Title: Big Brother Stargate – Daniel's Interview
Rating: PG-15
Spoilers: None
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: Daniel on life in the Big Brother house, why he really shut Jack in the chickenhouse, his terror of Hathor and his opinion of Big Brother's latest cruel, ratings-raising scheme.
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.
~ Big Brother Stargate – Daniel's Interview ~
By Ruth
'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth
**********
"Hello everyone, I'm here with week 5's evictee DANIEL!"
(Mad Cheering from crowd)
Daniel held up his hand, waved and smiled and another 1,000 women promptly fainted.
"Daniel, we're gonna have to ask you to stop doing that, or you'll have no audience left."
"Oh, okay."
"Daniel, how did you find life inside of the Big Brother house?"
"Well, I enjoyed it to start with, but after about week 3 I started to get tired, and I just wanted to go home. There really is nothing to do all day but sleep, on a good day we can have a fight, and then sleep some more. It was Teal'c leaving that really did it for me – he made me realise that I'd had enough as well, but I can't climb walls as well as he can."
"So you're saying you would have escaped if you'd had the chance?"
"Well, I'm not sure. I would have had to leave Janet…"
"Aww. How would you describe your relationship with her?"
"I think…we're in love. We're very good friends, she can put up with my intense coffee addiction…"
"And didn't you become just 'more than friends' at one point in the house, Daniel?"
(Daniel blushes, another 500 women faint. Jeez, he's got a big crowd!)
"Urm…well…"
"We saw you! It was the same time as Sam and Malcolm."
"Yeah but they…"
"They claim that they were playing up to the camera, I know – lying fuckers! C'mon Daniel, they weren't acting, were they?"
(Daniel shifts about uncomfortably in his chair)
"They were playing up to the cameras, and I will say no more on the subject."
(Audience: Whhoooooooooooooo!)
"Okay then, we'll change the subject. We noticed that one housemate you had particular trouble with was Hathor. Could you explain why?"
"Well, if she was chasing you around the Big Brother house in her underwear claiming that you were her beloved, I'm sure you'd get a bit freaked out!"
"Okay, you do have a valid point there Daniel. Do you think she really did like you, or was she just trying to freak you out?"
"A bit of both, I think."
"Now, Daniel, one thing we do need to speak to you about is the Jack and chickenhouse fiasco. What the hell happened?"
"Well, Jack got up early and stole my glasses from the table beside my bed. He thought I was asleep, but I wasn't, 'cos I'd been up with a migrane all night…"
(Audience: Awwwwww….)
"Anyway. I got up, my head felt like it was gonna split open and I was of course mad about my glasses. I saw him putting jam on them and taking them outside and I thought I was really gonna lose it. Instead, I took my glasses off of him, shoved him in the chickenhouse and ran off."
"Don't you think you may have overreacted a little?"
"No! I'll tell you who overreacted – you! Giving me a strike for 'mocking the chickens' WHAT THE FUCK? I don't care if they're 'Big Brother Chickens' THEY'RE STILL CHICKENS! So you then gave me a strike for defending myself against Jack's irritating tactics, which you didn't do when Jack was beating Martouf mercilessly with a french stick. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN YOUR HEADS?"
(Wild cheering from audience)
"Daniel, did you once stop to think about the welfare of the Big Brother chickens?"
"No, I had other things on my mind."
"But the chickens are a part of your Big Brother hierachy. Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon are there to…"
"I DON'T CARE! IF HARRY HADN'T GONE AHEAD AND NAMED THE F*CKING THINGS, WE WOULD HAVE F*CKING WELL EATEN THEM!"
(Interviewer stands up, shocked. Audience still cheers wildly.)
"Daniel! You can't seriously suggest that you would have EATEN Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon!"
"Well, if Jack hadn't eaten out the ENTIRE f*cking contents of our f*cking kitchen, we wouldn't have had to even think about it!"
"Fine, fine. I'll change the subject for now. Oh – Daniel – are you aware of what happened after you left the house last night?"
"Is this to do with Jack and Sam?"
"Yes, it is. Well, basically – this was Anise's idea – we decided to give them a little surprise. Roll the film, guys!"
(Daniel watches in horror)
"Sam and Jack, this is Big Brother. We have a little surprise for you, if you'd like to look in the storage room."
Sam and Jack went over to the storage room and opened the door.
"Fuck!" they both said in unison.
Sara O'Neill and Jonas Hanson stood inside.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
(Clip ends)
"Oh my God! I can't believe you did that to them! Why?"
"Daniel, our ratings are falling. We had to do something to spice up the show! We thought Anise's idea was brilliant!"
"Oh, yeah, brilliant – Jonas is a FUCKING PSYCOPATH!"
"Ooh. Good!"
"Good? GOOD? He'll probably kill them all!"
"Ooh! Even better!"
"I can't believe you!"
"You don't have to believe us, Daniel, just watch the program. How do you think Sam and Jack will react to this?"
"Well, I'm sure they'll both be very shocked, but from what I've heard from Jack, Sara's okay. It's Jonas I'm worried about – he should BURN IN HELL for what he's done!"
"What has he done?"
"None of your f*cking business! Now, can we wrap this up, as I'm sure you've noticed I need some coffee, or I'm gonna get more irritated."
"Okay. Who would you like to see win Big Brother, Daniel?"
"I think Malcolm should win – he's been true to himself the whole time, he's had to put up with being the only person not from SG-1 or our circle of friends, and he's a really nice guy. I think he deserves to win."
"Thank you, Daniel. You've been thoroughly entertaining. Here are your best moments."
('Right Kind of Wrong' By LeAnn Rimes plays, accompanied by all of the clips of Daniel smiling, laughing, hugging Janet, shutting Jack in the chicken house, talking to Big Brother and, hell..nearly everything)
"Thank you, everybody – DANIEL!!"
**********
NEXT TIME…
"How do you think I feel? You've released my f*cking mad ex-fiancée into the house, as I predicted he's gone mad and now he's hunting us down like animals! Yeah, Big Brother, I'm having a f*cking wonderful day! Tickedy-boo!"
TO BE CONTINUED…
