Title: Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 3)

Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)

Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net

Spoilers: References to Pokémon, Happy Meals, Barbie, McDonalds and Girls Aloud.

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's down to two - Harry and Malcolm. Harry exacts his revenge on Malcolm for burning his thong and the housemates are treated to dinner and dancing for their final hour. Sort of.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me; they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.

~ Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 3) ~

Copyright © 2004 Ruth

**********

Malcolm smiled nervously at Harry, and shifted nervously away from him on the couch.

"So…yoghurt boy," Harry began, edging closer to Malcolm, who promptly fell off of the edge of the couch. "You're a mite on the edge tonight."

"Yeah," Malcolm smiled, backing away from Harry on the floor, "I'm just a little nervous…"

"About what? Winning the big money?" Harry suggested, following Malcolm across the floor.

"Mmm…yes and no," Malcolm laughed nervously, backing away from Harry at an even faster speed.

"Perhaps…" Harry suggested, "You're more worried about me."

"Worried about you?" Malcolm asked, "Why would I be w…worried about you?"

"Oh, I think you know why, yoghurt boy," Harry snarled, backing Malcolm up against the fridge door.

"N…no…" Malcolm stammered.

"FOR BURNING MY THONG!" Harry shrieked, turning around and grabbing a saucepan full of hot custard, throwing it in Malcolm's direction. Malcolm squealed and leapt out of the way of the custard, just in time as it hit the fridge and froze into a solid lump, like a Frisbee.

"Come back here!" Harry shouted, as Malcolm did a quick 180 and ran towards the garden. Harry pulled the custard Frisbee off of the fridge and ran after Malcolm, brandishing his weapon fiercely.

"Have mercy!" Malcolm shouted, "Please have mercy!"

"What, the same mercy you showed to my thong?" Harry yelled, catching up with Malcolm and throwing the Frisbee at him.

Unfortunately, Harry was a good aim and the custard Frisbee struck Malcolm in the back of the head and he went down into the mud, where Harry promptly sat on him.

"Frrmmms!" Malcolm protested, "Crr! Sshhhh ttre!"

"I can't hear you," Harry said in a sing-song voice, waggling his hips so that Malcolm was pushed further into the mud.

"FRRRMMM! SHHHH TTRREE CRR!"

Malcolm rolled over and wrestled Harry to the ground, wiping mud off of his face at the same time.

"Can we just agree to behave like adults about this?" Malcolm pleaded, "We just always fight, people must be getting so bored!"

Harry nodded, and allowed Malcolm to pull him up.

"Let's go inside and have some custard," Harry suggested.

As they walked past the swimming pool, however, Harry accidentally-on-purpose stuck his foot out and Malcolm went headfirst into the water. With a small smirk, Harry went back inside and locked the door, waiting for Malcolm to try and get back in.

**********

"HARRY! HARRY, LET ME BACK IN!" Malcolm shouted, pounding on the door with his fists.

"Hmm…let me see…how about NO?"

"Harry!" Malcolm begged, "Pleeeeeeeaaaaasssseeeee!"

"Oh, quit your whinging!" Harry said, unlocking the door and poking his head out, "I said NO!"

Malcolm took his chance and kicked Harry in the groin, sending him careening backwards and into the oven. He slipped inside the house and locked the door behind him, and even made himself a cup of tea before retrieving Harry from the oven.

"Shake?" Malcolm asked.

"I'd like a strawberry," Harry agreed.

Malcolm groaned inwardly.

"Shake hands?"

"Nah," Harry said, flouncing off in the direction of the sitting room.

**********

"Housemates, this is Big Brother. As you are the last two remaining housemates, we have decided to treat you to dinner and dancing. If you go to the store cupboard now, we hope you will be pleased. Have a nice evening!"

Flushed with excitement, Harry and Malcolm raced to the store cupboard expecting a five-star meal, two beautiful women, waiters and fine music.

Instead, they found two Barbie dolls, a happy meal and the Girls Aloud album.

"WHAT?" Harry asked. "They can't be serious! We have to dance with a Barbie, and eat a happy meal?"

"Something must be wrong," Malcolm agreed, "Let's go to the diary room."

Picking up the happy meal, Harry followed Malcolm out of the cupboard and into the diary room, where he also pushed him off of the chair and made him sit on the floor.

"Hello, Harry."

"Hello Big Brother. We've come here to tell you about a mistake surrounding the dinner and dancing."

"Continue, Harry."

"Well, we were expecting fine food, wine, women…and music, but we just found a couple of Barbie dolls, a Girls Aloud album and a mouldy old Happy Meal!"

"Yes?"

"You mean…that's what we are supposed to get?"

"Well, no, not originally, but we've had to change our plans slightly."

"How slightly?"

"Well, ever since we showed the episode where Jonas killed the chickens we've been having trouble with our broadcasting company, and they've now decided to sue us. Being Big Brother, we hired a pretentious lawyer and plan to counter-sue them for all the money they've got."

"But…isn't that…kinda…suing yourself?" Malcolm asked.

"Yes, I suppose it is. Anyway, our pretentious lawyer told us to make arrangements and cutbacks so that we have as much money as possible by the time this is over."

"So…what are you gonna do next, cut our power supply?" Malcolm asked sarcastically.

The lights went out.

"D'oh!"

**********

"Okay, so we're stuck here with a mouldy Happy Meal, no electricity, no water, no gas, and two Barbie dolls."

"Great way to make a guy feel better, yoghurt-boy," Harry sulked, "We don't even know when it's time for one of us to be evicted!"

"How is that my fault?" Malcolm snapped.

"I don't know," Harry replied, "It just is."

"I bet you were looking forwards to the dancing and dinner…" Malcolm began, "It was the perfect opportunity for you to wear a dress!"

Harry picked up a chicken nugget from the happy meal and threw it at Malcolm, striking him in the ear.

"Harry! Stop wasting the food!" Malcolm said, "That's got to last us an hour!"

"Isn't beef supposed to make you fat?" Harry mumbled thoughtfully.

Malcolm laughed. "There's no beef in McDonalds' food, Harry!"

"Oh. Okay, then!"

(Munching noise)

**********

"Housemates, this is Big Brother. We apologise for the lack of warning but one of you is about to be evicted."

"Agh!" Harry shouted, throwing the remains of the happy meal into the air and showering Malcolm in French fries.

"Nnooo!" Malcolm said, picking the fries out of his hair.

"I can now reveal that after many painful weeks of boredom, yoghurts, thongs and fights, that the winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 is…"

(Hideously long pause during which you could watch 'The Shawshank Redemption' followed by 'The Godfather Trilogy' and topping it off with 'The Return of the King' before the winner had been announced.)

"HARRY!"

Harry squealed and shot up in the air, unfortunately hitting his head on the light and falling rapidly back down again.

"HA!" He shouted at Malcolm, "YOU LOSE! YOU LOSE!"

"Malcolm, you have ten seconds to say your goodbyes…I'm coming to get you!"

"Bye!" said Malcolm, "Harry, it's been…terrible!"

"Sweet, dude!" Harry replied, shaking his hand and grinning at him in the darkness, "But I won!"

"Yeah, I know you did," Malcolm said, his temper wearing thin. "Would you like a winning present?"

"Oooh! A present!" Harry squealed excitedly, "Let me have it!"

"Sure," Malcolm smirked, and punched Harry in the nose. "Bye!"

"MALCOLM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. MALCOLM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE!"

Malcolm stepped out of the house to rapturous applause from the assembled crowd.

"Join me after the break for an interview with the second-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003...Malcolm!"

CHEERING

**********

"Hello and welcome back to Stargate Big Brother. I'm here with the runner-up, MALCOLM!"

CHEERING

"Hello, Malcolm. First, how did you find your time in the house?"

"Well, the first few weeks were great, but towards the end it just dragged too much, and it was totally boring."

"Who did you get on with well in the house?"

"Um…Janet and Sam, really - but Daniel was also great."

"Now, speaking of Sam…we've already had her view on what happened 'that night' but can you back it up for us? What actually happened? Did you do it?"

"We did."

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

"Well, it's nice to have that cleared up. You know, that is what everyone has been waiting to find out since the show started!"

"Really?"

"Well, that and why Jonas murdered the chickens."

"Did you ever find out why?"

"Nah. He went mad and smashed up the studio - we all ran for our lives."

"Sweet."

"Anyway, we're kind of straying from the point…who did you not get on with in the house?"

"Mainly Jack and Harry - neither of them particularly liked me, and McKenzie didn't like anybody. Apart from them, things were okay."

"What would you say was your favourite moment from the show?"

"The assault course was…amusing, but apart from that there wasn't really anything that happened which wasn't a disaster, maiming, murder or an explosion."

"What was the worst part of your stay?"

"When Jonas killed the chickens. I'm sorry, but that was just cold-blooded murder."

"Well, Malcolm, you have been an interesting person to watch over the past…long time, thank you for the entertainment! Here are your best moments.

'Not a Day Goes By' by Lonestar plays, with clips of Malcolm and his various yoghurts.

"Thank you, everybody, it's MALCOLM!"

CHEERING

**********

"Now, my friends and fellow viewers, it's time to welcome the winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 back to the studio - Harry!"

WILD CHEERING AND CHANTS OF "HARRY, HARRY!"

Harry appeared at the top of the stairs, totally butt-naked. Several hundred people in the front row passed out, and those in the row behind were equally shocked. (In total, one thousand people had to be treated in hospital with injuries that were self-inflicted.)

CHEERING CONTINUES

"Err…hello, Harry?"

"HI!"

(Harry squeals excitedly and runs up to hug the interviewer, who flees in terror but is not quite fast enough.)

"Aagh! Security! Get this man a robe!"

BURLY SECURITY GUARDS GRAB HARRY AND SHOVE HIM INTO A PINK BATHROBE

"Right. Are you ready to begin the interview, Harry?"

"Yeah!"

"First off, how do you feel about winning the competition?"

"Wow. I just feel totally…cool, wicked, great, fantastic and HA MALCOLM YOU DIDN'T WIN!"

"Yes. Who would you say that you got on best with in the house?"

"Oh, Jack, without a doubt," Harry smirked, "We're just totally the best of friends."

(Cough) "Bullshit!" (Cough)

"I heard that! I'm not stupid! There's no bus stop around here!"

(Interviewer sniggers)

"Aren't you supposed to be conducting an interview?"

"Yes, sorry. Who did you hate to be in the house with?"

"Anise and Malcolm. Anise, because we were like, going out for a while, but she was just a total b-itch, and Malcolm, for the same reason."

"You were going out with Malcolm? I see…"

"NO! I meant that Malcolm was a bitch! Agh!"

"OH! I see. Sorry, it was an easy mistake to make."

"What was your favourite moment in the house?"

"Doing the assault course was cool, man, and also when Jonas put Malcolm on the barbecue. That was sweet."

"And what was your least favourite moment in the house?"

"Oh, dude, do you even have to ask? Surely you know!"

"If I knew, Harry, why would I be asking you?"

LONG PAUSE

"True. Ok, my worst moment in the house was…WHEN YOGHURT BOY BURNED MY THONG!"

"Oh, yes, silly me - how could I have forgotten…"

"IT WAS MY ONLY FRIEND IN THE WORLD!" Harry wailed.

INTERVIEWER LEANS OVER AND SLAPS HARRY

"It's a freakin' thong, for crying out loud!"

(Sniffle)

"Well, Harry, now that you've won - what do you intend to do with the prize money?"

"I'm gonna spend it on sex, drugs and rock n'roll!"

"So…no charitable donations?"

"Nope!"

"No…sharing it out between friends?"

"Nope!"

"No…helping to pay off parents' debts?"

"Hell, no!"

"What are you? A man, or a monster?"

"I'd say the latter," Harry proclaimed proudly, grabbing the cheque from the interviewer's hand and doing a runner with it.

"I'll say!" The Interviewer agreed.

"I'd just like to thank you for watching us over the past few weeks, and for getting our ratings back up high enough to be able to broadcast the latest series of American Idol!"

BOOING

"Well, it's your own damned fault! Anyway, we hope you can join us next time, for the inevitable next series of Big Brother! Goodbye, people, and remember, if Jonas Hanson turns up at your door, run away!"

THE END

Author's Note: I can hardly believe that it's finally finished. It's been a challenge, and at times a terrific pain in the butt, but it's finished. What are your thoughts? Please feel free to send me feedback here: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net . Until the next crossover fic, ciao!