Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 11

Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day 77 in the Big Brother house. Malcolm is painting a yoghurt mural, Sam, Harry and Jack are making an obstacle course in the garden, Anise is on a quest to seduce McKenzie, and McKenzie is trying to give everyone a mental breakdown. This is good, clean entertainment, people!!

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 11~

Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth

**********

"It's day 77 in the Big Brother house. Dr McKenzie has joined the group, determined to cure them from a series of terrible, twisted dreams."

Sam backed away from McKenzie as he began to walk towards her.

Jack muttered something rude under his breath and followed Sam.

Harry squealed, tripped over a pheasant, and fell headfirst into the swimming pool. This provoked a large amount of laughter from Jack and Malcolm, a snort from Sam, and a little sigh of distaste from Anise, as she hung off of McKenzie's arm.

"Has anyone ever told you how attractive your eyes are?" she asked, fluttering her long lashes at him.

He smiled. "They have now."

Jack shuddered, and walked inside the house, with Sam hot on his heels.

Unfortunately, Harry was quickly following Sam, dripping chlorinated water and leaving wet footprints as he went. Malcolm sighed, looked in disgust at Anise, who was still swooning over Dr McKenzie, and went back inside the house.

"Would Malcolm please come to the diary room?" a voice asked.

Malcolm obediently got up from the couch and went into the diary room, wondering what Big Brother was going to throw at him next.

**********

"Hello Malcolm."

"Hello Big Brother."

"Malcolm, we have made a challenge for you. As you seem to be the only person in the house who is remotely sane, we would like you to redecorate the bedrooms."

"Wow. Why exactly do you want me to do that?"

"Just do it! You'll find paint and brushes in the storeroom - just don't let the others know what you're doing."

Malcolm shrugged. "Well, Anise is chatting up Dr McKenzie, and Jack, Sam and Harry have got pretty close, so I don't think they'll bother me."

"Good. You have eight hours, Malcolm, starting - NOW!"

Malcolm hopped up out of the Big Brother chair and ran into the storeroom to find some paint.

*********

"Would Anise please come to the diary room?"

Anise reluctantly left Dr McKenzie and went back inside, throwing a piece of bread at Sam for good measure.

"Hello Anise."

"Hello Big Brother."

"Anise, we have a challenge for you. In just 8 hours, you must seduce Dr McKenzie and we'd like some graphic stuff, please, it really pulls viewers."

Anise laughed. "Oh, you think it'll take me 8 hours? Really, Big Brother, where is your faith?"

"Good. You and Jonas have been our strongest housemates this year - you've pulled the votes in like I don't know what."

"My challenge will be complete, Big Brother," she promised, and left the diary room.

**********

"Would Sam, Jack and Harry please come to the diary room?"

The three of them reluctantly got up and crammed into the diary room. Harry squealed when Jack tried to take the chair away from him, and threw Jack on the floor.

Muttering obscenities, Jack got up and sat on the arm of the chair, soon regretting this as Harry began to swing it around.

"Sam, Jack, Harry. Your challenges today have to pull more viewers - they must be exciting, funny, brave, courageous, pornographic, etc. Therefore, Big Brother has developed two options for you."

Jack looked at Sam worriedly.

"What options do we have?" he asked.

"Number 1. You have an extremely graphic threesome in the pool."

"AAGGHHH!" Sam screamed, getting up off of the floor and running into the diary room wall, knocking herself out.

"I think that's a no," Jack said, "Dare I ask what number 2 is?"

"Number 2. You create an obstacle course in the garden, using only materials that you can find around the house."

Jack grinned. "That's much better. Why didn't you just ask us to do number 2 in the first place? Why'd you have to bring the threesome into it?"

"Because we wanted to see your reaction," Big Brother replied, with a smirk.

"I thought it was a jolly good idea!" Harry proclaimed jubilantly, "Ever since Anise and I broke up, I've been looking in new directions..."

"AAGGHH!" Jack screamed, getting up off of the floor and running into the diary room wall, knocking himself out.

"You have eight hours, Harry, starting now."

**********

"Would Dr McKenzie please come to the diary room?"

McKenzie got up from beside Anise and went inside, watching with some amusement as Harry dragged Sam and Jack out of the diary room by their feet.

"Hello, Dr McKenzie."

"Hello, Big Brother."

"Doctor, you have 8 hours to severely antagonise each member of the Big Brother house (excluding Anise), to the strongest degree possible. We would like some severe mental torture, please."

"Will do," McKenzie said, rubbing his hands together with glee, "This will be good. I think I'll start with Harry Maybourne."

"Go kick some butt, Doctor!"

"Will do, BB!"

**********

Sam and Jack regained consciousness, and they began collecting materials for their assault course. Harry went into the living room, drunkenly picked up the table and staggered out of the door with it. Unfortunately, the width of the door was inversely proportional to the width of the table, so he ended up breaking the legs off.

"Harry!" Jack moaned, "What are we going to do with a table with no legs?"

"We can make it into a slide!" Harry said, "With washing up liquid to make it slippy!"

"That's an alarmingly good idea for you, Harry," Sam said, positioning a piece of the fence to make a ladder.

"Thank you," Harry replied, putting the table down and heading back to the kitchen for the washing up liquid.

Jack went over to the chicken house, to see if there was anything that he could salvage from it. The house had been empty since Jonas' terrible triple murder, so he supposed it wouldn't do any harm.

The weather was getting warmer, and he fought the urge to take off his shirt.

Sam was, at the same time, fighting the urge to tell Jack to take off his shirt.



She tried to occupy her mind with something else, so she went into the house and into one of the bedrooms, where she was surprised to see Malcolm painting the walls.

"Wow," she said, "Is this your challenge?"

"Yeah," he replied, "How does it look so far?"

"Um...yeah, it looks good," Sam said, wondering what the others would think of bright pink walls with the words: YOGHURTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO on them.

"Thanks," he said, "What have you got to do?"

"We've got to make an assault course out of things we can find around the house," Sam explained, "It was either that, or a threesome in the pool with Jack and Harry."

Malcolm shuddered, and dropped his paintbrush. "Man, that is disgusting. Would you like to add your own comment?"

"Sure!" Sam said, picking up a paintbrush and writing: "Anise is a whore," on the wall above her head.

Malcolm chuckled. "Couldn't agree more."

**********

Harry, meanwhile, had been unfortunate enough to run into Dr McKenzie, who was now attempting his phenomenal psychic torture.

"You're pathetic!" McKenzie laughed, "Did you really think that they wanted you to be in this house?"

Harry shrugged. "No. The reason I came is because nobody wanted me to - it annoys them more."

"D'oh!" McKenzie cursed, trying a different tactic. "Anise says I'm more of a man than you will ever be."

Harry flinched a little at this, but said, "Well, tell Anise that I think she's more of a man than I will ever be - I swear, her legs were hairier than mine the other night."

McKenzie shuddered again, and looked for a way out.

"Look, mate," Harry said, "At the end of the day, I'm younger and more attractive than you, and I just don't think you can cope with that. You might want to think about counselling, mate - find someone who can help you!"

"I'm a bloody psychiatrist!" McKenzie snapped, "There's nothing wrong with my state of mind!"

"I think you could be wrong there," Harry smirked.

"This dream you have," McKenzie pressed, "Where you're eaten by a packet of crisps?"

"What about it?" Harry asked, folding his arms.

"Do you think it could be a subliminal message?" McKenzie asked, "That you're too fat, perhaps?"

Harry pretended to be really hurt. "Ooh, ooh, stop it, McKenzie, you're gonna make me cry! Do you have dreams about stair lifts and bath chairs? Old people's homes? Well, I'll give you a subliminal message, mate!"

With that, he pulled the cap off of the washing up liquid and squirted it in McKenzie's face.

"AGH!"

"Goodbye," Harry said, "I'll take my fat arse outside now."

"Right," McKenzie ground out between his teeth, wiping the washing up liquid from his eye, "It's time to see yoghurt boy."

**********

Malcolm hummed a little tune as he continued with his mural. On the left-hand side of the wall he had painted a large tub of yoghurt, and now he was adding graffiti-style writing. He was so absorbed that he didn't hear McKenzie enter.

Dr McKenzie looked around himself, and smarted as he read one of the comments.

"McKenzie is a tosser?" he snarled.

Malcolm grinned. "Damn right! I - oh, shit!"

"You had the dream where you were drowned in the yoghurt, didn't you?" McKenzie smiled. "What a sad, anal person you must be. Completely besotted with a dairy product."

Malcolm sighed. "If you're trying to make me cry, McKenzie, you're doing a damned bad job of it!"

"Didn't you and Sam have an affair?" McKenzie probed.

Malcolm folded his arms. "Whether we did or didn't is totally none of your business. I'm surprised you even know what an affair is!"

"I may be older than you," McKenzie replied, "But I still know exactly what you're talking about."

"Hmm..." Malcolm said, non-comitally, "Surprised you can find it under all of those wrinkles."

McKenzie growled, picked up a paintbrush, and threw it at the wall, making a green splatter along the pink wall.

Malcolm stared at it, open-mouthed. McKenzie smiled evilly - his work here was done.

"Wow!" Malcolm said, "That is such a modern look! It's complemented perfectly by the shade of pink on the wall - wow!"

"Godammit!" McKenzie snarled, "Now I know it'll be easy to piss Jack O'Neill off."

So he made his way outside, preparing for what he thought would be his saving grace.

**********

Harry was testing the slide. First, he climbed up the fence, yelping as a splinter went into his hand, and then he jumped down the slide, falling into the pool where Anise was sunbathing.

"Agh!" She spat, as a scum of washing up liquid and mud drifted towards her on the surface of the water.

"Hi!" Harry said, waving cheerfully.

"You are disgusting," she snapped, "I'm so glad I ended it with you."

"So am I!" Harry replied, heaving himself out of the water and trapsing back over to Jack and Sam.

"It works!" he said, "Now we need to construct the rest of it."

"How about a tunnel?" Jack asked.

"Yeah," Sam said, "We could get a long table and cover it with a sheet."

"I'm on it," Harry said, going back inside to fetch a table.

"I'll get the bedsheet," Sam said, and hurried after Harry.

Jack squinted up at the sun and wished that his t-shirt would stop sticking to his chest. He stood for a moment and contemplated whether to take it off or not.

Eventually, he decided that he would - to hell with the fact that there were a million people watching him.

Anise's mouth fell open from the other side of the garden. Screw McKenzie, she thought, this one's mine!

She began walking across the garden to him, and when Jack turned around he realised that he'd made a very large mistake.

"Ah, crap," he murmured, trying to struggle back into his shirt. It was then that Harry and Sam came back outside, armed with a table and a sheet respectively.

"Ooh!" Harry giggled, "Watch out, Anise and Jack are about to get down to business in the garden!"

Sam glared at him. "Shouldn't we try and save him from the terror of it?"

Harry nodded. "That is an excellent point. I myself have suffered the terror, and let me tell you, it..."

Sam held up her hand. "Please - I don't need the mental image."

"Sorry," he said, "Come on then."

The two of them raced outside, past McKenzie (who was still nursing his bruised ego) and tackled Jack and Anise.

Harry ran into her with the table and knocked her back into the pool. Sam threw herself at Jack and covered him in the sheet.

Harry smirked as Anise floundered in the pool, spitting and swearing. McKenzie rushed to the side of the pool to try and help her, but she shunned him away, spitting chlorine onto the grass.

Sam stood up and brushed herself off. "I'll get you another shirt," she said, and went back inside. Jack wrapped himself in the sheet and glared at Harry, who was smirking.

"What are smirking about?" he asked.

Harry just carried on smirking. "Nothing," he replied.

"You are definitely smirking," Jack said.

"Oh, the women are just all over you!" Harry sighed, "You're becoming quite a babe magnet."

"Oh, shut up!" Jack said, "We've got to finish this before 6pm."

"Well, we'll be needing the sheet," Harry said. Thankfully, Sam returned with another shirt for Jack, so they were able to carry on with their projects.

**********

"This is Big Brother. We would like the housemates to be aware that whoever fails this task will be evicted, no questions asked."

"WHAT?" Harry shouted, "Oh, God! We have to finish the course!"

"Quickly!" Jack ordered.

Their task was almost finished. Inside, Malcolm was thoroughly enjoying himself, and his new-found talent for painting and decorating.

Anise and Dr McKenzie, however, were making no progress at all in their seduction. Anise was now drooling at the memory of Jack without his shirt, and McKenzie had spent the entire afternoon ogling Sam.

He decided that it was time to try and psychoanalyse Jack.

"So..." he said, sliding up beside Jack, "Your dream about getting beaten...could this link back to the violence you've suffered in your life?"

Jack shook his head. "Actually, it was a mix of too much cream cheese and the fact that a bomb went off in my face."

"But you wouldn't be here unless you were...tortured in some way," McKenzie pressed, "You must be a social delinquent to even volunteer to come on here!"

Jack nodded, and heaved another piece of fence into position. Harry came bounding towards him, tripped over a pheasant and threw saucepans all over the grass, which he had been collecting from the kitchen.

"Social delinquent...so, that must be why you volunteered, McKenzie!" Jack smirked.

"I am a highly trained medical professional!" McKenzie shouted, "There is nothing wrong with my state of mind!"

"So you keep saying," Jack drawled, going over to Harry and helping him up.

"We're nearly there!" Harry smiled, "Just got these kitchen utensils and the burning pit of pheasants - minus the burning, of course - and hey presto!"

**********

"Housemates, this is Big Brother. We would like you all to stop your challenges and culminate in the diary room."

So, eventually, all five housemates managed to squeeze into the inadequately sized room. To her disgust, Sam spent the entire time pinned into the wall by McKenzie's elbow. Harry HAD to have the diary room chair, so he was swinging it around gleefully. Jack was sitting on one of the arms, holding on for dear life.



Anise was sitting on the floor to the side of the chair, quite blatantly eyeing up Jack's butt.

"Firstly, we would like you to visit Bedroom 1, to observe Malcolm's artwork."

So they left the diary room, and went into bedroom 1, where there were various "Ooohs!" and "Ahhhs!"

"A yoghurt mural?" Anise asked with disdain.

"Yes," Malcolm said proudly, "Isn't it amazing?"

"Anise is a w...HEY!" Anise said, thumping Malcolm on the head with her make-up bag.

"I didn't write it!" Malcolm complained, as a tube of eyeliner stabbed him in the ear.

"Housemates, we would now like you to move to the garden, where Harry will take you through the obstacle course, and you will have your own chance to compete."

**********

"Step right up, people, step right up!" Harry cried, "See the amazing obstacle course! Are we all ready? Then I'll begin. To start the course, you must balance along this curtain rail, which is precariously perched on top of the lit barbecue. Then, removing your shoes, you must walk the gutter of doom! Warning: contains real waste products! When you've conquered the gutter of doom, you have to step in these saucepans of cold baked beans WITHOUT touching the grass at any time. Just when you think it couldn't get any worse, you have to climb the splinter wall, which leads you to the trampoline bed! You must then play three rounds of Twister on the bed with your fellow teammate, without falling off of the bed at any time. Finally, you jump over the man-eating-pheasant pool (which was merely an inflatable paddling pool with three pheasants running around in it), and take a trip down Neptune's Leap - or, the slippery slide of terror! You will end up in the pool - the person with the quickest time wins!"

"I think I got all of that..." Malcolm said weakly.

"Good!" Harry beamed, "Now, get into teams of 2, please!"

Sam went with Jack, Anise with Dr McKenzie and poor Malcolm ended up with Harry.

"Don't worry, Malcolm!" Harry beamed, "You'll be fine! Sam - Jack, you're up first!"

"Aw, man," Jack groaned.

"Three...two...one...GO!"

**********

Jack jumped onto the curtain rail and edged along it, though he could feel the barbecue beneath him - and it was definitely on. He felt Sam walking behind him, and suddenly wondered why in the hell he was doing this. Up ahead of him, he could see the gutter of doom. Removing his shoes, he began the walk along it, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"Ugh!" Sam said, falling into step behind Jack, "Harry, why did we let you do this?"

"All part of the fun!" Harry beamed.

Next came the saucepans of baked beans, which were surprisingly bearable after the gutter of doom. Next came the splinter wall, which proved to be exceedingly painful as neither Sam nor Jack were wearing any socks.

Halfway through their second round of Twister, Sam and Jack found themselves in an exceedingly compromising position from which there appeared to be no escape.

"Uh...Carter...your foot..."

"Oh, sorry sir..."

"OW!"

"Sorry. Your arm is sort of..."

"Oh, yeah. I'll move it...here..."

"Ahh!"

"That was better. Wait, no, my foot's stuck."

"Why don't you move it... there."

"That's better. Agh, my hand!"

"Ah- now...your hand is kinda touching my..."

"Ooh!"

"HEY!" Harry shouted, "NO GROPING ON THE TWISTER BOARD!"

"Sorry!" Jack murmured. It took them a further minute to escape the perils of the Twister board, but when it was done they jumped over the pheasant pool and down the slide, straight into the normal pool.

Harry was cheering wildly. "Whoo! Well done! Malcolm, you and I are up next."

Malcolm was trembling as he ascended the curtain rail behind Harry, who was already walking the drainpipe of doom.

"Uh...Harry..." he called.

"Yeah?" Harry asked, gleefully jumping through the baked bean saucepans.

"I'm kinda...allergic to...pheasant...a-CHOO!"

Malcolm sneezed so violently that he fell off of the drainpipe and into the flowerbed.

"Damn!" Harry shouted, as he finished the course. Right, Anise - McKenzie - it's your go!"

"I'm not doing THAT!" Anise said, in a huff.

"Nor me!" McKenzie replied.

Harry sighed. "I had anticipated that." He pulled an electric shaver from his pocket.

"GET ON THAT CURTAIN RAIL NOW BEFORE I SHAVE YOUR EYEBROWS OFF!"

"AAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!"

(Banging noise)

CRASH!

(Angry squawking of pheasants)

(Resounding splash sound)

Harry sniggered. "The End."

TO BE CONTINUED...

**********

Next time: It's the FINAL! Who will win Stargate Big Brother 2003? How many last-minute affairs will take place? Will Harry ever put any clothes on? Find out next time in the final episode of Stargate Big Brother!