Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 8

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day forty-seven in the Big Brother house. Sam is not speaking to Jack or Anise. Harry is holding an official funeral for the chickens, and Jonas is plotting on going out with a bang. Oh yeah, and Sam and Anise have a massive bitch fight.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 8 ~

Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth

**********

IMPORTANT: My email address is changing samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk is NO LONGER ACTIVE. My new address is jm-webmistress@fsmail.net Please update your bookmarks accordingly. Thank you.

**********

"It's day forty-seven in the Big Brother house. Last night, after Sara was evicted, Anise kissed Jack in front of Sam. Anise is now in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."

"Hello Anise."

"Hello Big Brother."

"How do you feel your evil scheming plot has worked?"

"Oh," Anise said, her mouth curling in a snide smile, "I think it's worked very well indeed."

"Yes, we can safely say that Jack and Sam are NOT TALKING."

"I am the queen of evil plans! Now JACK WILL BE MINE! MAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Yes...any idea of how Jonas is doing? Our other evil planner?"

"I really prefer not to talk to him - he's a bit of a psycho, really," Anise said, twisting her hands together.

"Naw. He's just like you, but more physically violent."

"Yes. I enjoy mental torture. He he he..."

"Thank you Anise. Who do you think will be evicted this week?"

"Sam."

"No, not who would you LIKE to be evicted this week, who WILL be evicted this week?"

"Well, I think Jonas is on his way out, but if not - Sam is!"

"Thank you for this most interesting conversation, Anise."

**********

"It's three o'clock. Harry is still in mourning for Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon. Anise is in the pool with him. Jonas is still locked in a cage outside for his crimes against the chickens. Malcolm is indoors with Sam, trying to make supper."

"So...what does the recipe say next?"

"Well...it...uh..." Malcolm turned the book in all directions and got flour all over it.

Sam giggled. "Give me that," she said, taking the book from him and promptly dropping it in a pan of tomato soup, splashing them both with it.

"Agh!" Malcolm said, jerking away from the stove and realising that he looked like the orange man from the Tango adverts.

"Sorry!" Sam said, wiping the soup out of her eyes and trying not to laugh even more.

At that moment, Jack came into the kitchen. He saw Malcolm and let out a guffaw.

"Ha! What the hell do you look like, yoghurt boy?" he cackled, sitting down on the arm of the couch.

"I'm gonna have a shower," Malcolm said between gritted teeth, "You know where I am if you need me."

Sam turned her back on Jack and began to wash the soup off of her hands. Jack regained his composure and went over to Sam.

He tried to put his hand on her shoulder but she flinched away.

"Sam..."

"Leave me alone, Colonel."

"Colonel? You must be real mad at me." Jack said, putting his hands in his pockets and looking at the floor.

"Mad? No...I just caught you playing tonsil hockey with Anise when I thought that we were finally going somewhere - I'm not mad."

"Sam! Listen to me! She kissed me - not the other way around! You've gotta believe me!"

"Even if that's true - you sure looked like you were enjoying it," Sam said, leaving the kitchen and heading for the bathroom.

**********

"It's 10 o'clock. Jack is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."

"Hello Jack."

"Hello Big Brother."

"Jack, we've called you here to tell you that we're awarding you a second strike."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"For trying to apologise to Sam! For goodness' sake, Jack! If there's some REAL angst in the house, it'll make for more interesting viewing! You're not supposed to go around apologising to everybody you piss off!"

"She's my friend! I'm such a jackass that I keep hurting her TOTALLY without meaning to! I will not just stand by and let her be so upset, if you don't mind!"

"BUT WE DO MIND! Jack, Jack, come down off of your moral high horse and realise that this is just a game show. Once this is over and the £70,000 prize money has been won, you can go back to your normal lives and apologise and kiss each other's asses. For now: YOU ARE IN BIG BROTHER! ACT LIKE IT!"

Jack frowned at the camera, gave it the finger, and left the diary room.

"That's more like it!"

**********

"It's day forty-eight in the Big Brother house. Jonas has finally been allowed out of his cage, 1 week after the chicken incident. Today, Harry is holding a funeral for them. He doesn't know it yet, but Jonas will be in attendance."

Harry straightened his tie and sniffed. He would do right by his feathered friends - give them the send-off they deserved.

He stood up in front of the other housemates, on a podium crudely constructed from three chairs stacked on top of each other.

"My friends, we are here today to mourn the passing of Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon," he said, wiping a tear from his eye as he looked down at the three shoeboxes serving as coffins. One was a box for Adidas trainers, the second for Clark's male shoes, size 11, and the third for Budgen's Baked Beans Box.

"They made our lives here complete. They..." he sniffed, "They brightened up our day..."

"They flavoured our bread!" Someone shouted from the audience. Harry ignored it, and continued.

"I would like to read this passage in honor of our friends," Harry said.

"B-"

Someone from the audience threw a bread roll at Harry, and got it in his mouth.

"Pff! Whoever did that, can I ask you to show some respect!" Harry shouted,

spitting breadcrumbs on the ground, being careful to avoid the coffins.

"Respect?" Jonas asked, finally standing up so that Harry could see him, "I hain't got none!"

Harry turned red. "I shall fulfil their final wish in bringing their cold-hearted killer to justice!"

With that, he got down off of the podium and advanced towards Jonas menacingly.

"Ooh!" Jonas squealed, "I love a bitch fight!"

Harry let out a war cry and threw himself at Jonas, producing a pocketknife from his pocket (funny thing, that g) and stabbing him in the shoulder.

"Harry!" Jack shouted, getting up from his seat and running over to the fight, "Harry, get off of him!"

Sam watched as Jack tried to wrestle the knife off of Harry, only to be stabbed in the arm. He fell in slow motion to the ground and rolled over into a bush.

"Jack!" Sam shouted, jumping out of her chair and running over to him, pulling him out of the bush. "Jack!"

She pulled the sleeve of his shirt up and surveyed the wound - it wasn't deep, and Jack was more in shock than anything.

Anise watched with a curled lip. Dammit, she hadn't anticipated Harry going spazzo like this. She got up and walked silkily over to the bunfight between Harry and Jonas.

"Harry," she said, "Harry, is this really what they would have wanted?" she asked, gently touching his face and trying not to shudder.

He looked up at her, dropped the knife on the floor and started to cry. Anise pulled him into her arms and tried to comfort him as best she could, but she gritted her teeth as she felt him wiping his nose on her dress.

Jonas quickly picked up the knife and pocketed it, disappearing back into the house. Malcolm helped Sam to get Jack back inside and tend to his wound.

**********

"It's 10 o'clock. Harry and Jack are asleep. Jonas is outside in the garden, doing something highly suspicious."

Sam gently slid open the door and looked out into the night. Why the hell was she doing this?

"Jonas?" she asked, looking around her. "Jonas?"

He appeared suddenly out of the shadows, making her jump.

"Dammit, Jonas you scared me!"

"You don't need to be afraid of me, Sammie," he said, his eyes glowing, "I won't hurt you."

Sam swallowed and took a tentative step closer to him.

"I...uh...you were stabbed earlier - are you okay?" she asked.

Jonas laughed. "Me? I'm a thick-skinned f*cker, it hardly even hurt!"

Sam could see the blood still staining his shirt, and against her better judgement, she took a step closer.

"Let me see it," she said.

"Sam, if you wanted me to take my shirt off..."

"Jonas! Shut up, and let me look at it."

He grinned as he took his shirt off. Sam focussed her attention studiously on his wound as he let it fall to the ground.

"It looks like it might be infected," she said, "Come inside - I've got to clean that."

She raised her eyes to meet his and swallowed again.

"Jonas."

He lifted his hand and ran it gently down her face.

"You're beautiful," he breathed, stroking a finger down her cheek.

"Jonas, get your hand off of me," Sam said calmly, though her heart began to pound erratically.

"You like it really," he said.

From inside the house, Anise stood with her arms folded and smiled wickedly.



Then, she went into the bedroom to wake Jack.

"Jonas, please..."

He tipped her head up gently and kissed her, his other arm sliding around her waist.

Inside, Jack's mouth fell open in horror and betrayal. He swallowed, and found Anise's hand squeezing his.

"I told you she was trouble," Anise said softly, winding her fingers around his own, "Come on. Forget about her."

"Are you done?" Sam asked, fighting the tears that threatened to break from her eyes.

"I'm done," he said, "For now."

She turned around and led him back into the house, just in time to see Jack disappearing with Anise's hand in his. She bit her lip. Godammit!

**********

"It's day forty-nine in the Big Brother house. The ongoing war between Jack, Anise, Sam and Jonas is coming to a head. Harry is burying the chickens in a private ceremony, and Malcolm is trying to make some more yoghurt."

Sam sat down on the couch opposite Jack, pretending that she was shelling the peas in her lap.

"Did you enjoy it?" Jack asked, without looking up at her.

She put the peas down. "Excuse me?"

"Jonas swallowing you last night?" Jack snapped.

The colour drained from Sam's face. "Jack, I..."

"You're a hypocrite!" he shouted, "Going on about how you can't trust me, then trying to shag your ex behind my back!"

"Nothing happened!" Sam said defensively.

"No, no of course not, he just wasn't wearing a shirt and one thing led to another..."

The slap cut off his sentence.

Sam stood in front of him, red with anger and shame.

"It looks like we're both as bad as each other then, doesn't it?"

With that, she got up and left the couch.

"DAMN!" Malcolm shouted from the kitchen.

"Would you shut up?" Jack shouted back.

"NO!" Malcolm said, "Godammit, Jack, you don't own this house! I don't take orders from you!"

"Can it, yoghurt boy!" Jack snarled, standing up and walking into the kitchen.

Malcolm threw an egg at him.

"Oh, that is it!" Jack growled, wiping the yolk out of his eye. "Now it's war!"

**********

Harry came back inside and sat down, catching only snippets of the conversation from the kitchen.

"Don't you put that egg there!"

"Leave that alone!"

"MY GOD, JACK! DON'T TAKE THAT OFF!"

(Wet, splatting sound)

"AAGGHH!"

"Aw, now I'm all sticky!"

Harry frowned, and decided that it was probably a good idea for him not to turn around. Instead, he picked up the peas that Sam had discarded and threw them over his shoulder.

He smiled victoriously when he heard a cry of pain from the direction of the kitchen.

"What was that?"

"I didn't throw it!"

"AAAGGGHHH!"

"However, I did do that."

**********

"It's day fifty in the Big Brother house. Today is nomination day."

"Anise, your first nomination?"

"Sam, because she's been absolutely horrible to Jack and I hate her - she's a bitch!"

"And your second nomination?"

"Jonas, because he's a psychopath!"

"Thank you, Anise. Could you send Harry in please?"

**********

"Harry, your first nomination?"

"Jonas, because he...he...killed the chickens!"

"And your second nomination?"

"Malcolm, because he's a trumped-up posh git."

"Thank you, Harry. Could you send Jack in please?"

**********

"Jack, your first nomination?"

"Sam."

(Long silence)

"Ooh! Why?"

"Why do you think? Big Brother, you're getting a perverse amount of pleasure out of my misery, you know."

"You have to tell us."

"Because of what she did with Jonas, after having the nerve to get on at me."

"And your second nomination?"

"Jonas, because he's an evil, evil man."

"Thank you, Jack. Could you send Malcolm in please?"

**********

"Malcolm, your first nomination?"

"Jonas, because he's a danger to us all."

"And your second nomination?"

"Harry, because he makes warthogs look clean."

"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"

**********

"Sam, your first nomination?"

"Jack."

"Ooh! You know, he nominated you as well!"

"He did?"

"Hell, yah! Why are you nominating him?"

"Because of everything that's happened, what with him and Anise..."

"And your second nomination?"

"Anise, because she's manipulating Jack and he doesn't know it."

"Thank you, Sam."

**********

"I can now reveal that there are FOUR housemates up for eviction this week! They are..."

(Stupidly long pause)

"In alphabetical order..."

(Stupidly long pause)

"Anise..."

(Stupidly long pause)

"Jack..."

(Stupidly long pause)

"Jonas..."

(Stupidly long pause)

"And..."

(Stupidly long pause)

"Sam."

**********

"It's day fifty-one in the Big Brother house. Jack and Malcolm are having a fight with some low-fat yoghurt."

"Take that, yoghurt boy!" Jack said, flinging a spoonful at Malcolm's face.

"You are becoming very tiring and predictable," Malcolm said, getting a handful of yoghurt out of the pot, eating half of it, and throwing the other half at Jack.

"Let's up the stakes then, shall we?" Jack asked, pulling a full-fat yoghurt from the fridge and pulling the top off in a very macho manner.

"You do not scare me," Malcolm said, "For I have a TRIFLE!"

Jack's mouth fell open. "YOU FIEND! THIS IS A YOGHURT FIGHT!"

"Not any more!" he said delightedly, pulling the top off and priming his spoon.

"AAAAGGGGHHHH!"

"He he he - waaaaah!"

"The power is still in the yoghurt, yoghurt-boy!" Jack snarled, "For mine has FRUIT PIECES!"

Malcolm choked and tried to pull the blackberry out of his nose.

**********

"It's day fifty-two. Anise and Sam are about to have a massive bitching contest. It's gonna be good!"

Anise folded her arms and smiled.

"You are such a bitch!" she smirked, playing with her hair.

"TOK'RA TRAMP!" Sam countered, throwing a cushion at her.

"Jack deserves better than you!" Anise said, picking up a stapler and throwing it at Sam's head. She only just avoided it.

"What, like you? Don't make me laugh! You've had more rides than my bike!"

Anise's face darkened. "At least I have - your face must put most men off!"

"Damn you!" Sam shouted, "You're nothing but a WHORE!" She picked up a cheese grater and threw it at Anise.

Anise lept at Sam and began pounding her. Sam fought back, grabbing a fistful of Anise's hair and pulling, hard.

At that moment, Harry came out and squealed delightedly.

"OOH! BITCH FIGHT! COME LOOK COME LOOK! GO ON, ANISE - BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER!"

Malcolm came running from the kitchen, sneezing the blackberry out of his nose and across the floor.

"GO ON SAM! POUND THE TOK'RA BITCH!"

Sam kicked out at Anise and managed to stand up, but Anise kicked her back to the floor again.

"Get off of my hair, you lying cow!" Anise screeched.

Jonas entered the room and grinned widely.

"Go on, Sammie! Beat her to a pulp!"

Sam groaned and rolled over onto her front, slamming her fist into Anise's nose.

"ACK!"

"Go on, baby! I know you can beat her!"

"WHOO! Go Anise, Go Anise!"

"Gimme an S!"

Anise stood up (with difficulty) and kicked Sam in the ribs with her pointy heels, making her roll over onto her side.

"Aww!" Anise said, "Does that hurt, bitch?"

Sam gritted her teeth and licked the blood from her lower lip, lurching to her feet and slamming Anise back into the wall.

"WHOOO!"

"GO SAM! GO SAM!"

"Gimme an A!"

"POUND HER, ANISE! POUND HER!"

"Does it hurt now?" Sam asked, her fists tightening on Anise's designer shirt.

"You're creasing my shirt!" Anise screamed, throwing Sam back down on the floor.

Sam picked up the nearest object to hand...a spoon...and attacked Anise with it, twisting it around in her hair.

"My hair!"

Sam flipped Anise over and was soon looking down on her.

"Vanity isn't good in a fight!" she grinned.

"At least I'm not ugly!" Anise countered, reaching up and slapping Sam around the face.

"Gimme an M! What have you got? SAM!"

"GO ON SAM! BEAT HER UP!"

"ANISE! ANISE! ANISE!"

Jack entered the room then, and stood watching them for a moment with his hands on his hips. Sam managed to slam Anise into the wall again, and she could feel Jack's eyes burning into her back.

"Typical, typical Sam," he said, "Why do you have to try and solve everything with a confrontation?"

Jonas growled. "You leave her the hell alone."

"What are ya gonna do?" Jack asked, "Kill me like you did the chickens?"

"I wouldn't waste my time!" Jonas snarled.

Anise took her opportunity and pushed Sam roughly to the floor, kicking her repeatedly in the ribs.

"She was terrible, Jack," Anise said, pulling the spoon out of her hair. "Really bad."

**********

"IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT! IT'S EVICTION NIGHT! I CAN NOW REVEAL THAT THE EIGHTH PERSON TO BE EVICTED FROM STARGATE BIG BROTHER 2003 IS..."

(Hideously long pause during which you could watch the entire Godfather trillogy (twice) and then go on to Lord of the Rings, and when you'd finished 'Return of the King,' you still wouldn't know who'd been evicted.)

"JONAS!"

The housemates cheered.

"Jonas, you have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes...I'm coming to get you!"

Jonas pulled Sam into a corner and whispered in her ear.

"Sammie...get out of this house."

"What?" she asked.

"You have to get out of this house by 11pm."

"Why? Jonas, what the hell have you done?"

"FIVE...FOUR..."

"I'm going out with a bang, baby," he grinned, pulling her closer for a final kiss. "Get out of here."

"ONE...JONAS, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. JONAS, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE..."

Jonas pulled his hand away from hers and walked up the steps, getting outside to loud booing. He grinned widely and took a bow.

"Thank you, everybody. Join me soon for an interview with week 8's evictee - JONAS!"

Back in the house, the colour drained from Sam's face. She had just 90 minutes to get out of the house.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Next time: Jonas on life in the Big Brother house, killing the chickens, Sam and why he hated everyone so much.