Title: Big Brother Stargate - Jonas's Interview

Rating: PG

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: Jonas on life in the Big Brother house, killing the chickens, Sam and why he hated everyone so much.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.

~ Big Brother Stargate - Jonas's Interview ~

By Ruth

'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth

**********

"Hello everybody, I'm here with week 8's evictee - JONAS!"

(Loud booing from audience)

"No-good chicken lovers!" Jonas replied.

(Even louder booing)

"Okay, okay people! Let's calm it down! So, Jonas, nice to have you here with us. Did you enjoy your time in the house?"

"Hugely. It was a blast, something I never thought I'd say."

"Why is that?"

"Your ratings are almost dropping through the floor. I brought them back up again."

(Coughs in embarassment) "Yes, well. What did you enjoy doing best in the house?"

"I enjoyed...being with some of the people inside, winding them up, getting them to behave irrationally..."

"Like Sam, for example?"

"Yes, like Sam."

"How did the two of you meet?"

"Ya see, this is the sort of stuff you don't want to ask me. It's too nice. You want to ask me how and why we broke up, but I wouldn't tell you anyway."

"I see...so, who did you like other than Sam in the house?"

"Harry. He was a total drip, and sooo easy to wind up. I also thought Malcolm was quite funny, with his yoghurt addiction and everything..."

"And who did you not get on with in the house? You do realise that everybody in the house completely hated you?"

"Yes, that was my intention. Not everybody hated me. I really didn't like Jack, or Anise - she was totally freaking me out with her advances."

"What about Janet?"

"Janet? Well, I didn't see much of her. She left the week after I got there, and she pretty much stayed out of my way, so yeah - I liked her."

"What was your favourite moment whilst you were inside the house?"

"I thoroughly enjoyed defrosting Malcolm on the barbecue, and my horror movies parody was quite good."

"Now, we're moving onto a very sensitive subject here, Jonas. A lot of the viewers were highly distressed when you killed the chickens. This is your chance to redeem yourself."

"I did it because I was bored and we had no decent food. I mean, if Harry hadn't gone and named the f*cking things, there wouldn't have been a problem, would there?"

(Loud booing from audience)

"SHUT UP! None of you b*stards have been inside that house, so none of you know properly what it's like! Bunch of hypocrites!"

(Booing)

"Ookay, let's move on again. Why did you hate everyone in the house so much?"

"What? I didn't hate them! They just annoyed me! You're twisting my words!"

"No, I merely..."

"You are! You're twisting my words! You're making me out to be some totally evil person when I'm not!!"

"You are, Jonas."

"GODAMMIT!!"

(Jonas begins to smash up the studio in a fit of mad rage. Interviewer gets up and runs for her life.)

"You'll be sorry! You'll all be SORRY!"

(Audience gets up and runs for their lives)

"AH!"

Jonas sits down in the remains of the studio, sighs, takes out a cigarette and lights it.

"Just one hour left, Sammie," he said dreamily, "Get out of there whilst you still can."

He paused for a moment, and let out an indignant grunt.

"HEY! Why don't I get a 'best moments' video? DAMN YOU ALL!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

Next time:

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I really need to tell you something, Jack..."

"Oh yeah? Well, I don't wanna hear it!"

Sam laughed nervously. "Oh, I think you do..."