Title: Big Brother Stargate - Jonas' Surprise

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: Jonas is gone, but he's left the housemates something to play with...

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.

~ Big Brother Stargate - Jonas' Surprise ~

Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth

**********

"Jonas has just been evicted from the house. Sam has just one hour left to warn the other housemates before Jonas' terrible prophecy is fulfilled - even though we don't actually know what it is yet."

Sam paced around the couch area, looking at her watch. She had to let the others know - but they were very hard to round up together. Anise and Harry were up to something dodgy in the bathroom, Jack was outside with the empty chicken house, Malcolm was eating yoghurt, and she was by the couch, on her own.

Biting her lip, she decided that Jack was probably the best person to try and talk to - even though they hated each other. She slid open the door and stepped out into the night. She knew that he knew she was there, and felt hurt when he didn't turn around. He just stood there and did nothing.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He asked suddenly. Sam was taken aback.

"I really need to tell you something, Jack..." she began.

"Oh yeah? Well, I don't wanna hear it!" He replied angrily.

Sam laughed nervously. "Oh, I think you do..."

"What? What can you possibly have to tell me?" He asked, reeling round and glaring at her.

"We need to get out of this house," she said, "Jonas has done something..."

"Oh, oh, and of course he would have told you!" Jack snapped. "Sam - he's trying to ruin this for us! I mean, seriously - not that there's much left to ruin - what could he possibly have done?"

"Jack, please-" Sam began, but he was obviously in no mood to talk.

"I don't want to hear it - you can run on back to him when we get out of here."

With that, he was gone from the garden, back inside the house. She stood outside for a moment, listening to the sounds of the night, but turned her back on it and went back inside. She had to warn the others - she couldn't just run off and leave them!

She went and sat on the couch beside Malcolm, who was just finishing a yoghurt.

He put the pot down and looked at her.

"Trouble?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah," she replied, leaning further back into the couch and closing her eyes.

"Wanna talk about it?" he probed.

"We...Malcolm, this is going to sound so stupid..."

"Go on," he said, looking at her worriedly.

"Well...Jonas has done something - he warned me to get out of the house before 11pm or something's going to happen."

"What could he have done?" Malcolm asked, "Shit! It's 10:15pm!"

"I know. I tried to talk to Jack, but he wouldn't listen to me!"

Suddenly, there was a piercing shriek from the direction of the bathroom - and not from Anise.

"OH MY GOD!" It was definitely Harry.

Malcolm and Sam got up from the couch and ran to the bathroom - where Harry was standing, stark naked.

"Agh!" Malcolm cried, and covered his eyes.

"Put some damned clothes on!" Jack grumbled, appearing from the corner.

"B..b...b..." Harry stuttered.

"What?" Sam asked, "Harry, what is it?"

"IT'S A BOMB!" he yelled, shrieking and hurling himself at Anise, who found it very difficult to control her disgust.

"Where?" Sam asked, "Show me - where?"

"It's in there!" Harry wailed, "In the toilet!"

Sam looked in the toilet, and back up at Harry in distaste.

"Harry, that's not a bomb."

"For crying out loud," Jack moaned, leaving the hallway.

**********

"It's 10:30pm. We've refused the housemates exit from the house, even though there may be an explosive device in the house. We want to see how it pans out."

They were all searching for the bomb. Where could it be? They looked behind cushions, under the couch, under the table, in the oven, in the bedrooms - but they found nothing.

"Where would Jonas have hidden it?" Sam asked, "Think. Where would he most like to - oh my God!"

"The chicken house!" Malcolm cried, and ran after her, "Sam! Don't touch anything!"

Harry ran out ahead of Sam and squealed. (This could have been because he was outside stark naked at 10:30pm, or because of what he'd just seen in the chicken house.)

"Harry!" Sam hollered, "Would you put some clothes on??"

"IT'S A BOMB!" he screamed in terror, "A REAL BOMB!"

"Everybody get back!" Sam shouted, "Get the fuck away from it!"

"What about you?" Malcolm asked, attempting to hold Harry back but failing because it wasn't a nice job.

Sam gingerly opened the chicken house door. Harry screamed, and everyone jumped.

"Get him out of here!" Sam said, "If he makes me jump at the wrong moment..."

Malcolm hauled Harry back inside, kicking and screaming. They went into the diary room to plea for help from Big Brother.

"Hello Malcolm. Hello Harry."

"B...b....b...b..."

"Big brother, there's a very serious problem here," Malcolm said, watching as Harry writhed on the floor.

"B...b...b...b..."

"What is it, Malcolm?"

"Well - we've found a bomb. All housemates need immediate evacuation."

"Ha! A bomb! Good old Jonas - knew we could count on him. Yeah, so what?"

"B...b...b...b..."

"What? You knew? You knew, and you didn't warn us?" Malcolm spluttered.

"Of course we knew! We're Big Brother, ya know! It's a bomb, deal with it!"

"WHAT?" Malcolm exploded, "WE COULD DIE IN HERE!"

"Yeah, sure, you betcha."

"Fuck you, Big Brother, Fuck you!" Malcolm said, dragging Harry out of the diary room.

**********

"What did they say?" Jack asked, watching Sam as she got closer to the bomb.

"Deal with it," Malcolm replied dryly, running a hand through his hair, "What is wrong with them?"

"They actually said that?" Jack sighed, "I am SO gonna sue their asses when I get outta here."

"You mean...if...we get outta here," Malcolm added.

"If. Yeah, if. We'll get out of here - Carter's good at figuring these things out."

Sam opened the top of the bomb and flinched as it made a small clicking noise.



Nothing happened. Inside, there were three wires. One red, one black, and one yellow.

"Which one do you cut?" Harry asked, clutching his face in terror.

"The red one!" Anise shouted.

"The black one!" Jack said.

"The yellow one!" Malcolm suggested.

"Shut up! All of you! I'm not cutting anything as long as you're all standing there gawping at me!" Sam said.

They all took a step back.

The minute Sam turned back to the bomb, they took a step forwards again.

"I still think you should cut the red one." Anise said quietly. Sam's blood began to boil.

"Please. I need quiet."

"Oh dear," Anise goaded, "Can't concentrate?"

Sam stood up and calmly smashed her fist into Anise's nose. Anise fell back onto the ground in shock, and Sam turned back to the bomb.

"Now I can," she said, pulling a nail file out of her pocket. "No, that won't do. Does anybody have a knife?" she asked.

"KNIFE? AAAGGGHHH!" Harry screamed, running into Jack's arms and squealing.

Malcolm took out a pocketknife (no, I don't know how it got there) and tossed it over to Sam.

She took the black wire in her hand, and edged the knife closer.

"OH MY GOD!" Harry screamed, "WE'RE ALL GONNA..."

She cut through it. Nothing happened. The bomb kept on ticking - they had just 10 minutes left.

Sam blew out a deep breath. Just one more wire - but which one? They could all die...

"I...I...which one?" She asked, holding the knife limply in her hand.

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Harry screeched. Malcolm groaned, picked up a garden chair, and hit Harry around the head with it. That shut him up.

"Well...you've got red...or yellow..." Jack began, feeling a sense of hopelessness fill him. They could die.

Him - Sam - dead. The thought flowed around and around in his head. They'd both die - and she'd never know how sorry he felt.

He got up and ran to Sam, embracing her in a fierce hug.

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling her closer, "God, Sam, I'm so sorry."

"Me too," she replied, laying her head on his chest. "I'm sorry too. I love you, Jack."

"I love you too."

"You know, thish romanthic shtuff ish all very shweet, but we do have a more preshing problem here," Anise said, holding her bleeding nose.

Sam took Jack's hand, and picked up the pliers with the other. She looked up at him again.

"Try the yellow one," he said, softly stroking a hand through her hair.

She gingerly neared the yellow wire - and cut it. Still, nothing happened. The counter was now down to 5 minutes.

"What's happening?" Malcolm asked, "Why hasn't it stopped?"

"We're all going tho die," Anise said, "Ah, well. Thish wash nihce whilsht it lashted."

Sam got up and moved away from the bomb, Jack beside her.

"I should have been able to stop it," she said tearfully, "I'm sorry."

"What about the red wire?" Malcolm asked.

"If I cut that one, the bomb will detonate for sure," Sam replied, pulling herself closer to Jack.

"Oh, man!" Malcolm said, "Well, thanks Sam. You've been an amazing friend."

"You too," she replied.

2 minutes left.

Jack leant down and placed a kiss on Sam's lips, pulling his arms tighter around her.

Anise stood up.

"I juhst want you to know - before we die - that I think you're a total bitch - and I hate your hair - itsh shtupid! In fact, you are jhust totally shtupid. Malcolm - you have a nice assh. Given time, I would have bitten it for you."

Malcolm almost shrieked in terror.

1 minute left.

Unfortunately, Harry woke up.

"OH MY GOD! WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE MINUTE LEFT TO LIVE! OH MY GOD!"

"Harry, shuht up!" Anise said, pulling him into her arms, "We're all going togesher."

10 seconds left.

9...

"Your nose is bleeding!"

"I know shat!"

8...

7...

"I love you!"

"I love you too."

6...

5...

"Thank God I ate that blueberry yoghurt. My god, that was worth it.

4...

3...

2...

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"

1...

**********

BANG!

**********

TO BE CONTINUED...

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Meh. I'm evil. You love it really. Feedback, anyone?