because I don't know him - but I do like him! And, erm…Harry, for being such a pain in the backside."

"Thank you, Daniel. Would you send Harry in please?"

**********

"Harry, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise, Jack and Sam, and give your reasons."

"I'm going to nominate Daniel, for being such a pain in the backside and MOCKING THE CHICKENS!"

"Your second nomination?"

"Hmm. Janet or Malcolm? Janet or Malcolm….nope, it's gonna have to be Malcolm."

"Why?"

"Because I don't like him. He annoys the f**k out of me."

"Thank you, Harry. Could you send Jack in please?"

**********

"Jack, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise and Sam, and give your reasons."

"Okay, but this is gonna have to be quick, 'cos Sam's outside the door and I've sorta closed it on my arm. Okay, first nomination - Harry, for being such an ass."

"And your second nomination?"

"Urm…Malcolm, just because I can't vote Janet, 'cos she's the one with all the honkin' needles…"

"Thank you, Jack. Could you send Janet in please?"

**********

"Janet, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise, Jack and Sam, and give your reasons."

"Oh, okay, urm…Harry, for being a bastard constantly, and..oh…DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T I VOTE FOR ANISE?"

"Because she's excempt from nomination this week. Your second nomination, Janet?"

"Oh…oh, Malcolm then. I'm sorry Malcolm - I like you, but I can't vote for my sweet Daniel…OH, SHIT DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?"

"You did, Janet."

"Crap!"

"Could you send Malcolm in please?"

**********

"Malcolm, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise, Jack and Sam, and give your reasons."

"Okay, I'm definitely going to vote Harry, for being such a bumptious little squirt, and…urm…this is so hard, you know? We've all become good friends, and…"

"Would you quit the sentimental crap and give us your f*cking nomination, Malcolm?"

"Alright - Daniel! I vote Daniel, because, urm…I do!"

"Thank you. Could you send Sam in please?"

**********

"Sam, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise and Jack, and give your reasons."

"Okay. We're going to have to make this quick because Jack's arm is shut in the door. I vote Harry for being an NID agent, and…oh, hell. I…I vote Malcolm! Just because I think he'd be happier out of this show, but he's such a sweet guy…"

"Can it, Carter! Go on, get the hell out of the diary room, f**k off!"

**********

"Housemates, this is Big Brother. We can now reveal that the three housemates who are up for eviction on Friday are…in alphabetical order…"

"Daniel…."

(Hideously Long Pause)

"Harry…"

(Hideously Long Pause)

"And…"

(Hideously Long Pause)

"Malcolm."

**********

"It's day thirty-one in the Big Brother house. Sam and Jack have finally managed to unstick themselves. Harry and Anise are doing the wild thing in the bathroom, Malcolm is in the pool (again) and Daniel and Janet are on the couch, talking. Sam and Jack are in the kitchen."

"Janet, you're gonna have to accept that I might be leaving on Friday."

"Nnnoooo!"

"Listen, honey, I've had enough of it in here - I want to go back home, read some more of my stuff, drink my special coffee! Besides, they're all gonna hate me because of the chickenhouse incident."

"They won't hate you!" said Janet.

"Yeah, they will. I bet you anything that Jack's gonna win. Listen, if anything - I want to leave on Friday."

"No!"

"Janet, stop doing that! Janet, please! Sam - could you come over here and remove Janet?"

"Not unless you come over here and remove Jack."

**********

"It's day thirty-two in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow night, either Daniel, Harry or Malcolm will be leaving the house for good. As he is convinced that it is his last full day in the house, Daniel is in his room packing."

"Janet, please stop crying!"

"No! Daniel, you can't leave!"

"Sam'll be here with you!"

"Not if Anise gets her own way - you know what a manipulative bitch she is!"

"Well, you'll always have Jack."

Janet burst into tears and cried harder.

**********

"What if I leave tomorrow?" Harry asked Anise, who was in the bath.

Anise shrugged, and took a sip of her champagne.

"But..I thought…I thought you loved me!"

"Please, NID boy! You're good for a ride, but there really wasn't anything more than that."

"I don't believe you! You must love me!"

"Harry! You are talking to me whilst you're on the toilet! You shaved your armpits in the kitchen sink! How can you possibly expect me to love you?"

"You're nothing but a cold hearted bitch, Anise!" Harry snarled, pulling up his underpants and running out of the bathroom crying, forgetting to flush.

Anise rolled her eyes, and took another sip of champagne.

"It's so tiring, being the Big Brother bitch."

**********

Malcolm sat in the living room with Sam.

"Malcolm, if you go tomorrow - I…I just want you to know that I'll miss you."

"Thanks, Sam - I'll miss you too."

"Just as a friend, though."

"Yeah, of course!"

Malcolm pulled her into a hug, one that she remained in for many minutes.

**********

Anise sat in the bathtub with a huge smile on her face.

"Boy, are Sam and Jack gonna get a huuuge surprise tomorrow night…" she smiled, and laughed wickedly, cursing when she slopped bath bubbles into her champagne glass.

**********

"IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT! IT'S EVICTION NIGHT! I am now going live to the house to reveal to the housemates who has been the fifth person to be evicted from Stargate Big Brother 2003."

"Big Brother housemates, this is Big Brother. You are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the fifth person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is…"

(A pause so incredibly long that you could go out, rent 'The Shawshank Redemption' DVD, come back, watch all of it (including the extras) and then switch back to channel 4 and still not know who had been evicted.)

…."Daniel."

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Janet screamed in agony.

"Daniel, you have one minute to say your goodbyes - I'm coming to get you!"

Daniel first went and shook hands with Malcolm, then with Jack.

"It's been wild, spacemonkey," he smiled.

He then put his middle finger up at Harry and Anise, and turned back to Janet.

"I'll be okay, honey," he said, pulling her into a hug and kissing her.

"Bye Daniel," Sam smiled, hugging him and placing a sisterly kiss on his cheek, "Take care."

"FIVE…FOUR…THREE…TWO…ONE…DANIEL, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. DANIEL, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE…"

Daniel turned around and waved at his friends before the doors closed, stepping outside to a mass of hysterical screaming and cheering - not a boo to be heard.

He smiled his cutest smile and 1,000 women promptly fainted into the row of reporters.

"Join me after the break for an interview with Daniel, but but for now I'm going back to the house to announce something to Sam and Jack."

**********

"Sam and Jack, this is Big Brother. We have a little surprise for you, if you'd like to look in the storage room."

Sam and Jack went over to the storage room and opened the door.

"Fuck!" they both said in unison.

Sara O'Neill and Jonas Hanson stood inside.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TO BE CONTINUED…