Title: Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 1)
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)
Spoilers: None
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: Welcome to the Stargate Big Brother 2003 LIVE FINAL (Part 1) who will be the first housemate to leave the Big Brother house? How many last-minute fights and affairs will take place, and will Harry ever put any clothes on?
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.
~ Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 1)~
Copyright © 2003 Ruth
**********
"Hello and welcome to the final of Stargate Big Brother 2003! There are six housemates left in the competition, so it's time for the viewers to start casting their votes!"
**********
Anise looked at McKenzie as she got out of the swimming pool.
"You do realise," she said slowly, seductively, "That this is the last night we will be spending together in the house?"
She heard a cheer somewhere from the vicinity of Harry, and threw a banana at him.
"I do," McKenzie replied, stretching out in the pool and looking at her questioningly.
"Well, don't you think we should make the most of this opportunity?" she continued, leaning over him.
She heard vomiting noises somewhere from the vicinity of Harry, and turned around to confront him. What she saw was not pretty. He was wearing one of Sam's tank tops with a pair of ripped denim shorts underneath. Anise would have put money on the fact that he was wearing Pikachu underwear.
"You're just jealous because you're not getting any," Anise spat viciously, her hands on her hips.
Harry grinned at her.
"What are you talking about? I could have a threesome with Sam and Jack whenever I wanted! Isn't that right, guys?"
There was an ominous silence from the direction of Sam and Jack.
"D'oh!"
**********
"It's ten o'clock on the morning of the Big Brother final. The housemates have just twelve hours left to do something interesting and gain their place in the fame of television. So far, things do not look interesting."
Malcolm went over to the fridge and removed the last remaining blueberry yoghurt from it. He sighed as he remembered the yoghurts gone by, from week one right up until this, the final week. He'd spent so long in the house that he'd forgotten how long he had been in there, and so had the author.
He went over to the kitchen drawer and removed a spoon, unaware of a figure that was watching him from behind the saucepans, clad in Pikachu underwear. As he pulled the top off of the yoghurt, the Pikachu-underwear clad figure advanced on him, raising a wooden spoon high above his head as if to strike…
"Aaagh!" Malcolm shrieked, as Harry plunged the wooden spoon down into the yoghurt and giggled as it splattered everywhere.
"Gone!" Harry stated bluntly, letting out a war cry and running around the kitchen with a saucepan on his head, shaking the yoghurt-covered spoon around him.
"You…spilt…my…last…yoghurt!" Malcolm cried angrily, picking up a scarily huge carving knife and chasing after Harry with it.
It was at that point that Sam and Jack decided to exit the bedroom for the first time in around 72 hours.
They went into the kitchen only to be met with an irate Malcolm, who was chasing a semi-naked Harry, holding an enormous carving knife.
"Hey! Malcolm!" Jack shouted, "Just what the hell is going on?"
"HE SPILT MY YOGHURT!" Malcolm yelled, running after Harry who was cowering behind Sam.
"Whoa, calm down!" Jack said, trying to restrain Malcolm, who he thought was surprisingly strong for a dweeb.
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" Malcolm shrieked again, as Harry grabbed hold of Sam's forearm and held her in front of him.
"You wouldn't dare hurt the girl!" Harry giggled, "As long as she's with me, you can't do squat!"
Sam rolled her eyes, turned around, and punched Harry in the face.
"I am sick and tired of being used as a hostage!" she said, walking out of the kitchen, "I'm sorry, but that'll have to be Anise's job!"
***********
Outside in the pool, Anise was still trying to persuade McKenzie to do dirty things with her, but it appeared that Anise had a problem. That problem was McKenzie himself, who was currently staring at Sam's butt.
"You get your eyes off of her!" Anise hollered, standing closer to McKenzie, "You're MINE!"
"Huh?" McKenzie drooled, not taking his eyes off of Sam.
Anise's eyes met Sam's and they glared at each other.
"Are you trying to steal my man?" Anise snarled.
"No, I'm trying to get away from the pair of you," Sam coolly replied.
"Are you trying to pick a fight with me?" Anise yelled, bringing Jack and Malcolm running from inside of the house.
"No," Sam began, "But if you're offering…"
Anise ran forwards and crashed into Sam, sending them both to the ground. Sam was soon back on top, however, and started pulling Anise's hair.
"Ow!" Anise shrieked, slapping Sam across the face.
McKenzie giggled from the pool. Jack frowned, took his shoe off, threw it at McKenzie and went back to watching the fight.
Sam punched Anise in the nose, and stood up to try and walk away. Anise grabbed hold of her ankle and brought her crashing back down to the ground. At that point, Harry ran into the garden wearing absolutely nothing but a Pikachu thong.
"Ooh!" he laughed, "A bitch fight!"
Everyone stopped and looked at Harry and THE THONG. Even Anise and Sam stopped hitting each other to gape at the monstrosity before them.
"The things you see…" Jack groaned, "When you haven't got your gun."
Anise took the moment of horror and used it to her advantage, giving Sam a rough shove that sent her perilously close to the edge of the pool.
Sam laid there and waited for Anise to come closer before she pushed herself back up and ran sideways into her, throwing them both into the pool.
The men were absolutely delighted, as if all of their birthdays had come at once.
**********
Eventually, Jack felt that he had to intervene, and dived into the pool to separate Sam and Anise, much to the distaste of McKenzie and Harry.
He dragged Sam out of the pool, accidentally on purpose forgetting to go back for Anise.
"You bitch!" Anise shouted from the water.
Sam smirked and gave her the v-sign.
"Good fighting, Sam!" Harry smiled, bounding over to give her a hug.
Sam turned around in horror and promptly threw herself back in the pool again.
"What?" Harry asked, jumping up and down on the spot and wondering why Jack was turning a shade of green.
"Harry…you really should take that off…" Jack groaned, wishing that he'd said nothing before the words were even out of his mouth.
"Oh, ok," Harry grinned, pulling off the thong.
"AAAAGGGGHHHH!" Jack and Malcolm shouted, throwing themselves back into the pool.
"Perfect opportunity to top up my tan!" Harry exclaimed delightedly, laying out on the grass and going to sleep.
McKenzie shuddered in distaste, and went back inside to get himself dressed. As far as he was concerned, the sooner he was out of the damned house the better.
"Would Dr McKenzie please come to the diary room?"
**********
"Fine," he grumbled, pulling the towel a little tighter around his waist and going into the diary room.
"Doctor, this is Big Brother."
"I know. What the hell did you call me in here for?"
"Well, we have decided, seeing that you have failed your challenge, as well as creating a nasty scene with Anise, that because of your failures you are no longer compatible to win Big Brother 2003."
McKenzie laughed.
"You think you're so clever, don't you? Well, duh! It's the viewers that have to vote, stupid!"
Big Brother laughed.
"You stupid BEEP-er. Don't you know that Big Brother controls everything? You have now lost your right to an interview as well."
"How can you do that?" McKenzie grinned. "I am in control here, not you!"
"We'll see about that," Big Brother laughed.
Suddenly, a trapdoor appeared beneath McKenzie's feet and opened suddenly.
"Bye!" Big Brother cheered.
"Aaaaggghh!"
CRASH
"Would Anise please come to the diary room?"
**********
"Where has McKenzie got to?" Anise asked, getting out of the pool and being careful to look in the opposite direction to the sunbathing Harry.
"He went inside," Jack said, "Probably needed to inflate his ego…or something else…" he sniggered.
Anise let out a huff of disapproval and stalked back inside the house, with her towel wrapped around her waist after her and Sam's dramatic fight in the pool, which was the most interesting thing that had happened in about a week.
"Anise, this is Big Brother. We have decided to set you a challenge - you have exactly five minutes to bed one of the remaining members of the Big Brother house, or you will be evicted and will not have a chance to win the £70,000 cash prize. Do you understand?"
"But…Big Brother, why are you doing this?" Anise stammered, "I've been the faithful bitchy housemate throughout this entire series!"
"I know, Anise, but you've had a great deal of time to raise our ratings with your bitchy antics and yet you still haven't managed it. Quite frankly, we're ashamed. Your five minutes start…now!"
"But…agh!"
Anise rushed out of the diary room and back out into the garden, where the other housemates were lazing by the pool, and trying to keep a large distance away from Harry, who was still taking part in his naked sunbathing.
"QUICK!" She shouted, "I'm gonna get kicked out of the Big Brother house in five minutes unless one of you sleeps with me!"
Jack grunted and turned over by the side of the pool. Malcolm tried to make himself look busy by jumping into a rose bush and shrieking as the thorns stuck into his butt.
"Harry!" Anise said desperately, "Harry, sweetie," she cringed, "Will you go to bed with me?"
"I thought I was crap!" Harry said, sitting up and eyeing Anise suspiciously, "I thought that McKenzie was your new lover boy! Where is he when you really need him, eh?"
"HARRY!" Anise shrieked, "PLEASE!"
"Hmmm…let's see…how about, no?"
"Well, it's not like you have anything better to do!" Anise snapped, looking at her watch and squealing in terror as she realised that she had just one minute left.
"I think I'm going to go and jump in that rose bush with Malcolm, actually," Harry grinned, and took a running jump into the rose bush, landing on top of Malcolm and pushing the thorns further into the soft skin of his buttocks.
"Agh!" Malcolm shrieked, "Harry, get the f-BEEP off of me!"
"Would you rather do this, or go to bed with Anise?" Harry shouted. Malcolm was quiet.
Anise turned around and saw Sam standing by the pool with a smirk on her face.
"What about you?" She asked.
Sam laughed. "PLEASE! Give me some credit!"
"Do you really think that I would be asking YOU unless I was desperate?" Anise snapped.
"I could ask you the same thing, sister," Sam grinned, turning her back on her.
"Well, seeing as I'm about to get kicked out in," she looked at her watch, "Thirty seconds, how about a final, massive bitch fight to finish it off?"
Sam frowned. "Are you sure that's long enough?"
Anise shrugged. "We won't know until we try, will we?"
She took a running jump and knocked Sam backwards into the pool, where she began to pull her hair and push her head under the water.
"Hey guys!" Jack shouted, "BITCH FIGHT!"
"What?" Harry shouted, incredibly distressed as he was unable to remove his head from the rose bush.
"Oh, you're missing it!" Jack yelled again, as Sam dragged Anise out of the pool and threw her down on the grass, running over to the hose and turning it on full power. As Anise tried to stand up, the jet of water hit her full on and threw her back into the rose bush, where she promptly became stuck as well.
"Well, that dealt with them," Jack said, "Let's go inside and make some lunch."
**********
"Harry, there has got to be some way out of here," Anise said, through a mouth of rose petals.
"I know that, but you're gonna have to be the first one to move, as you're on the top."
"How's Malcolm doing?" Anise asked, trying to wriggle her way out of the thorns but failing miserably.
"He's…uh…he's a little spiky," Harry snorted, earning himself a punch in the nose.
"Yeah, but I can still punch," Malcolm grunted, falling forwards and hitting the dirt beneath the rose bush.
"We could get Sam and Jack to cut us out," Anise suggested.
"Yeah, but how are we going to get their attention?" Harry questioned, scratching what he hoped was his own butt and not Malcolm's.
"We need a megaphone of sorts," Malcolm said, "Or we could just get Anise to shout, I suppose."
PUNCH
"Ow!"
"Sorry, I thought you were Malcolm."
PUNCH
"Ow!"
"Sorry, I thought you were Anise."
"We are going to be stuck here for a very long time, aren't we?"
**********
Back inside of the house, Sam and Jack were making no attempt to go back outside and rescue their three fellow housemates who were stranded in the rose bush. Instead, Jack had decided that he wanted to try and make pancakes, which was a mistake because he and Sam had about as much cooking experience as an amnesic ant.
"So…you put the ingredients into the bowl…"
"Do you know what a bowl looks like, Carter?" Jack teased, only to have water flicked in his face.
"Yes I know what a bowl is!" She snapped playfully, "Not quite sure how to use it, but…"
"Then, you mix it together, and pour it in the frying pan! Easy!" Jack crowed.
"Yes," Sam sighed, "But it does help if the heat is on underneath the frying pan."
**********
Malcolm sneezed as dirt flew up into his face for the third time. Harry had decided that the only way out of their predicament would be to dig through to Australia, even if it took him the rest of his life.
Anise and Malcolm were trying to formulate better plans of their own, but for the time being they were content with watching Harry going further and further down into the dirt hole that he was digging with his feet.
"I…I think I can see the Sydney Opera House!" Harry squealed delightedly.
Anise turned around to have a look.
"No, Harry, that's a woodlouse."
"Wait!" Malcolm said suddenly, "My God, it's so obvious, I should have thought of it before!"
"What?" Anise and Harry said in unison.
Malcolm sighed. "Harry has dug the hole right out from under the rose bush - all we have to do is climb out!"
There was a dumbstruck silence.
"We knew that!" Harry said in exasperation, "We were just testing you."
**********
Once they were back inside, Anise was called into the diary room, to plead her case for not being evicted.
"Anise. You failed our earlier challenge and you therefore failed to attract more viewers. What do you have to say in your defence?"
"I say that I still managed to create a fight with Sam, and I also got stuck in the rose bush with Harry and Malcolm, which must have got some people to tune in! Please, Big Brother, I tried my best."
Big Brother grunted non-commitally.
"I see that we were wrong in letting Jonas be evicted. He would have created a scene for us!"
"I'm just as good as Jonas!" Anise protested, "If not better!"
"Did you kill the chickens?" Big Brother shouted, "Did you freeze Malcolm and then defrost him on the barbecue? Did you place a honking huge bomb? NO! You will never be Jonas!"
"Well, I tried!" Anise snapped, "What are you going to do? Open up a hole in the ground and let me drop through it?"
"No," Big Brother smirked, "That would be far too flattering. Anise, you will leave the Big Brother house via the drainage system."
"WHAT?"
"Wearing a chicken suit."
"Oh, F-BEEP!"
**********
Unbeknown to the other housemates, Anise was making her somewhat smelly journey out of the Big Brother house at about the same time that they were all called into the sitting room, where the fourth-place finalist would leave the house for their interview.
Harry was certain that it would be him, so he was dressed to impress (or, perhaps, depress) in a Pikachu thong and matching tank top.
"Housemates, this is Big Brother. First of all, congratulations for making it to the final!"
CHEERING
"You may wonder where Dr McKenzie and Anise have gone. I am delighted to inform you that they have both been disqualified from winning the show, and have now left with no right to an interview. Anyway…"
The housemates smirked. Anise and McKenzie couldn't win, ha ha ha…
"I can now reveal that the fourth-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 is…"
(Stupidly long pause during which you could run out, buy the entire 'Godfather' trilogy on DVD, bunny hop to Blackpool to buy a DVD player and do tiny steps back to Cornwall before revealing who had to leave.)
"Sam."
"Nnnnnnooooooo!" Jack wailed, throwing himself at Sam and chucking the pair of them over the back of the couch.
"Sam, you have one minute to collect your belongings and say your goodbyes - I'm coming to get you!"
Sam disentangled herself from Jack and went over to Malcolm, pulling him into a hug.
"Good luck," she smiled, "I think you'll need it, stuck in here with them."
Malcolm grinned, and Sam went over to Harry.
"It's been wild," she smiled, "I take it that when we're all out of here, it'll be back to the same old NID bullshit?"
"Hell, yeah!" Harry laughed, pulling her into a bear hug that was a little too friendly for Sam's liking.
Sam went back over to Jack and held him close to her.
"You'll see me again in a couple of hours," she reassured him.
"But it'll seem like years!" Jack wailed.
"It won't be long," Sam smiled, going over to her bag and hauling it up the stairs.
"Five…four…three…two…one…SAM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. SAM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."
Sam exited the house and stepped outside for the first time, to be met with masses of cheers and photographers. Janet came bounding up the stairs towards her and gave her a big hug, followed quickly by Danny and Teal'c.
"Join me after the break for an interview with the fourth-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003, SAM!"
CHEERING
**********
"So, welcome back. I'm here with Sam, everybody!"
CHEERING
"Sam. Are you disappointed that you didn't win?"
"Of course I am a little, but it was starting to get a bit boring in there, with nothing to do but fight with Anise the entire time."
"Speaking of Anise, the two of you seemed to be at each other's throats for the entire time - what was going on with that?"
"Well, she was pretty much jealous of the relationship I had with Jack, and because we were the only two women left in the house after a while, she saw me as competition in nearly everything."
"How did you feel about her yourself?"
"She wasn't too bad - by the time it got to this last week, I was glad of something to do so we just fought each other because we were so bored."
"Let's move onto Jack. We all know how close the two of you have become over the last week, but it hasn't always been this way, has it?"
"No," Sam admitted, "We had a very rocky relationship throughout the show, but this was due to Sara and Jonas' arrival more than anything else."
"Jonas. Well, what can we say?"
"He's insane," Sam said, "But I admit that he did make things a lot more lively inside the house. Killing the chickens was totally out of order, though."
"Now, Sam, there is an important question that we have to ask you - regarding Malcolm."
Sam laughed.
"WHAT HAPPENED? Did you or didn't you?"
"We did."
CHEERING
"Originally we weren't going to, but like I said, things were so boring, and you wanted more viewers, so we thought that we'd confuse you so that you wouldn't find out until now."
"Who did you get on best with in the house?"
"Janet, Danny and Teal'c mostly," Sam continued, "And Jack of course, but like you already said, that was a bit on/off."
"And who did you really not get on with in the house?"
"Anise, Dr McKenzie and Hathor. McKenzie because he's a twat…"
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"What was your favourite moment in the house?"
"Um…I'd have to say the obstacle course," Sam said, "It was fun working with Jack and Harry to try and make something good out of a load of crap that we could find around the place."
"Sam, who would you like to go ahead and win Stargate Big Brother 2003?"
"Well, I think that any three of them deserve to win it, but I would say Harry."
CHEERING FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS
"Well, Sam, I can safely say that you have been a joy to watch over the past weeks - a true survivor. Here are your best moments!"
'Survivor' by Destiny's Child plays, accompanied by lots of clips of Sam throughout her time in the house.
"Thank you, everybody, it's SAM!"
MAD CHEERING
**********
"Join me in part 2, to find out who has finished in third place in Stargate Big Brother 2003!"
**********
Next time: It's down to three, and three guys. What will they get up to during their last hours in the house? Well, it involves an unusual game of twister, some baby oil and a table. Trust me, you don't want to know anything more than that…
**********
Author's Note: It's getting close to finishing now! Again, many thanks to all those who have sent their feedback and support throughout this fic, because I wouldn't be this near finishing it without you! Cheers, and have a happy new year!
Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)
Spoilers: None
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: Welcome to the Stargate Big Brother 2003 LIVE FINAL (Part 1) who will be the first housemate to leave the Big Brother house? How many last-minute fights and affairs will take place, and will Harry ever put any clothes on?
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.
~ Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 1)~
Copyright © 2003 Ruth
**********
"Hello and welcome to the final of Stargate Big Brother 2003! There are six housemates left in the competition, so it's time for the viewers to start casting their votes!"
**********
Anise looked at McKenzie as she got out of the swimming pool.
"You do realise," she said slowly, seductively, "That this is the last night we will be spending together in the house?"
She heard a cheer somewhere from the vicinity of Harry, and threw a banana at him.
"I do," McKenzie replied, stretching out in the pool and looking at her questioningly.
"Well, don't you think we should make the most of this opportunity?" she continued, leaning over him.
She heard vomiting noises somewhere from the vicinity of Harry, and turned around to confront him. What she saw was not pretty. He was wearing one of Sam's tank tops with a pair of ripped denim shorts underneath. Anise would have put money on the fact that he was wearing Pikachu underwear.
"You're just jealous because you're not getting any," Anise spat viciously, her hands on her hips.
Harry grinned at her.
"What are you talking about? I could have a threesome with Sam and Jack whenever I wanted! Isn't that right, guys?"
There was an ominous silence from the direction of Sam and Jack.
"D'oh!"
**********
"It's ten o'clock on the morning of the Big Brother final. The housemates have just twelve hours left to do something interesting and gain their place in the fame of television. So far, things do not look interesting."
Malcolm went over to the fridge and removed the last remaining blueberry yoghurt from it. He sighed as he remembered the yoghurts gone by, from week one right up until this, the final week. He'd spent so long in the house that he'd forgotten how long he had been in there, and so had the author.
He went over to the kitchen drawer and removed a spoon, unaware of a figure that was watching him from behind the saucepans, clad in Pikachu underwear. As he pulled the top off of the yoghurt, the Pikachu-underwear clad figure advanced on him, raising a wooden spoon high above his head as if to strike…
"Aaagh!" Malcolm shrieked, as Harry plunged the wooden spoon down into the yoghurt and giggled as it splattered everywhere.
"Gone!" Harry stated bluntly, letting out a war cry and running around the kitchen with a saucepan on his head, shaking the yoghurt-covered spoon around him.
"You…spilt…my…last…yoghurt!" Malcolm cried angrily, picking up a scarily huge carving knife and chasing after Harry with it.
It was at that point that Sam and Jack decided to exit the bedroom for the first time in around 72 hours.
They went into the kitchen only to be met with an irate Malcolm, who was chasing a semi-naked Harry, holding an enormous carving knife.
"Hey! Malcolm!" Jack shouted, "Just what the hell is going on?"
"HE SPILT MY YOGHURT!" Malcolm yelled, running after Harry who was cowering behind Sam.
"Whoa, calm down!" Jack said, trying to restrain Malcolm, who he thought was surprisingly strong for a dweeb.
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" Malcolm shrieked again, as Harry grabbed hold of Sam's forearm and held her in front of him.
"You wouldn't dare hurt the girl!" Harry giggled, "As long as she's with me, you can't do squat!"
Sam rolled her eyes, turned around, and punched Harry in the face.
"I am sick and tired of being used as a hostage!" she said, walking out of the kitchen, "I'm sorry, but that'll have to be Anise's job!"
***********
Outside in the pool, Anise was still trying to persuade McKenzie to do dirty things with her, but it appeared that Anise had a problem. That problem was McKenzie himself, who was currently staring at Sam's butt.
"You get your eyes off of her!" Anise hollered, standing closer to McKenzie, "You're MINE!"
"Huh?" McKenzie drooled, not taking his eyes off of Sam.
Anise's eyes met Sam's and they glared at each other.
"Are you trying to steal my man?" Anise snarled.
"No, I'm trying to get away from the pair of you," Sam coolly replied.
"Are you trying to pick a fight with me?" Anise yelled, bringing Jack and Malcolm running from inside of the house.
"No," Sam began, "But if you're offering…"
Anise ran forwards and crashed into Sam, sending them both to the ground. Sam was soon back on top, however, and started pulling Anise's hair.
"Ow!" Anise shrieked, slapping Sam across the face.
McKenzie giggled from the pool. Jack frowned, took his shoe off, threw it at McKenzie and went back to watching the fight.
Sam punched Anise in the nose, and stood up to try and walk away. Anise grabbed hold of her ankle and brought her crashing back down to the ground. At that point, Harry ran into the garden wearing absolutely nothing but a Pikachu thong.
"Ooh!" he laughed, "A bitch fight!"
Everyone stopped and looked at Harry and THE THONG. Even Anise and Sam stopped hitting each other to gape at the monstrosity before them.
"The things you see…" Jack groaned, "When you haven't got your gun."
Anise took the moment of horror and used it to her advantage, giving Sam a rough shove that sent her perilously close to the edge of the pool.
Sam laid there and waited for Anise to come closer before she pushed herself back up and ran sideways into her, throwing them both into the pool.
The men were absolutely delighted, as if all of their birthdays had come at once.
**********
Eventually, Jack felt that he had to intervene, and dived into the pool to separate Sam and Anise, much to the distaste of McKenzie and Harry.
He dragged Sam out of the pool, accidentally on purpose forgetting to go back for Anise.
"You bitch!" Anise shouted from the water.
Sam smirked and gave her the v-sign.
"Good fighting, Sam!" Harry smiled, bounding over to give her a hug.
Sam turned around in horror and promptly threw herself back in the pool again.
"What?" Harry asked, jumping up and down on the spot and wondering why Jack was turning a shade of green.
"Harry…you really should take that off…" Jack groaned, wishing that he'd said nothing before the words were even out of his mouth.
"Oh, ok," Harry grinned, pulling off the thong.
"AAAAGGGGHHHH!" Jack and Malcolm shouted, throwing themselves back into the pool.
"Perfect opportunity to top up my tan!" Harry exclaimed delightedly, laying out on the grass and going to sleep.
McKenzie shuddered in distaste, and went back inside to get himself dressed. As far as he was concerned, the sooner he was out of the damned house the better.
"Would Dr McKenzie please come to the diary room?"
**********
"Fine," he grumbled, pulling the towel a little tighter around his waist and going into the diary room.
"Doctor, this is Big Brother."
"I know. What the hell did you call me in here for?"
"Well, we have decided, seeing that you have failed your challenge, as well as creating a nasty scene with Anise, that because of your failures you are no longer compatible to win Big Brother 2003."
McKenzie laughed.
"You think you're so clever, don't you? Well, duh! It's the viewers that have to vote, stupid!"
Big Brother laughed.
"You stupid BEEP-er. Don't you know that Big Brother controls everything? You have now lost your right to an interview as well."
"How can you do that?" McKenzie grinned. "I am in control here, not you!"
"We'll see about that," Big Brother laughed.
Suddenly, a trapdoor appeared beneath McKenzie's feet and opened suddenly.
"Bye!" Big Brother cheered.
"Aaaaggghh!"
CRASH
"Would Anise please come to the diary room?"
**********
"Where has McKenzie got to?" Anise asked, getting out of the pool and being careful to look in the opposite direction to the sunbathing Harry.
"He went inside," Jack said, "Probably needed to inflate his ego…or something else…" he sniggered.
Anise let out a huff of disapproval and stalked back inside the house, with her towel wrapped around her waist after her and Sam's dramatic fight in the pool, which was the most interesting thing that had happened in about a week.
"Anise, this is Big Brother. We have decided to set you a challenge - you have exactly five minutes to bed one of the remaining members of the Big Brother house, or you will be evicted and will not have a chance to win the £70,000 cash prize. Do you understand?"
"But…Big Brother, why are you doing this?" Anise stammered, "I've been the faithful bitchy housemate throughout this entire series!"
"I know, Anise, but you've had a great deal of time to raise our ratings with your bitchy antics and yet you still haven't managed it. Quite frankly, we're ashamed. Your five minutes start…now!"
"But…agh!"
Anise rushed out of the diary room and back out into the garden, where the other housemates were lazing by the pool, and trying to keep a large distance away from Harry, who was still taking part in his naked sunbathing.
"QUICK!" She shouted, "I'm gonna get kicked out of the Big Brother house in five minutes unless one of you sleeps with me!"
Jack grunted and turned over by the side of the pool. Malcolm tried to make himself look busy by jumping into a rose bush and shrieking as the thorns stuck into his butt.
"Harry!" Anise said desperately, "Harry, sweetie," she cringed, "Will you go to bed with me?"
"I thought I was crap!" Harry said, sitting up and eyeing Anise suspiciously, "I thought that McKenzie was your new lover boy! Where is he when you really need him, eh?"
"HARRY!" Anise shrieked, "PLEASE!"
"Hmmm…let's see…how about, no?"
"Well, it's not like you have anything better to do!" Anise snapped, looking at her watch and squealing in terror as she realised that she had just one minute left.
"I think I'm going to go and jump in that rose bush with Malcolm, actually," Harry grinned, and took a running jump into the rose bush, landing on top of Malcolm and pushing the thorns further into the soft skin of his buttocks.
"Agh!" Malcolm shrieked, "Harry, get the f-BEEP off of me!"
"Would you rather do this, or go to bed with Anise?" Harry shouted. Malcolm was quiet.
Anise turned around and saw Sam standing by the pool with a smirk on her face.
"What about you?" She asked.
Sam laughed. "PLEASE! Give me some credit!"
"Do you really think that I would be asking YOU unless I was desperate?" Anise snapped.
"I could ask you the same thing, sister," Sam grinned, turning her back on her.
"Well, seeing as I'm about to get kicked out in," she looked at her watch, "Thirty seconds, how about a final, massive bitch fight to finish it off?"
Sam frowned. "Are you sure that's long enough?"
Anise shrugged. "We won't know until we try, will we?"
She took a running jump and knocked Sam backwards into the pool, where she began to pull her hair and push her head under the water.
"Hey guys!" Jack shouted, "BITCH FIGHT!"
"What?" Harry shouted, incredibly distressed as he was unable to remove his head from the rose bush.
"Oh, you're missing it!" Jack yelled again, as Sam dragged Anise out of the pool and threw her down on the grass, running over to the hose and turning it on full power. As Anise tried to stand up, the jet of water hit her full on and threw her back into the rose bush, where she promptly became stuck as well.
"Well, that dealt with them," Jack said, "Let's go inside and make some lunch."
**********
"Harry, there has got to be some way out of here," Anise said, through a mouth of rose petals.
"I know that, but you're gonna have to be the first one to move, as you're on the top."
"How's Malcolm doing?" Anise asked, trying to wriggle her way out of the thorns but failing miserably.
"He's…uh…he's a little spiky," Harry snorted, earning himself a punch in the nose.
"Yeah, but I can still punch," Malcolm grunted, falling forwards and hitting the dirt beneath the rose bush.
"We could get Sam and Jack to cut us out," Anise suggested.
"Yeah, but how are we going to get their attention?" Harry questioned, scratching what he hoped was his own butt and not Malcolm's.
"We need a megaphone of sorts," Malcolm said, "Or we could just get Anise to shout, I suppose."
PUNCH
"Ow!"
"Sorry, I thought you were Malcolm."
PUNCH
"Ow!"
"Sorry, I thought you were Anise."
"We are going to be stuck here for a very long time, aren't we?"
**********
Back inside of the house, Sam and Jack were making no attempt to go back outside and rescue their three fellow housemates who were stranded in the rose bush. Instead, Jack had decided that he wanted to try and make pancakes, which was a mistake because he and Sam had about as much cooking experience as an amnesic ant.
"So…you put the ingredients into the bowl…"
"Do you know what a bowl looks like, Carter?" Jack teased, only to have water flicked in his face.
"Yes I know what a bowl is!" She snapped playfully, "Not quite sure how to use it, but…"
"Then, you mix it together, and pour it in the frying pan! Easy!" Jack crowed.
"Yes," Sam sighed, "But it does help if the heat is on underneath the frying pan."
**********
Malcolm sneezed as dirt flew up into his face for the third time. Harry had decided that the only way out of their predicament would be to dig through to Australia, even if it took him the rest of his life.
Anise and Malcolm were trying to formulate better plans of their own, but for the time being they were content with watching Harry going further and further down into the dirt hole that he was digging with his feet.
"I…I think I can see the Sydney Opera House!" Harry squealed delightedly.
Anise turned around to have a look.
"No, Harry, that's a woodlouse."
"Wait!" Malcolm said suddenly, "My God, it's so obvious, I should have thought of it before!"
"What?" Anise and Harry said in unison.
Malcolm sighed. "Harry has dug the hole right out from under the rose bush - all we have to do is climb out!"
There was a dumbstruck silence.
"We knew that!" Harry said in exasperation, "We were just testing you."
**********
Once they were back inside, Anise was called into the diary room, to plead her case for not being evicted.
"Anise. You failed our earlier challenge and you therefore failed to attract more viewers. What do you have to say in your defence?"
"I say that I still managed to create a fight with Sam, and I also got stuck in the rose bush with Harry and Malcolm, which must have got some people to tune in! Please, Big Brother, I tried my best."
Big Brother grunted non-commitally.
"I see that we were wrong in letting Jonas be evicted. He would have created a scene for us!"
"I'm just as good as Jonas!" Anise protested, "If not better!"
"Did you kill the chickens?" Big Brother shouted, "Did you freeze Malcolm and then defrost him on the barbecue? Did you place a honking huge bomb? NO! You will never be Jonas!"
"Well, I tried!" Anise snapped, "What are you going to do? Open up a hole in the ground and let me drop through it?"
"No," Big Brother smirked, "That would be far too flattering. Anise, you will leave the Big Brother house via the drainage system."
"WHAT?"
"Wearing a chicken suit."
"Oh, F-BEEP!"
**********
Unbeknown to the other housemates, Anise was making her somewhat smelly journey out of the Big Brother house at about the same time that they were all called into the sitting room, where the fourth-place finalist would leave the house for their interview.
Harry was certain that it would be him, so he was dressed to impress (or, perhaps, depress) in a Pikachu thong and matching tank top.
"Housemates, this is Big Brother. First of all, congratulations for making it to the final!"
CHEERING
"You may wonder where Dr McKenzie and Anise have gone. I am delighted to inform you that they have both been disqualified from winning the show, and have now left with no right to an interview. Anyway…"
The housemates smirked. Anise and McKenzie couldn't win, ha ha ha…
"I can now reveal that the fourth-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 is…"
(Stupidly long pause during which you could run out, buy the entire 'Godfather' trilogy on DVD, bunny hop to Blackpool to buy a DVD player and do tiny steps back to Cornwall before revealing who had to leave.)
"Sam."
"Nnnnnnooooooo!" Jack wailed, throwing himself at Sam and chucking the pair of them over the back of the couch.
"Sam, you have one minute to collect your belongings and say your goodbyes - I'm coming to get you!"
Sam disentangled herself from Jack and went over to Malcolm, pulling him into a hug.
"Good luck," she smiled, "I think you'll need it, stuck in here with them."
Malcolm grinned, and Sam went over to Harry.
"It's been wild," she smiled, "I take it that when we're all out of here, it'll be back to the same old NID bullshit?"
"Hell, yeah!" Harry laughed, pulling her into a bear hug that was a little too friendly for Sam's liking.
Sam went back over to Jack and held him close to her.
"You'll see me again in a couple of hours," she reassured him.
"But it'll seem like years!" Jack wailed.
"It won't be long," Sam smiled, going over to her bag and hauling it up the stairs.
"Five…four…three…two…one…SAM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. SAM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."
Sam exited the house and stepped outside for the first time, to be met with masses of cheers and photographers. Janet came bounding up the stairs towards her and gave her a big hug, followed quickly by Danny and Teal'c.
"Join me after the break for an interview with the fourth-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003, SAM!"
CHEERING
**********
"So, welcome back. I'm here with Sam, everybody!"
CHEERING
"Sam. Are you disappointed that you didn't win?"
"Of course I am a little, but it was starting to get a bit boring in there, with nothing to do but fight with Anise the entire time."
"Speaking of Anise, the two of you seemed to be at each other's throats for the entire time - what was going on with that?"
"Well, she was pretty much jealous of the relationship I had with Jack, and because we were the only two women left in the house after a while, she saw me as competition in nearly everything."
"How did you feel about her yourself?"
"She wasn't too bad - by the time it got to this last week, I was glad of something to do so we just fought each other because we were so bored."
"Let's move onto Jack. We all know how close the two of you have become over the last week, but it hasn't always been this way, has it?"
"No," Sam admitted, "We had a very rocky relationship throughout the show, but this was due to Sara and Jonas' arrival more than anything else."
"Jonas. Well, what can we say?"
"He's insane," Sam said, "But I admit that he did make things a lot more lively inside the house. Killing the chickens was totally out of order, though."
"Now, Sam, there is an important question that we have to ask you - regarding Malcolm."
Sam laughed.
"WHAT HAPPENED? Did you or didn't you?"
"We did."
CHEERING
"Originally we weren't going to, but like I said, things were so boring, and you wanted more viewers, so we thought that we'd confuse you so that you wouldn't find out until now."
"Who did you get on best with in the house?"
"Janet, Danny and Teal'c mostly," Sam continued, "And Jack of course, but like you already said, that was a bit on/off."
"And who did you really not get on with in the house?"
"Anise, Dr McKenzie and Hathor. McKenzie because he's a twat…"
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"What was your favourite moment in the house?"
"Um…I'd have to say the obstacle course," Sam said, "It was fun working with Jack and Harry to try and make something good out of a load of crap that we could find around the place."
"Sam, who would you like to go ahead and win Stargate Big Brother 2003?"
"Well, I think that any three of them deserve to win it, but I would say Harry."
CHEERING FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS
"Well, Sam, I can safely say that you have been a joy to watch over the past weeks - a true survivor. Here are your best moments!"
'Survivor' by Destiny's Child plays, accompanied by lots of clips of Sam throughout her time in the house.
"Thank you, everybody, it's SAM!"
MAD CHEERING
**********
"Join me in part 2, to find out who has finished in third place in Stargate Big Brother 2003!"
**********
Next time: It's down to three, and three guys. What will they get up to during their last hours in the house? Well, it involves an unusual game of twister, some baby oil and a table. Trust me, you don't want to know anything more than that…
**********
Author's Note: It's getting close to finishing now! Again, many thanks to all those who have sent their feedback and support throughout this fic, because I wouldn't be this near finishing it without you! Cheers, and have a happy new year!
Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
