Title: Big Brother Stargate – The After-Party
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references and violence)
Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Spoilers: You need to have read the other 20-odd chapters. g
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: All 10 housemates are re-united in what promises to be a disastrous, chair-throwing, profanity-filled party.
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me; they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.
~ Big Brother Stargate – The After-Party! ~
Copyright © 2004 Ruth
**********
"Hello and welcome back to Stargate Big Brother! As it's no longer 2003, but this isn't series 2004, we've left the date out. How this is important, I don't know, but it's on the autocue...Anyway, welcome to what promises to be the party of the year!! We have all 10 housemates back together in one room, with alcohol and chairs. What could possibly go right?"
CHEERING
"Let's go live to the party now. Enjoy. Be warned that this party will almost certainly contain strong language and violence."
**********
Sam and Daniel stopped outside the door and looked at each other. Daniel swallowed nervously.
"Uh…Sam…I have a really, really bad feeling about this party."
"Me too, Danny," she replied, squeezing his hand encouragingly, "But it's only a couple of hours. We just have to try and stick together."
"Thanks," he smiled, "Let's get this over with."
He opened the door, and came face to face with Hathor, who was wearing nothing but a zebra-print bikini and a pair of scarily high stilettos.
"Aagh!" Daniel shrieked, and ran off in another direction. Sam tried to follow him, but Hathor grabbed hold of her arm.
"You are the one that would defeat us!" she spat.
"Yeah, that would be me," Sam replied, "Now would ya let go of my friggin' arm?"
"No!" Hathor smiled nastily, "Or you will ruin his surprise."
"What sort of surprise?" Sam asked, "What are you doing to him?"
-Somewhere in another room-
"OH MY GOD! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!"
**********
Jack shifted uneasily away from Anise on the couch. She followed him, so he shifted again.
"Why the unease, Jack?" Anise whispered huskily, "We're consenting adults."
Jack tried to take his mind off of things by taking a drink of water, but as Anise's hand strayed dangerously close to his groin he spat it all over the person in front of him.
"Oh, sorry, um…" Jack said, standing up just in time, as Anise was making a pass at his butt.
"Martouf," came the irritated reply.
"Hey, Marty!" Jack smirked, giving him a slap on the back, "Long time, no see!"
"Indeed, and I was just beginning to enjoy myself," Martouf replied bitterly.
"You like me really," Jack grinned, "Come on, let's get some punch."
"Don't leave me, Jack," Anise purred, "You know you can't resist me."
Jack's grip tightened on Martouf's arm as he led him away.
"You're gonna need more than punch with that!" Martouf smiled.
**********
Janet and Sam stood in the corner of the room, with Daniel behind them.
"Why did I come here?" Sam asked Janet thoughtfully.
"Same reason I did," Janet replied, "To watch Anise and Hathor trying to make passes at Jack and Danny."
"Hey!" Daniel replied, hurt, "I could say that I was coming to watch Sam make out with Malcolm, but I didn't!"
This time it was Sam that spat out her drink.
"Danny!"
"Where is Malcolm, anyway?" Janet asked, "I haven't seen him yet."
"He probably has the sense not to come in the first place," Sam commented.
At that moment, Hathor emerged from a storage cupboard with a pink feather boa around her neck. Danny let out a squeak of terror and ducked behind Sam and Janet again.
After Hathor had passed by, a quiet voice said:
"Janet, may I take this moment to tell you how nice your butt looks in this dress?"
Janet smiled and looked at Sam.
"Some people have all the luck," Sam grunted, "I'm off to avoid everybody. Have fun!"
**********
Jack was also trying to avoid everybody - and by everybody I mean Anise. Every time he saw her, she had less and less clothes on.
"Uh…don't you think you'd better put some…clothes on?" Jack stammered, "I mean, you wouldn't want to get cold, would you?"
"How could I possibly get cold," said Anise, pulling her shirt open, "In the heat of such passion?"
"Eek!" Jack squeaked, and edged away from her, backing himself into the wall.
"I didn't know you liked walls," Anise smiled, "Perhaps you'd like to show me…"
"Colonel!"
Jack looked up with relief to see Sam standing behind Anise, with her arms folded.
"That's a nasty rash you've got there," Sam commented, "Perhaps you'd better get it looked at."
"Go to hell, Carter!" Anise spat, "He's mine! All MINE!"
Jack looked pleadingly at Sam as Anise got within inches of his face.
Sam rolled her eyes, grabbed hold of Anise and forcibly moved her out of Jack's way.
"Come on," Sam said, "Quickly - she's like a limpet."
**********
Jonas whistled a cheery tune as he walked into the party, to see a half-naked Anise sitting by the door, waiting to pounce on Jack when he was least expecting it.
"Jonas!" she smiled, "How nice to see you!"
"Yes," Jonas said, "Unfortunately I can't return the sentiment."
He walked off in the direction of the punch.
It was at that moment that Harry decided to make his grand entrance - wearing nothing but, yep, you guessed it…a Pikachu loincloth.
"Where do you get those clothes?" Jonas asked, disgusted.
"Jonas!" Harry shouted, "The chicken killer is here!"
"That's me!" Jonas proclaimed loudly, "Where's Sam?"
"She saved Jack from being groped to death by Anise, and then the two of them went outside," Hathor said helpfully, "I could assist you in harming them, if you like."
Jonas frowned.
"No thank you, I prefer to work alone. And wearing clothes."
**********
"Carter, you saved my butt back there," Jack said, "Thanks."
"No problem. It was painful to watch, anyway. I would have done it for anyone."
"Do we really have to go back in there?" Jack asked, "If Anise doesn't jump me, then Hathor will, and…"
"Well, aren't you just Mr Popularity?" came a snide voice from the darkness.
Without having to look around, Sam sighed.
"Jonas?"
"That's right, baby. It's my name, don't wear it out."
"I wouldn't dream of it," Sam replied, looking warily at her ex.
"Come back inside, guys! You're missing the party! Harry just arrived!"
"Did his clothes arrive with him?" Jack asked.
"No," Jonas said, "I wouldn't expect that to happen until hell freezes over."
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," Sam added.
**********
"I WON!" Harry shouted, dancing up and down on the table, "I WON, YOU DIDN'T! HA HA HA HA! I'M RICH, YOU'RE NOT! HA HA HA!"
Daniel picked an apple out of a bowl, felt it in his hand, and lobbed it at Harry. He hit him in the nose and Harry let out a shriek, falling into a bowl of crisps.
"You ruined the cheese and onion!" Hathor complained, "Now I'm going to have to remove the rest of my clothes in a blind rage!"
"Aagh!" Daniel cried, "No! Please! You look perfectly ok as you are!"
"I'm just so…"
"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!" Harry chanted, "I love it when Danny acts like an ickow gurl!"
Daniel ran off. Harry picked up a handful of the crisps and stuffed them into his mouth, chewing noisily.
"So…babe…you single?" he drawled.
Hathor spat at him.
"I'm taken - the handsome Daniel Jackson is desperately in love with me!" she smirked.
"Really?" Harry asked, "That's obviously news to him. Look - he's over there with his hand on Janet Fraiser's butt!"
"Nnnnoooo!" Hathor yelled, diving at Janet, arms flailing.
"Agh!" Janet shrieked, jumping out of the way and running into Sam as she returned from outside.
"Janet, what is it?" Sam asked, and ducked just before an orange hit her in the head. Instead, it hit Jonas in the head.
"Who threw that orange?" he demanded, wiping the peel off of his face.
"Nobody," Harry said, "Absolutely no reason to go on a killing spree, just get a grip…"
Jonas marched over to Harry and began to strangle him.
"Good grip!" Harry squeaked. Jonas soon became bored of him, and dunked him headfirst in the crisps again.
"I saw my whole life flash before my eyes!" Harry moaned.
"How boring for you," Sam replied.
At that moment, Malcolm walked past, eating a yoghurt.
"HEY! Yoghurt boy!" Jonas shouted gleefully, giving Malcolm such a violent slap on the back that he went face-first into the yoghurt.
"Leave him alone," Sam said softly, "Go and pick on someone in your own gene pool!"
"Well, that would be you!" Jonas smiled, entwining his arm in hers.
"Dammit, Jonas, get off of my arm!" Sam protested, trying to wriggle out of his grasp.
"Why? You afraid that Mr Popularity will see us?" Jonas smiled, "I wouldn't. He's stuck in the corner of the room with those two lovelies Anise and Hathor."
"SSAAAAAAMMMM!" came a yell from said corner.
"I'm kind of wrapped up here myself!" she shouted back, as Jonas bundled her out of the room and into the caretaker's closet.
**********
Daniel and Janet sat in the corner of the room, gazing lovingly into each others' eyes.
"Shall we get out of here?" he asked softly.
"Yeah," Janet agreed, "I don't think anybody will miss us."
"JANET!" Sam shouted, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"
"Sam?" Janet asked, torn between helping her friend and leaving quickly with the drop-dead gorgeous archaeologist.
"Jonas, you even think about it and this broom is going so far up your butt that you'll be chewing it until next year!"
Daniel raised his eyebrows.
"I think Sam can take care of herself," he said, taking Janet's arm in his, "C'mon."
"JANET! DANIEL! DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME IN HERE!"
"I like it when you talk dirty."
PUNCH
"Ow!"
"How'd you like that?" Sam spat back, kicking him in the balls and breaking down the door, running back out into the centre of the room and straight into Harry.
"Whoa, what's going on?" Harry asked.
"Where are Danny and Janet?" Sam asked, looking fearfully behind her as Jonas emerged from the closet.
"They just high-tailed it out of here to go make sweet love, I guess," Harry smirked, "Why? Want to join them?"
**********
"Sam, I could really use your help over here!" Jack shouted, as Anise offered to give him a sensual massage.
"I'll give you some help," Jonas smirked, taking a lighter from his pocket and going over to the nearest chair. He waited until the chair had caught fire before he threw it at Jack, sending Anise and Hathor flying.
"My boa!" Hathor shouted, "It's on fire!"
"Better get you cooled off," Jonas smirked, dunking her in the punch.
"Jonas, why do you always have to ruin a party?" Sam asked, watching as Jack threw a cup of orange juice on the wall to try and extinguish the flames.
"That's what I do!" Jonas protested, "And I didn't get a best moments reel! DON'T THINK I'VE FORGIVEN YOU FOR THAT, BIG BROTHER!"
Sam began to edge away from him and went over to talk to Malcolm.
"Jonas, you're such an idiot!" Jack grunted, throwing another cup of orange juice on the wall.
"Oh yeah?" Jonas asked.
"Yeah!" Jack shot back.
"Oh yeah?" Jonas said again.
"YEAH!" Jack shouted.
The two of them then became embroiled in a furious punch-up. Jonas punched Jack in the nose, and Jack fell backwards. Grabbing a handful of peanuts, he stuffed them in Jonas' face and ran off.
"Aagh!" Jonas said, clawing at his face, "I hate peanuts!"
"He's going mad!" Harry shouted gleefully, "Ooh, I love this bit!"
Sam started to run off after Jack, but Anise saw her and was having none of it.
"Come back here!" she shouted, running across the floor and slipping on some of the punch that was spilt. As she fell, she grabbed hold of Sam's ankles and the two of them crashed to the floor.
"Get off me!" Sam growled, "I'm in no mood for this tonight!"
Anise grabbed a handful of Sam's hair and pulled, hard.
"Dammit, I told you I wasn't in the mood!" Sam replied, delivering a karate-chop blow to Anise's chest. She came off the worse, however, and nursed her bruised knuckles.
"What the hell are you wearing under there?" Sam asked, cradling her hand.
"It's the new improved wonder bra," Anise said proudly, "I was using it to seduce Jack. Watch."
Anise pulled a cord at the back of the bra and her chest suddenly expanded tenfold, with such force that it knocked Sam unconscious.
"Mawhahahahahahaha!" Anise cackled evilly, pulling herself up to a standing position and then promptly falling over again because of the amount of weight on her front end.
Jack ran back in, pulled Sam up into his arms and tried to make a break for it. Anise spotted him.
"Jack!" she cried happily, "What do you think of my new bra?"
"It's a knockout," Sam muttered woozily.
"Ok, let's go…" Jack said, backing away from Anise and her larger-than-life bosom.
"You know you don't want to go," Anise purred, "I could give you a sensual massage…"
"I'll tell you where you can stick your sensual massage," Jack grunted, "Leave me the hell alone!"
"You don't mean it," Anise smiled, "You love me really!"
"Yeah - as much as I love a kick in the head," Jack panted, "Carter, for someone who's so skinny, you don't half weigh a ton!"
"Hey!" Sam muttered, swinging drunkenly at him, "I heard that." Then she passed out again.
**********
"I STILL WANT MY BEST MOMENTS REEL!" Jonas screamed at the camera, "HIT ME! I WANT IT NOW! GIVE IT TO ME! IT'S MINE! I WANT IT!"
At that moment, a small door in the wall opened.
"Ooh," Jonas smiled curiously, "They actually listened to me!"
"Come closer," the door whispered. So he did.
A purple leather boxing glove shot out of the wall and hit Jonas in the face.
"Sweet," he murmured, falling backwards onto the floor.
"Let's get out of here!" Harry shouted, "He'll be in one hell of a mood when he wakes up!"
So they all fled.
**********
"Well, my friends, that was the Stargate Big Brother 2003 after-party! Nothing much new happened, I suppose, but here's a quick look at what happened after the party."
Jack eventually dragged Carter out to his car and took her home. When she woke up, she punched him for calling her heavy but the two of them eventually made up and she offered to let him have a go on her bike.
Daniel and Janet escaped the party early and headed for home. We all know what they got up to there.
Anise and Hathor remained partners in crime and headed off to a beauty spa to recuperate before their next mission of trying to seduce Jack and Daniel.
Malcolm and Martouf quietly exited the party and went for a drink together. They found out that they have a lot in common and have remained good friends.
Teal'c never turned up for the party. What a sensible man.
Harry left in a leopard-print limousine to a roaring crowd of his fans to go thong shopping.
And what happened to Jonas? He awoke in the party hall like a bear with a sore head and trashed the place.
As far as we know, he is still waiting for his best moments video.
THE END
Author's Note: That's it, it's finally the end. What did you think? Please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net. Thanks to all those who have stayed with me during this series -I wouldn't have made it to the end without you! Special thanks go to NG, the Female Apophis, Sister of Darkness and Movielover03. Cheers!
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references and violence)
Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Spoilers: You need to have read the other 20-odd chapters. g
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"
Summary: All 10 housemates are re-united in what promises to be a disastrous, chair-throwing, profanity-filled party.
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me; they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.
~ Big Brother Stargate – The After-Party! ~
Copyright © 2004 Ruth
**********
"Hello and welcome back to Stargate Big Brother! As it's no longer 2003, but this isn't series 2004, we've left the date out. How this is important, I don't know, but it's on the autocue...Anyway, welcome to what promises to be the party of the year!! We have all 10 housemates back together in one room, with alcohol and chairs. What could possibly go right?"
CHEERING
"Let's go live to the party now. Enjoy. Be warned that this party will almost certainly contain strong language and violence."
**********
Sam and Daniel stopped outside the door and looked at each other. Daniel swallowed nervously.
"Uh…Sam…I have a really, really bad feeling about this party."
"Me too, Danny," she replied, squeezing his hand encouragingly, "But it's only a couple of hours. We just have to try and stick together."
"Thanks," he smiled, "Let's get this over with."
He opened the door, and came face to face with Hathor, who was wearing nothing but a zebra-print bikini and a pair of scarily high stilettos.
"Aagh!" Daniel shrieked, and ran off in another direction. Sam tried to follow him, but Hathor grabbed hold of her arm.
"You are the one that would defeat us!" she spat.
"Yeah, that would be me," Sam replied, "Now would ya let go of my friggin' arm?"
"No!" Hathor smiled nastily, "Or you will ruin his surprise."
"What sort of surprise?" Sam asked, "What are you doing to him?"
-Somewhere in another room-
"OH MY GOD! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!"
**********
Jack shifted uneasily away from Anise on the couch. She followed him, so he shifted again.
"Why the unease, Jack?" Anise whispered huskily, "We're consenting adults."
Jack tried to take his mind off of things by taking a drink of water, but as Anise's hand strayed dangerously close to his groin he spat it all over the person in front of him.
"Oh, sorry, um…" Jack said, standing up just in time, as Anise was making a pass at his butt.
"Martouf," came the irritated reply.
"Hey, Marty!" Jack smirked, giving him a slap on the back, "Long time, no see!"
"Indeed, and I was just beginning to enjoy myself," Martouf replied bitterly.
"You like me really," Jack grinned, "Come on, let's get some punch."
"Don't leave me, Jack," Anise purred, "You know you can't resist me."
Jack's grip tightened on Martouf's arm as he led him away.
"You're gonna need more than punch with that!" Martouf smiled.
**********
Janet and Sam stood in the corner of the room, with Daniel behind them.
"Why did I come here?" Sam asked Janet thoughtfully.
"Same reason I did," Janet replied, "To watch Anise and Hathor trying to make passes at Jack and Danny."
"Hey!" Daniel replied, hurt, "I could say that I was coming to watch Sam make out with Malcolm, but I didn't!"
This time it was Sam that spat out her drink.
"Danny!"
"Where is Malcolm, anyway?" Janet asked, "I haven't seen him yet."
"He probably has the sense not to come in the first place," Sam commented.
At that moment, Hathor emerged from a storage cupboard with a pink feather boa around her neck. Danny let out a squeak of terror and ducked behind Sam and Janet again.
After Hathor had passed by, a quiet voice said:
"Janet, may I take this moment to tell you how nice your butt looks in this dress?"
Janet smiled and looked at Sam.
"Some people have all the luck," Sam grunted, "I'm off to avoid everybody. Have fun!"
**********
Jack was also trying to avoid everybody - and by everybody I mean Anise. Every time he saw her, she had less and less clothes on.
"Uh…don't you think you'd better put some…clothes on?" Jack stammered, "I mean, you wouldn't want to get cold, would you?"
"How could I possibly get cold," said Anise, pulling her shirt open, "In the heat of such passion?"
"Eek!" Jack squeaked, and edged away from her, backing himself into the wall.
"I didn't know you liked walls," Anise smiled, "Perhaps you'd like to show me…"
"Colonel!"
Jack looked up with relief to see Sam standing behind Anise, with her arms folded.
"That's a nasty rash you've got there," Sam commented, "Perhaps you'd better get it looked at."
"Go to hell, Carter!" Anise spat, "He's mine! All MINE!"
Jack looked pleadingly at Sam as Anise got within inches of his face.
Sam rolled her eyes, grabbed hold of Anise and forcibly moved her out of Jack's way.
"Come on," Sam said, "Quickly - she's like a limpet."
**********
Jonas whistled a cheery tune as he walked into the party, to see a half-naked Anise sitting by the door, waiting to pounce on Jack when he was least expecting it.
"Jonas!" she smiled, "How nice to see you!"
"Yes," Jonas said, "Unfortunately I can't return the sentiment."
He walked off in the direction of the punch.
It was at that moment that Harry decided to make his grand entrance - wearing nothing but, yep, you guessed it…a Pikachu loincloth.
"Where do you get those clothes?" Jonas asked, disgusted.
"Jonas!" Harry shouted, "The chicken killer is here!"
"That's me!" Jonas proclaimed loudly, "Where's Sam?"
"She saved Jack from being groped to death by Anise, and then the two of them went outside," Hathor said helpfully, "I could assist you in harming them, if you like."
Jonas frowned.
"No thank you, I prefer to work alone. And wearing clothes."
**********
"Carter, you saved my butt back there," Jack said, "Thanks."
"No problem. It was painful to watch, anyway. I would have done it for anyone."
"Do we really have to go back in there?" Jack asked, "If Anise doesn't jump me, then Hathor will, and…"
"Well, aren't you just Mr Popularity?" came a snide voice from the darkness.
Without having to look around, Sam sighed.
"Jonas?"
"That's right, baby. It's my name, don't wear it out."
"I wouldn't dream of it," Sam replied, looking warily at her ex.
"Come back inside, guys! You're missing the party! Harry just arrived!"
"Did his clothes arrive with him?" Jack asked.
"No," Jonas said, "I wouldn't expect that to happen until hell freezes over."
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," Sam added.
**********
"I WON!" Harry shouted, dancing up and down on the table, "I WON, YOU DIDN'T! HA HA HA HA! I'M RICH, YOU'RE NOT! HA HA HA!"
Daniel picked an apple out of a bowl, felt it in his hand, and lobbed it at Harry. He hit him in the nose and Harry let out a shriek, falling into a bowl of crisps.
"You ruined the cheese and onion!" Hathor complained, "Now I'm going to have to remove the rest of my clothes in a blind rage!"
"Aagh!" Daniel cried, "No! Please! You look perfectly ok as you are!"
"I'm just so…"
"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!" Harry chanted, "I love it when Danny acts like an ickow gurl!"
Daniel ran off. Harry picked up a handful of the crisps and stuffed them into his mouth, chewing noisily.
"So…babe…you single?" he drawled.
Hathor spat at him.
"I'm taken - the handsome Daniel Jackson is desperately in love with me!" she smirked.
"Really?" Harry asked, "That's obviously news to him. Look - he's over there with his hand on Janet Fraiser's butt!"
"Nnnnoooo!" Hathor yelled, diving at Janet, arms flailing.
"Agh!" Janet shrieked, jumping out of the way and running into Sam as she returned from outside.
"Janet, what is it?" Sam asked, and ducked just before an orange hit her in the head. Instead, it hit Jonas in the head.
"Who threw that orange?" he demanded, wiping the peel off of his face.
"Nobody," Harry said, "Absolutely no reason to go on a killing spree, just get a grip…"
Jonas marched over to Harry and began to strangle him.
"Good grip!" Harry squeaked. Jonas soon became bored of him, and dunked him headfirst in the crisps again.
"I saw my whole life flash before my eyes!" Harry moaned.
"How boring for you," Sam replied.
At that moment, Malcolm walked past, eating a yoghurt.
"HEY! Yoghurt boy!" Jonas shouted gleefully, giving Malcolm such a violent slap on the back that he went face-first into the yoghurt.
"Leave him alone," Sam said softly, "Go and pick on someone in your own gene pool!"
"Well, that would be you!" Jonas smiled, entwining his arm in hers.
"Dammit, Jonas, get off of my arm!" Sam protested, trying to wriggle out of his grasp.
"Why? You afraid that Mr Popularity will see us?" Jonas smiled, "I wouldn't. He's stuck in the corner of the room with those two lovelies Anise and Hathor."
"SSAAAAAAMMMM!" came a yell from said corner.
"I'm kind of wrapped up here myself!" she shouted back, as Jonas bundled her out of the room and into the caretaker's closet.
**********
Daniel and Janet sat in the corner of the room, gazing lovingly into each others' eyes.
"Shall we get out of here?" he asked softly.
"Yeah," Janet agreed, "I don't think anybody will miss us."
"JANET!" Sam shouted, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"
"Sam?" Janet asked, torn between helping her friend and leaving quickly with the drop-dead gorgeous archaeologist.
"Jonas, you even think about it and this broom is going so far up your butt that you'll be chewing it until next year!"
Daniel raised his eyebrows.
"I think Sam can take care of herself," he said, taking Janet's arm in his, "C'mon."
"JANET! DANIEL! DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME IN HERE!"
"I like it when you talk dirty."
PUNCH
"Ow!"
"How'd you like that?" Sam spat back, kicking him in the balls and breaking down the door, running back out into the centre of the room and straight into Harry.
"Whoa, what's going on?" Harry asked.
"Where are Danny and Janet?" Sam asked, looking fearfully behind her as Jonas emerged from the closet.
"They just high-tailed it out of here to go make sweet love, I guess," Harry smirked, "Why? Want to join them?"
**********
"Sam, I could really use your help over here!" Jack shouted, as Anise offered to give him a sensual massage.
"I'll give you some help," Jonas smirked, taking a lighter from his pocket and going over to the nearest chair. He waited until the chair had caught fire before he threw it at Jack, sending Anise and Hathor flying.
"My boa!" Hathor shouted, "It's on fire!"
"Better get you cooled off," Jonas smirked, dunking her in the punch.
"Jonas, why do you always have to ruin a party?" Sam asked, watching as Jack threw a cup of orange juice on the wall to try and extinguish the flames.
"That's what I do!" Jonas protested, "And I didn't get a best moments reel! DON'T THINK I'VE FORGIVEN YOU FOR THAT, BIG BROTHER!"
Sam began to edge away from him and went over to talk to Malcolm.
"Jonas, you're such an idiot!" Jack grunted, throwing another cup of orange juice on the wall.
"Oh yeah?" Jonas asked.
"Yeah!" Jack shot back.
"Oh yeah?" Jonas said again.
"YEAH!" Jack shouted.
The two of them then became embroiled in a furious punch-up. Jonas punched Jack in the nose, and Jack fell backwards. Grabbing a handful of peanuts, he stuffed them in Jonas' face and ran off.
"Aagh!" Jonas said, clawing at his face, "I hate peanuts!"
"He's going mad!" Harry shouted gleefully, "Ooh, I love this bit!"
Sam started to run off after Jack, but Anise saw her and was having none of it.
"Come back here!" she shouted, running across the floor and slipping on some of the punch that was spilt. As she fell, she grabbed hold of Sam's ankles and the two of them crashed to the floor.
"Get off me!" Sam growled, "I'm in no mood for this tonight!"
Anise grabbed a handful of Sam's hair and pulled, hard.
"Dammit, I told you I wasn't in the mood!" Sam replied, delivering a karate-chop blow to Anise's chest. She came off the worse, however, and nursed her bruised knuckles.
"What the hell are you wearing under there?" Sam asked, cradling her hand.
"It's the new improved wonder bra," Anise said proudly, "I was using it to seduce Jack. Watch."
Anise pulled a cord at the back of the bra and her chest suddenly expanded tenfold, with such force that it knocked Sam unconscious.
"Mawhahahahahahaha!" Anise cackled evilly, pulling herself up to a standing position and then promptly falling over again because of the amount of weight on her front end.
Jack ran back in, pulled Sam up into his arms and tried to make a break for it. Anise spotted him.
"Jack!" she cried happily, "What do you think of my new bra?"
"It's a knockout," Sam muttered woozily.
"Ok, let's go…" Jack said, backing away from Anise and her larger-than-life bosom.
"You know you don't want to go," Anise purred, "I could give you a sensual massage…"
"I'll tell you where you can stick your sensual massage," Jack grunted, "Leave me the hell alone!"
"You don't mean it," Anise smiled, "You love me really!"
"Yeah - as much as I love a kick in the head," Jack panted, "Carter, for someone who's so skinny, you don't half weigh a ton!"
"Hey!" Sam muttered, swinging drunkenly at him, "I heard that." Then she passed out again.
**********
"I STILL WANT MY BEST MOMENTS REEL!" Jonas screamed at the camera, "HIT ME! I WANT IT NOW! GIVE IT TO ME! IT'S MINE! I WANT IT!"
At that moment, a small door in the wall opened.
"Ooh," Jonas smiled curiously, "They actually listened to me!"
"Come closer," the door whispered. So he did.
A purple leather boxing glove shot out of the wall and hit Jonas in the face.
"Sweet," he murmured, falling backwards onto the floor.
"Let's get out of here!" Harry shouted, "He'll be in one hell of a mood when he wakes up!"
So they all fled.
**********
"Well, my friends, that was the Stargate Big Brother 2003 after-party! Nothing much new happened, I suppose, but here's a quick look at what happened after the party."
Jack eventually dragged Carter out to his car and took her home. When she woke up, she punched him for calling her heavy but the two of them eventually made up and she offered to let him have a go on her bike.
Daniel and Janet escaped the party early and headed for home. We all know what they got up to there.
Anise and Hathor remained partners in crime and headed off to a beauty spa to recuperate before their next mission of trying to seduce Jack and Daniel.
Malcolm and Martouf quietly exited the party and went for a drink together. They found out that they have a lot in common and have remained good friends.
Teal'c never turned up for the party. What a sensible man.
Harry left in a leopard-print limousine to a roaring crowd of his fans to go thong shopping.
And what happened to Jonas? He awoke in the party hall like a bear with a sore head and trashed the place.
As far as we know, he is still waiting for his best moments video.
THE END
Author's Note: That's it, it's finally the end. What did you think? Please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net. Thanks to all those who have stayed with me during this series -I wouldn't have made it to the end without you! Special thanks go to NG, the Female Apophis, Sister of Darkness and Movielover03. Cheers!
