Title: Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 2)
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)
Spoilers: References to Titanic and Star Wars.
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: It's down to three, and it's three guys. What will they get up to during their last hours in the house? Well, it involves an unusual game of twister, some baby oil and a table. Jack and Malcolm are on a mission to destroy an offending article of Harry's clothing - will they succeed?
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me; they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.
~ Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 2) ~
Copyright © 2004 Ruth
**********
"Hello and welcome back to the second part of the Stargate Big Brother 2003 final! Sam just became the fourth-place winner of the show, but who will come in third? Stay tuned to find out…"
**********
"So…" Harry said, sitting on the couch and twiddling nervously with the edge of his Pikachu thong. "What are we going to do? We have at least an hour and a half before the next one of us leaves, there's got to be something for us to do."
"How about a game of Twister?" Malcolm suggested brightly.
"Yeah!" Harry cheered, "Let's go!"
"Oh, wait a minute…" Malcolm said, his voice trailing off, "I think we…uh…misplaced the mat…."
"Where?" Harry questioned.
"I...um…well…we…" Malcolm stuttered. "You see, it's like this…"
Harry waved his hands in the air.
"Don't bother - we'll have to make our own Twister mat."
"With what?" Jack snapped, "Pieces of fruit?"
"Wow!" Harry cheered, "Jack, you are just full of great ideas today!"
He rushed off into the kitchen to find the appropriate pieces of fruit, whilst Malcolm went over to the table and stripped it of its white cloth, to be used as the board.
"Hey! Harry!" Malcolm shouted suddenly, "What can we use as a spinner?"
"I've got it all worked out, Yoghurt-boy," Harry yelled from the kitchen, accidentally stepping in a saucepan and going arse over tit on the kitchen floor.
"Don't call me yoghurt boy!" Malcolm snivelled.
"Shut up, Yoghurt boy," Jack grunted, and turned over on the couch, only to find his face stuffed into Harry's Pikachu thong.
"Aagh!" Jack shouted, "Harry!"
"What?" Harry asked innocently from the kitchen.
Jack held the offending item of clothing away from him with a breadstick.
"If your thong is here, what are you doing over there?" He questioned dryly.
Malcolm looked up at Harry and shrieked, diving beneath the tablecloth for protection and safety.
"If we're gonna play this game, Harry, I insist that you wear clothes!" Jack hollered, throwing the thong over to Harry.
"Oh, okay, Jack," Harry said brightly, throwing the thong back to him, "I'll go and put some new clothes on!"
Jack let out a cry of "Nnnnoooo!" and dived to the side of the couch to avoid being hit in the face with the offending Pikachu thong.
"Nice dodge," Malcolm commented, peering out from under the tablecloth.
"Thanks," Jack said back, carefully sitting up, "I think it would be better for all of mankind if we disposed of that thong."
"B…b…but how?" Malcolm stammered. "It's…it's hideous!"
"I know that…" Said Jack, edging away from the thong as it lay, seemingly innocently, on the couch, "But somebody has to get rid of it. We'll need full protection - follow me Malcolm."
Jack and Malcolm edged away from the thong and into the first bedroom, searching for protective clothing. Harry was happily changing into his different outfit in the second bedroom, unaware of what was about to befall his Pikachu thong.
**********
Ten minutes later, Jack and Malcolm emerged from the first bedroom in their protective gear. At least, that was what they liked to call it - to anyone else, it looked like they were just trying to have fun dressing up as…things.
Jack was wearing a dressing gown that was done up to his neck, some large Wellington boots and a pair of pants on his head. He was also wearing one of Sam's bras over his face to act as a mask. Malcolm gave him a funny look.
"What? It's a mask!" Jack protested.
"Not just an excuse to put your head somewhere that it would never go in real life?" Malcolm teased.
"Shut up, yoghurt boy!" Jack snapped, "And you can talk - have you looked at yourself in the mirror yet?"
Malcolm was wearing one of Anise's bathrobes that did up to his chin, a pair of underpants on his head and a pair of pink fluffy slippers that had belonged to Martouf on his feet. He had only found a handkerchief to act as a mask, and had stuck it to his head behind his ears using masking tape.
"Where is the offending article?" Jack asked, holding his weapon out before him.
It was of extremely crude design, just five tampons stuck together with masking tape with a lighter on the end, also held on with masking tape. Malcolm's weapon was of similar design - it consisted of a silver spoon wrapped in toilet paper with a pair of nail scissors stuck on the end.
"You first," Jack said, pushing Malcolm forwards, "Just pick up the thong with the scissors, and we'll take it outside and burn it."
Malcolm stepped forwards towards the thong and shuddered. He turned back to Jack, and spoke in a low, terrified whisper.
"It's looking at me."
Jack rolled his eyes and pushed Malcolm further towards the offending article, and rolled his eyes at the camera which was taking great interest in his cotton-covered backside.
With a large degree of difficulty, Malcolm picked up the thong and he and Jack edged out towards the kitchen, Malcolm holding it between the two sides of the scissors with a shaking hand.
"Get the door!" He nearly shrieked at Jack, who ran forwards, tripped over his bathrobe and went headfirst into the bin.
"Ssh!" Malcolm hissed, "He'll hear us!"
**********
It was at that badly timed moment that Harry decided to emerge from the second bedroom, done up to the nines in his best outfit.
It consisted of a pair of denim shorts with Pokémon cards sewn onto them, and a camisole top with a picture of Bulbasaur on it, and the words "You go, Bulbasaur!" In bright neon green writing.
"Guys?" He asked in confusion, walking around the sitting room, "Guys, where are you?"
"Malcolm, run!!" Jack hissed through a mouthful of garbage.
"But…but I can't go! I won't go - not without you!"
"I'll be alright," Jack protested, "Now go! Quickly, before Harry sees us and kills us both!"
"But, Master, without you I will never learn to be a proper Jedi!" Malcolm pleaded.
"You will be a Jedi," Jack promised, "But you must use the force to destroy that Pikachu thong - can't you see that it is a danger to the rest of humanity?"
"Yes, Master," Malcolm said miserably, "But I will need your fire-stick."
"Take it," Jack said, holding out the tampon-and-lighter invention, "Take it and go!"
"I will use the force!" Malcolm promised, and slipped outside of the door, leaving Jack to fend for himself, still stuck headfirst in the bin.
**********
Harry put his hands on his hips and looked around in bewilderment.
"Where are you guys?" He shouted. When there was no response, he sighed and went into the kitchen, at first not noticing the Wellington boots that stuck out of the top of it, with the remains of a dressing gown beneath that.
"I'll just get the twister stuff set up!" Harry smiled, "Then they'll be back!"
At that moment, Jack had a very badly-timed sneeze, and Harry spun around, losing one of the Pokémon cards off of his pair of shorts.
"Charizard," he said fondly, "Come back here."
He pocketed the card and turned back to the bin, where he saw one of the Wellington boots move. Picking up the nearest French loaf, he edged over to the bin, forgetting to look out of the window where there was a large and warm bonfire being lit.
"Who are you?" Harry shouted, "What are you doing in the bin?"
"It's me!" Jack said, in a muffled voice, hoping that Malcolm had done his job.
"Jack?" Harry asked, "What on earth are you doing in the bin?"
"I…uh…I was playing hide and seek!" Jack moaned feebly, wishing that he had a better excuse.
"Let me get you out of there," Harry said, grabbing hold of the Wellingtons and pulling.
Jack popped out of the bin like a cork from a champagne bottle, sending rubbish flying all over the floor.
"Jack!" Harry giggled, "Why have you got one of Sam's bras on your face?"
"I…uh…how did that get there" Jack said, pretending to be aghast and throwing the bra on the floor, turning back to Harry, "It must have been in the bin!"
"Oh, look!" Harry said, "Malcolm's having a bonfire! Let's go take a look!"
Jack's futile attempts to stop Harry from going outside were thwarted with a great deal of ease, and all he could do was watch helplessly whilst Harry bounded over to stand beside Malcolm and gaze at the bonfire.
"Aww…" Harry smiled, "I can almost see Pikachu dancing in the flames!"
Malcolm flinched, and Harry gave a nervous twitch. Jack started edging back inside.
"OH MY GOD!" Harry wailed, and jumped into the fire to rescue his thong.
**********
Half an hour later, the three men were back inside, Malcolm and Jack trying to keep a good distance away from Harry, who was suffering from murderous rage after his thong had been burned into nothing but yellow dust.
"So," he said, "How about that game of twister?"
"But I thought…" Jack began, but Malcolm punched him on the arm to keep him quiet.
"I spent ages setting it up," Harry grumbled, "We might as well play it!"
"Okay," Jack and Malcolm agreed, somewhat reluctantly. What could Harry have in store for them? All they knew was that it wouldn't be good…
**********
Jack frowned as he looked at their pathetic excuse for a twister board. It was simply a white tablecloth, with some cardboard circles in the colours of red, green, blue and yellow that were taped to the sheet.
"So…what do we use for a spinner?" Malcolm asked.
He soon wished that he hadn't.
"Well," Harry grinned, "I'm quite proud of this idea."
He turned around and went into the kitchen for a moment, before returning with an apple, orange, lemon and blueberry and a bottle of baby oil.
Jack looked at Malcolm, and Malcolm looked at Jack. This was getting worse by the minute.
"What…do we have to do with those?" Malcolm ventured.
"Well, you see," Harry went over to the table and poured the baby oil onto it, making it into a very slippery surface, equivalent to a road that was covered in ice. He then placed the four different fruits on the floor just at the end of the table, and looked up at Malcolm and Jack.
"What you have to do is take a run-up to the table, jump onto it, slide along it and then whichever piece of fruit you land closest to correlates to which circle you have to put your foot or hand on!"
"Ah…" Jack protested, "Harry, my knee…"
"Oh, don't worry!" Harry cried jubilantly, "A little oil will loosen your joints up!"
Malcolm buried his face in his hands.
"Oh, and one other thing - you'll have to strip down to your boxers, or the table slide bit won't work."
**********
Five minutes later, Jack found himself standing in front of the greased table, wearing nothing but his boxers. He prayed that his mother would not be watching.
"You go first, Jack!" Harry smirked, "It'll be fun!"
Jack ran at the table and threw himself onto it, sliding across the surface like a seal on ice, and falling in an unceremonious heap on the floor, next to the blueberry.
"Well done!" Harry cheered, "Now, Jack, put your left foot on the blue circle."
Jack grimaced at the feel of the baby oil between his toes, but said nothing and put his foot on the blue circle.
"You go, Malcolm!" Harry smiled, "And I am loving your boxers, by the way."
Malcolm blushed - he was wearing a pair of X-Men boxer shorts that he'd only brought with him in a case of emergency. He also took a run up at the table and skidded across it. He went flying off of the end of it and grabbed the lemon as he crashed into the back of the couch.
"Okay, Malcolm, you put your right hand on the yellow circle." Harry rubbed his hands together, "Now it's my go!"
Harry took a running jump at the table and landed smack in the middle of it. The table then promptly collapsed under the combined pressure that the three men had put on it. Harry was then stuck in the hole which had split the left side of the table from the right, and he was not happy about it.
"JACK!" He screeched, "MALCOLM! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Jack said, getting up and walking towards the bathroom, "I've got to go and shower now…" with that, he ran for the bathroom, but skidded on the floor because of the baby oil on his feet and landed straight in the toilet.
Malcolm got up and edged away from Harry, who was still stuck in the collapsed table.
"I've got to…uh…go and make some pancakes!" He stuttered, skidding on the tiles of the kitchen floor and shooting into the fridge.
"O, woe is me!" Harry bawled, as he remained in the table.
**********
"Housemates, this is Big Brother. I can now reveal that the third-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 is…"
(Stupidly hideous long pause during which you could watch all four seasons of 'The Sopranos' back to back, twice, and you would still not know who had been evicted.)
"Jack."
Jack came out of the shower room dressed in clean clothes and let out a sigh of relief. Malcolm cried like a baby at the thought of being left alone in the house without Jack and with only Harry for company for another hour and a half.
"I'll see you when we get out," Jack promised Malcolm, "Just give him some food and he'll shut up," he advised.
"Bye, Jack!" Harry shouted from the table.
"Bye, Harry!" Jack shouted back.
"5..4...3...2...1...JACK, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. JACK, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."
Jack happily ran up the stairs and practically threw himself out of the doors at the top of the house, where he was met by Sam and Daniel, both of whom were very happy to see him.
"Join me after the break for an interview with the third-place evictee, JACK!"
CROWD CHEERS
**********
"Welcome back, Big Brother fans, I'm here with Jack!"
LOUD CHEERING
"So, Jack, how do you feel now, knowing that you haven't won?"
"Well, it's kind of annoying, but not as annoying as spending another moment in the house with Harry."
BOOING FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS
"Let's talk about Harry. What was it about him that you found particularly difficult to deal with?"
"Well, he was always so loud, and he insisted on walking around the house with barely any clothes on."
"Perhaps he was just trying to express himself."
"No, he was trying to be a pain in the butt and it worked!" Jack snapped.
BOOING FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS
"Shut up!"
SILENCE FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS
"Thank you!" Jack said in exasperation.
"Okay, moving on - how did you feel about Martouf? Back in the early weeks of the show, the two of you didn't really get on, did you?"
"No, because he was an annoying, snake-headed BEEP with no friends and a BEEP-ing stupid haircut - sorry, Sam." Jack added on the end.
"Right. I think we'd better talk about someone you did like - Sam. You two had a bit of a rocky relationship inside the house, could you tell us about this?"
"Well, it all started when she went off with Malcolm…" Jack snapped, glaring at Sam.
"OY!" Sam shouted, pushing her way through the audience to stand next to Jack, "Actually, it was when YOU went off with Anise!"
"Oh, really?" Jack asked, putting his hands on his hips and standing up, "We were just talking!"
"Yeah, with your tongues down each others' throats!" Sam said shrilly.
"Would you stop over-reacting? What about you and Malcolm behind the couch, eh? Tell me you were just talking, and I'll…"
"No, we weren't just talking. But that doesn't excuse the things that you said and did to me inside of that house!"
"You were just as bad!" Jack argued, "Practically every guy apart from Harry got it in with you!"
SLAP
"Ow!"
(The interviewer is watching with glee.)
"Serves you right. Anyway, Interviewer! Why do you have to focus on all of the negative things, huh?"
(Interviewer is no longer smiling.)
"Well, I…we…it raises our ratings!" The interviewer snapped. "Anyway, I'M THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS SO SIT DOWN!"
Sam reluctantly sat down, after almost being blown off the stage by the angry interviewer.
"Jack, what was your favourite moment in the house?"
"I think it was…trying to shove Danny in the chicken house."
"And why was this such a great time for you?"
"It was funny," Jack chuckled, "And I stole his glasses…"
Daniel frowned from the audience, and threw a book at Jack.
"Ow!"
"And what was your worst moment in the house?"
"When Jonas killed the chickens," Jack said, "I think it was a shock to all of us, and it was totally unnecessary."
"Finally, Jack, who would you like to win Stargate Big Brother 2003?"
"I would like Malcolm to win, because the poor guy has been through a lot in these past fourteen weeks, and I think he deserves to win."
"Thank you, Jack, you have been very entertaining throughout your stay in the house. Here are your best moments."
'' by plays, accompanied by clips of Jack in the house.
"Thank you, everyone, It's JACK!"
CHEERING
**********
Next time: It's down to two - Harry and Malcolm. Harry exacts his revenge on Malcolm for burning his thong and the housemates are treated to dinner and dancing for their final hour. Who will win the prize money? Wait and see, my friends…
**********
Author's Note: Tee-hee. Hope you enjoyed it, and please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
**********
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)
Spoilers: References to Titanic and Star Wars.
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: It's down to three, and it's three guys. What will they get up to during their last hours in the house? Well, it involves an unusual game of twister, some baby oil and a table. Jack and Malcolm are on a mission to destroy an offending article of Harry's clothing - will they succeed?
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me; they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.
~ Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 2) ~
Copyright © 2004 Ruth
**********
"Hello and welcome back to the second part of the Stargate Big Brother 2003 final! Sam just became the fourth-place winner of the show, but who will come in third? Stay tuned to find out…"
**********
"So…" Harry said, sitting on the couch and twiddling nervously with the edge of his Pikachu thong. "What are we going to do? We have at least an hour and a half before the next one of us leaves, there's got to be something for us to do."
"How about a game of Twister?" Malcolm suggested brightly.
"Yeah!" Harry cheered, "Let's go!"
"Oh, wait a minute…" Malcolm said, his voice trailing off, "I think we…uh…misplaced the mat…."
"Where?" Harry questioned.
"I...um…well…we…" Malcolm stuttered. "You see, it's like this…"
Harry waved his hands in the air.
"Don't bother - we'll have to make our own Twister mat."
"With what?" Jack snapped, "Pieces of fruit?"
"Wow!" Harry cheered, "Jack, you are just full of great ideas today!"
He rushed off into the kitchen to find the appropriate pieces of fruit, whilst Malcolm went over to the table and stripped it of its white cloth, to be used as the board.
"Hey! Harry!" Malcolm shouted suddenly, "What can we use as a spinner?"
"I've got it all worked out, Yoghurt-boy," Harry yelled from the kitchen, accidentally stepping in a saucepan and going arse over tit on the kitchen floor.
"Don't call me yoghurt boy!" Malcolm snivelled.
"Shut up, Yoghurt boy," Jack grunted, and turned over on the couch, only to find his face stuffed into Harry's Pikachu thong.
"Aagh!" Jack shouted, "Harry!"
"What?" Harry asked innocently from the kitchen.
Jack held the offending item of clothing away from him with a breadstick.
"If your thong is here, what are you doing over there?" He questioned dryly.
Malcolm looked up at Harry and shrieked, diving beneath the tablecloth for protection and safety.
"If we're gonna play this game, Harry, I insist that you wear clothes!" Jack hollered, throwing the thong over to Harry.
"Oh, okay, Jack," Harry said brightly, throwing the thong back to him, "I'll go and put some new clothes on!"
Jack let out a cry of "Nnnnoooo!" and dived to the side of the couch to avoid being hit in the face with the offending Pikachu thong.
"Nice dodge," Malcolm commented, peering out from under the tablecloth.
"Thanks," Jack said back, carefully sitting up, "I think it would be better for all of mankind if we disposed of that thong."
"B…b…but how?" Malcolm stammered. "It's…it's hideous!"
"I know that…" Said Jack, edging away from the thong as it lay, seemingly innocently, on the couch, "But somebody has to get rid of it. We'll need full protection - follow me Malcolm."
Jack and Malcolm edged away from the thong and into the first bedroom, searching for protective clothing. Harry was happily changing into his different outfit in the second bedroom, unaware of what was about to befall his Pikachu thong.
**********
Ten minutes later, Jack and Malcolm emerged from the first bedroom in their protective gear. At least, that was what they liked to call it - to anyone else, it looked like they were just trying to have fun dressing up as…things.
Jack was wearing a dressing gown that was done up to his neck, some large Wellington boots and a pair of pants on his head. He was also wearing one of Sam's bras over his face to act as a mask. Malcolm gave him a funny look.
"What? It's a mask!" Jack protested.
"Not just an excuse to put your head somewhere that it would never go in real life?" Malcolm teased.
"Shut up, yoghurt boy!" Jack snapped, "And you can talk - have you looked at yourself in the mirror yet?"
Malcolm was wearing one of Anise's bathrobes that did up to his chin, a pair of underpants on his head and a pair of pink fluffy slippers that had belonged to Martouf on his feet. He had only found a handkerchief to act as a mask, and had stuck it to his head behind his ears using masking tape.
"Where is the offending article?" Jack asked, holding his weapon out before him.
It was of extremely crude design, just five tampons stuck together with masking tape with a lighter on the end, also held on with masking tape. Malcolm's weapon was of similar design - it consisted of a silver spoon wrapped in toilet paper with a pair of nail scissors stuck on the end.
"You first," Jack said, pushing Malcolm forwards, "Just pick up the thong with the scissors, and we'll take it outside and burn it."
Malcolm stepped forwards towards the thong and shuddered. He turned back to Jack, and spoke in a low, terrified whisper.
"It's looking at me."
Jack rolled his eyes and pushed Malcolm further towards the offending article, and rolled his eyes at the camera which was taking great interest in his cotton-covered backside.
With a large degree of difficulty, Malcolm picked up the thong and he and Jack edged out towards the kitchen, Malcolm holding it between the two sides of the scissors with a shaking hand.
"Get the door!" He nearly shrieked at Jack, who ran forwards, tripped over his bathrobe and went headfirst into the bin.
"Ssh!" Malcolm hissed, "He'll hear us!"
**********
It was at that badly timed moment that Harry decided to emerge from the second bedroom, done up to the nines in his best outfit.
It consisted of a pair of denim shorts with Pokémon cards sewn onto them, and a camisole top with a picture of Bulbasaur on it, and the words "You go, Bulbasaur!" In bright neon green writing.
"Guys?" He asked in confusion, walking around the sitting room, "Guys, where are you?"
"Malcolm, run!!" Jack hissed through a mouthful of garbage.
"But…but I can't go! I won't go - not without you!"
"I'll be alright," Jack protested, "Now go! Quickly, before Harry sees us and kills us both!"
"But, Master, without you I will never learn to be a proper Jedi!" Malcolm pleaded.
"You will be a Jedi," Jack promised, "But you must use the force to destroy that Pikachu thong - can't you see that it is a danger to the rest of humanity?"
"Yes, Master," Malcolm said miserably, "But I will need your fire-stick."
"Take it," Jack said, holding out the tampon-and-lighter invention, "Take it and go!"
"I will use the force!" Malcolm promised, and slipped outside of the door, leaving Jack to fend for himself, still stuck headfirst in the bin.
**********
Harry put his hands on his hips and looked around in bewilderment.
"Where are you guys?" He shouted. When there was no response, he sighed and went into the kitchen, at first not noticing the Wellington boots that stuck out of the top of it, with the remains of a dressing gown beneath that.
"I'll just get the twister stuff set up!" Harry smiled, "Then they'll be back!"
At that moment, Jack had a very badly-timed sneeze, and Harry spun around, losing one of the Pokémon cards off of his pair of shorts.
"Charizard," he said fondly, "Come back here."
He pocketed the card and turned back to the bin, where he saw one of the Wellington boots move. Picking up the nearest French loaf, he edged over to the bin, forgetting to look out of the window where there was a large and warm bonfire being lit.
"Who are you?" Harry shouted, "What are you doing in the bin?"
"It's me!" Jack said, in a muffled voice, hoping that Malcolm had done his job.
"Jack?" Harry asked, "What on earth are you doing in the bin?"
"I…uh…I was playing hide and seek!" Jack moaned feebly, wishing that he had a better excuse.
"Let me get you out of there," Harry said, grabbing hold of the Wellingtons and pulling.
Jack popped out of the bin like a cork from a champagne bottle, sending rubbish flying all over the floor.
"Jack!" Harry giggled, "Why have you got one of Sam's bras on your face?"
"I…uh…how did that get there" Jack said, pretending to be aghast and throwing the bra on the floor, turning back to Harry, "It must have been in the bin!"
"Oh, look!" Harry said, "Malcolm's having a bonfire! Let's go take a look!"
Jack's futile attempts to stop Harry from going outside were thwarted with a great deal of ease, and all he could do was watch helplessly whilst Harry bounded over to stand beside Malcolm and gaze at the bonfire.
"Aww…" Harry smiled, "I can almost see Pikachu dancing in the flames!"
Malcolm flinched, and Harry gave a nervous twitch. Jack started edging back inside.
"OH MY GOD!" Harry wailed, and jumped into the fire to rescue his thong.
**********
Half an hour later, the three men were back inside, Malcolm and Jack trying to keep a good distance away from Harry, who was suffering from murderous rage after his thong had been burned into nothing but yellow dust.
"So," he said, "How about that game of twister?"
"But I thought…" Jack began, but Malcolm punched him on the arm to keep him quiet.
"I spent ages setting it up," Harry grumbled, "We might as well play it!"
"Okay," Jack and Malcolm agreed, somewhat reluctantly. What could Harry have in store for them? All they knew was that it wouldn't be good…
**********
Jack frowned as he looked at their pathetic excuse for a twister board. It was simply a white tablecloth, with some cardboard circles in the colours of red, green, blue and yellow that were taped to the sheet.
"So…what do we use for a spinner?" Malcolm asked.
He soon wished that he hadn't.
"Well," Harry grinned, "I'm quite proud of this idea."
He turned around and went into the kitchen for a moment, before returning with an apple, orange, lemon and blueberry and a bottle of baby oil.
Jack looked at Malcolm, and Malcolm looked at Jack. This was getting worse by the minute.
"What…do we have to do with those?" Malcolm ventured.
"Well, you see," Harry went over to the table and poured the baby oil onto it, making it into a very slippery surface, equivalent to a road that was covered in ice. He then placed the four different fruits on the floor just at the end of the table, and looked up at Malcolm and Jack.
"What you have to do is take a run-up to the table, jump onto it, slide along it and then whichever piece of fruit you land closest to correlates to which circle you have to put your foot or hand on!"
"Ah…" Jack protested, "Harry, my knee…"
"Oh, don't worry!" Harry cried jubilantly, "A little oil will loosen your joints up!"
Malcolm buried his face in his hands.
"Oh, and one other thing - you'll have to strip down to your boxers, or the table slide bit won't work."
**********
Five minutes later, Jack found himself standing in front of the greased table, wearing nothing but his boxers. He prayed that his mother would not be watching.
"You go first, Jack!" Harry smirked, "It'll be fun!"
Jack ran at the table and threw himself onto it, sliding across the surface like a seal on ice, and falling in an unceremonious heap on the floor, next to the blueberry.
"Well done!" Harry cheered, "Now, Jack, put your left foot on the blue circle."
Jack grimaced at the feel of the baby oil between his toes, but said nothing and put his foot on the blue circle.
"You go, Malcolm!" Harry smiled, "And I am loving your boxers, by the way."
Malcolm blushed - he was wearing a pair of X-Men boxer shorts that he'd only brought with him in a case of emergency. He also took a run up at the table and skidded across it. He went flying off of the end of it and grabbed the lemon as he crashed into the back of the couch.
"Okay, Malcolm, you put your right hand on the yellow circle." Harry rubbed his hands together, "Now it's my go!"
Harry took a running jump at the table and landed smack in the middle of it. The table then promptly collapsed under the combined pressure that the three men had put on it. Harry was then stuck in the hole which had split the left side of the table from the right, and he was not happy about it.
"JACK!" He screeched, "MALCOLM! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Jack said, getting up and walking towards the bathroom, "I've got to go and shower now…" with that, he ran for the bathroom, but skidded on the floor because of the baby oil on his feet and landed straight in the toilet.
Malcolm got up and edged away from Harry, who was still stuck in the collapsed table.
"I've got to…uh…go and make some pancakes!" He stuttered, skidding on the tiles of the kitchen floor and shooting into the fridge.
"O, woe is me!" Harry bawled, as he remained in the table.
**********
"Housemates, this is Big Brother. I can now reveal that the third-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 is…"
(Stupidly hideous long pause during which you could watch all four seasons of 'The Sopranos' back to back, twice, and you would still not know who had been evicted.)
"Jack."
Jack came out of the shower room dressed in clean clothes and let out a sigh of relief. Malcolm cried like a baby at the thought of being left alone in the house without Jack and with only Harry for company for another hour and a half.
"I'll see you when we get out," Jack promised Malcolm, "Just give him some food and he'll shut up," he advised.
"Bye, Jack!" Harry shouted from the table.
"Bye, Harry!" Jack shouted back.
"5..4...3...2...1...JACK, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. JACK, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."
Jack happily ran up the stairs and practically threw himself out of the doors at the top of the house, where he was met by Sam and Daniel, both of whom were very happy to see him.
"Join me after the break for an interview with the third-place evictee, JACK!"
CROWD CHEERS
**********
"Welcome back, Big Brother fans, I'm here with Jack!"
LOUD CHEERING
"So, Jack, how do you feel now, knowing that you haven't won?"
"Well, it's kind of annoying, but not as annoying as spending another moment in the house with Harry."
BOOING FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS
"Let's talk about Harry. What was it about him that you found particularly difficult to deal with?"
"Well, he was always so loud, and he insisted on walking around the house with barely any clothes on."
"Perhaps he was just trying to express himself."
"No, he was trying to be a pain in the butt and it worked!" Jack snapped.
BOOING FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS
"Shut up!"
SILENCE FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS
"Thank you!" Jack said in exasperation.
"Okay, moving on - how did you feel about Martouf? Back in the early weeks of the show, the two of you didn't really get on, did you?"
"No, because he was an annoying, snake-headed BEEP with no friends and a BEEP-ing stupid haircut - sorry, Sam." Jack added on the end.
"Right. I think we'd better talk about someone you did like - Sam. You two had a bit of a rocky relationship inside the house, could you tell us about this?"
"Well, it all started when she went off with Malcolm…" Jack snapped, glaring at Sam.
"OY!" Sam shouted, pushing her way through the audience to stand next to Jack, "Actually, it was when YOU went off with Anise!"
"Oh, really?" Jack asked, putting his hands on his hips and standing up, "We were just talking!"
"Yeah, with your tongues down each others' throats!" Sam said shrilly.
"Would you stop over-reacting? What about you and Malcolm behind the couch, eh? Tell me you were just talking, and I'll…"
"No, we weren't just talking. But that doesn't excuse the things that you said and did to me inside of that house!"
"You were just as bad!" Jack argued, "Practically every guy apart from Harry got it in with you!"
SLAP
"Ow!"
(The interviewer is watching with glee.)
"Serves you right. Anyway, Interviewer! Why do you have to focus on all of the negative things, huh?"
(Interviewer is no longer smiling.)
"Well, I…we…it raises our ratings!" The interviewer snapped. "Anyway, I'M THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS SO SIT DOWN!"
Sam reluctantly sat down, after almost being blown off the stage by the angry interviewer.
"Jack, what was your favourite moment in the house?"
"I think it was…trying to shove Danny in the chicken house."
"And why was this such a great time for you?"
"It was funny," Jack chuckled, "And I stole his glasses…"
Daniel frowned from the audience, and threw a book at Jack.
"Ow!"
"And what was your worst moment in the house?"
"When Jonas killed the chickens," Jack said, "I think it was a shock to all of us, and it was totally unnecessary."
"Finally, Jack, who would you like to win Stargate Big Brother 2003?"
"I would like Malcolm to win, because the poor guy has been through a lot in these past fourteen weeks, and I think he deserves to win."
"Thank you, Jack, you have been very entertaining throughout your stay in the house. Here are your best moments."
'' by plays, accompanied by clips of Jack in the house.
"Thank you, everyone, It's JACK!"
CHEERING
**********
Next time: It's down to two - Harry and Malcolm. Harry exacts his revenge on Malcolm for burning his thong and the housemates are treated to dinner and dancing for their final hour. Who will win the prize money? Wait and see, my friends…
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Author's Note: Tee-hee. Hope you enjoyed it, and please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
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