Title: Big Brother Stargate - The Bomb(shell)

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: So. The bomb. Thought things couldn't get any worse?? You thought wrong.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier. This chapter makes no sense at all - and if you don't know what maltesars are, email me.

~ Big Brother Stargate -The Bomb(shell) ~

Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth

**********

"It's day...something...in the Big Brother house. A bomb has just gone off in the garden. We're lovin' it!!"

As the smoke subsided, and began to drift away into the night, a few things became apparent.

One: There were suddenly five pheasants running around the garden, squawking angrily.

Two: Harry had somehow lost his pants in the explosion, and one of said pheasants was wearing them as a hat.

Three: There also appeared to be a large, square box tied up with a bow where the chicken house had once been.

One thing that wasn't certain, however, was whether the housemates were alive or in a parallel dream world, or just plain dead.

**********

When Sam opened her eyes, she found herself standing inside of the Big Brother house, behind the doors. She could see a large box tied up with a pink ribbon and bow, standing in the middle of the garden. What could be in it? She thought. She walked up to the glass and tried to slide the door out of the way, but failed. It was stuck, and wouldn't budge.

When she looked down, she saw that it was jammed up with black treacle. Frowning, she went into the kitchen and got a spatula out of the utensil pot. She went over to the door and began working the black treacle out of the door, grimacing as it pooled thick around her feet.

She became alarmed when the flow of treacle increased and was soon at her knees. What the devil was going on? Surely there wasn't enough treacle to fill the entire Big Brother house!! She turned around sluggishly to see that indeed, the whole Big Brother house WAS filling up with black treacle - she was going to drown!

"AAAGGGHHH!" She yelled, and tried to swim through the gluggy substance. She failed, and felt herself being pulled under the writhing lake of blackness.

"Nnnnooooo!" she said, as her head disappeared underneath the surface.

**********

Harry woke up to hear a scream of "Nnnnnnoooooooo!" He rubbed his head, and quickly realised that his pants were gone. He was sitting in the Big Brother kitchen, and scattered around him were thousands of packets of cheese and onion crisps. He frowned. What was going on?

He leant a hand down to pick up the packets when he heard a rustling noise from behind him. He spun around on the floor, his lack of pants making it easier. He saw nothing.

With a small grunt, he dug around in the rubbish to pull out another packet of crisps - still cheese and onion flavour - and ripped open the bag, stuffing the crisps greedily into his mouth, sending bits of crisp flying everywhere. He was an extremely messy eater.

He heard a rustling noise again - this time it was closer. He frowned, and stuffed the last handful of cheese and onion crisps into his mouth. He turned around and squealed in fright, spraying bits of crisps everywhere.

Standing behind him was the most enormous packet of crisps he had ever seen - and it looked very annoyed. It's 'I' narrowed and it began to chomp it's jaws menacingly, salivating.

Harry realised suddenly that in a terrible twist of irony, the crisps were going to eat him.

"AAAGGGGHHH!" He ran out of the kitchen, but could hear the packet of crisps hot on his heels. He squealed in fright and ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He thought he was safe - at least for now. Unfortunately, Harry was wrong. The crisps burst through the door, let out a roar of rage, and ate him.

As he was disappearing into the packet's mouth, Harry cried: "I WISH I'D EATEN MALTESARS INSTEAD!!"

**********

"I WISH I'D EATEN MALTESARS INSTEAD!"

Jack grunted and shook his head as he awoke, to find himself sitting in the bedroom. How had he got there? The last thing he remembered, he...

What was that noise?

It was like a repeated thudding, sort of soft and hollow, the way a scone sounds if you tap it on the bottom after you've cooked it.

He rose from the bed, and hid under it, trembling. He was not alone - the strange, hollow creatures were with him. What were they? He did not know. All he knew was that he was scared - and would have given anything for something to eat.

Suddenly, the door opened. He shrank back under the bed and watched, as the strange figures made their way into the room. They were tall and rounded, but had only one leg. They were golden brown in colour, and made crunching noises as they walked. He could hear them talking, in crusty voices.

"He az to be in 'ere zomewhere!" One of them said, with an undeniably french accent.

"Oui - let's see how he likez to be beaten in half!" Another replied.

Jack froze. There were talking french sticks in his bedroom. This was too weird. What was going on??

"Zut! Zere 'e iz! Under the bed! Get 'im!"

"AAAGGGGHHHH!" Jack cried, as one of the french sticks grabbed him by the ankles and dragged him out from under the bed.

"Ow did you like beating Martouf wiz uz?" One of the sticks asked, punching him in the nose.

"Know 'ow it feelz now, don't you?" Another said.

"No, please!" Jack squealed, protesting as he was savaged by the french sticks, "YOGHURT!!"

**********

Malcolm jumped. Yoghurt? Had he just heard the word yoghurt?? My, it would be good to have a yoghurt. He'd not had one in ages.

He headed for the fridge, and was delighted to find that it was stocked full of yoghurts. He pulled out a blueberry one and smiled, ripping off the top and tipping the contents straight into his mouth.

"Mmmm...."

Suddenly, a tidal wave of yoghurt pots fell out of the fridge and buried him alive, in a seemingly endless assault. When they stopped, Malcolm pushed his way back up to the top of the pile and sighed. Phew. That was a close one. He reached for another yoghurt - blueberry flavour - and was about to open it when another, giant yoghurt appeared before him. It really was huge.

Before he could say anything, Malcolm watched as the yoghurt opened it's lid and glared at him.

"Oh my God!" he said, "A talking yoghurt! Aaaggghhh!"

The yoghurt regarded him with distaste for a moment, before it lurched across the pile and swallowed him whole. It even let out a belch of contentment.

**********

Anise awoke to find herself in the garden, lying on the ground as she had done before. She could see the bodies of Sam, Jack, Malcolm and Harry beside her. She sat up and put a hand to her nose, which was throbbing (from where Sam had broken it before the bomb had gone off.) With a grunt of annoyance, she stood up and looked around her.

There were pheasants running around the garden. One of them was wearing Harry's trousers on its head.

She scoffed. "Stupid animal."

She heard Harry grunt and squeal behind her, and cry something about 'no crisps, please don't eat me!'

She also heard another voice, coming from the huge box in the middle of the garden.

"Let me out of here!" it cried angrily, beating at the sides of the box.

Anise went up to the box and undid the bow, revealing a very annoyed man standing in it.

"Who are you?" She asked, looking him up and down.

It's no good, she decided, he's too old.

"What is going on here?" the man asked, looking at the others, who were lying on the ground.

"NO!" Harry shouted suddenly, "CRISPS, PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!"

The man frowned. "Crisps?" he asked Anise. Anise shrugged. That was when Jack interrupted them.

"AAAGGGHHH! STOP THIS TORTURE! I'LL NEVER BEAT MARTOUF WITH A FRENCH STICK AGAIN, AAAGGGHHH!"

The man looked even more confused, but worse was to come from Malcolm.

"AAAGGGHHH! A TALKING YOGHURT! OH, MY GOD!"

The three men thrashed about wildly on the ground, grunting and screaming at various intervals.

The mysterious man frowned again, his eyebrows almost meeting in the middle.

"You obviously require my assistance here," he said, "These people are severely disturbed."

"Damn," Sam muttered in her sleep, "Spatula...stuck - treacle!"

The man cocked his head. What were these people on about? They were talking crazy! Talking yoghurts, treacle, french sticks and crisps?

He knew Big Brother was designed to push people to their mental limits, but this was taking entertainment a little too far.

"I will help these people!" he proclaimed.

"And I'll be at your side!" Anise smirked, hanging off of his arm like a puppy.

**********

All four of them woke up at once, and screamed.

"Oh my God!" Jack cried, "I just had the worst dream!"

"Me too!" Sam replied, "I.."

"I thought I was being drowned in a giant yoghurt!" Malcolm wailed.

"And I was being eaten alive by a packet of cheese and onion crisps!" Harry squealed.

They all suddenly noticed the new addition to the group, and their mouths dropped in horror.

"Please tell me this is all just a part of another bad dream," Jack said.

"Please..." Sam repeated, in monotone.

"I am certainly not a part of one of your paranoid delusions," the figure said, "I am here to get you well again."

"WE'RE DOOMED!" Jack screamed.

"Yes," McKenzie replied, with a sardonic smile.

**********

TO BE CONTINUED...

Author's Note: Sorry that was a bit strange! Feedback?