Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 7
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: It's day forty in the Big Brother house. Jonas has succeeded in maiming one of the housemates - but who is it? Later, three of the housemates meet their demise by his hand.
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.
~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 7 ~
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth
**********
"It's day forty in the Big Brother house. Jonas has maimed one of the housemates. He isn't telling us who it is."
Jonas laughed evilly and pranced around the kitchen. Sam was tied to a chair with some liquorice bootlace, unable to escape.
"Why do you do it, Jonas?" she asked, "Why?"
Jonas shrugged. "He was annoying me."
"Yes, but you can't just go around maiming people if they annoy you!"
"I didn't maim him!" Jonas protested, "I just.."
"Threw boiling hot custard on his face?"
"Well, yeah. What's wrong with that?"
"Oh, nothing - YOU COULD HAVE BURNT HIS NOSE OFF!"
"Calm down, baby. He's fine - he can still breathe!"
"Yeah, out of one nostril - Jonas, what were you thinking?"
"I did it for you, baby, I did it all for you!"
"Oh, thanks, Jonas, that makes me feel great."
"Good."
**********
"It's three o'clock. Anise and Sara are in the pool, talking about Jack."
"So...have you mentioned any of this to Jack?" Sara asked, "Told him how you feel?"
"No. He seems besotted with Samantha Carter, for some stupid reason! I mean, why?"
Sara swallowed. "Well, she is pretty."
"What? She's boring, ugly and totally un-cool! I, however, am beautiful, intelligent and interesting. I'm also great in bed."
"Hm," Sara said, resisting her urge to jump screaming out of the pool.
"Still, her ex might put a stop to that," Anise smiled, "He's quite fit actually."
Sara choked on her champagne. "Jonas?"
"What's wrong with that?" Anise asked, refilling her glass.
"Either Jack or Jonas, Anise. I can tell you, Jack O'Neill requires a lot of commitment."
"Oh, so do I," Anise smiled. "He'll see straight eventually."
**********
"And then you felt it necessary to stab him repeatedly with a spatula? Jonas, you can't do this!"
"Why not? I told you baby, he was annoying me!"
"Yes, Jonas, YOU'RE ANNOYING ME! THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I GO AROUND MAIMING YOU, DOES IT?"
"I love it when you're angry."
"Shut up! What have you done with the others?" Sam demanded, trying to shift out of her liquorice restraints.
"Sara and Anise are in the pool, Jack and Malcolm are in the bedroom, Harry is perving Sara and Anise in the pool and...oh, you're here with me! Aren't you lucky, baby?"
"No."
"You love me really. Of course you do. That's why you never nominated me."
"Wha - how the hell do you know about that?" Sam snapped, feeling colour rise to her cheeks.
"Big Brother is a bit bitchy this year - they tell me everything. Including your having sex with Malcolm."
"What? Jonas, I didn't!"
"Don't lie to me! Big Brother told me! Harry told me! Stop all of your 'we pretended' bullshit!"
"Jonas, put that cheese grater down. Jonas!"
**********
"It's 10pm. Harry is outside talking to Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon. Malcolm is in the bedroom. Anise is in the bath. Sara is talking to Jack, and still no-one has noticed that Jonas has taken Sam hostage in the kitchen."
"Here you go, guys," Harry said, feeding the chickens.
Jack and Sara sat outside, ignoring Harry's affectionate clucking noises.
"Jack, I really think I need to warn you about Anise."
"Sara, I told you - Anise is nothing to worry about," Jack said.
"Jack, she's determined to get you to fancy her. I'm worried she might do something to Sam."
"What? Why Sam?"
"She sees her as competition."
"Competition for what?" Jack asked.
Sara rolled her eyes. "You, Jack, you."
"Oh. Well, I told you, Sam and I can't..."
"Yes, Jack, I know that. You should talk to Anise - tell her that you're not interested."
**********
Sam brought her foot up into Jonas' groin and edged her chair away from him, away from the cheese grater that was threatening to scalp her.
"AGH!" Jonas cursed.
Sam finally managed to break free of her liquorice restraints and ran for her life into the garden, slamming the door shut behind her and holding it as Jonas tried to follow her into the garden.
"Oh, shit! We've left Malcolm in there with him!" Sam groaned, as Jonas smiled evilly at her through the glass.
"He's already been maimed, Sam," Sara said softly, "He probably doesn't know."
"I don't care!" said Sam, "I've gotta go back in for him!"
"No!" Jack said, holding her arm, "He's a psycho! He'll kill you! I won't let you go!"
**********
"It's day forty-one in the Big Brother house. Jonas has disappeared. All of the housemates are now back inside, and Malcolm can finally stand up!"
"Hey, Malcolm!" Sam said, helping him into the room and onto the couch.
"Where is he?" Malcolm asked.
"Who? Jonas? Ah..well..."
"We don't know," said Jack, flicking a peanut at Harry who squealed in fright.
"Agh!"
"It's a peanut, Harry," Jack said boredly.
"You're trying to injure me!" he protested, running into the bathroom to find Anise.
**********
"It's two o'clock. The housemates have been trying to ignore the gross banging sounds from the bathroom for four hours, and Jonas is still nowhere to be seen."
"Don't worry," Sam said, "They'll have to come up for breath soon."
Jack covered his ears in disgust and went into the kitchen to make himself a peanut-butter and ham sandwich.
"Uh...Sam?" he asked worriedly.
"Yeah?" she asked.
"Where's the honkin' huge carving knife gone?"
"Oh, shit..."
**********
"It's ten o'clock. The housemates have been searching the Big Brother house to try and find Jonas. So far, they have been unsuccessful."
"Anise! Harry! Could ya stop that a minute and see if Jonas is in there with you?" Jack shouted through the door.
"We don't do that sort of thing, Jack!" Harry shouted proudly.
"AGH!" Jack cried in disgust, running away from the bathroom as fast as he could.
Sam was searching the kitchen top and bottom when Jack returned.
"Find anything?" Jack asked, sitting down on the floor.
"No," she said, "I don't care where he is, but he's got a knife..."
Suddenly, they heard frantic clucking noises from the garden. Harry promptly ran screaming out of the bathroom and picked up the nearest weapon to hand - a French stick.
"Leave them alone!" he shouted in terror, running into the garden stark naked.
"Oh, man!" Jonas shouted in disgust, covering his eyes.
Harry then began to beat Jonas over the head with the French stick, sending bread flying everywhere.
"Bread," Jonas began, "So bland. Would you like some CHICKEN with that?"
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed as he saw the blade of the knife rising into the air, "NNNNNOOOOO!"
He leapt at Jonas and began pounding him with his fists, trying to grab the knife off of him.
"Harry!" Jack shouted, "He'll kill you!"
"He can kill me before he kills Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon!" Harry proclaimed, still beating Jonas.
Jack groaned, and ran for Harry. Grabbing him by the shoulders, he hauled him off of Jonas just before the knife struck him in the back.
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed in terror, as one of the chickens was slain.
"It's okay, Harry," Jack said, trying to reassure him.
"You bastard! You fucking twat!" Harry screamed at him, "You killed them!"
"WHAT?" Jack yelled, "I saved your sorry ass!"
"Jonas!" Sam shouted, "Why the hell are you doing this?"
"I'm hungry," he said, "And seeing as I can't have one thing I want, I'll take the other!"
The knife plunged towards the ground again, and they all flinched.
"Take Sam!" Harry screamed, "Kill her! We don't care!"
"Hey!" Sam shouted, and Jack pushed him over into the grass.
Anise dragged Harry away from the scene of the carnage, and the others ran inside, locking all of the doors securely behind them. Jonas would be trapped outside.
The chicken house was morbidly silent.
**********
"It's day forty-two in the Big Brother house. We can now confirm, with great sadness, that all of the Big Brother chickens are dead."
Harry was inconsolable. He locked himself in his bedroom and cried into the bedsheets, not even allowing Anise to comfort him.
"As a mark of respect for our fallen feathered friends, Big Brother will not broadcast today."
**********
"It's day forty-three in the Big Brother house. We have asked the housemates to nominate two of their fellow housemates for eviction on Friday, and give their reasons. Anise is first."
"Hello Anise. Your first nomination?"
"Jonas. His act of violence on Sunday was too terrible to repeat, and he has shocked Harry to the core. That sort of grief should be inflicted upon nobody but Sam Carter."
"Ookay. And your second nomination?"
"Sam, because she's competition where Jack is concerned."
"Thank you, Anise. Could you send Harry in please?"
"Well, that could be a problem, but he asked me to give you his nominations."
"Hmm. Okay then. Harry's first nomination?"
"Jonas, obviously."
"And Harry's second nomination?"
"Sara, for being very boring."
"Thank you. Could you send Jack in please?"
**********
"Jack, your first nomination?"
"Jonas, for the chicken thing. That was just wrong."
"And your second nomination?"
"Anise, because she's becoming a real kiss-ass and I'm afraid that she's going to try and jump me."
"Thank you, Jack. Now, we're going live to the garden for Jonas' nominations."
**********
"Jonas, your first nomination?"
"Sara, because she's real boring and hasn't killed anything."
"And your second nomination?"
"Anise, because she's plotting to kill my baby, and nobody can do that except me."
"Thank you, Jonas. Now we're going back to the house for Malcolm's nominations."
**********
"Malcolm, your first nomination?"
"Jonas, for maiming me and bodging it, and the chicken thing on Sunday."
"And your second nomination?"
"Sara. She's not a team player, and we need that in this house. It's starting to get more like Survivor."
"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"
**********
"Sam, your first nomination?"
"Jonas, for maiming Malcolm and killing the chickens."
"And your second nomination?"
"Anise, because she's trying to kill me."
"Thank you, Sam. Could you send Sara in please?"
**********
"Sara, your first nomination?"
"Jonas, for obvious reasons."
"And your second nomination?"
"Anise. She's being a total bitch and I don't like her any more."
"Thank you, Sara."
**********
"I can now reveal that the three housemates up for eviction on Friday are..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"In alphabetical order..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"Anise..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"Jonas..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"And..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"Sara."
**********
"It's day forty-four in the Big Brother house. Anise has given up on helping Harry, Malcolm and Jack are fighting and Sam is asleep."
"Give me that!" Malcolm shouted, tugging at the yoghurt in Jack's hand.
"It's mine!" Jack squealed, pulling it back towards him.
"Damn you, O'Neill, give me the yoghurt!" Malcolm hollered.
"NO!" Jack protested, giving the yoghurt another tug.
Unfortunately, the packaging wasn't very strong and the two men ended up wearing it between them.
Jack started to cry.
**********
"It's day forty-five in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night, and Anise has another dastardly plan up her sleeve."
She sat in the bath with her glass of champagne, smiling. She would separate Sam and Jack yet. She wouldn't be evicted tomorrow - the public loved her too much!
With a cackle of laughter she took another sip of champagne and laid back, just a bit too far because she went under the water and spilt her champagne in the bathtub.
"Damn!"
**********
"It's day forty-six in the Big Brother house. It's Friday night - it's EVICTION NIGHT!"
"Housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the seventh person to be evicted from Stargate Big Brother is...."
(Okay, here goes another hideously long pause. This one, you could probably travel up to Glastonbury, spend three days there for the festival, come back and still not know who the winner was.)
"Sara."
Everyone inside the house booed. Why was Sara getting evicted when Jonas had murdered the chickens and maimed Malcolm?
"Sara, you have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes...I'M COMING TO GET YOU!"
Sara said her goodbyes to the housemates, receiving a warm hug from Jack.
"Good luck," she said with a smile, as she made her way to the stairs.
"Five...four...three...two...one...SARA, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. SARA, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."
Sara stepped out of the house to a mass of cheering.
"Join me after the break for an interview with week 7's evictee - SARA!"
**********
Back inside the house, Jack decided that it was time to talk to Anise.
"Uh...Anise?" he said, "Could I have a word?"
"Sure," she said, smiling seductively and walking over to him. They stood by the doors to the garden, with the other housemates well out of earshot.
"Well, I...I don't know how you feel about me, but..."
"I love you," she whispered, "And I know you love me too."
"Ah, well," Jack began, but was cut off when she kissed him.
Anise opened her eyes and tried not to smile when Sam walked around the corner and saw them. She choked back a sob and stood there for a moment, unable to believe her eyes.
"Sam!" Jack shouted desperately, "It's not - "
She turned around with tears in her eyes and started to walk away from him. Jack ran after her and touched her arm, trying to turn her around.
"Leave me alone," she said, wrenching her arm away and going into her bedroom, locking the door behind her and leaving him standing outside the door, alone.
TO BE CONTINUED...
**********
Next time: "It's day forty-seven in the Big Brother house. Anise's evil plan to split up Sam and Jack has worked, and Harry is holding an official funeral for the chickens."
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: It's day forty in the Big Brother house. Jonas has succeeded in maiming one of the housemates - but who is it? Later, three of the housemates meet their demise by his hand.
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.
~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 7 ~
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth
**********
"It's day forty in the Big Brother house. Jonas has maimed one of the housemates. He isn't telling us who it is."
Jonas laughed evilly and pranced around the kitchen. Sam was tied to a chair with some liquorice bootlace, unable to escape.
"Why do you do it, Jonas?" she asked, "Why?"
Jonas shrugged. "He was annoying me."
"Yes, but you can't just go around maiming people if they annoy you!"
"I didn't maim him!" Jonas protested, "I just.."
"Threw boiling hot custard on his face?"
"Well, yeah. What's wrong with that?"
"Oh, nothing - YOU COULD HAVE BURNT HIS NOSE OFF!"
"Calm down, baby. He's fine - he can still breathe!"
"Yeah, out of one nostril - Jonas, what were you thinking?"
"I did it for you, baby, I did it all for you!"
"Oh, thanks, Jonas, that makes me feel great."
"Good."
**********
"It's three o'clock. Anise and Sara are in the pool, talking about Jack."
"So...have you mentioned any of this to Jack?" Sara asked, "Told him how you feel?"
"No. He seems besotted with Samantha Carter, for some stupid reason! I mean, why?"
Sara swallowed. "Well, she is pretty."
"What? She's boring, ugly and totally un-cool! I, however, am beautiful, intelligent and interesting. I'm also great in bed."
"Hm," Sara said, resisting her urge to jump screaming out of the pool.
"Still, her ex might put a stop to that," Anise smiled, "He's quite fit actually."
Sara choked on her champagne. "Jonas?"
"What's wrong with that?" Anise asked, refilling her glass.
"Either Jack or Jonas, Anise. I can tell you, Jack O'Neill requires a lot of commitment."
"Oh, so do I," Anise smiled. "He'll see straight eventually."
**********
"And then you felt it necessary to stab him repeatedly with a spatula? Jonas, you can't do this!"
"Why not? I told you baby, he was annoying me!"
"Yes, Jonas, YOU'RE ANNOYING ME! THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I GO AROUND MAIMING YOU, DOES IT?"
"I love it when you're angry."
"Shut up! What have you done with the others?" Sam demanded, trying to shift out of her liquorice restraints.
"Sara and Anise are in the pool, Jack and Malcolm are in the bedroom, Harry is perving Sara and Anise in the pool and...oh, you're here with me! Aren't you lucky, baby?"
"No."
"You love me really. Of course you do. That's why you never nominated me."
"Wha - how the hell do you know about that?" Sam snapped, feeling colour rise to her cheeks.
"Big Brother is a bit bitchy this year - they tell me everything. Including your having sex with Malcolm."
"What? Jonas, I didn't!"
"Don't lie to me! Big Brother told me! Harry told me! Stop all of your 'we pretended' bullshit!"
"Jonas, put that cheese grater down. Jonas!"
**********
"It's 10pm. Harry is outside talking to Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon. Malcolm is in the bedroom. Anise is in the bath. Sara is talking to Jack, and still no-one has noticed that Jonas has taken Sam hostage in the kitchen."
"Here you go, guys," Harry said, feeding the chickens.
Jack and Sara sat outside, ignoring Harry's affectionate clucking noises.
"Jack, I really think I need to warn you about Anise."
"Sara, I told you - Anise is nothing to worry about," Jack said.
"Jack, she's determined to get you to fancy her. I'm worried she might do something to Sam."
"What? Why Sam?"
"She sees her as competition."
"Competition for what?" Jack asked.
Sara rolled her eyes. "You, Jack, you."
"Oh. Well, I told you, Sam and I can't..."
"Yes, Jack, I know that. You should talk to Anise - tell her that you're not interested."
**********
Sam brought her foot up into Jonas' groin and edged her chair away from him, away from the cheese grater that was threatening to scalp her.
"AGH!" Jonas cursed.
Sam finally managed to break free of her liquorice restraints and ran for her life into the garden, slamming the door shut behind her and holding it as Jonas tried to follow her into the garden.
"Oh, shit! We've left Malcolm in there with him!" Sam groaned, as Jonas smiled evilly at her through the glass.
"He's already been maimed, Sam," Sara said softly, "He probably doesn't know."
"I don't care!" said Sam, "I've gotta go back in for him!"
"No!" Jack said, holding her arm, "He's a psycho! He'll kill you! I won't let you go!"
**********
"It's day forty-one in the Big Brother house. Jonas has disappeared. All of the housemates are now back inside, and Malcolm can finally stand up!"
"Hey, Malcolm!" Sam said, helping him into the room and onto the couch.
"Where is he?" Malcolm asked.
"Who? Jonas? Ah..well..."
"We don't know," said Jack, flicking a peanut at Harry who squealed in fright.
"Agh!"
"It's a peanut, Harry," Jack said boredly.
"You're trying to injure me!" he protested, running into the bathroom to find Anise.
**********
"It's two o'clock. The housemates have been trying to ignore the gross banging sounds from the bathroom for four hours, and Jonas is still nowhere to be seen."
"Don't worry," Sam said, "They'll have to come up for breath soon."
Jack covered his ears in disgust and went into the kitchen to make himself a peanut-butter and ham sandwich.
"Uh...Sam?" he asked worriedly.
"Yeah?" she asked.
"Where's the honkin' huge carving knife gone?"
"Oh, shit..."
**********
"It's ten o'clock. The housemates have been searching the Big Brother house to try and find Jonas. So far, they have been unsuccessful."
"Anise! Harry! Could ya stop that a minute and see if Jonas is in there with you?" Jack shouted through the door.
"We don't do that sort of thing, Jack!" Harry shouted proudly.
"AGH!" Jack cried in disgust, running away from the bathroom as fast as he could.
Sam was searching the kitchen top and bottom when Jack returned.
"Find anything?" Jack asked, sitting down on the floor.
"No," she said, "I don't care where he is, but he's got a knife..."
Suddenly, they heard frantic clucking noises from the garden. Harry promptly ran screaming out of the bathroom and picked up the nearest weapon to hand - a French stick.
"Leave them alone!" he shouted in terror, running into the garden stark naked.
"Oh, man!" Jonas shouted in disgust, covering his eyes.
Harry then began to beat Jonas over the head with the French stick, sending bread flying everywhere.
"Bread," Jonas began, "So bland. Would you like some CHICKEN with that?"
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed as he saw the blade of the knife rising into the air, "NNNNNOOOOO!"
He leapt at Jonas and began pounding him with his fists, trying to grab the knife off of him.
"Harry!" Jack shouted, "He'll kill you!"
"He can kill me before he kills Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon!" Harry proclaimed, still beating Jonas.
Jack groaned, and ran for Harry. Grabbing him by the shoulders, he hauled him off of Jonas just before the knife struck him in the back.
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed in terror, as one of the chickens was slain.
"It's okay, Harry," Jack said, trying to reassure him.
"You bastard! You fucking twat!" Harry screamed at him, "You killed them!"
"WHAT?" Jack yelled, "I saved your sorry ass!"
"Jonas!" Sam shouted, "Why the hell are you doing this?"
"I'm hungry," he said, "And seeing as I can't have one thing I want, I'll take the other!"
The knife plunged towards the ground again, and they all flinched.
"Take Sam!" Harry screamed, "Kill her! We don't care!"
"Hey!" Sam shouted, and Jack pushed him over into the grass.
Anise dragged Harry away from the scene of the carnage, and the others ran inside, locking all of the doors securely behind them. Jonas would be trapped outside.
The chicken house was morbidly silent.
**********
"It's day forty-two in the Big Brother house. We can now confirm, with great sadness, that all of the Big Brother chickens are dead."
Harry was inconsolable. He locked himself in his bedroom and cried into the bedsheets, not even allowing Anise to comfort him.
"As a mark of respect for our fallen feathered friends, Big Brother will not broadcast today."
**********
"It's day forty-three in the Big Brother house. We have asked the housemates to nominate two of their fellow housemates for eviction on Friday, and give their reasons. Anise is first."
"Hello Anise. Your first nomination?"
"Jonas. His act of violence on Sunday was too terrible to repeat, and he has shocked Harry to the core. That sort of grief should be inflicted upon nobody but Sam Carter."
"Ookay. And your second nomination?"
"Sam, because she's competition where Jack is concerned."
"Thank you, Anise. Could you send Harry in please?"
"Well, that could be a problem, but he asked me to give you his nominations."
"Hmm. Okay then. Harry's first nomination?"
"Jonas, obviously."
"And Harry's second nomination?"
"Sara, for being very boring."
"Thank you. Could you send Jack in please?"
**********
"Jack, your first nomination?"
"Jonas, for the chicken thing. That was just wrong."
"And your second nomination?"
"Anise, because she's becoming a real kiss-ass and I'm afraid that she's going to try and jump me."
"Thank you, Jack. Now, we're going live to the garden for Jonas' nominations."
**********
"Jonas, your first nomination?"
"Sara, because she's real boring and hasn't killed anything."
"And your second nomination?"
"Anise, because she's plotting to kill my baby, and nobody can do that except me."
"Thank you, Jonas. Now we're going back to the house for Malcolm's nominations."
**********
"Malcolm, your first nomination?"
"Jonas, for maiming me and bodging it, and the chicken thing on Sunday."
"And your second nomination?"
"Sara. She's not a team player, and we need that in this house. It's starting to get more like Survivor."
"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"
**********
"Sam, your first nomination?"
"Jonas, for maiming Malcolm and killing the chickens."
"And your second nomination?"
"Anise, because she's trying to kill me."
"Thank you, Sam. Could you send Sara in please?"
**********
"Sara, your first nomination?"
"Jonas, for obvious reasons."
"And your second nomination?"
"Anise. She's being a total bitch and I don't like her any more."
"Thank you, Sara."
**********
"I can now reveal that the three housemates up for eviction on Friday are..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"In alphabetical order..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"Anise..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"Jonas..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"And..."
(Stupidly long pause)
"Sara."
**********
"It's day forty-four in the Big Brother house. Anise has given up on helping Harry, Malcolm and Jack are fighting and Sam is asleep."
"Give me that!" Malcolm shouted, tugging at the yoghurt in Jack's hand.
"It's mine!" Jack squealed, pulling it back towards him.
"Damn you, O'Neill, give me the yoghurt!" Malcolm hollered.
"NO!" Jack protested, giving the yoghurt another tug.
Unfortunately, the packaging wasn't very strong and the two men ended up wearing it between them.
Jack started to cry.
**********
"It's day forty-five in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night, and Anise has another dastardly plan up her sleeve."
She sat in the bath with her glass of champagne, smiling. She would separate Sam and Jack yet. She wouldn't be evicted tomorrow - the public loved her too much!
With a cackle of laughter she took another sip of champagne and laid back, just a bit too far because she went under the water and spilt her champagne in the bathtub.
"Damn!"
**********
"It's day forty-six in the Big Brother house. It's Friday night - it's EVICTION NIGHT!"
"Housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the seventh person to be evicted from Stargate Big Brother is...."
(Okay, here goes another hideously long pause. This one, you could probably travel up to Glastonbury, spend three days there for the festival, come back and still not know who the winner was.)
"Sara."
Everyone inside the house booed. Why was Sara getting evicted when Jonas had murdered the chickens and maimed Malcolm?
"Sara, you have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes...I'M COMING TO GET YOU!"
Sara said her goodbyes to the housemates, receiving a warm hug from Jack.
"Good luck," she said with a smile, as she made her way to the stairs.
"Five...four...three...two...one...SARA, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. SARA, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."
Sara stepped out of the house to a mass of cheering.
"Join me after the break for an interview with week 7's evictee - SARA!"
**********
Back inside the house, Jack decided that it was time to talk to Anise.
"Uh...Anise?" he said, "Could I have a word?"
"Sure," she said, smiling seductively and walking over to him. They stood by the doors to the garden, with the other housemates well out of earshot.
"Well, I...I don't know how you feel about me, but..."
"I love you," she whispered, "And I know you love me too."
"Ah, well," Jack began, but was cut off when she kissed him.
Anise opened her eyes and tried not to smile when Sam walked around the corner and saw them. She choked back a sob and stood there for a moment, unable to believe her eyes.
"Sam!" Jack shouted desperately, "It's not - "
She turned around with tears in her eyes and started to walk away from him. Jack ran after her and touched her arm, trying to turn her around.
"Leave me alone," she said, wrenching her arm away and going into her bedroom, locking the door behind her and leaving him standing outside the door, alone.
TO BE CONTINUED...
**********
Next time: "It's day forty-seven in the Big Brother house. Anise's evil plan to split up Sam and Jack has worked, and Harry is holding an official funeral for the chickens."
