Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 6
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Spoilers from the 'Scream' films, 'Psycho' and 'The Shining.'
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: It's day thirty-three in the Big Brother house. It's two o'clock. Anise and Sara have been talking in the pool for three hours, and Jonas is defrosting Malcolm on the barbecue."
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier. Also, you need to know what Sunny D is for this one, so if you don't, email me.
~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 6 ~
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth
**********
"It's day thirty-three in the Big Brother house. The arrival of Sara and Jonas has sent shockwaves around the house. Jonas is already causing trouble, and Sam and Jack have locked themselves in the diary room."
Jack snorted in his sleep, turned over and rolled off of the diary room chair where he'd been asleep. This woke Sam up, who had been sleeping on the floor.
"Sam?"
"Huh?"
"Tell me that this was just some horrible, horrible dream?"
"I'd love to, Jack, but..."
There was a pounding on the diary room door.
"HEEEEEY GUYS! YOU GONNA COME OUT AND PLAY?"
Jack moaned and rolled up in a ball, covering his ears with his arms.
"F*CK OFF JONAS!" Sam yelled, getting a high-pitched giggle in response.
"Dirty language, Sammie, VERY naughty language!"
Sam bit her lip and went over to Jack, trying to rouse him from his state of depression.
"I'm sorry, Jack, I..."
"It's not your fault. Jonas is just a f*cking lunatic."
**********
"It's eleven o'clock in the morning in the Big Brother house. Jonas is in the kitchen, drinking Sunny D. Sara is in the pool with Anise, and Janet is still mourning the loss of Daniel from the house. Sam and Jack will now attempt to escape from the diary room."
Malcolm walked into the kitchen and saw Jonas downing his 5th bottle of Sunny D.
He shivered a little with disgust and tried to move across the kitchen to get himself a yoghurt but Jonas leapt at him like a wild animal.
"NO!" he screeched, "NO, THE SUNNY D IS MINE!"
"I don't want any of your f*cking Sunny D!" Malcolm hollered back, "I want a f*cking yoghurt!"
"Ooh, yoghurt boy!" Jonas teased, dancing around him in a circle, still swigging from the bottle.
"Shut up," Malcolm said, pushing past him to get to the fridge.
It was at that moment that Sam and Jack attempted to escape from the diary room.
Jonas caught sight of Sam and squealed happily, shutting Malcolm inside the fridge and leaning against the door. Malcolm could only let out a muffled squeak of surprise before the door closed.
Sam looked at him in horror.
"Jonas! You can't shut him in the fridge! Let him out NOW!"
He giggled childishly. "I like it when you get mad, Sammie," he smirked.
Jack stomped over to him and wrenched the bottle of Sunny D out of his hand.
"You let Malcolm out of that fridge RIGHT NOW, or so help me I will ram this up your **** sideways!"
Jonas giggled again. "Oo-ey, tiger! Sorry, mate, I'm not that way inclined!"
Jack grimaced in disgust and stepped away from Jonas, putting the Sunny D back on the counter. At that point, Harry bounded out of the bedroom in his Pikachu underwear.
"Hey, Jonas! Will you be my friend?" he said, sidling up to him and smiling.
Jonas looked at him for a long moment before replying.
"Dude, you're wearing Pikachu underwear."
"Yeah! Cool, aren't they? "Go, Pikachu!" Harry made movements with his hands and kept grinning.
Sam and Jack looked at each other. Jonas looked at Sam and Jack, then back at Harry.
"Dude, get the f*ck out of my way."
Harry's face fell as Jonas walked past him, still holding the bottle of Sunny D.
"Catch ya later, babe!" he whispered in Sam's ear as he passed her, walking outside to see Anise and Sara.
Sam shuddered, looked back at Harry and shuddered again. Jack started to cry.
"What?" Harry asked. "Sam, your ex-boyfriend is really cool - do you think you could talk to him about me being his friend?"
Sam stared at Harry for a long moment. "I can tell you one thing - you'll have to lose the Pikachu shorts."
"Oh. Okay," said Harry, promptly pulling down his underwear.
Jack wailed and Sam screamed in terror.
***********
"It's one o'clock in the Big Brother house. Malcolm has been shut in the fridge for two hours."
"OH SHIT!" Sam cried, suddenly remembering.
**********
She ran over to the fridge and opened the door, catching the frozen Malcolm as he fell into her arms.
"Jack! Jack, I need some help here!"
Unfortunately, Jack was still puking up in the bathroom, and a different man intercepted her cry for help. It was Jonas.
"Hey babe, what's up?"
"Malcolm has frozen," she said, not making eye contact with him, "We need to warm him up."
"Oh, okay," Jonas agreed, picking up the foot end of the Malcolm ice cube and helping Sam take him outside.
"Jonas, what are you doing?"
"I'm turning the barbecue on."
**********
It's two o'clock in the Big Brother house. Anise and Sara have been talking in the pool for three hours, and Jonas is defrosting Malcolm on the barbecue."
"C'mon, bitch!" Jonas moaned, taking another drink of Sunny D and turning Malcolm over on the barbecue. He was still frozen.
Sara shook her head.
"I don't understand it - how could he be so frozen if he's only been in the fridge?"
Jonas grunted. "He was in there for two hours."
"Yeah, but, even so - he wouldn't be in a block of ice like he is now."
Jonas shrugged and gave Malcolm another turn. "All I know is that his butt won't defrost."
**********
"So...how long were you married to Jack?" Anise asked, taking a sip out of her champagne glass.
"Oh, well..."
"Years? Months? What are we talking here?"
"Years."
"Oh. So, you'd say that he was a long-term sort of guy."
Sara frowned. "Why are you asking me this?"
"I plan on marrying him," Anise sighed happily, drinking the remainder of her champagne.
Sara laughed loudly for a moment, and then stopped.
"Oh God, you're being serious?"
Their conversation was interrupted by Jonas beating Malcolm's frozen head against the wall, trying to break off some of the ice.
"Gawdammit!"
**********
"It's day thirty-four in the Big Brother house. Jonas is still turning Malcolm on the barbecue, and Jack has finally recovered from Harry front-mooning him. Sara, however, has not recovered from the shock of Anise's plan, and needs to tell her ex."
"Uh...Jack...could I have a word?" Sara asked, gently pulling on his arm.
"Sure," he replied, watching Harry warily out of the corner of his eye.
"Well, you know...you know that Anise woman?"
"Yeah..."
"She wants to marry you."
Jack paled, but shrugged. "Haven't you been watching this, Sara. She's been flirting with me the entire six weeks."
"No, I tuned in the week you sleepwalked into the kitchen and ate everything."
"Oh, great."
**********
Harry ambled out to the barbecue to meet Jonas, who was finally having some success in defrosting Malcolm.
"Hi, Jonas!" he smiled, jumping up and down on the spot.
Jonas looked at him in disgust. He was wearing a hawaiian shirt, with tight denim shorts that obviously belonged to Anise.
"Dude, you're wearing women's shorts." He replied, turning up the barbecue heat.
"I know - Anise said they showed off my...more important features!" Harry grinned, and Jonas turned a shade of pale green.
"That is gross," he replied, looking at Sam who had just walked outside.
"Hey, babe, can you come over here for a moment?" he asked.
Sam eyed him warily, but went over anyway.
"Yeah?" she asked.
Jonas slipped his arm around her waist before she could protest.
"Now. Is Harry, or is he not, wearing women's shorts?"
"Ugh..God!"
"Yah. Does he, or does he not, look like a f*cking arsehole?"
"Yup. He does."
Harry frowned, folding his arms.
"Lose the shorts?" he asked.
"Yeah!" Jonas almost shouted, before Sam had a chance to warn him.
"AAAAGGHHHH! DUDE, PUT SOME F*CKING UNDERWEAR ON!"
"Then I'll have a pantyline!"
Jonas almost collapsed, and Sam had to hold him upright. Just then, Malcolm woke up.
"AAAGGGHHH!" he yelled, jumping up off of the barbecue and running to the pool, throwing himself in. Sam watched as the steam rose from his burnt butt.
"Agh, yoghurt boy finally defrosted."
**********
"It's day thirty-five in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night, and whilst Jonas and Sara can be nominated, they can not be evicted. Strange, huh? Nah, we're just trying to boost our ratings."
**********
"It's day thirty-six in the Big Brother house. We are asking the housemates for their nominations."
"Anise, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'm going to nominate Sam - you know the reason why, and Janet, because she's been crying for her precious Daniel and I just want her to piss off."
"Thank you, Anise. Could you send Harry in please?"
**********
"Harry, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'd like to nominate Sam, for not talking to her boyfriend about making friends with me, and Jack, because I couldn't nominate him last week and he said I had a small d..."
"THANK YOU, HARRY. Could you send Jack in please?"
"Yes, I will. But I don't have a small..."
"HARRY!"
**********
"Jack, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'm going to vote Harry, because he was totally out of line with the 'drop-your-pikachu-pants' thing, and Jonas, because he's a fucking psycopath."
"Thank you, Jack. Could you send Janet in please?
**********
"Janet, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'm going to vote for Sara, because she might get in the way of Jack and Sam's relationship, and Jonas, for being a total idiot."
"Thank you, Janet. Could you send Jonas in please?"
**********
"Jonas, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Hey Big Brother! This is so fucking cool, I'd just like to say thanks for putting me in here with ma babe again. Oh, okay, erm...nominations...uh...Jack, for getting in the way of me and my babe, and Janet, 'cos she's been all whingey and crying for her Daniel, or whatever. BORING!"
"Thank you, Jonas. Do you think you could do something really evil to boost our ratings?"
"Hmm. More evil than putting Malcolm on the barbecue?"
"Yup."
"I'll see what I can do. Oh, and yeah, I'll send yoghurt-boy in."
**********
"Malcolm, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Jonas, for shutting me in the fridge AND THEN having the nerve to put me on the barbecue! And, erm, Harry, 'cos wearing women's shorts was just the last straw."
"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"
**********
"Sam, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Okay, I'm going to nominate Anise, for continuously flirting with Jack and making him miserable, and Harry for the pikachu pants incident."
(Long Pause)
"So...you're not going to vote for Jonas, then?"
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yes. Shall I send Sara in?"
"Oh, please do. You're sure you don't want to vote Jonas?"
"Yes."
**********
"Sara, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'm going to nominate Janet, because she obviously wants to go home to Daniel, and Anise, because I can't let her marry Jack. She's a whore."
"Thank you, Sara."
**********
"We can now reveal that the housemates up for eviction on Friday are..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"In alphabetical order..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"Harry..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"Janet..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"And..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"Jonas."
"But, because Jonas CAN'T be evicted, that means that it's just Harry and Janet up for eviction! Who will stay and who will go? You decide."
**********
"It's day thirty-seven in the Big Brother house. Jonas has finished all of the Sunny D and has gone into a state of Sunny D depravation, aggrivated by his psychosis and desperate need to get laid. He is now hunting the housemates down one by one, wearing a scream mask that we have no idea of where it came from."
He sniggered and looked behind the couch, but found nobody.
At that point, Harry bounded into the room.
"AAAGGHHHHH!"
"Harry, if you find me a large, pointy knife, I will spare you."
"Oh, thanks. I'll be right back."
Jonas cringed from behind the mask.
"DON'T say, 'I'll be right back," BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO!"
"Oh. Sorry."
Harry then went off in his search for the pointy knife.
**********
"How are you feeling today, Sam?"
"How do you think I feel? You've released my f*cking mad ex-fiancée into the house, as I predicted he's gone mad and now he's hunting us down like animals, wearing a scream mask! Yeah, Big Brother, I'm having a f*cking wonderful day! Tickedy-boo!"
**********
Anise hid in the bath, pulling the curtain around her. She nearly screamed as the door burst open and Jonas walked in, holding a pointy knife. She screamed as he pulled the curtain back, then paused for a second, the blade raised.
"Oh, wait a minute," he groaned, "This is from Psycho, isn't it?"
Anise shrugged. "I do not know what you are talking about."
"Oh, of course, you're that Tok'ra whore. Sure. Okay, if you find me a long black cape I will spare your life."
"Oh, thank you! I'll be right back!" she promised, running out of the room.
Jonas cringed again from behind the mask.
"DON'T say, 'I'll be right back," BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO!"
**********
Sam and Jack were still hiding in the diary room, backed up against the wall as far away from the door as possible.
Suddenly, an axe ripped through the wood and Jonas put his head through, grinning wildly. Then, the grin disappeared.
"Oh, hell. This is from 'The Shining', isn't it?"
Sam nodded.
"Okay. Jack, I'll spare your life If you put on a blonde wig and let me call you Sydney."
"Oh, sure. I'll be right back."
"DON'T say, 'I'll be right back," BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO!" Jonas screeched.
Jack ran away in terror, looking for a wig.
"Looks like it's just you and me," he smiled.
"Fuuuck you!" Sam said, spitting at him.
**********
Malcolm went into the kitchen and opened the knife drawer, horrified to find it empty.
"Going somewhere, yoghurt boy?" Jonas asked.
Malcolm whirled around in the dark. He couldn't see him, but he heard his voice.
He could also smell gas in the air.
"Don't do anything, Jonas!" Sam warned from somewhere behind him.
"Yeah, we've got you, now."
Jonas soon realised that he was surrounded, but smiled from beneath the mask.
"No, I've got you. The one I spare will be the one that lights the match."
"Wha...?" Jack asked, reaching for a box of matches.
"NO!" Sam shouted, "Haven't you seen the films? You'll blow up in a ball of fire and the rest of us will be stabbed horribly!"
"Oh. Right, I'll go then."
"Hello, Sydney."
"AAAAGGGGHHHH!"
"Oh, for pete's sake," said Sam, flipping the light back on.
Jonas' shoulders slumped, and he pulled off the mask.
"Sammie, I was having a moment, there!"
**********
Everyone looked around to see Anise and Sara wearing identical dresses, with their hair tied in bunches.
"Come and play with us, Harry."
Jonas grimaced. "No, now we're back to 'The Shining' again. I am the true master."
**********
"It's day thirty-eight in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night, and either Janet or Harry will be leaving the house. For now, Jonas has been locked in the freezer and Malcolm finally got his yoghurt."
"Aw, man! Best before, day thirty-seven. CRAP!"
**********
"It's Friday night! It's eviction night! I am now going live to the house."
"Big Brother housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the sixth person to be evicted from the Stargate Big Brother house is..."
(Here we go with the long pause again. Okay, this one is SOOOOO long that you could go out, grab some fish and chips, drive to John O'Groats from Land's End and back again, then come back home and still not know who had been evicted.)
"Janet!"
Sam flung her arms around Janet and tried not to cry.
"Janet, you have thirty seconds to collect your belongings and say goodbye - I'M COMING TO GET YOU!"
Sam and Janet were still in a hug when the twenty-second countdown began.
"Good luck, honey," Janet smiled.
"You say hi to Danny and Teal'c from me," Sam smiled, giving her a last hug and allowing the others to say goodbye.
"FIVE...FOUR...THREE...TWO...ONE....JANET, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. JANET, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."
Janet stepped out of the door to wild cheering and a lot of very happy-looking men, including Daniel who ran up the stairs to meet her and hugged her fiercely, much to her delight.
"Join me in the next part for an interview with Stargate Big Brother's sixth evictee - JANET!!"
TO BE CONTINUED...
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Spoilers from the 'Scream' films, 'Psycho' and 'The Shining.'
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: It's day thirty-three in the Big Brother house. It's two o'clock. Anise and Sara have been talking in the pool for three hours, and Jonas is defrosting Malcolm on the barbecue."
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier. Also, you need to know what Sunny D is for this one, so if you don't, email me.
~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 6 ~
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth
**********
"It's day thirty-three in the Big Brother house. The arrival of Sara and Jonas has sent shockwaves around the house. Jonas is already causing trouble, and Sam and Jack have locked themselves in the diary room."
Jack snorted in his sleep, turned over and rolled off of the diary room chair where he'd been asleep. This woke Sam up, who had been sleeping on the floor.
"Sam?"
"Huh?"
"Tell me that this was just some horrible, horrible dream?"
"I'd love to, Jack, but..."
There was a pounding on the diary room door.
"HEEEEEY GUYS! YOU GONNA COME OUT AND PLAY?"
Jack moaned and rolled up in a ball, covering his ears with his arms.
"F*CK OFF JONAS!" Sam yelled, getting a high-pitched giggle in response.
"Dirty language, Sammie, VERY naughty language!"
Sam bit her lip and went over to Jack, trying to rouse him from his state of depression.
"I'm sorry, Jack, I..."
"It's not your fault. Jonas is just a f*cking lunatic."
**********
"It's eleven o'clock in the morning in the Big Brother house. Jonas is in the kitchen, drinking Sunny D. Sara is in the pool with Anise, and Janet is still mourning the loss of Daniel from the house. Sam and Jack will now attempt to escape from the diary room."
Malcolm walked into the kitchen and saw Jonas downing his 5th bottle of Sunny D.
He shivered a little with disgust and tried to move across the kitchen to get himself a yoghurt but Jonas leapt at him like a wild animal.
"NO!" he screeched, "NO, THE SUNNY D IS MINE!"
"I don't want any of your f*cking Sunny D!" Malcolm hollered back, "I want a f*cking yoghurt!"
"Ooh, yoghurt boy!" Jonas teased, dancing around him in a circle, still swigging from the bottle.
"Shut up," Malcolm said, pushing past him to get to the fridge.
It was at that moment that Sam and Jack attempted to escape from the diary room.
Jonas caught sight of Sam and squealed happily, shutting Malcolm inside the fridge and leaning against the door. Malcolm could only let out a muffled squeak of surprise before the door closed.
Sam looked at him in horror.
"Jonas! You can't shut him in the fridge! Let him out NOW!"
He giggled childishly. "I like it when you get mad, Sammie," he smirked.
Jack stomped over to him and wrenched the bottle of Sunny D out of his hand.
"You let Malcolm out of that fridge RIGHT NOW, or so help me I will ram this up your **** sideways!"
Jonas giggled again. "Oo-ey, tiger! Sorry, mate, I'm not that way inclined!"
Jack grimaced in disgust and stepped away from Jonas, putting the Sunny D back on the counter. At that point, Harry bounded out of the bedroom in his Pikachu underwear.
"Hey, Jonas! Will you be my friend?" he said, sidling up to him and smiling.
Jonas looked at him for a long moment before replying.
"Dude, you're wearing Pikachu underwear."
"Yeah! Cool, aren't they? "Go, Pikachu!" Harry made movements with his hands and kept grinning.
Sam and Jack looked at each other. Jonas looked at Sam and Jack, then back at Harry.
"Dude, get the f*ck out of my way."
Harry's face fell as Jonas walked past him, still holding the bottle of Sunny D.
"Catch ya later, babe!" he whispered in Sam's ear as he passed her, walking outside to see Anise and Sara.
Sam shuddered, looked back at Harry and shuddered again. Jack started to cry.
"What?" Harry asked. "Sam, your ex-boyfriend is really cool - do you think you could talk to him about me being his friend?"
Sam stared at Harry for a long moment. "I can tell you one thing - you'll have to lose the Pikachu shorts."
"Oh. Okay," said Harry, promptly pulling down his underwear.
Jack wailed and Sam screamed in terror.
***********
"It's one o'clock in the Big Brother house. Malcolm has been shut in the fridge for two hours."
"OH SHIT!" Sam cried, suddenly remembering.
**********
She ran over to the fridge and opened the door, catching the frozen Malcolm as he fell into her arms.
"Jack! Jack, I need some help here!"
Unfortunately, Jack was still puking up in the bathroom, and a different man intercepted her cry for help. It was Jonas.
"Hey babe, what's up?"
"Malcolm has frozen," she said, not making eye contact with him, "We need to warm him up."
"Oh, okay," Jonas agreed, picking up the foot end of the Malcolm ice cube and helping Sam take him outside.
"Jonas, what are you doing?"
"I'm turning the barbecue on."
**********
It's two o'clock in the Big Brother house. Anise and Sara have been talking in the pool for three hours, and Jonas is defrosting Malcolm on the barbecue."
"C'mon, bitch!" Jonas moaned, taking another drink of Sunny D and turning Malcolm over on the barbecue. He was still frozen.
Sara shook her head.
"I don't understand it - how could he be so frozen if he's only been in the fridge?"
Jonas grunted. "He was in there for two hours."
"Yeah, but, even so - he wouldn't be in a block of ice like he is now."
Jonas shrugged and gave Malcolm another turn. "All I know is that his butt won't defrost."
**********
"So...how long were you married to Jack?" Anise asked, taking a sip out of her champagne glass.
"Oh, well..."
"Years? Months? What are we talking here?"
"Years."
"Oh. So, you'd say that he was a long-term sort of guy."
Sara frowned. "Why are you asking me this?"
"I plan on marrying him," Anise sighed happily, drinking the remainder of her champagne.
Sara laughed loudly for a moment, and then stopped.
"Oh God, you're being serious?"
Their conversation was interrupted by Jonas beating Malcolm's frozen head against the wall, trying to break off some of the ice.
"Gawdammit!"
**********
"It's day thirty-four in the Big Brother house. Jonas is still turning Malcolm on the barbecue, and Jack has finally recovered from Harry front-mooning him. Sara, however, has not recovered from the shock of Anise's plan, and needs to tell her ex."
"Uh...Jack...could I have a word?" Sara asked, gently pulling on his arm.
"Sure," he replied, watching Harry warily out of the corner of his eye.
"Well, you know...you know that Anise woman?"
"Yeah..."
"She wants to marry you."
Jack paled, but shrugged. "Haven't you been watching this, Sara. She's been flirting with me the entire six weeks."
"No, I tuned in the week you sleepwalked into the kitchen and ate everything."
"Oh, great."
**********
Harry ambled out to the barbecue to meet Jonas, who was finally having some success in defrosting Malcolm.
"Hi, Jonas!" he smiled, jumping up and down on the spot.
Jonas looked at him in disgust. He was wearing a hawaiian shirt, with tight denim shorts that obviously belonged to Anise.
"Dude, you're wearing women's shorts." He replied, turning up the barbecue heat.
"I know - Anise said they showed off my...more important features!" Harry grinned, and Jonas turned a shade of pale green.
"That is gross," he replied, looking at Sam who had just walked outside.
"Hey, babe, can you come over here for a moment?" he asked.
Sam eyed him warily, but went over anyway.
"Yeah?" she asked.
Jonas slipped his arm around her waist before she could protest.
"Now. Is Harry, or is he not, wearing women's shorts?"
"Ugh..God!"
"Yah. Does he, or does he not, look like a f*cking arsehole?"
"Yup. He does."
Harry frowned, folding his arms.
"Lose the shorts?" he asked.
"Yeah!" Jonas almost shouted, before Sam had a chance to warn him.
"AAAAGGHHHH! DUDE, PUT SOME F*CKING UNDERWEAR ON!"
"Then I'll have a pantyline!"
Jonas almost collapsed, and Sam had to hold him upright. Just then, Malcolm woke up.
"AAAGGGHHH!" he yelled, jumping up off of the barbecue and running to the pool, throwing himself in. Sam watched as the steam rose from his burnt butt.
"Agh, yoghurt boy finally defrosted."
**********
"It's day thirty-five in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night, and whilst Jonas and Sara can be nominated, they can not be evicted. Strange, huh? Nah, we're just trying to boost our ratings."
**********
"It's day thirty-six in the Big Brother house. We are asking the housemates for their nominations."
"Anise, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'm going to nominate Sam - you know the reason why, and Janet, because she's been crying for her precious Daniel and I just want her to piss off."
"Thank you, Anise. Could you send Harry in please?"
**********
"Harry, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'd like to nominate Sam, for not talking to her boyfriend about making friends with me, and Jack, because I couldn't nominate him last week and he said I had a small d..."
"THANK YOU, HARRY. Could you send Jack in please?"
"Yes, I will. But I don't have a small..."
"HARRY!"
**********
"Jack, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'm going to vote Harry, because he was totally out of line with the 'drop-your-pikachu-pants' thing, and Jonas, because he's a fucking psycopath."
"Thank you, Jack. Could you send Janet in please?
**********
"Janet, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'm going to vote for Sara, because she might get in the way of Jack and Sam's relationship, and Jonas, for being a total idiot."
"Thank you, Janet. Could you send Jonas in please?"
**********
"Jonas, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Hey Big Brother! This is so fucking cool, I'd just like to say thanks for putting me in here with ma babe again. Oh, okay, erm...nominations...uh...Jack, for getting in the way of me and my babe, and Janet, 'cos she's been all whingey and crying for her Daniel, or whatever. BORING!"
"Thank you, Jonas. Do you think you could do something really evil to boost our ratings?"
"Hmm. More evil than putting Malcolm on the barbecue?"
"Yup."
"I'll see what I can do. Oh, and yeah, I'll send yoghurt-boy in."
**********
"Malcolm, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Jonas, for shutting me in the fridge AND THEN having the nerve to put me on the barbecue! And, erm, Harry, 'cos wearing women's shorts was just the last straw."
"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"
**********
"Sam, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"Okay, I'm going to nominate Anise, for continuously flirting with Jack and making him miserable, and Harry for the pikachu pants incident."
(Long Pause)
"So...you're not going to vote for Jonas, then?"
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yes. Shall I send Sara in?"
"Oh, please do. You're sure you don't want to vote Jonas?"
"Yes."
**********
"Sara, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."
"I'm going to nominate Janet, because she obviously wants to go home to Daniel, and Anise, because I can't let her marry Jack. She's a whore."
"Thank you, Sara."
**********
"We can now reveal that the housemates up for eviction on Friday are..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"In alphabetical order..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"Harry..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"Janet..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"And..."
(STUPIDLY long pause)
"Jonas."
"But, because Jonas CAN'T be evicted, that means that it's just Harry and Janet up for eviction! Who will stay and who will go? You decide."
**********
"It's day thirty-seven in the Big Brother house. Jonas has finished all of the Sunny D and has gone into a state of Sunny D depravation, aggrivated by his psychosis and desperate need to get laid. He is now hunting the housemates down one by one, wearing a scream mask that we have no idea of where it came from."
He sniggered and looked behind the couch, but found nobody.
At that point, Harry bounded into the room.
"AAAGGHHHHH!"
"Harry, if you find me a large, pointy knife, I will spare you."
"Oh, thanks. I'll be right back."
Jonas cringed from behind the mask.
"DON'T say, 'I'll be right back," BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO!"
"Oh. Sorry."
Harry then went off in his search for the pointy knife.
**********
"How are you feeling today, Sam?"
"How do you think I feel? You've released my f*cking mad ex-fiancée into the house, as I predicted he's gone mad and now he's hunting us down like animals, wearing a scream mask! Yeah, Big Brother, I'm having a f*cking wonderful day! Tickedy-boo!"
**********
Anise hid in the bath, pulling the curtain around her. She nearly screamed as the door burst open and Jonas walked in, holding a pointy knife. She screamed as he pulled the curtain back, then paused for a second, the blade raised.
"Oh, wait a minute," he groaned, "This is from Psycho, isn't it?"
Anise shrugged. "I do not know what you are talking about."
"Oh, of course, you're that Tok'ra whore. Sure. Okay, if you find me a long black cape I will spare your life."
"Oh, thank you! I'll be right back!" she promised, running out of the room.
Jonas cringed again from behind the mask.
"DON'T say, 'I'll be right back," BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO!"
**********
Sam and Jack were still hiding in the diary room, backed up against the wall as far away from the door as possible.
Suddenly, an axe ripped through the wood and Jonas put his head through, grinning wildly. Then, the grin disappeared.
"Oh, hell. This is from 'The Shining', isn't it?"
Sam nodded.
"Okay. Jack, I'll spare your life If you put on a blonde wig and let me call you Sydney."
"Oh, sure. I'll be right back."
"DON'T say, 'I'll be right back," BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO!" Jonas screeched.
Jack ran away in terror, looking for a wig.
"Looks like it's just you and me," he smiled.
"Fuuuck you!" Sam said, spitting at him.
**********
Malcolm went into the kitchen and opened the knife drawer, horrified to find it empty.
"Going somewhere, yoghurt boy?" Jonas asked.
Malcolm whirled around in the dark. He couldn't see him, but he heard his voice.
He could also smell gas in the air.
"Don't do anything, Jonas!" Sam warned from somewhere behind him.
"Yeah, we've got you, now."
Jonas soon realised that he was surrounded, but smiled from beneath the mask.
"No, I've got you. The one I spare will be the one that lights the match."
"Wha...?" Jack asked, reaching for a box of matches.
"NO!" Sam shouted, "Haven't you seen the films? You'll blow up in a ball of fire and the rest of us will be stabbed horribly!"
"Oh. Right, I'll go then."
"Hello, Sydney."
"AAAAGGGGHHHH!"
"Oh, for pete's sake," said Sam, flipping the light back on.
Jonas' shoulders slumped, and he pulled off the mask.
"Sammie, I was having a moment, there!"
**********
Everyone looked around to see Anise and Sara wearing identical dresses, with their hair tied in bunches.
"Come and play with us, Harry."
Jonas grimaced. "No, now we're back to 'The Shining' again. I am the true master."
**********
"It's day thirty-eight in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night, and either Janet or Harry will be leaving the house. For now, Jonas has been locked in the freezer and Malcolm finally got his yoghurt."
"Aw, man! Best before, day thirty-seven. CRAP!"
**********
"It's Friday night! It's eviction night! I am now going live to the house."
"Big Brother housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the sixth person to be evicted from the Stargate Big Brother house is..."
(Here we go with the long pause again. Okay, this one is SOOOOO long that you could go out, grab some fish and chips, drive to John O'Groats from Land's End and back again, then come back home and still not know who had been evicted.)
"Janet!"
Sam flung her arms around Janet and tried not to cry.
"Janet, you have thirty seconds to collect your belongings and say goodbye - I'M COMING TO GET YOU!"
Sam and Janet were still in a hug when the twenty-second countdown began.
"Good luck, honey," Janet smiled.
"You say hi to Danny and Teal'c from me," Sam smiled, giving her a last hug and allowing the others to say goodbye.
"FIVE...FOUR...THREE...TWO...ONE....JANET, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. JANET, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."
Janet stepped out of the door to wild cheering and a lot of very happy-looking men, including Daniel who ran up the stairs to meet her and hugged her fiercely, much to her delight.
"Join me in the next part for an interview with Stargate Big Brother's sixth evictee - JANET!!"
TO BE CONTINUED...
